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You Asked: How Can I be More Feminine?

Dear Sugar--

My boyfriend of several years recently confessed that he wished I was (and I quote) "more feminine". I'm so confused! I have been trying to figure out what he means by this. Does he wish I wore more skirts/dresses? Does he wish my hair was longer? Does he want me to be less outspoken? I’m not planning on changing myself for him, I just want some ideas as to what men view as “feminine”. --Tomboy Tory

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Tomboy Tory--

You say you have been with your boyfriend for years, did this request come out of left field? Has he ever mentioned anything like this before? Relationships are all about give and take, and while I am glad to hear you're not going to compromise who you are for your boyfriend, I think it is fair to get a clear understanding of what he feels is lacking in the femininity department.

Women who have short hair and don't dress all that girly can still be incredibly sexy and feminine, Kirsten Dunst and Selma Blair anyone?? Don't let him make you second guess yourself. All men are different and view femininity differently -- some men enjoy high maintenance women who are always primping and getting dolled up while other men find easy going women who wear minimal make up and casual clothing to be a breath of fresh air.

All in all, you need to feel comfortable in your own skin and in your relationship. You need to feel attractive and desired by your boyfriend, so talk to each other, work together to find an even ground and a comfortable place for both of you. If you are experiencing a lull in your sex life, so maybe surprise him one night after work -- get all dressed up in his favorite outfit and heels and see if that helps!


