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You Asked: How Can I Tell Him the Sex Is Bad?

Dear Sugar,

I have recently met a wonderful guy. He's smart, funny, kind, witty, and I love spending time with him. He's one of those "great on paper" kind of guys who is awful in bed. I know this is a common problem for women, but I just don't know how to fix it. Could you help?

Let me give you some information first. To start off, he thinks he's pretty good in bed. He also thinks the sex between us is amazing (so I ruled out that this is a chemistry issue). His kisses are ferocious, his foreplay doesn't leave me turned on, and while sex may start out nice, he can't seem to finish unless he mimics a jackhammer on steroids and pummels away. I have tried taking control, but things always revert to his old ways and I can't seem to get around that. I have no idea how to nicely (or seductively) give him advice about what I want in bed. When I say something like, "let's slow down a bit," he says in his thick Brazilian accent, "girls like it slow, guys like it fast" and then slows things down for roughly 2.5 minutes before speeding up as if in the Daytona 500. What's a girl to do? Please, please help! I don't want to lose this guy because the sex is no good — or should I? — Unhappy in the Sack Sally

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Unhappy in the Sack Sally,

Ok, since you're trying to rectify the situation, he must be worth it, so let's put our heads together and figure this situation out! First and foremost, you have to be honest with him if you want him to learn what you like. He could be the best guy in the book, but if you're not happy behind closed doors, it'll just be a matter of time before you just can't take it anymore. Since we all know how powerful a kiss can be, let's start there. Put your hands on his face and slow it down a few notches. Hopefully he will feel the sparks fly when you show him what it feels like to kiss passionately. Then tell him what turns you on when you are messing around. Guys can be extremely clueless, so do you part by filling in the blanks for him.

He says "girls like it slow, guys like it fast," so tell him that if he wants to make you happy, he's going to have to compromise. If he knows you like it slow yet continues to go at it full speed ahead, he's being a selfish lover, which is never ok. Keep in mind that you haven't been dating long, and it sometimes takes a while to get to know how each other tick. His ex could have liked things the complete opposite way that you do, so changing his ways could take a while. Being honest is going to be your best best here, so open up and hopefully he'll be willing to work with you and make your sex life everything you've ever wanted it to be. Good luck!


Join The Conversation
nicachica nicachica 9 years
Sorry hon, but if the sex doesn't improve, then move on! hopefully you'll find another hot Brazilian (of which there are many!) who can do you right. ;)
girlfriday girlfriday 9 years
I would say, try talking to him first - not when you're in the bedroom, during a totally neutral moment - and if he doesn't try to compromise, then you can ditch him.
JovianSkies JovianSkies 9 years
He sounds pretty selfish, and is not taking your feelings into real consideration. Also, he doesn't seem very creative... This is only my opinion, but 'you asked', so I say DITCH HIM. Ditch him fast, because that is the way men like it, right?
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 9 years
Have you tried taking charge in bed? If you're on top, just tell him not to do anything. Maybe he'll start to get the idea of what you like if you show him without giving a choice in it ;-)
PJ-PJ-PJ PJ-PJ-PJ 9 years
Oh, the "jackhammer on steroids" comparison has me laughing...mostly because I've been there. My guy's response was, "Just think of how good it will feel in a minute." What?!! I had to let that guy go & my lady parts soon thanked me! It sounds like he just doesn't want to consider your feelings, when it comes down to it. Good luck.
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 9 years
i love the pic of the exasperated girl.. =) no advice sorry
sugarsister sugarsister 9 years
i meant don't BOTHER trying to fix it. i hate it when i'm trying to make a point and i can't spell
sugarsister sugarsister 9 years
don't both trying to fix it. it doesn't work when you're styles are so different. there really are men out there who are good both in and out of bed so don't think because he's a great guy you've got to make it happen with him
TidalWave TidalWave 9 years
honestly, get rid of him. i went through this with an ex and it was not worth my time or effort. he never cared about me enough to please me in bed, so i figured he was not worth all that energy.
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 9 years
He does sound a bit like an ass. Men want to please their women in bed. Boys just want to use their body to get off.
herjoiedevivre herjoiedevivre 9 years
um...he kind of sounds like an ahole, lol. maybe he's a really nice guy but feels the need to totally not listen to what you want in bed. but that whole "girls like this, guys like this, so screw what you said you want, I'm going with my old trademark stud move" is kind of gross. I would gently explain to him that you having fun during sex will lead to more sex, with the opposite being true. hopefully he'll be a little more receptive after that, lol.
melizzle melizzle 9 years
Step it up, take charge and show him what you like. I believe that men can be trained. :)
Meike Meike 9 years
Communicate directly and nicely to him that sex takes two. Tell him what you like. Compromise. Alternate days when the rhythm is slow and when it is fast. If after you have had the talk with him and he continues to only fulfill his needs, he's being selfish ass. He needs to start respecting your feelings.
clareberrys clareberrys 9 years
Maybe turn sex into a can buy books or games from the porn store and then see what those can toys and tell him to use the toys....or tie him up to the bed and say "tonight, im doing the work!" and then if these things dont work try talking with him at a nonthreatening time OUTSIDE of the bedroom and just say look I really like you but I just dont feel like Im 100% satisfied in the bedroom and then tell him how you can work on it together!
kia kia 9 years
You wrote "recently" so hopefully this situation can be remedied with time. Be persistent with telling him what you want in bed, taking control in bed, and eventually telling him what you want when you are not in the sack (when your relationship has reached that level.) If he is worth it, you two will click in time.
eeeyore138 eeeyore138 9 years
You really have to be willing to step up and tell him that this is a partnership... sure its okay to do it his way sometimes but he needs to listen to you as well, just as you would in any other situation. If he does not agree then he obviously doesn't respect you.
time_after_time time_after_time 9 years
Maybe try a different position? Like, you on top with his legs off the bed so he can't move at all... Maybe tell him more directly where you want to be touched, in a sexy, dominatrix kind of way, not an instruction booklet kind of way lol... I would try to take control and show him what good sex really is (I don't think guys necessairly "like" it fast, it's just faster for them to reach the finish line...) and if that doesn't work, either have a heart to heart with him and tell him things have to change in bed or just dump him. I wouldn't make an excuse though, just tell him the truth. Chances are you're not the first who has dumped him for this reason, so maybe he'll get it through his head that sex isn't a race...
fleurfairy fleurfairy 9 years
Dump him. The time you waste trying to make him change his ways would be better used trying to find a guy that's already great in bed.
almost-famous almost-famous 9 years
I know I shouldn't laugh at this problem however, "jackhammer on steroids?". classic! I don't know what I would do in this situation is a smart choice for YOU personally, but I'd pretend something else went wrong in the relationship and probably end it. My sincere advice to you is, go to a sex therapist and talk to her/him in private and see that he/her has to say.
halfbakedjake halfbakedjake 9 years
uum what a keeper. i'm sorry, he could be a really nice guy out of the bedroom, but to me, someone who says "girls like it slow, guys like it fast" and then insists on only going fast isn't showing a lot of consideration for the girl he's with. personally, this would be a huge turn off for me and would make me concerned if this characteristic extended to other situations.
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