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You Asked: How Do I Get Him Back?

Dear Sugar,

I spent four months dating a really great guy. We broke up five months ago when he decided it was too hard, which it was. He works full time and goes to school. I also work full time, but my schedule changes every week. During the relationship. I did the same thing I've been doing all my life, and took the blame for everything that went wrong. It bothered him that I never shared my opinions because I've been programmed to feel that my opinion isn't worth much.

Recently I have been trying to stay away from him (to give him space) and started going to therapy for my low self-esteem. What else can I do to show him that he really does matter to me, and that we can both be happy? He never lied to me or failed to be there when I needed him for something. He's worth the work I'd have to put into the relationship. He's better then what I could possibly deserve even with his own imperfections. How can I get him back?

— Want Him Back Becca

To see Dear Sugar's answer


Dear Want Him Back Becca,

It's great to hear that you're trying to work on your self-esteem and insecurities, but it still sounds like your expending more energy trying to get your ex back than figuring out how to make yourself happy without him. If one of the biggest obstacles in your relationship was your lack of self-confidence, by working hard to retrain your mind and grow your confidence, you will naturally open up yourself to a relationship (perhaps with someone who's schedule is more in tune with your own.)

Breakups are incredibly difficult, and letting go of someone that you feel close to hurts, but I recommend doing whatever you can to let your ex take a back seat while you continue to work on believing in yourself and building your self-esteem. Once you've given yourself time to heal and some space to grow, re-examine your past relationship and then decide if it's really something you want to pursue again. By that time, you'll likely have the confidence and spirit you need to easily start a new relationship if need be. Good luck to you.


Join The Conversation
MarinerMandy MarinerMandy 9 years
You really need to work on yourself. It's not his job to fix you. I broke up with a great guy once because it was so hard on me to deal with all of his problems. The fact that you seem desperate to get him back is really indicitive of how much work you have to do. Good luck with everything. I know how hard it can be, but once you love yourself you WILL find a relationship deserving of you. On a side note, does anyone else think the girl in the picture looks like she could be a Hilton sister?
Ray70121 Ray70121 9 years
I don't get it. You said he broke up with you because it was to hard? If that is what he said why would you want him. Things get rough and he bails out? Is that really the type of man you want to trust and depend on for better or for "worse"? He might be a real lady's man, sweet talking and nice looking but he's not a "man". You should think about what kind of man you really want.
booberry booberry 9 years
Honey you do not need him back. You need to make sure you are happy with yourself, that you are healthy and in a good place in your own life, that you are self sufficient before you need a man. It seems like you dont think "you deserve him". That is not a good way to think. You need to work on realizing that YOU deserve everything YOU want. Work on yourself- you are great as you are! Once you see that the right relationship will come you way.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Stay in therapy. it'll help you, you're nothing without your self-esteem. Hell, you're this and it's not good.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
why would you want someone who quits when things are a little hard to juggle??? keep going to therapy, and stop being thirsty. a great guy will come along. but take care of YOU first.
cvandoorn cvandoorn 9 years
I agree with the above need to really work on your self esteem...once you improve on that, you'll realize that this guy isn't worth your time since he wasn't willing to put up with the relationship!
Marci Marci 9 years
Unfortunately, we can get someone back who doesn't want to come back, so there isn't really much you can do. BUT - it's fantastic that you're aware that you need to do work on yourself, so I'd say just concentrate on that and see where it takes you. The better you start to feel about yourself, the more that will come your way - including more guys. Get ready!
Berlin Berlin 9 years
"better than you could possibly deserve"?? Looks like you need to be in a single status working on your self-esteem in therapy for MUCH longer than trying to jump back into a relationship. If it was that difficult that early on, it won't last..sorry. And at 4 months, you can't tell how great a person really is anyways, which means your attraction is solely based on dependency and longing rather than anything substantial. Start working just on you and forget about having a man or keeping one that you dating for a few months, and then move on. Pace yourself and learn to finally accept that you deserve better than you are realizing now.
iRose iRose 9 years
You need to work on yourself and leave the guy alone. Learn to become a whole and complete person, and then you can give yourself to a relationship. You can't go into a relationship expecting someone to complete you or any of that drivel. It seems to me the guy felt like he was doing too much work in the relationship in trying to make you feel better about yourself and to stand up for yourself by sharing your opinions. No one wants an incomplete person, it's too much work. Work on you and better relationships will follow, don't expect a partner to give you what you don't give yourself.
petite42 petite42 9 years
I agree with Dear Sugar and Jude on this. The question is, why all the focus on him? Because you are avoiding your own issues that need your focus. Those are too scary to confront. But you must. You cannot ever be in a healthy, loving relationship until you first cultivate a healthy, loving relationship with your own self.
atablackbelt atablackbelt 9 years
I agree, if he really cared about u, he would have stuck with u. U need to learn your value and self worth, and then u will not even want a man who doesn't want u back.....
Jude-C Jude-C 9 years
Jude-C Jude-C 9 years
It sounds like you are still taking the blame for everything that went wrong in the relationship: "I have been trying to stay away from him (to give him space)" "What else can I do to show him..." "He's worth the work I'd have to put into the relationship." "He's better then what I could possibly deserve" Honestly, I kind of cringed when I read these statements. I think the healthiest thing for you to do for yourself would be to continue working on your self-esteem, since it still needs quite a lot of work, and try not to obsess about this guy. You're going to fall back into the same pattern of takiig all the blame even if you do get him back. I know it sounds harsh, but that's how it seems to me.
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