Join The Conversation
puddlesworth puddlesworth 9 years
be more graceful in everything you do even if there are more efficient and less graceful ways to do them
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 9 years
I mentioned this post to my bf, specifically the phrase "more feminine" and his first response was "what does that mean?" So, guys don't really know either. It's a "your bf" thing. I'm kinda surprised you didn't confront him on the spot... I'd react rather strongly if someone said or implied I was "not feminine" because of the negative connotations of that phrase. But that's just me. What everyone else said -- ask him what he means.
oklahoma oklahoma 9 years
hilarious comment BLACKJADE..
blackjade blackjade 9 years
ask him -because it could at the very least be entertaining.
designergirl designergirl 9 years
Ask him what means, as the other posters suggested. I don't think he was trying to be rude; he just probably didn't think about the way he was saying it. One way that works is what my boyfriend does to me. He also likes it when I'm more feminine, so he'll complement me and tell me how much he likes it when I wear lipstick, for example.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
I think some comments are reading way too much into this...when my bf asked me to "be more girly" it wasn't because he didn't like me or the way I was because I looked great being girly and it was a turn on for him..... ASK HIM!
muchacha muchacha 9 years
I wish my boyfriend would wear dress shirts more often.. so when he does, I always make sure to tell him how fabulous he looks. He's beginning to get the hint ;)
demonkitty18 demonkitty18 9 years
tell him to keep wishing and find somebody who appreciates you the way you are.
Muirnea Muirnea 9 years
In my opinion, if you don't know what he means, then obviously you don't want to be the way he is talking about, whatever way that is, so definetely don't change just like you said. If he doesn't like you how you are, thats his problem that he needs to figure out, he should not have put that pressure on you. And also, I think "feminine" is an attitude, not really how someone looks.
bandages bandages 9 years
I think he was just voicing his opinion, and I don't think it's fair to him to be hostile about that. And being more "feminine" could mean anything. I don't know anything about you, so it might mean he wants to stop burping in public or something. But there is no reason to throw away a perfectly good relationship (if that is what it is) over some a partner being honest.
oklahoma oklahoma 9 years
MONTAL, that was funny..
montal montal 9 years
i think the guy's got a lot of "short"comings to make up for that, he's pointing fingers at u dear girl. Making it all your fault... I'd say, "take a look in the mirror asshole" and then kick his sorry butt out. Hunny, i don't know u, but i think u are one feminine lady. u look in the mirror. nice huh~~~~
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 9 years
I also agree with Cubadog (great response by the way). I don't think he meant to hurt your feelings or say he wants you to change the way you are. Maybe he just wants you to once in a while dress up a little bit more when you guys go out. But again its better to come out and ask rather than read into it. Let him be honest with you about what he wants and you be honest with him I'm sure you'll understand each other given the years you've been toguether and how well you know one another by now.
oklahoma oklahoma 9 years
I think you put a lot of thought into your response CUBADOG.,I agree w/ it.. We don't always upkeep our appearances. If we made some effort, it would make a world of difference.. RIGHT ON!!
cubadog cubadog 9 years
I have read all the respones and am a little surprised that a lot of you think/assume he is asking her to change. What I have gathered is they have been together for awhile and appear not to communicate much. After thinking about it you most couples after they have been together for a number of years get too comfortable and stop doing the things they used to do when the relationship was new. Meaning dressing up less often if at all, not getting waxed or shaving as often, and not wearing make-up. But as I said in my original post until you ask your not going to know what he wants. It could be that hs is just missing the dressed-up you.
Marci Marci 9 years
You do need to ask him what he means by that comment. But remember that you should only be with someone who loves and accepts you for yourself. It's nice to dress up once in awhile, and if you want to do that for him, that's great. But please don't change yourself too much just to please some guy.
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 9 years
I agree that you need to ask him for some clarification. Mention his comment and ask him to be a little more specific. I don't think you need to change your whole look for him, but maybe wearing a cute skirt or dress with a little make-up every once in a while for a dinner out would be what he had in mind. I wear jeans/shorts and tanks/t-shirts/cardigans with very little make-up and my boyfriend is fine with that, but I do get a lot of compliments from him when I dress up more to go out on a "date night".
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
Bottom line: Ask him what he means by "more feminine," and then listen. Then decide if what he wants is comfortable for you. If not, then he can either deal with it or leave.
oklahoma oklahoma 9 years
Ok.. I would understand being hurt..b/c i'm going through a rough patch w/ my hub this is my opinion.. is he comparing you to someone else? is he wanting you to be more like them? bad,for me to say i know.. but bad for him to say to begin with..i don't understand why he would even say that. i would get to the bottom of it. don't change who you are, ever!!
bluejeanie bluejeanie 9 years
eh, i still think it's rude to ask someone to change the way she dresses. i would kick a man to the curb for asking me to do something like that.
likethedirection likethedirection 9 years
Dump him? No. If he called you ugly or insulted you, yeah, get rid of him, but all he said is that he 'wished' you were more feminine. My boyfriend has mentioned the same thing. Of course I was hurt at first because I love my jeans and t-shirt style, but all he meant was that I should try wearing a dress once in a while. He loves me either way and thinks I'm beautiful in jeans, but he would like to see me in a dress once in a while. No big deal. It's just a suggestion on his part, not a ultimatum. If I saw a style that I liked on men, I'd probably suggest it to my boyfriend. It doesn't mean I hate the way he is now or that I'd dump him if he didn't change.
rubialala rubialala 9 years
Although I like alibella's answer(!), it's okay to communicate honestly with the people that we love, and I think that is all he was doing. I don't think it was malicious. And I agree with the other comments, you should ask him, not us.
nicachica nicachica 9 years
i think the big thing is that if you've gone out with someone for several years, you should know each other well enough to communicate these issues. it's good that he opened up about something that was bugging him, but now it's up to you to find out what exactly he means and if it's a surface issue of appearance or something about yourself that you know you can't change. if its adding some more earrings/make-up/heels to your style, then small adjustments could be made (i.e. add earrings to an outfit and some mascara). but if its something like "i don't like your outspoken ways and i want you to change that" then that's where you need to question whether you can stay with someone if they are not willing to accept you, warts and all. good luck!
auddie auddie 9 years
Ask him otherwise you won't know for sure. And if it's any of the reasons you mention, dump him fast. He has no right to make that kind of request on you.
alibella alibella 9 years
I think you should not worry about it and dump his sorry ass if he doesnt like you the way you are. Especially after several years of dating. Time to move on sista.
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