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You Asked: How Long Should I Accept Her Silence?

DearSugar --

About 3 years ago my best friend from childhood and I got back together after a sixteen-year separation. It was like nothing had changed. We were both newly single and we talked, emailed and chatted at least 3 times a day. We went out to clubs every weekend and listened to each other when a dream date turned into a disaster. It was like a real-life Sex and the City.

Then everything changed. She started a new friendship with a colleague and we all hung out for a while. We both found boyfriends. She broke up with hers but I'm still with mine. Then suddenly I became a leper. I can't really understand it but she stopped returning phone calls, emails and declined invitations. It seems that she decided to replace me with this new colleague as soon as I had a boyfriend.

This has caused a lot of pain. It's like being dumped by a guy but it's worse because I don't have a best friend to talk to about it. I have sent countless emails with little or no response. Should I keep trying to heal the relationship and find out what happened, or should I just read the writing on the wall? ~Sincerely, Shunned Sheila

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Shunned Sheila --

You lost a friend, found her, and now appear to have lost her again for no reason you can understand. This sounds very painful and unsettling. Still, you do seem to understand, through your description of the chain of events, why she has disappeared. It's not pretty, but it certainly seems likely -- and sad.

Some friendships become deep, long-lasting bonds between people. Some fade, fracture, or crumble altogether. Some friendships serve a purpose or a function, and when that purpose ends, so do the friendships. Perhaps your friend is jealous, threatened by something and ashamed to admit, or perhaps she wanted a playmate, which is a different thing entirely from a friend.

We can only speculate, which I don't recommend doing for too much longer, Sheila. If she can't show you the basic courtesy of a response, the only thing left for you is to grieve the loss, take care of yourself and open yourself to another friendship.


grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
It does seem like she was using your relationship for a really specific purpose. She wanted someone to party with and to vent about guys. Now that you have a successful relationship she's probably jealous. It sounds like she is pretty immature, which is too bad since you wanted a real friendship and she is clearly not interested. I don't think you need to cut off contact with her completely, but I would limit it to a short email once in a while just saying hello and telling her you hope she is well. You deserve better friends than this and I'm sure you will find them!
andaman andaman 10 years
One more thing how well does your boyfriend know her? I hate and i mean hate to stir -hit up between people but it's happened to my friend before. Maybe she's having a thing with him? Do you think that's a possibility? Don't assume they are having a thing because of what i said immediately. Think carefully. I may be completely wrong here. I hope I'm wrong here.
tamberly tamberly 10 years
I would say the ball is in her court..maybe give it some time and try to contact her a couple more times..if no response then, then maybe you should kind of let it go.
andaman andaman 10 years
I think she resents you for something (perhaps the fact that you have a boyfriend and she doesn't ?) . Have you turned down her invitations to go anywhere because you wanted to be with your man??? Have you been out somewhere and forgot to include her? I am so sure it's because she feels left out by you. If I were you I would turn up at her door and talk to her about it. Explain her friendship means a lot to you and you don' t understand what went wrong? If she's being nasty to you about it then you know she's a waste of time. Chances are you two will talk things through like adults though. Good luck.
XDeexDeeX XDeexDeeX 10 years
You should give her a little time. Maybe you can see her face to face if possible so you can deal with it not waiting for a response.
Marci Marci 10 years
I agree with pop. If you want to give contacting her one last try, go for it. But it doesn't sound like she's open to the friendship for some unknown reason, and that does seem to happen with certain friendships. If she doesn't respond this time, I'd suggest letting it go at that.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
I'm sorry to hear it Sheila. It sounds like you have tried your hardest to salvage the friendship and it sounds like she's not reciprocating. I think friendships can be as tricky as relationships sometimes, and like you said, sometimes it can be harder to deal with the rejection of a friend. If you want to write her one last time and just be frank and ask her why she's behaving this way, I don't see a reason not to. I don't think you have anything to lose.
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