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You Asked: How Can I Get My Boyfriend to Go Down On Me?

Dear Sugar--

I want my boyfriend to go down on me more often but I just can't bring myself to ask him because I don't want him to feel like a sex slave. I care about him deeply but I just haven't been able to orgasm with him in our 2 years together and have seriously thought of ending the relationship because of it. I'm clean; I shave and bathe at least once a day if not more. He told me before that he doesn't like to do it but he's done it several times and quit which made me lose my enthusiasm to give him oral pleasure. Is our relationship dying?

--Dissatisfied Dana

To hear DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Dissatisfied Dana--

You are describing a very common problem among women. Women need to feel wanted and desired and it sounds like he's making you feel the exact opposite! If you feel like your boyfriend isn't putting much effort into pleasing you, I can understand why you don't want to please him either, but then you will end up with two very horny people who resent the other person for not giving them what they need. I'd want to break up too!

You say that you haven't had an orgasm with your boyfriend for 2 years (gasp!), but I'm wondering if you are able to orgasm on your own, or were you able to with previous partners? If the answer is yes, then you've got to take a night to show your man how to please you. Some men love when you are assertive and tell or show them what to do, especially if they are insecure in the bedroom as it is. If you want him to go down on you, as hard as it may be, you've just got to come out and ask him (but say it in a sexy voice while you're kissing him). He may be reluctant to do it if he feels like what he's doing isn't working, so let him know you like it and give him some positive feedback. If you feel embarrassed to ask, try a more cheeky approach, you can start pleasing him orally, then stop and say, "ok, it's my turn." Whatever your approach, it is high time your boyfriend figures you out or else your relationship is bound to suffer even more than it already has. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
madame_pants madame_pants 9 years
although my boyfriend likes eating me out without anything, get flavored lube. entice him a little, you know? and tell him that if he doesn't give you head, you won't give him head. it's only fair.
HJY-1028 HJY-1028 9 years
If he won't do it, tell him you'll find a female lover to do it for me he'll be interested then...
HJY-1028 HJY-1028 9 years
If he won't tell do it, tell him you'll find a female lover to do it for me he'll be interested then...
sugar-n-spice sugar-n-spice 9 years
I'm rooting for you! Keep us updated!
Twinkle1 Twinkle1 9 years
Is anyone else creeped out by the choice of picture for this subject matter? She looks 13ish and he looks like her dad.
tokenguy tokenguy 9 years
I don't get guys like this. Firstly, it's fun! I had to talk my last partner into letting me do it. She had more hangups than a clothes line... But more than that, how can you possibly let your partner go with no O for 2 years? What sort of jerk is he? Firstly, it's great fun to watch your partner O - it's the best part of sex apart from my own O. Secondly, if you love her or just like her a lot, you want her to experience pleasure. Third, the more she gets, the more you'll probably get! I just don't get it.
SparklinSeahorSe SparklinSeahorSe 9 years
this sounds like a tough situation. and i know that people say relationships shouldn't be based on sex, but one time i was watching dr. phil and he made a good point. he said "sex is 10% of a relationship. but when it's bad, it's 100% of the problem."
fuschia-froggie fuschia-froggie 9 years
For your relationship to last, you should both have the desire to please each other. A lot of men would take it as a blow to their ego if they were unable to make their lady have an orgasm-if he doesn't care that is a huge, giant red flag. Sex in a relationship can be a mirror of the relationship itself. Mature men often find sex with women who know what they want more satisfying. Worrying about treating him like a sex slave is not going to benefit either of you-maybe being your sex slave for the night could teach this guy a few things. A lot of people, men and women both, enjoy playing both the dominant and submissive role.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
eeerrr...maybe he WANTS to feel like a sex slave???? lol...i kid i kid (no i don't)...ladies have given you great advice.
designergirl designergirl 9 years
You definitely need to talk to him. Do not feel embarrassed by this- you have sex with this man- you should be comfortable enough to have an adult conversation about this. Sex isn't everything, but it can be a big deal in relationships. This is not "nothing." My boyfriend loves going down on me, but I hate giving blow jobs. However, I love seeing my man happy. So, I give them to him because I love him and want him to be happy. Why shouldn't your guy do the same for you?
Janeiro Janeiro 9 years
I meant to write, *To* hell with guys...
Janeiro Janeiro 9 years
I can't help but think of a friend who had the opposite problem: the guy was totally into it, constantly offering his services, but he was so awful she would ask him not to. The hell with guys who say, "Eww!" Why women bother w/ them is beyond me. The female sexual organs are by nature self-cleaning. Nature makes sure this area is suitable for a fetus to grow inside and pass through. The only reason why it may have a foul odor (as if men are remotely clean) is b/c of either health reasons or this myth that so many women buy into that they are innately "dirty." Read Dr. Northrup's book, "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom," which is, like, an encyclopedia of every possible problem affecting women and girls (mental, physical, and emotional).
Marci Marci 9 years
Does he know that you haven't had an orgasm? Because if you've been faking it, then how can he possibly know that what he's doing isn't working for you? You need to just talk to him the way you did with us. After all, if you can DO the nasty with him, you should be able to talk to him about it, too.
kayden kayden 9 years
