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You Asked: How Can I Get Over This Betrayal?

Dear Sugar,

I had taken some naughty photos of myself for my boyfriend a year ago. Even though we are now broken up, I still had those photos on my computer. Unbeknownst to me, my best friend (who is also a close family friend) of 10 years saw those naughty pictures, and behind my back, downloaded them onto his computer. The only way I know this is because I caught them on his laptop while he was showing me vacation pictures. I didn't confront him when I saw my pictures on his computer because I was completely shocked, and tried to forget about it, but recently, he betrayed me again when he told my personal secrets to his friends in front of me.

I feel like I can never trust him again. I have always been sort of a pushover, but I feel like this was the last straw. I think about it every day and still cry over how betrayed I feel. I have always been one who stays clear away from confrontation, so what should I do? — Betrayed Betsy

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Betrayed Betsy,

I don't blame you for feeling incredibly betrayed: Your "best friend" completely disregarded your feelings and broke your trust. Not only was it not his place to take your private nude photos off your computer, but telling your secrets in front of you was the icing on the cake.

While you are not the type to cause drama, you need to stand up for yourself. "Best friends" don't backstab the ones they love so I am wondering what his motives are here. Does he have feelings for you? Is he jealous that you took those photos for someone else?

Your first order of business should be getting those pics off his computer — you don't want those to get in the wrong person's hands! Secondly, I would distance yourself from this guy and not confide in him until he has shown you that he can be trusted again. Let him know how he made you feel and explain to him that he has to earn your respect and friendship back. Unfortunately there is nothing he can do or say to take back what he did, but hopefully in time, you will heal from this. Keep in mind that your hurt won't go away over night so hang in there. Good luck.


