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You Asked: How Can I Get Rid of the Pain?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend just broke up with me last Wednesday. Deep down I know he is not good enough for me and that I could do better, but it still hurts so much. I can't sleep and I don't want to eat. I try to stay busy, but even when I'm out with friends, my heartache prevents me from having a good time. Do you know how to get rid of the pain? I check my phone every half hour (even when I am sleeping at night) in hopes that he'll reach out to me, but I haven't heard a peep. Why am I still so hung up on someone I knew I wasn't going to end up with? — In Need of Relief Rachel

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Dear in Need of Relief Rachel,

The feeling of rejection after being broken up with can be overwhelming, but remember that it won't last forever. It's not uncommon to feel the sting even though you know deep down that it wasn't meant to be so stop beating yourself up over having hurt feelings. I'd think something was wrong if you weren't upset! When you're in a relationship, you get used to the companionship and connection that developed over time and when that's all of a sudden gone, it can be a hard adjustment so the best thing I can tell you to do is to stay as busy as possible. Lean on the people you love for support — that's what friends are for. Although this may sound cliché, time is a great healer and before you know it, you'll be ready to get back in the game.


Join The Conversation
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
I like Fallen's suggestions. I would like to add that you should get your friends to tell you all the reasons that they hated him and why he was wrong for you that they couldn't tell you when you were with him. First off, cry eat lots of ice cream, bitch to your friends and family. Then when you are feeling a bit better, go get some sexy clothes/hair, start working out more, get a new sex toy, buy some lingerie, start dating, learn how to salsa, go to the spa.. Do everything that makes you feel good, because it's all about you now.
reeeeka reeeeka 8 years
I feel your pain...I've been broke up with my boyfriend since December after having a 6 year relationship and we were supposed to get married. It's hard to move on...the one thing I find that helps is being around my friends. Obviously it gets hard when most of them now have boyfriends but they try to be less obvious when I'm around. Just keep busy...and I've been told by many people that finding a new person to focus my attention on helps also lol
winniecooper winniecooper 8 years
Did you allow yourself enough wallowing? Only then can you go on to the going out and keeping busy phases. Good luck, Rachel
Fallen85 Fallen85 8 years
Thanks! Here's my better organized Break Up Tips blog!
Kelliegrl Kelliegrl 8 years
Great tips Fallen!
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
"Why am I still so hung up on someone I knew I wasn't going to end up with?" It's called emotional attachment. And sometimes it's irrational. :) It's okay to be sad over an ended relationship, even though you know it wasn't going to go the distance. Your relationship was an important, meaningful part of your life. Now it's over, and naturally, you would be sad or heartache over the loss. Allow yourself to grieve, and please try to face your uncomfortable emotions. In my opinion, the best way to get over the pain is to go through it (you end up with less baggage, believe me). I promise, as the saying goes, it too shall pass. I regret the grief you're going through. I know it must be upsetting to accept an end of a relationship.
lauraxtc lauraxtc 8 years
The only thing that would help is staying in contact with your friends and staying occupied. I know it's hard. I have been there. I hope I never do again. But if I do, I would just make sure to stay close to my friend and go out with them as much as possible. Find a hobby. Something to keep you being sad and thinking about your ordeal.
Red315 Red315 8 years
Ah the pain we thought only exsisted in movies! I think everyone is different in how they handle the situation. When I went through this (after being booted on Valentines Day! Yes, he was a real winner) I wanted to be alone. For some reason I wanted to feel the pain. And I did. It hurt, but it made me realize he wasn't worth it, and I was settling. There is a reason people come and go in our lives. He wasn't right for you and you knew it. Someone else will come along and take you by surprise and at that moment you will know in your heart what you truly deserve.
Fallen85 Fallen85 8 years
I've written this in a few other posts before. Guess it's time to blog again! Here are my never-fail break up tips! Firs of all, choose a break-up song. Choose one song that reflects all of the crappy things that the guy did. My song was "Silly B!tch in Love" by Olivia. It perfectly described the issues in my relationship and backed up my feelings of him being a complete loser. Everytime I felt like calling him or started feeling depressed, I would listen to the song and remember how much he hurt me and pissed me off. Maybe for you it's "To the Left" by Beyonce or "Take a Bow" by Rhianna. It should not be a love song but an anti-love song. It shouldnt make you cry it should make you feel angry and stong and independent. Second, write a Pro's and Con's list about him. Everything that was good about him and EVERYTHING that was bad about him, from cheating on you with a girl that was uglier then you to having a receding hairline, not being good enough for you or