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You Asked: How Can I Stop Being So Jealous?

Dear Sugar--

Well, I have a problem with being jealous. My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 months and I always want to know what she is doing all the time.

For example, last night she wanted to go to this dance and while I was at work, I got upset and said I'd be mad if she went. I realized I shouldn't have said that but even after I apologized many times that night, she was still mad at me. I don't know how to make it up to her.

I don't want to lose her. I want to stop blurting things out before I think. How do I prevent this from happening in the future?

--Jealous Jim

To see DEARSUGAR'S advice,

Dear Jealous Jim--

Well, I must say that I am relieved that you know being jealous is irrational and unfair to your girlfriend. She has every right to be upset with you. Jealousy is a controlling behavior and no girl is going to put up with a guy telling her what she can and can't do. You need to do some soul searching and figure out why you feel this way in the first place.

It seems like you are insecure about how your girlfriend feels about you. Since you clearly have some trust issues, has she ever done anything in the past to betray you or to cause you to question her faithfulness? I suggest talking to your girlfriend about how you are feeling. Be honest and tell her that you have a hard time sharing her and you feel left out when she spends her free time with other people. Let her know that you don't mean to be so jealous and that you are making every effort to change your behavior.

Why don't you suggest meeting up with her after you get off work instead of staying home by yourself? Perhaps set aside some quality time to spend together when you are both free to reconnect. Getting to the root of your jealousy needs to be a top priority for you and your relationship can only benefit once your girlfriend sees the strides you are making. Good luck, Jim.


Join The Conversation
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
well i'm guess your history involves cheating. either she cheated on her partner to be with you or someone else has cheated on you. your feelings come from some where, and you have to deal with them. i'm old school, but if she's your gf why is she going to a dance without you? isn't the whole point of going out to dance to meet up with someone? other wise you'd stay home, invite some friends over and play your own music. anyway, it's not really your business where she is all the time and a little mystery can add to a relationship. have a talk with her about what's really bothering you (only you know the answer to this). and see if you can come up with a compromise about her going out without you. to me movies, gf house, shopping all innocent enough and you need to let her have some independent time.
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 10 years
At least you admit that there's a problem. I definetly agree that you should talk to your girl and be honest with her. If she hasn't done anything for you to not trust her then you gotta trust her she deserves that and your relationship will not move forward without trust.
ALSW ALSW 10 years
Another thing would just be time. I had some issues from the past and my boyfriend hated putting up with them. But in time, and with a lot of thinking about why I was this way, I've gotten a lot better. We're even married now!
LaLaLaurie06 LaLaLaurie06 10 years
It's nice to hear a guy finally admitting his jealousy instead of reading about a girl worrying about her jealous boyfriend. That's def the first step, dude. I think all of the above advice is good. Good luck with the relationship! I would talk to your girlfriend about it, too. Let her know that you know how you can get sometimes and that you want to change.
Marci Marci 10 years
Whoa! Sorry for the multiple posts!
Marci Marci 10 years
Jealousy spells death for a relationship, so I really admire that you recogize this in yourself and want to change it. Dear gives good food for thought and tips. It's one step at a time in changing anything about ourselves, bu half the battle is wanting to, so you're well on your way. Good luck!
SU3 SU3 10 years
If you feel yourself getting angry or about to say something stupid in the heat of the moment... count to three, breathe, and relax... just do SOMETHING because you don't want to end up saying something that'll cost you your relationship. Stop being irrational and work on the jealousy issues. If you care about her and don't want to lose her - then trust her. Have some faith in your relationship. Work on it or you'll end up driving her away.
andaman andaman 10 years
If you don't stop she will definately go with someone else. I can promise you that! Jealousy has everything to do with insecurity. Do a lot of homework on yourself, ask yourself why you don't trust her. Perhaps you have been let down by your past girlfriends. Perhaps you think you aren't good enough for her. You need to be a man and work on these issues.
BeachyAthlete BeachyAthlete 10 years
I recently realized that I was acting like a jealous girlfriend with my boyfriend of almost a year. It was almost like admitting I was an alcoholic or something admitting it: "I am a jealous girlfriend." My boyfriend is still friends with his ex's, and has many girl friends. But I trust him, he's not the kind of guy to cheat, and I feel very secure about us -- so what am I worried about? I also have guy friends and do things on my own and he has never said anything to me about those plans except for "have fun!" We talked last week and I told him that I realize I am being irrational and stupid and jealous, but that if he's going to hang out with a girl friend just give me the head's up beforehand. I don't want him to feel like he has to check-in 24-7, but it will just make me feel better about the situation. So I guess my advice is -- admit to your girlfriend that you are being jealous and stupid and you hate it and want to fix it, and that you really don't want to lose her. Maybe you can come up with some way to resolve it? Also, next time something happens that you feel jealous about, just remind yourself whether your feelings are justified or not. Are you just feeling jealous, or is she really doing something to personally attack or hurt you? Hope this helps...
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