BlackMarketMusic BlackMarketMusic 9 years
Leave and never look back
Sofiababy Sofiababy 10 years
i am also pretty non-confrontational person too- but there should be a point where you draw the line. ANY one is capable of using things like this against you- i once had two best friends who went on vacation with me and one night one of my friends got really drunk and was naked the whole night and we jokingly took pics to show her the next day. fast forward two months and those pics were ALL OVER facebook when they got in a fight. the point is- no one is trusted with things like that. i may have been too shocked to say anything when i saw them too but he gave you the incentive to say something when he mentioned it in front of you and you should be happy he gave you the opportunity to be a ROYAL bitch to him and use it. i would bretray him like he did with you and go on his computer and take the matter into your own hands. then cut it off until he is more mature-- or when and if you can ever trust him again
blondewithbangs blondewithbangs 10 years
This is NOT your best friend. A friend would never steal pics of you and tell sotires about you. These are only the things you know hes done. Imagine what you dont know. He can not be tursted. cut him off!
kendalheart kendalheart 10 years
I meant no longer functional.
kendalheart kendalheart 10 years
I would "accidently" spill a large amount of liquid on this computer. After I was sure the computer was no long functional, I would tell him to EFF OFF!!
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 10 years
Naughty pictures always fall into the wrong hands. Nothing is worse than having your private moment being seen by other people. DearSugar is right. You need to get those pictures back PRONTO! First get them from this so called friend of yours and make sure he doesn't have a back up file. Then get them back from your ex boyfriend. Express how disgusted you feel regarding what he has done to you. This is the moment where you have EVERY right to stand up for yourself! And don’t even worry about saving this friendship – no TRUE friend would ever do this to another friend. Walk away from the jerk!
cubadog cubadog 10 years
Time to stop being a doormat, confront the guy, and than drop him as a friend. He is not your friend. Next time you take private photos make sure you save them to a memory stick and not directly on your computer. This should be a lesson for everyone who decides to do fun pictures of themselves.
tati33 tati33 10 years
I agree with DearSugar. what an asshole! I'm sorry that is very not cool..And there could be some reason why he did that, to harm you. Horrible, definitely NOT a friend to keep!
prinzes3006 prinzes3006 10 years
ugh! What a jackass! He is sooo not your friend if he would do something like this. I agree with dearsugar, get those pic's off his computer and distance yourself from that looser.
dragonbaby dragonbaby 10 years
When someone shows you who they are. Believe them. He has no regard for you or he wouldn't have done those things to you. Possibly Sugar is correct that he has some ulterior motive fueling his actions. Regardless, he's blown it. Get those pics off of his computer pronto. Then walk away from him and never look back.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 10 years
Oh, honey, pick better friends instead of damn good enemies. Also grow a back bone and stop pussy-footing around an issue. For future reference, dont take innapropriate pictures because they're bound to come back to haunt you.
ambermarie ambermarie 10 years
thats actually super creepy and i wouldnt want to be friends with someone like that
Eternity Eternity 10 years
The picture thing I can understand. No matter what you think, all guys who are your 'best friend' want to see you naked, and think about what it would be like to date you. Telling personal secrets to people you trust less in front of your face is disrespectful. On the bright side, at least he didn't do it behind your back, but it sure gets you wondering what he DOES do behind your back, right? Guys make stupid choices in an effort to tease us, and often they don't understand the boundaries they push. Were these mutual friends you both feel close to? Perhaps he doesn't think those secrets should be that secret? Either way, its not his place to judge, and certainly not his place to disregard your personal limits. Stick it to him straight, and whip that pushover quality in the ass.
alltherage alltherage 10 years
as a former doormat myself i say drop him. he doesnt respect you. are you worried about upsetting him -- clearly he is not worried about upsetting (respecting or protecting you)you. you deserve better -- reading about what just happened to you leaves me so mad for you!
lintacious lintacious 10 years
well im confused as to how he got them. he didn't "download" them (i know im being technicaly, but seriously!) if they were on your computer than the only way he could get them is to email the pics to himself FROM YOUR COMPUTER or save them to a disc/memory stick FROM YOUR COMPUTER. i'm assuming that since he was such a good friend you left him in your room alone many a time where he had complete access to your computer and was given enough time to hunt through your thousands of photos and just happened to be able to save them on a disc or email them? just sounds like a whole lot of work to me.
Random2 Random2 10 years
You should have confronted him when you first discovered he had the pictures and had him get rid of them then. That being said, you should defiantly confront him about it now before anything else happens. Then I would break all contact with him and would probably never speak to him again. Not only did he betray your trust once by taking the photos of you from your computer, but he shared this information with others. He's made it clear that he is not to be trusted and is not your friend.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
i think this guy is assuming a level of intimacy with you that doesn't really exist, he may even have a crush on you. have a heart to heart with him. but honestly, i'm betting that he thinks his actions are not intrusive or "too much" because he sees himself as being so close to you. his actions are okay in his mind because he sees the 2 of you as sharing a bond that doesn't have any boundaries.
chakra_healer chakra_healer 10 years
I've taken dirty photos, as have many others, including my mom (story for another dear sugar, no doubt), that isn't the issue. The issue is her privacy has been violated and she is not taking appropriate action. When someone abuses your trust, or steals from you (including privacy), you have to make a defining statement, that is the only way to end their negative behavior. She has to find/learn the personal power to prevent people from being harmful to her - I have no doubt this behavior bleeds into every other part of her life (work, family, love relationships) and she needs the tools to set boundaries and punish offenders.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 10 years
Let this be a lesson to everyone to not take stupid dirty photos! Make better choices, including who you pick as a "best friend"
mirawilliams mirawilliams 10 years
Confront him. If you're not comfortable doing it by yourself, ask a trusted friend to come with to even stand outside if needed. Make sure you see him delete the photos AND empty the recycle bin. If he doesn't do it, threaten legal action if you have to. I'm not up on the legalities of it, but he did violate your privacy and you did not give him permission to take those pictures. Once all of that is done, never speak to him again. He is a bully who knows you won't say anything to him and is taking advantage of you.
nicachica nicachica 10 years
Since you say you don't like confrontation, maybe a short term solution would be a (REAL) trusted friend who can confront this jerk with you? I know this might sound silly, but here's a quick visual: Think back to the "Legally Blonde" scene where Elle goes with her friend for support when she takes her dog from that nasty ex-boyfriend. It might really help you to have someone there ready to back you up and confront the guy in case you lose your nerve. Having someone there can give you the support and strength you need. However, i do agree that you might want to seek some empowerment counseling so that you don't have to rely on this method. You will have to learn to stand up for yourself even if you think you're a softie. I wish you luck! hugs!
Cymone Cymone 10 years
This is a time for confrontation. Not only did he steal something personal that was yours but he revealed something personal about you in mixed company. That behavior is not acceptable. To me he doesn't seem like a true friend. There are some people who need a "pushover" in there life in order to feel important or big or something. Idk, but it looks to me like he's using you as a punching bag and taking advantage of your soft personality...
Lovely_1 Lovely_1 10 years
Yea, I wouldn't consider a "best friend" someone who would do this to me... Sorry hun, i know it's the awful truth, but really...would you do that to your best friend? Didn't think so!
chakra_healer chakra_healer 10 years
Anger? I would be outraged if I saw personal pictures of myself on someone's computer, and action to delete them would have been taken immediately. The person is stepping over lines and boundaries, probably always has, because you choose to try and 'forget' something that is unforgivable. Why get over it? Get mad and take some action. I suggest you somehow gain access to his computer (be super nice to him, go out for drinks, and then ask if you can use his computer) and delete every file associated with you. Tell his slimy ass off and end all contact with him. Then if some images happen to pop up somewhere, report them as stolen and file a notice of infringement since you own the copyright. Even seek legal advice for civil compensation. Being a pushover is no excuse for letting someone violate you. At some point you have to end the behavior because it is destructive. DS didn't mention this, but I absolutely recommend some assertiveness/empowerment counseling as you never want to allow someone to treat you like this without consequence again.
gooniette gooniette 10 years
There's pushover and there's doormat. He's not your friend. And my bet is that he's shown those pictures to other people if he's telling your secrets to people right in front of you. He does not respect you or your friendship. Drop him like a bad habit. Some friendships aren't worth saving or worrying about.
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