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You Asked: How Can I Make Waiting Easier?

Dear Sugar--

Just this past weekend my boyfriend and I got into the same conversation we've had so many times before - the issue is I'm ready to get married and he's not. It's not that he does not want to marry me, it's just that he does not think it's time. We've been together for almost 2 wonderful years now and neither one of us see ourselves with anyone else, we plan to be together for the long haul but he says that we should wait 2 MORE YEARS until I have finished grad school. I don't think I can wait 2 more years!! I would never leave him over this and I would have a hard time giving him an ultimatum but I just don't know how I can go 2 years feeling like this. What do you think? -- Stuck in Limbo Lyndsay

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Stuck in Limbo Lyndsay

I have heard countless women say they are ready to take the next step in their relationship when their boyfriend isn't, and I have the same response for all of them - you never want to force someone into committing if they simply aren't ready. It sounds like you have a great relationship with someone that you love and who loves you back, so my advice to you is don't rush it!

Planning a wedding takes serious dedication and a lot of hard work, so I happen to agree with your boyfriend about finishing grad school before getting engaged. Relatively speaking, 2 years is not that long - I am sure the last 2 years that you have spent with your boyfriend have flown by, so try to just sit tight and enjoy your relationship as it is. You have the rest of your lives to be husband and wife so embrace the excitement of dating while you can. Hang in there Lyndsay, your engagement will happen when the time is right for both of you!


Join The Conversation
aibkhano aibkhano 9 years
You're trying to rush this. Could the real reason be that you are afraid that he is never going to want to marry you? If not, then waiting shouldn't be a problem if he says that he is committed to you. And if it is, then you should talk to him about that and tell him what's on your mind. Good Luck!
ClassicsDiva ClassicsDiva 9 years
I completely agree about the not pushing, but you are an equal partner in this relationship, and you have the right to a) explain to your boyfriend exactly why you want to get married, and b) ask him why exactly he doesn't want to get married. This involves some serious introspection on your part (i.e., What does marriage mean to you? Do you want to marry your boyfriend, or just get married in general? Would you be satisfied with an engagement?), and on his part, which can be rough, because you can't really force someone to introspect. The question I asked my fiance before we were engaged was, "Where will we have to be in our relationship before you'll feel comfortable getting engaged?" (Not, "What do I have to do?" or "What's wrong with our relationship that's making you unsure?") If you stay focused on expressing your feelings rationally and asking about his in a sensitive and non-judgmental manner, you may get an answer from him that will make you feel more comfortable waiting until he's ready. Also, for the record, don't ever let anybody tell you that planning a wedding has to be a nightmare. It's true that a lot of women want weddings that can be a challenge to coordinate, but your wedding is as simple or complex as you make it. If you're ready, and your boyfriend happens to change his mind and decides he's ready, don't let wedding planning scare you off from something you're ready to do.
onesong onesong 9 years
i agree with dear sugar, and i think berlin's further advice on the situation is excellent as well. i know it can be hard to wait (i'm waiting now)...especially if people around you are getting married! but it's worth it and hey, what's two years in comparison to a lifetime?
Jennifer777 Jennifer777 9 years
I agree with everyone that you should wait until after grad school to get married but I am going to say that planning a wedding is something that is super difficult, it doesn't have to be. I have planned 2 weddings and neither were that difficult... (My first was while I was in college, whatever you do don't get married too young! My second was 2 months ago.) The main things is that you need to be able to stay focused on school, which is the difficult part. Have you thought about having a long engagement??
sofi sofi 9 years
Do you think this is financial at all? Does your boyfriend have a steady job, income, savings- enough money for an engagement ring? I know many guys who feel they aren't ready not because of the relationship between them and their girlfriend, but they haven't set down a foundation for their future yet. Maybe he wants to save more money, buy a home/apartment first, and be sure he can support you since you are still in school. It is just part of their mentality sometimes that they have to be the main providers as husbands and he isn't there yet. It sounds like you have a good relationship, so pressure is the last thing you need. Don't rush to get married. You have the rest of your lives to spend together married- focus on school and get that out of the way, so when you are ready all your efforts could be put into preparation for a great wedding and future. Good luck!
viridiana viridiana 9 years
I agree witn Dear Sugar... if he is still with you in the next couple of years... enjoy grad school... and then start with wedding plans. Do not rush things up... most of the men who feel pressure... will fly like birds
Berlin Berlin 9 years
Absolutely don't rush it...enjoy dating, then enjoy being engaged, then enjoy the wedding planning, then enjoy being married and growing old together. Divorce rates are sky rocketing at 50% now, so why chance it?? I have seen so many young women hitching up early in life and just don't understand it. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years, and we have no plans for marriage for about another 8-10 years. I want to be in my mid 30s for marriage, but that's just me. I feel very strongly that you should take your relationship in stages, learning about each other as you progress through life and enjoying the state that your relationship is in each processes. Instead of rushing to get married, think of all the wonderful things that you could be learning about him while dating. Marriage is difficult and it is, or should be, a lifetime committment, so with that said, enjoy the steps up until that! After all once you are married, you can never go back to that dating period or the engagement period. Divorce is very high in and around the 5th year of being together for a reason...the newness is worn away and you are faced with great challenges. Make sure you are on the same page about all aspects of your lives and comfortably set. After all he's very smart to wait for after grad school...why would you want to be in the middle of grad school to get married? Enjoy this time in school and focus on your career, get that situated, get your finances stable so that will never have to be an issue. Life is short so instead of combining the milestones or leaping over others, enjoy each sweet moment of it so that you can ensure a satisfying marriage free of simple problems that could have easily been resolved with time, effor and maturity.
ChelseaGirl ChelseaGirl 9 years
I think that's great advice. You're in love and committed and neither of you are going anywhere. Getting married will be so much more exciting when you're BOTH ready!
trace-face62028 trace-face62028 9 years
Girl, calm down.. what's the hurry?! My boyfriend and I have been together almost 6 1/2 years and still aren't married. Yes, we have talked about it. Yes we have shopped for engagement rings and talk about having kids one day, but neither of us is in a hurry. I don't see what the big deal is about a piece of legal paper that makes you bound to that person. If you are both committed to each other that's all that matters. You don't need a court document to tell you that, do you? Unless its the big celebration, attention, presents, etc. that you are craving right now and if that's the case you're being a little unreasonable. Things should happen when the time is right for both of you, as Dear said. Don't rush it! Relax!
Marci Marci 9 years
I agree that you should focos on school, enjoy this great guy you have, and before you know it, it'll be two years.
cubadog cubadog 9 years
I agree with DS as well. Focus on finishing school.
fab4 fab4 9 years
I am SO in the same situation! I agree with Sugar's advice, but I kow how hard it is to 'sit tight' and 'be patient'. I have figured out, though, that not mentioning it to my boyfriend as much as I think about it helps. Also, deep down I know that when he finishes law school it WILL be a better time than right now, both financially and emotionally, so in the mean time, I'm just thankful that I have such a great guy!
sass317 sass317 9 years
I get that yall have been together awhile and you feel like you are ready to take this next step- but trust me, planning a wedding takes a TON of time and I cant imagine being in graduate school and trying to get everything planned. If you went to grad school right out of college then you are still in your early twenties- you dont need to be in such a hurry- you have plenty of time. Finish with school and then worry about getting married. If you just cant stand it, maybe he would agree to a REALLY long engagement?
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