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You Asked: How Can I Get Over This Betrayal?

Dear Sugar,
I was in a relationship with a man for three years and I thought he was it. A couple of months ago, he met a woman and they became friends. He mentioned her vaguely in the beginning but never spoke about her after that. I later found out that he had been secretly texting her and lying to me in order to meet with her. There were sometimes where he would stay out until two/three in the morning. When I confronted him about it, he denied that there was anything going on and he only talked to her about me and how to improve our relationship. I accepted his explication but his behavior became more suspicious. He took my acceptance of his explication as a sign that it was okay to continue on this relationship with this married woman.

I finally couldn't take anymore lies and ended the relationship. Unfortunately, the lies didn't stop there. After we had broken up, I found out that while I was at school, this woman would come to our apartment to see him. I felt very betrayed. When I pressed for more answers, he admitted that he had sex with her in our bed while I was visiting my family back home. I immediately moved out and changed my phone number. I wanted to cut all contact with him but it only lasted for a couple of days. I went for a walk one day and he spotted me and followed me to my new place. Now he drops by once in awhile to "see how I am doing" and it hurts just to look at him. What do I do? It's like he doesn't even care that he hurt me. He couldn't even wait until I completely moved out before she began to sleep over. I would find her clothes and other belongings when I would come to get my things. How can I get over this betrayal when I feel so much anger still?
— Betrayed and Hopeless Heidi

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Betrayed and Hopeless Heidi,

Your boyfriend's lying and cheating is terrible and extremely hurtful so it's no surprise that you're still angry, I'd be a little alarmed if you weren't. Since you can't change the past, all you can do is make a better future for yourself. First and foremost, do not let this man come to your new home again. If he really cared "how you were doing", he wouldn't have made the decisions he did to get you where you are now. Since you were together for so long, it's going to take time before you're ready to move on. Keep yourself busy, use your friends and family for support, and whenever you're feeling lonely, think how lucky you are to have found out what this man is capable of before you were even more committed to each other. Time is a great healer, so be patient and good luck to you.