OH! You guys should have talked a long time ago!!! People don't realize that this is an important area of a relationship. Try to solve the problem. TALK! TALK! If things don't get resolved, you know this is a big world and a lot of good looking men would love to make you HAPPY! You may just find another great fish in the sea!!!! GOOD LUCK!!!!
Realblonde Realblonde 9 years
Get a female lover on the side! Ha ha
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 9 years
I am with lint and fashionstar, I dated a guy back in college who told me straight out he did not like it cause women smelled and did not make sure I had an orgasm. Never did with him and cause i was unexperienced I lived with it. Thought maybe I could not come through sex etc. HOW WRONG WAS I? After we broke up and I started dating again I was first afraid of allowing him to go there and was flabergasted because MEN wanted to make sure I came, once, twice twenty times.... although sex is not the most important thing in a relationship having someone who wants to please you is. If you can try to guide him go for it, but he says no or still won't please you lose him.
facin8me facin8me 9 years
I agree with fab and candy. The number one thing about sex is that both partners should feel comfortable and confident about the activities. There are plenty of other activities that you can engage in where both partners feel happy and fulfilled. Just because a person isn't comfortable with a certain act doesn't mean they can't be a "giver." If your guy has told you repeatedly he doesn't like it, and he's tried anyways, I think that he's shown he's at least willing to try something he's not comfortable with to try to make you happy (even if he fails at it). Your relationship is only dying if you get so caught up in keeping score and worrying about who's going down on who that you lose track of what's important. It's true that while relationships are a give and take, you're not always giving and taking the same things.
candy-apple candy-apple 9 years
actually i agree with fab: i mean there's soooo many sex-related things you can do and everybody has their individual preferences. bingobaby- im just like you: i can only orgasm with fingers or toys. i think it's really not the main issue here. if she's considering breaking up with her guy because of one sex thing, it's probably because there's a hell of a lot of other things he's not giving her. i mean- a relationship isn't and shouldn't be sex based. that's why it's called a relationship, not a one night stand.
fashionstar fashionstar 9 years
I had a boyfriend who was the same exact way he said he didn't like doing it either so I didn't push the issue. But after awhile I realized that he didn't care about pleasing me, he was a taker not a giver, so I had to let the relationship go because I felt he was selfish and I didn't feel like I mattered to him. So I definitely agree with Dear Sugar, csugar and lint's advice. I feel you need to speak up and make what you want known, because if he's like most guys, I'm sure he doesn't have a problem with telling you what he wants. If he doesn't even try to please you by going down on you or in other ways and make giving you the big O, a priority of his, then you might have to breakup, why should you have to do all of the work while he doesn't return the favor? and pinup sweetheart isn't right, there's nothing wrong with you, lots of women take awhile to come because we need to feel desired and romanced and our anatomy is different from a guys. You don't need g-spot injections or even your g-spot hit to have an orgasm, the clitoris usually provides most of the orgasms for women.
I've NEVER had an O w/ oral sex or penetration - it always has to be fingers or vibrator. I mean it feels good but no 'gasm. I think if you're into the guy you'll figure out a way to enjoy it. Sounds to me like you're looking for a way out.
fab4 fab4 9 years
Actually lint, I just think that this 'experience' doesn't and shouldn't make or break a relationship.
lintacious lintacious 9 years
fab said: "Maybe he just doesn't like doing it. Is that such a big deal?" OK, i dated a guy for a year who "just didnt like doing it" and i said okay. that's fine. WELL now that i am dating a guy who not only enjoys it, but is damn good at it, i could never go back. i don't care if that sounds shallow, it shows that the guy isn't selfish. the only time this isnt a big deal is if the girl "just doesnt like" doing the reciprocation and you both are okay with losing those experiences.
fab4 fab4 9 years
Maybe he just doesn't like doing it. Is that such a big deal?
oklahoma oklahoma 9 years
I think maybe he feels not experienced enough, or worried he won't pleasure you right. Why don't you tell him what you like (which is hard to do) or the next time he is doing that, say "i like it when you go down on me!" i swear, he will do that everytime.. i've been w/ mine for almost 10 years.. we were together for almost 2 before i orgasmed. he was my first orgasm.. it takes a while for a woman after she has been sexually active. your relationship is NOT dead. don't listen to csugar though. don't worry, it is no big deal.. it will happen, it takes time,, trust me..
lintacious lintacious 9 years
If he can't make you orgasm, that says a lot about him and your relationship. I know you can't revolve a relationship around sex but that means that he does not fulfill you and does not even try to do so. i assume that you've been faking it? otherwise he must really not care. when i first started dating my current bf, i wouldn't come every time and whenever i didn't, it really upset him and he would make sure that i did the next time. it makes him happy to see me happy in that way. if he can tell i'm not enjoying it, he'll immediately stop and try something else. i couldn't imagine a guy not caring about my pleasure in that way. it is not selfish at all for you to ask for that. i would be concerned with why he doesn't like it in the first place. i doubt it even has anything to do with you. perhaps he had a bad past experience. ((i wouldnt let anyone come in my mouth for a while because the first time was awful)). either way a lot needs to be discussed, but it seems like there is more to it than just this sex issue.
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