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You Asked: How Do we Stop the Fighting?

Dear Sugar--
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years off and on. I have done a lot of things to hurt him and break his trust in the past. We love each other very much but the problem is we can't stop fighting. We fight at least once a day and we say and do things that we later regret. We are both very stubborn and always have to be right. We can't end an argument because we both have to have the last word. I've tried getting advice from other people but the answers are not what we are looking for like couples counseling or putting money in a jar every time we get mad. We really need some advice that works. Breaking up is not an option for either of us but the fighting is getting exhausting. We really need some good advice. -- Brawling Becky

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Brawling Becky--

I am sorry to hear about all this fighting but unfortunately, I have some of the same advice as your friends, I think seeing a couple's counselor or a therapist would do wonders for you and your relationship. Are you fighting because there are still deep seeded problems from your past that neither one of you have been able to let go or are you fighting so you can simply make up? Some couples thrive off the drama of arguing, making up, and even being incredibly nasty to each other, but in the long run, that dynamic gets old and tiring, eventually leaving both people in the relationship hurt and wanting more.

Perhaps taking a few days apart from each other will help gain some perspective. Do you have a friend you can stay with or a family member? It sounds like you just need a little distance to start appreciating each other again. If breaking up isn't an option, you're going to have to work together to end your constant battling. Try talking to each other before you reach the point of arguing and think before you say things you will later regret. If you don't get a grasp on what is causing this anger between you two, one of you will grow intense resentment for the other that could in turn destroy your relationship so I suggest getting outside help before it's too late. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
dior_show dior_show 10 years
everyone is right. I'm sure you have probably tried to talk it out, but if that hasn't worked then counseling is the next step. Five years is a long time to waste with fights and distrust. If courseling doesnt work you really dont have many more options. Breaking up may be hard, but you may one day realize how much better you feel without all the fighting. I was in a similiar situation a while ago, and finally with several of my freinds support I was able to just walk away from both him and the fighting. It was SO hard, but after a while I realized how worth it it was. Now I am totally happy with a guy who I don't fight with and get along with great. There are billions of people in the world, one is bound to make you happier than one you fight with all the time and have no trust with.
dcmurray1970 dcmurray1970 10 years
I agree with the other posters. You two really need counseling. Why isn't breaking up an option? You dont seem very happy together.
ash_marisa ash_marisa 10 years
Counseling or break up The options you don't want because they are your hardest to face it seems are the best. if there was another way you would have done it by now.
vmruby vmruby 10 years
I can't even imagine being in a relationship like that.The way i see it, you have two choices whether you want to hear it or not.You guys can either get some counseling before there is nothing left to save(it already sounds like you have a bunch of issues) or end the relationship.....period
rubialala rubialala 10 years
Get counseling or break up. Those are your options. If you don't do it, then the other option is to continue the path that you are on. If you thrive on the drama of fighting, then it seems that you are in a perfect relationship.
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 10 years
Here's my piece: You don't really want the advice, because you know most people are going to suggest counseling. It seems as though you're almost grudgingly asking for help. That won't work. And you say that breaking up is not an option. So you'd rather stay in a miserable relationship (as it stands now) than be happy? That says loads about your self esteem. Another reason for counseling. None of us here are counselors, and we're not going to give you the kind of advice that a counselor can.
clarapl clarapl 10 years
Since counselling does not appeal to you, what about reading a relationship book on your own? I have not read this one, but I've heard about it from different people, and saw it mentioned in an article...about couples who can't stop fighting! Good luck.
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 10 years
I agree with the above posters as well. What do you mean that you won't go to couples counseling but won't break up either. Trust me if you do not do couseling, since you are saying that you are stubborn and pigheaded and must have the last word, the relationship won't last. So stop being stubborn and take the first step to helping you both grow....Good luck.
fab4 fab4 10 years
I agree with carebear and sugar. Advice is sometimes what you don't want to hear. Try counseling or taking a break. If neither works, I'm sorry to say there may not be anything left for this relationship. Once trust is broken, it is difficult to regain it. Good Luck!
sass317 sass317 10 years
I think its odd that you said that you dont want to go to counseling and that breaking up isnt an option too. There are plenty of programs out there that are free- you just have to do a little research. Its all about learning how to fight fair and obviously neither of you know how- youre both so busy thinking about what youre going to say to get the last word in that youre probably not even listening to each other. I would suggest counseling and try mirroring each other when you are arguing. You say, "When you do/say somethingoranother I feel like...." that way you arent sounding like you are accusing him of anything- you are stating the way his actions or words make you feel, understanding that that might not be his intention. Then he mirrors it back to you in his own words, he cant just parrot it back- then you know he really heard you. If he doesnt get it- then he has to try again- then you discuss what to do to fix it and then its his turn. But you have to stay calm- no yelling or name calling. Good luck
Carebear144 Carebear144 10 years
It seems that if the advice that you always get is "go see a couples counselor," it might be a good idea. You say it's not the advice you need, but is it perhaps not the advice you WANT? Being in a relationship isn't easy, and it sounds like you want a quick, easy fix, and that's just not going to happen. Also, it's a little scary when people say "breaking up isn't an option." Why not? If your relationship isn't healthy and you don't even like each other, why would you stay together? Incidentally, I'm the exact same way when it comes to arguing, and the fact that you recognize your faults is the first step. But then you have to actually do something about it and try to compromise or change. You're never going to get anywhere if you just throw up your hands and say "I'm a jerk when I fight" and then not try to fight better. There seriously is a good and a bad way to fight, and the bad way involves hurting people's feelings and not caring about your partner. Maybe if you were a bit kinder and more considerate of each other, your fights would be more productive.
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