Join The Conversation
TFS TFS 9 years
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 9 years
Oh, and one very important last thing, that I can't believe I left out of my comment above. Do NOT have any contact at all with this guy. He is not worthy of your time or breath by speaking to him.
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 9 years
To get over this quickly..I would look at it like it is..your whole relationship was a lie. So, if it's a lie..what's there to grieve about...nothing. The relationship wasn't even what you thought it was...nor was he (that's the biggest thing). Yes, I would be upset for the time I wasted on him. But, I think you (and all of us that go through this) had to learn something from this for your future relationship's and when you meet "the one". Also, always remember it isn't's him (it's always the cheater's problem, not the the person who was the victim of the cheater. You didn't do anything wrong. (I'm saying this because, I know what women jump to thinking..was I not supportive enough, was I not pretty enough, etc. It's NOT those's just him (being a selfish idiot) and NOT you. (Really learn this.) Also, look at what a relief it was to find out about it now..instead of way later down the road. You could have been married with children to this idiot. So, really try focusing on the points I made..and I think you'll be just fine in no time. Oh, and I totally agree with Dear..spend a lot of time with family and friends. This is his loss..not yours. Actually, it's your many ways. Take care, sweetie. :hug: I hope you get to feeling better really soon. :froggy: Btw., this happened to me once..and once I found out my bf was cheating on me..I was over him in less than 3 seconds. Now, before..when I didn't realize he cheated on me, and we just broke up...I was really sad. But after looking at what a farce our relationship was..I was grateful to move on..and I didn't feel any loss. Because, he was never the guy I thought he was. I really hoped this helped. There are soooo many great men out there, and you only deserve the best.
Poster-of-a-Girl Poster-of-a-Girl 9 years
Get Even!! No don't, just kidding.
looseseal looseseal 9 years
If it's wrong to hope the married woman's husband chops the douchebag up into little pieces and feed him to sharks, I don't want to be right. One of the things that helps a lot is commiserating with people who've had similar heartaches. That's something I really appreciate about this site!
onesong onesong 9 years
oh, darlin. first off, i'm so, so sorry. that's awful. the best advice i can give you is take it one moment at a time. you can handle right now, don't worry about the next minute. you are strong enough to handle it, and you can do it. hold onto your anger. it's the fastest way around the initial shock. set up your place, and don't worry about what you should feel, or how you should do it. just keep doing, and you'll be okay. you'll be hit with debilitating waves of "how could he?" and even worse, "how could i let this happen?" feel those. sit down (or collapse, as may be the case) and let the pain, anger, and hurt wash over you. think on everything, and as you work through it, give yourself permission to let it go. my dear, i can't express how sorry i am that you have to go through this. i hate to resort to cliches, but this is one that has always helped me through the hardest times: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. you can do it.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
I would definitely tell him that I don't appreciate him coming to my house and that he needs to stop. If he hurt you badly and really should respect that you do not want to be around him.
graceunderfire graceunderfire 9 years
Be glad that you can get rid of him now and get on to more worthy people.
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 9 years
NO MORE SEEING HIM OR LETTING HIM IN. sounds like u havent even given him a piece of ur mind! that SOB and that married whore.pffff
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 9 years
Tell him to stop dropping by and you need time away from him.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
Be glad you didn't marry him.
books-and-shoes books-and-shoes 9 years
I'm so sorry, hun. I agree with everyone else about cutting ties completely, so he can't bring new pain. Spend a lot of time with your family and friends, that's what they are there for. Best wishes to you!
designerel designerel 9 years
i am so sorry. the next time he "drops by," you need to tell him he has to stay away from now on. if he doesn't listen, slap a restraining order on him. i would have been so tempted to contact the other woman's husband... it was big of you not to. it creeps me out that he followed you to your new place.
michelleannette michelleannette 9 years
this is sad. the only thing you can do is forget about him. don't continue any contact with him. tell him not to come by. i know you loved him, but he's seriously a huge jerk. it's one thing to cheat, but to lie about it is disgusting.
boobalore boobalore 9 years
Everyone has said it, but i'll say it one more time, because i know how hard it is when you break up with someone you care that deeply about. Cut him off at the knees. Don't speak to him, don't look at him, don't let him near your house, don't pick up if he calls, hang up if he some how gets you. the sooner you get him out of your life the sooner you can make yourself happy. He is a piece of shit and just wants to make it look like he's not. but that's all he is. kick him to the curb. good luck and be strong. stay busy, and be clear that you don't want anything to do with him.
bellaressa bellaressa 9 years
As the other ladies gave great advice. The best thing to do is to cut all ties and focus only on you. I think you should write a letter to him stating your feelings but don't send it off. I think you should pour everything your feeling, have a glass of wine, and light the letter on fire ( in the sink of course with water running ---no fire mishaps). After that you should continue to focus on him. He is lucky your not a bad girl and went to the ladies' husband and broke their home up as she did with yours ( I am still wondering how she sleeps over if she has a husband) but you will be fine. That jerk will get his in Karma.
Jack-D Jack-D 9 years
Honestly, time is the best healer. I found out my ex-fiance was having an affair with a 20 year old girl (he was 27). It hurt really bad, but now 2 years later I look back and am glad that I went through that, it led me to my new bf! Time is the only thing that will make any of this mess any better!! Good luck, take it one day at a time!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
As cliched as this sounds, time and space are the two things you need to get over this. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you never want to speak to him or see him again. You'll start feeling better soon. I'm so sorry, by the way. I have been in your shoes. And it sucks because someone like that can fuck with your future relationships too. Trusting someone the next time around will just be that much harder. On the bright side, at least your gut instincts kicked in and led you to the right conclusion about this guy.
cittypark cittypark 9 years
he played you for a fool and he doesn't seem to care that he did. he didn't even have the decency to break up with you when he knew he liked this other woman. he strung you along and didn't consider the embarassment and hurt you would eventually feel. and now he wants to see how you are?? why didn't he care when you guys were in a relationship? now that he has you off his back, he wants to be in your good graces? respect yourself enough to keep him away at all costs.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
Slap the stupid grin off his face with a restraining order. Or just slap the shit out of him in general. ughh. I'm so maddened by assholes like this. Don't you dare be hurt another second over this piss-poor-excuse of a man. Be very close to your family and friends. Only that and time will heal you.
1QTPIE 1QTPIE 9 years
I agree tell the jerk to stay the f*** away... You will heal in time and him comeing around is not what you need to get over him.
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
The question isn't even whether or not he cares that he hurt you its do YOU care that he hurt you? This man has treated you like a idiot for so long yet you STILL let him into your home?! Don't even try the o he followed me home crap, tell this ass to stay the hell away from you and don't come to your home. The bottom line here is people can only do what YOU allow them to and your allowing him to still come into your life as he pleases. You are the number one person in your life don't let this loser continue to play you for an idiot. Cut all ties with him and REALLY move on you deserve better than this.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
Tell him to stay out of your life. Tell him you've moved on (even if it isn't true) and that you don't have any desire to see him or keep in touch.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
if he "drops by" dont let him in. your only perpetuating your hurt and anger and betrayal.
ccsugar ccsugar 9 years
I agree with TheMissus. You will find someone 10x better soon enough.
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