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You Asked: How Did He Get Over Me so Fast?

Dear Sugar,

I was with my ex boyfriend on and off for about three years. The relationship was always tough. We went through all the immature stuff young people go through; having issues with each other's friends, him being very jealous and possessive, me wanting time apart to "figure things out." Regardless, he was my first love, but more importantly, my best friend.

In May, we got into an argument and in the heat of the moment, decided we were done for good, but would remain friends. Over the summer, I went through a really rough time with my family and realized how much I wanted him in my life. In August, I approached him about getting back together and he turned me down. He told me he needed to do what it took to make himself happy, but that he would always be there for me.

Well, what do you know, not even a month after this, he tells me he's dating a girl who he met the very weekend I asked about being together again. She lives four hours away from him, and this past weekend I looked at his online profile and she's already telling him she loves him and they haven't even been together a month! I'm devastated. I haven't spoken to him in over a month because I'm too heartbroken and I don't want to know anything about her. I feel like I'm never going to get over him and I don't understand how he got over me so quickly. — Left in the Dust Daisy

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Left in the Dust Daisy,

I am sorry you are so upset, any way you slice it, break ups suck. They are hard, and trying and someone always gets hurt, but unfortunately, they are just a part of life that everyone has experienced. Anyone who has loved has also felt heart break, but remember that with time, your heart will heal and you will be able to move on with your life. With that said, getting over your first love is always the most difficult, so try not to be so hard on yourself. Time is an amazing healer.

Every person moves on at different speeds, so I am sorry that you have to witness your ex beating you to the punch, but remember that you will move on too. It's not a race Daisy, so when the time is right and when you meet the right person, you will know. In the meantime, treat yourself well, lean on your friends and family for support and hang in there. Good luck.

