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What I Learned From My Affair With a Married Man

You Asked: Is There Hope?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of 13 months recently broke up with me. He told me that he has commitment issues and doesn't want to be in a "tumultuous relationship." I was under the impression that we had a pretty good thing going — of course we fought, but doesn't every couple? After the dust settled, I asked him if he wanted to be with me again. His answer was “yes and no.” He said he loves me deep down, but he's very afraid of what our relationship will be if we start fighting and having arguments again. Although I told him that I changed, he still feels an "aftertaste" of our past relationship. I know I wasn't the best girlfriend, but what I'd like to know is: How do I get him to realize that I really have changed? I want him to feel safe and secure with our relationship. Are there any ways for me to show him that I'm now a more appreciative, supportive, and passive girlfriend? — Trying Really Hard Reagan

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Dear Trying Really Hard Reagan,

It sounds as though you and your ex have a very different outlook on your past relationship. You're right, all couples fight from time to time, but if you're arguing was enough to force your boyfriend to end things and fear getting back together, something tells me you fought a lot more than you're willing to admit. Your ex is on the fence, so the best thing you can do is give him time to think and process your relationship. Since there are still feelings there, I'd let his aftertaste subside before you try to plead for him back. You've told him that you've changed, and while being more supportive and appreciative are great upgrades to anyone's personality, you must practice what you preach.

At the end of the day, Reagan, your boyfriend has to feel comfortable and ready to get back together with you, and there's really nothing you can do to speed up his decision-making process. You've said how you feel, so as hard as it might be, I'd give him some space and leave the rest up to time. Good luck.


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