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You Asked: How Can I Get Past His Cheating?

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I have been married for six years and have been together for 10. About three months ago I found out that he had an affair about two years ago. I forgave him, and we have been working together to move past it. Lately some friends of his friends that know the other woman have been coming over to our house to spend time with my husband. Whenever they mention her name in passing, my blood boils. I have been thinking about it a lot lately and I can't seem to get the affair out of my mind. I don't know what to do. We are completely open and honest with each other, but my thoughts are consumed with him cheating on me. Do you have any advice? — Consumed Cassie

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Dear Consumed Cassie,

I commend you for forgiving your husband for his infidelity, and I say that because it takes an incredibly strong woman to do what you're doing. It doesn't surprise me that your thoughts are consumed by this, but know that forgiveness won't happen overnight. Building the trust back takes a lot of hard work from both people in the relationship, so while you're doing your part to move forward, he needs to do his part too.

The first suggestion I can make is to stop having these guys over that talk about this woman. Your house should be a safe, sacred place, so if your husband's friends are the cause of your angst, simple tell him they are no longer welcome. Although you're working on this together, I also recommend you see a therapist on your own. Being cheated on comes with a plethora of emotions and obsession can be one of them. If you're replaying them together over and over in your head, it's pretty clear that you're still holding onto some issues that you need to let go of in order to fully move past his infidelity. I'm glad to hear that you're keeping the lines of communication open at home, so keep it up and hopefully, with time, this rough patch will be a faint memory. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
itsme3683 itsme3683 9 years
I would first tell your husband that those friends better wash their mouths out before coming over! I can't believe how inappropriate it is that they would do that and for your husband to stand by it! You've already put yourself through enough in forgiving your husband, which is SO admirable of you, for him to allow this insensitive behavior in your home. Make sure he knows that too!! Good luck!!
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
I think you should really consider counselling for yourself as well as couples counselling. Although you say you have forgiven him, as someone else said, the wound is still fresh. I think the way that you feel is perfectly normal and it will take some work from BOTH of you in order to get through this, if this is what you are choosing to try to do. Good luck to you.
g1amourpuss g1amourpuss 9 years
I'm w/rockandrepulic on this one. I think you're letting too much sh!t fly in your home that you're not comfortable with. What about your need for emotional security and stability? Are you positive this is the only time it's happened, or is this just the only time that you've caught him? It seems to me that he doesn't respect you, and neither do his friends. I mean, that has got to make you feel like the inferior party here. I'm going to say this in the nicest way possible.. you need to grow a pair. From your post and all you seem like a really nice person [forgiving him and all], but it sounds like you're being too nice to him. What if it where the other way around? Say you were cheating on him and your girlfriends just pop in to remind him of another man touching your body and really giving it to ya? How the hell would he feel? I doubt he'd stick around for it.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Why the hell are they mentioning her name so casually?
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
I agree w/ lots of the advice. This will take time. This will not pass quickly. Just own how you feel, take deep breaths, and try to force yourself to think about something else.
lms lms 9 years
I was thinking the same thing as a nonny mouse. These friends may not even know about the affair. They may not be mentioning her intentionally or have no regards for your feelings. They may just be oblivious to the situation. I too would not approach them on the subject, but would ask my husband if he has any knowledge of them knowing. If so, then I would remove them from your "circle of friends" until you have learned to cope with it.
a-nonny-mouse a-nonny-mouse 9 years
Are these "friends of his friends that know the other woman" even aware of the affair? If not, I wouldn't recommend confronting them. If they're cognizant of the intimate details, then their presence in your home is a caustic force of detriment to your mental health and happiness. (If they are merely friends of *his* friends (and not part of his own circle), then he needn't feel compelled to make time for them anyway. Do HIS friends mention the other woman? If not, then entertain only his friends at home, and ask him to tell them that *their* friends can go hang out somewhere else.)
fleurfairy fleurfairy 9 years
Cheating is a VERY hard thing to forgive. Confront your husband's friends. If they want to spend time at your house, they should shut their mouths.
nv27 nv27 9 years
Looseseal, that was the sweetest advice. I whole-heartedly agree.
Kelliegrl Kelliegrl 9 years
His friends are pricks for mentioning her name in your house. It's so disrespectful and your husband should speak up on behalf of you two moving on and tell them to chill with talking about her in your house.
looseseal looseseal 9 years
It's only been three months since you found out, that wound is still fresh, so to speak. It's normal to be angry. I'd be worried if you're not. Give yourself time to heal. Since the affair is long over, and the two of you are committed to getting past this together, you're already heading in the right direction.
MissJules5x MissJules5x 9 years
yeah i agree... its a hard thing to get over and only you can decide if you can or are willing to make it work. in the future i would make sure that you and your husband make it clear to these "so called friends" that them talking about her is innappropriate and uncomfortable or seriously dont hang out with them if they are going to hurt you and constantly reopen old wounds in your relationship. the past is the past and what he did was completely terrible but you were the one who decided to stay and give him another chance so you either have to do that or move on.
joesbabygirl joesbabygirl 9 years
Good Luck! It's a hard thing to get over and get past. If you are strong and by what I hear you are, you can do it! Dear Sugar's advice is excellent!
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