not brushing his teeth every day. Then RIP UP THE PROs LIST! Keep the Cons list in your purse and anytime you think "Oh maybe he wasnt that bad..." read the Cons list over and over and remind yourself why you're no longer together. Third, Delete his name and number from your phone. That way, even if you want to call him you cant because you dont have his number or you have to sit there and try to remember it. Hopefully within that time you'll realize what you're doing and whip out your cons list while singing along to your break-up song. Fourth, Go get a new hairstyle, new outfits etc. This change will help knock you out of your funk and the compliments you'll get from friends will boost your self esteen. Shopping and styling is always fun and makes you feel sexy. Fifth, plan a major girls ONLY night where you all get dressed up, have pre-drinks at someone's place and go party your face off at a club downtown getting hit on by lots of hot guys. Again, boosting the self-esteem and realizing with lots of friends to back you up how much of a loser he was and reminding you how much better you are then he is. Finally, go on a date. It doesnt matter who it is or whether you like him but you need to go and get hit on, like, NOW. It makes you feel much better when another man shows interest, even if you're not interested in him. Go clubbing with your girls, go to the mall and flirt with boys, go bowling for heaven's sake but look feirce and enjoy the attention. It's really hard to break up no matter how long you've been together, especially if you're the one who got dumped. Just create lots of fun distractions for yourself and have something that when you're alone you can refer to (cons list) to keep yourself from stressing. Dont mope around the house, you'll feel much better when you're out. Never forget that he was a waste of time so theres no reason to mope around. There are tons of guys out there and he was a loser. Good luck and dont worry... you will be fine. I promise. "No man or woman is worth your tears and the one who is wont make you cry" "You have to kiss alot of frogs before you find your prince" "Dont fall for someone who's not willing to catch you" etc. etc. etc.
Da-Ly Da-Ly 8 years
Don't stay at home, but recognize the pain does come to an end. Do things that make you feel good about being you, and do things that are specifically for you (not to reminisce.)
zabrow zabrow 8 years
there's no way not to feel the pain, you just have to go through it & experience it fully & eventually you'll come out the other side. also, every time someone goes through a breakup i suggest reading "it's called a breakup because it's broken". it's SUUUCH a helpful book when you're going through a breakup. just trust that you WILL feel better eventually.
txcowgrl077 txcowgrl077 8 years
You need to get a grip on yourself. You need to take a little time to do some soul searching. NO man should EVER deter you from living your life. Go out with your friends and LEAVE the phone at home. Turn it off at night when you go to sleep. Stay away from sad songs, movies, books until you can cope again. It's rough - but it happened for a reason and that's what you need to focus on. Spend some quality time with yourself :) It will be worth it, I promise!!
cjmara805 cjmara805 8 years
Keep yourself busy! Go out with friends, hit the bar, and flirt with boys! Also buy yourself some new clothes. Retail therapy does wonders ;) Also, I think you want to hear from him because you want to feel like he still wants you. Nothing hurts worse than learning that he's already moved on, so you want to hear that he's still hung up on you. That will take time too.
missyd missyd 8 years
you need you friends right now....time will heal is all that I can say. Been through it.
missyd missyd 8 years
:shrug: :hug:
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
Do lots of things with friends! But don't try to do the same things you and your ex did. Stay away from things that remind you of him. Is it possible to take a weekend vacation somewhere? Not to a place that you and your ex talked about going, but how about someplace that he said he would never ever want to visit? Was there anything that you have been wanting to do but didn't have the time because you were in a relationship? Any hobbies to check out or pick up? I suggest checking a local community college or tech school for "recreational" classes (like cake decorating, or photography) so you can learn a new skill and meet new people. Also you can use to meet new people with your similar interests. Sometimes you do just need to sit and grieve though. Do not be ashamed of that, but do not let it take over your life. If you want to spend an evening just being sad - that's okay - that is how you're supposed to feel. Just don't get yourself into a rut! Go shopping! Pick up some new clothes or jewelry (stop wearing things he bought you). You usually feel better when you're wearing new things :) Exercise! It's a lot more difficult to feel sorry for yourself when you're at the gym! It is also an amazing stress reliever. In summary, surround yourself by people who care about you and get out there and do things. It's not going to stop hurting right away but it will get easier each day.
IAmAnon IAmAnon 8 years
There's no real way to heal the pain, except time. It doesn't matter if you knew you weren't going to end up with him, it still hurts all the same. Keep busy, use your friends as your support network, stay strong, and keep your chin up. It doesn't seem like it, but eventually things WILL get better! :) xoxo
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