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Confused-Kelly Confused-Kelly 9 years
Hey, I've also been through a similar situation. It really sucks. Its wierd coz sometimes we confuse the deep affection we feel for very close friends with real feelings and in the end, we cant tell heads from tails. that's where i'm at.. Try not to beat yourself up, you will recover from this. My friends recommend keeping busy, and not allowing yourself too much time to mull over the situation. this should allow you time to heal, and after sometime, you'll discover you're feeling so much better, without even trying =) I guess all I'm tryna say is hang in there and you are not alone..
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
maybe he lied.... he wasn't expecting you to ask to get back together so he's already seeing someone else or after someone else...that weekend you tell him about your feelings....he decides that he needs to fix things with the other girl if the relationship is going somewhere...he does...they become exclusive...he can now let go of you.... NEVER keep the hope that this girl is just "rebound"...and that they'll eventually break up and you'll have your chance again...NEVER! My husband's ex saw me in that light and it eventually broke her heart...we've been married for 6 yrs. now.
mrskrismendoza mrskrismendoza 9 years
I went through the same thing. I know how much it hurts. He probably hasn't moved on yet, even though he is with another girl. He is just doing this to ease the pain.
gogengo gogengo 9 years
I can sympathize with you and it looks like a lot of other girls can, too. If he says he's moved on, take him for his word. Even if it is a rebound, you've gotta move on with your life and do things for yourself. Get a pedicure, buy a new pair of shoes, do yoga, eat healthy. Living well really is the best revenge. True love is not about drama and you will learn that along the way.
oh-cecilia-baby oh-cecilia-baby 9 years
he's fooling himself! this new girl is clearly a rebound & his pathetic way of trying to get over your relationship. i also agree completely with Eternity! BOYS just have a tendency, it seems, to be immature & not be appreciative of the great woman they have right in front of their eyes. i'm young also and have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. we've been through a lot but we're finally at a point where we're past all of the young, immature drama and breaking up. they all grow up sometime :) best of luck to you
Eternity Eternity 9 years
He is young and male, what more is there to say? Focus on your friendship. The most mindblowing thing you can do in this situation is take command of yourself, your identity, your self confidence, and actually support him by showing platonic interest in his new fling. Between 23 and 27 I dated a guy off and on, through much turmoil, and finally he broke it off one May. Like your guy, he latched onto a girl from NY almost immediately, and the entire thing was in my face for the entire summer. I dealt with it by remaining his best friend...and in the end it was me left standing. We aren't together now, but at least I didn't let him ruin me.
licia licia 9 years
I was with my ex for 7 years, and he moved on and left me in the dust before the relationship even ended. It's definately hard to recover from such heartbreak.. and it makes you feel pretty worthless, but it will get better eventually. All wounds heal with time :) I agree with the other comments too, don't drag yourself down by keeping up with him online. I got rid of everything that reminded me of my ex, from pictures to stuffed animals, right down to his email address in my address book. Out of sight, out of mind, right?
manhattan-girl manhattan-girl 9 years
Honestly? I wouldn't take it personally, if he was with you for 3 years, he obviously cared about you. The key to moving on is finding someone new to replace the old, and it sounds like it just so happened that he found her quickly. If he didn't have her, I'm sure he'd still be stuck on you, too.
citizenkane citizenkane 9 years
One Word: REBOUND. They will be done in a few months. Oh, and I second vanyvrgs..STOP checking his myspace / facebook or whatever all that crap is. Its just going to upset you each time.
saritabonita saritabonita 9 years
one tip: DO NOT check his myspace, facebook, online whatever. really... it doesnt help... anything he says or does to anyone (even if its in "good terms" or isnt hitting on them) is gonna hurt you. and ur gonna make stories in ur head and bla bla bla.... u can't make anyone happy unless ur happy and fullfilled ... do u believe in God? are you spiritual? getting closer to God in these moments helps alot.... anyway, good luck...remember... TRUE LOVE is not like that... its not suppose to be like that.. so if ur not together anymore... then its not true (maybe it was at one point, but NOT anymore)
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Stop talking to him, stop trying to be his friend. get out with friends and make new ones, go and have fun. Stop checking that lame site and just stop messing with him. It's the only way you'll move on.
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
This happened to me with a 4-yr boyfriend. You just need to get away from any place where you might have news about or contact with him. Move on-- go out with your girlfriends, get some hobbies that involve other people. It's horrible to lose your best friend AND boyfriend at once, but you have to just get away from this. And as a side note, the relationship it sounds like he's having will probably not last, but in any case you NEED to not pay attention to this right now. easier said than done, right?
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 9 years
Oh, and stop checking his my space or whatever.
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 9 years
I agree with all the comments -- well, most, I am not sure she is just a warm body or a rebound type since it is six months, and you said yourself the relationship was rocky. It was not meant to be. you will soon see it as well.
graceunderfire graceunderfire 9 years
Let him go, it's the only way to free yourself. It's difficult to see it now, but there will be a time when it won't hurt at all to look back on this.
bfly1133 bfly1133 9 years
cuba, you make an excellent point about this could be more about the recent rejection than the fact that he has moved on.
Lippy Lippy 9 years
You can love someone with all your heart and still not be able to make it work with them (personality differences, different goals, values, etc), so just because he is dating someone else does not necessarily mean that he is over you..perhaps he just realized that a relationship with you will not make him happy despite his love for you and he wants to move on, which is totally understandable OR idk, not to be harsh or anything, but maybe he just wasn't that into you
cubadog cubadog 9 years
Bfly I am with you to me 6 months is a long time and I would have expected both of you to start dating. I think you are more hurt that he rejected you in August.
Marci Marci 9 years
It is REALLY hard to be the one who has to watch the ex move on - and it's even harder when you've decided you want to get back with that person and they aren't interested. That's is a double whammy, and I really do feel for you, Dust Daisy. I agree with jeng and bfly's points that some people latch onto the next warm body AND that there's also been a good 6 months between girlfriends. Both true and valid points. But I'd also like to add that there's no clock on when you might meet a person you click with. I left a very longterm relationship with the idea that I was going to be single for a long time. Two weeks later I met my Mr. Right. I spent a lot of time trying to talk myself out of him because 'it was only two weeks' since my breakup. I finally just decided to take the ride and see where it went, I'm sure glad I did. So if that's how it is for her ex, then so be it. But it doesn't make it any easier for Dust Daisy; that's for sure.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
Let him go. Love happens differently for people, it might take awhile, it might be instantaneous. You will find yours, let him have his and dont screw it up for him by being jealous
bfly1133 bfly1133 9 years
Ladies, you have made some great points already! I do want to add one thing that may help just a tiny, tiny bit. The break-up was in May and that is almost six months ago. For some of us that wouldn't be enough time to start another relationship. But in the grand scheme of things it is a good amount of time to have gone by. So although it isn't the kind of comfort one could hope for, it's a lot better than him dating someone after a month. And one more thing, let's not jump to conclusions about this new girl or their relationship. My husband started dating again in this same timeline. (Broke up in May, met me in August.) We also said "I love you" rather fast and we have been together six years, married for two. Instead of trying to say this relationship isn't as good or the girl isn't as good, let's just say it wasn't meant to be. And both of them are better off this way. :)
AtlantaNoleGirl AtlantaNoleGirl 9 years
Wow, I was in almost an identical situation 2 years ago, and it was so weird to read it here! I was in an on-again-off-again relationship for 8 years, pretty much my whole dating-life, and then he broke up with me and was saying "I love you" to another girl within 2 months. It was a girl he had become friends with while we were still together, and I always suspected he was attracted to her, though he swears nothing happened until after our breakup. I think he's just one of those people who constantly has to be in a relationship to feel good about himself. Anyway, he was with her for a while, then with me again, and now is back with her. At this point, I haven't spoken with him at all in about a year and 3 months... and it was the only way I was able to move on. Every once and I while I sneak a peek at his Myspace and see that they are still together - but I've finally been able to accept that and know that I'm better off.
brown_eyed_grrl brown_eyed_grrl 9 years
Great advice, JenG. I'd say Dust Daisy should make this time all about her. I think it's easy to start making sacrifices and lose yourself in a turbulent relationship. So do things for yourself that make you feel fabulous. Do anything his jealousy and possessiveness prevented you from doing before. Go out with girlfriends, take a class you've always wanted to try. My choice was martial arts and boxing...it's great for stress/anger, but some might like the yoga route, or an art class, anything that speaks to you. The other benefit is that you'll get out and meet new people with similar interests.
alltherage alltherage 9 years
you need to cut him out til you heal completely. when i broke up with my ex i asked all mutual friends not to tell me anythign about him short of him getting in an accident or anything of that serious nature. i dont want to know if he's dating soemone. and eventually while i know it would hurt to find out even now you stop caring. but it takes tiem and distance and EFFORT. Also, jsut because he is with someone doesnt guarantee he's happy. a friend of mine's ex of 7 YEARS starting dating someone 2 months after they broke up. he recently told her he was never happy with the new girl and only missed my friend. but by then she had moved on. thing is you dont know how he's feeling nor can you control it -- so take care of yourself and you'll attract soemone you deserve!
onesong onesong 9 years
Hear Hear JenG!
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