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You Asked: How Do I Get Over Him?

Dear Sugar,

I was dating this guy for four years who I was madly in love with. The only problem was that I always felt that he was slightly out of my grasp and that I never really had him. He was always late to pick me up and it always seemed like he preferred hanging out with his friends more than spending time with me. We broke up over the Summer, but I'm having such a hard time getting over him. I want to hear from him and see him because I love him so much. He still calls me and I pick up knowing that I shouldn't, always wishing that he wants to get back together again. He says he loves me but he doesn't want a relationship right now. It's really hurting me and I know it's my own fault for allowing it to happen. How do you get over someone who doesn't want you anymore?

—Full of Sorrow Sally

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Full of Sorrow Sally,

Break ups are the worst, and I know you loved this guy, but as you said before, he didn't treat you how you deserve to be treated. It sounds as though he was never fully committed to you. Try to recall all the times you felt disrespected when he was late to pick you up, and how hurt you felt when you knew he'd rather be with his friends instead of being with you. Harness those feelings the next time the phone rings. Answer it and be strong. Say that you don't want him calling you anymore. If you can't say those words, than just don't pick up the phone. Don't give him the luxury of having you in his life whenever he feels like it. Pushing him away is the best way to get over him. You know that old saying, "out of sight out of mind?" It works. It will take time, of course, but you need space from him in order to let your heart heal.

Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who's totally in love with you, who wants to spend their time with you, someone who loves you for who you are. Get this old boyfriend out of your life so you can make room for a deeper and more satisfying relationship. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
charlieq charlieq 9 years
hi, i know exactly what this feels like too. i'm in love with someone who tells me "i love you", but i never feel like a priority. when both her friends and i ask her out, she'll just string me along with her friends. when we hang out with her siblings and i tell her i'm bored to tears, she just apologizes for having so much fun when i'm feeling so bored. and "out of sight out of mind" is really true. i couldnt get over my ex. we said we'd still remain friends, so we still talked and met up once in a while. it was really hard to not want my ex until my friend advised me to distance myself. now i've fully gotten over my ex and we're still friends. just give yourself the time and space necessary to fully get over this guy. dont let him think he can have you whenever he wants and neglect you when he doesnt.
bG bG 9 years
i know how you feel. it's just like what i'm going through. i think the best thing is to cut him off ur life! Y waste ur time for soemone who doesn't even deserve ur love n care when u can find someone who really cares for u? he doesn't deserve u.
Vdogg Vdogg 9 years
If a man really wants something, he'll do whatever it takes to get it. You need to believe deep down that he doesn't want you, & it sounds like he's stringing you along as a backup in case he gets lonely. That's cruel. One thing that helps me is to make a list of all of the bad things you don't like about him, & keep it closeby so that if you ever get a sense of longing for him - read it & believe me it'll go away. Remind yourself of all of the times he stood you up, or kept you waiting, embarassed you, etc. Also don't talk to him anymore, for real!
trixiefire trixiefire 9 years
Also, the distraction of meeting someone fascinating and new, can sometimes help. When you're breathless from a first kiss from a new guy, it makes it hard to feel blue about the guy who's missing out!
trixiefire trixiefire 9 years
I feel for ya sweetie. The best idea is to go as long as you can without talking to him. Time heals all wounds, and you need distractions, as many as you can get. Every time you talk to him, its gonna be the same old feelings all over again. If you have to, villify him. Its easier to get over someone who is flawed. Go out and celebrate being you, pamper and take care of yourself and just do whatever it is that makes you happy and feel good, and do it till the rain inside goes away. For me, thats giving myself a nice mani/pedi while watching comedy shows and sipping mimosas, or nights of fresh chocolate chip cookies, video games, and a joint. Just spoil yourself to death and feel good, surround yourself with friends and distractions.
thewavingcat thewavingcat 9 years
qtpie - i'm so happy for you! congrats on finding your true love. :)
bethiesny bethiesny 9 years
This is exactly what I'm currently going through - with an added bonus. After almost 5 years, my boyfriend (who I lived with) broke up with me two weeks before Christmas. I'm devastated, trying to get through each day, etc. But the kicker? We work together. I love my job and don't want to leave; he feels the same. How's that for fun? No, we don't work in the same department or in the same part of the building, but... It makes it a lot harder to get up and go to work everyday when I know he's there.
alltherage alltherage 9 years
that sucks! i was in a relationship for three and half years .... sounds similar to urs. its been over a year. i didnt talk to him afterwards... it was hard and got easier with time. he has tried to contact me but i havent answered. i havent been able to answer jsut to say knock it off so i can understand how hard it is. its hard now cuz he's what your used to and what is safe -- even though its wrong. cut him off and hang out with people who are good with u, find activites that you like --- you will find someone who is happy to be with you but you have to be happy with urself first.
MandyJoBo MandyJoBo 9 years
You need to spend this time figuring life out and learning to love yourself so that you DON'T spend four years with someone who doesn't show you love the way you deserve to be shown.
1QTPIE 1QTPIE 9 years
I know exactly where you're coming from. I was in an almost 5 year relationship where I felt the same way. We were together but I felt I never had a solid grasp on him to be secure that he was all mine. He never gave me reason to believe that we wouldn't work, it was just the gut feelings I had. Well long story short now were separated and have been for almost 3 years. The only good part was I didn't have to deal with him being in my face trying to get back with me. He was in prison so it was all done in letters that I tore up rather then read. We had broken up plenty of times off and on during our relationship where he would tell me he loved me but didn't want to be with me then the next night he would be sitting outside of my house calling me. Telling me every wonderful thing in the book. Now I have our 3 year old son and he doesn't pay a dime of child-support like he's supposed to. He ended up marrying the chick he got pregnant when he had me 5 months pregnant. So turn off the phone or just let it ring. He'll get the point if you just let him fill up your voicemail and don't return any calls. Find someone who is going to adore you and treat you like your supposed to be treated and love you just the way your going to love them. I did and it feels great.... ;) We're even talking about marriage and getting a house.... You'll get through this and it'll make you that much stronger and you'll be able to love twice as much as before.
Madoka321 Madoka321 9 years
I am just getting away from feeling that same way. I was always there for him, but he was never there for me. While time does make it easier, so does kissing someone else!! My ex had been my 'only' for so long I had forgotten what that first kiss felt like. It was nice. For me it didn't go further than that kiss. But it was all I needed to remember that I am a bright, intelligent young woman who is indeed attractive and desired. I think of my broken heart like a broken bone. When a bone breaks and heals it is stronger than before the break. Your heart will heal and be even stronger. Warm thoughts your way!
mlen mlen 9 years
cut off all ties. i had the same problem, i was so in love with an ex and he would still contact me and even want to hang out, but not get back together. but i'd talk to him hoping he'd change his mind. he didn't and i finally realized that all i was doing was torturing myself. so one day i just stopped returning all calls and emails. it was hard at first but in the end it helped. also ever hear the saying that 'the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else'? haha well i'm not saying take it literally but in theory its a good idea. start checking out guys. whether it be at school or work or the gym or wherever, just start noticing other guys. after a bit you'll notice a cute one that makes you want to talk to him. a bit of flirting will make you feel good about yourself. go on a date or two with someone, it'll remind you there are many other (better) fish out there! just ease your way back into it!
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Stop taking his phone calls. You're not together and you've got to accept that. Love and care for yourself, that's what's going to help you.
KimBurnett KimBurnett 9 years
This is what I learned, the hard way, and what I'm telling my daughter: Love yourself more than any man. We women are amazing and we need to own our power by knowing that. That said, I am sorry this happened. I know it hurts. But sugarsister and the ladies are right. Time will heal you and give you perspective too. Stay strong.
thewavingcat thewavingcat 9 years
you need to tell him to stop calling you because you only want a real man who can handle being in a real relationship, not some pansy ass who only wants you when it's convenient for him. he had his chance, and he blew it. i know it's hard to get over someone, but if he never was in the relationship 100%, you need to realize that this is something that never was meant to be. the relationship ended the minute he wasn't committed to you, and by keeping in contact with him you're just prolonging what you know is already over. stay strong and pick yourself back up again. you deserve someone who wants and loves you! god bless!
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
He's not going to come crawling back to you. So the phone calls are pointless and will just make it harder to transition into single life. Listen, the whole friends after a relationship thing might work for some people but for the majority it's a waste of time. Would you want to be friends with someone who disrespected you? which is exactly what he did when he always showed up late. You have to think of the negative aspects of the relationship and realize it wasn't picture perfect. You also have to have the self esteem to realize you deserve a better guy who doesn't want to put all his energy into his friends. It's time to be a strong woman and tell him you just can't talk to him anymore. Yes, it will hurt and he will probably act like he doesn't care but it's the best thing for YOU.
bailaoragaditana bailaoragaditana 9 years
I think the fact that I wasn't wanted would be the biggest push in getting over him - why pine for someone who doesn't want you? It's an exercise in futility, and you're just keeping yourself from meeting someone who DOES want you.
nicachica nicachica 9 years
i'm so sorry you're feeling this way. i know how it feels when you know you need to let someone go but it's so hard to put your feelings into action. try and muster up the courage to tell him not to contact you anymore the next time he calls. and then after doing that, CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER. Get a new email address. Gather up all the momentos from the relationship (if you haven't already) and have yourself a little bonfire. or put them away in a box and give what you can to charity (i.e. that sweater or cd he gave you). and then do what every girl tries to do to get her mind off the guy she knows isn't good for her but still longs for - stay busy, busy, busy. if you ignored your friends during your relationship, send them an email and try and re-connect with them. do whatever you can to get this guy out of sight, out of mind. good luck! you deserve SO MUCH BETTER.
graceunderfire graceunderfire 9 years
It sounds like he wants to keep the option of coming back to you open in case he changes his mind. A lot of guys are cruel this way. Basically, he cares more about his sense of security than your well-being. He is showing you his true character. Take a good look at it, accept that he has always been this way and will probably always be this way, and then just be relieved that you did not marry this guy. Then you would have had to deal with his self-centered ways for the rest of your life.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
Why is he still calling you? I bet you haven't been able to tell him to knock it off, have you? If you don't have the willpower to let the call go, then maybe you can garner temporary willpower to tell him to stop? You will NOT EVER GET OVER HIM if you keep talking to him. Isn't that enough motivation to stop? I feel for you, I do. It's hard to do what you know you *should* do when there are so many emotions involved. But this guy isn't it, and the sooner you cut the umbilical cord, the better, in terms of recovery. After that, all you need is time, and to take good care of yourself. Good luck.
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