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You Asked: I Am Sick of Him

Dear Sugar,

I have been married to my husband for 10 years. My husband, like many men, made the mistake of cheating on me, more than once. He has also been unkind when it has come to repairing our relationship. His solution was to tell me to "get over it." It's been six years and I have relived his infidelity issue almost every day of my married life.

One day I woke up and realized that I don't have to make anyone happy but myself and my children, and that if I leave my happiness up to him, I am going to die a lonely, sad individual. We don't communicate, and we don't agree on anything. I hate for him to touch me. Very small insignificant things will start a massive argument. I’ve been trying to make some changes by working out and getting my hair done, etc, but he only makes comments that I have changed for the worse. When I bought some new sexy underwear, I was accused of sleeping with someone else.

I am instantly depressed when I come home from work because I have to deal with him. I want out of my marriage but my only fear is that he won’t live up to his responsibility when it comes to our children. I'm stuck. What should I do?

—Trapped Tarah

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Trapped Tarah,

Your situation sounds just awful, and I admire you for wanting to do what’s right for you and your children. Before you make any decisions, marriage counseling is certainly worth looking into. If that doesn't help, separation sounds like the next step.

It’s very likely that your children will respond to the idea of a separation with sadness and fear, but staying in a loveless, and what you describe as a hate-filled, marriage, is not necessarily a better option. I assure you that your strained relationship is having a very lasting effect on your children.

Furthermore, the fear you mention of your husband not living up to his responsibilities was realized when he cheated on you for the first time. Part of caring for his children is setting a good example and creating a loving environment, both of which he has already ceased to do. Unfortunately, it's now up to you to do what's right for them. While you decide which path to take, continue to focus on bettering yourself and keeping the communication open and honest with your children.


Janine22 Janine22 9 years
He has to pay child support, you can take legal action to ensure this is the case. As for the issue of him spending time with the kids, do you really think he is a good role model for your children? It sounds like it would almost be a blessing for them if he doesn't want to, because he obviously has no respect whatsoever for women. Is that how you want your children to be? Get out now, and utilize whatever resources you can to help yourself. When I was young, I used to wish my parents would divorce because my dad treated her disrespectfully and was emotionally abusive. He was also emotionally abusive to me and my sisters. It sounds like your husband has no remorse for what he has done, and is a serial cheater. Good for you for realizing that he will never make you happy. Only you can make you happy, and I hope you take plenty of time for yourself now to do so and to do what is best for your children. They have sensed your unhappiness and lived through your pain as well. Time to do better by them and yourself.
enele enele 9 years
Rejection is more powerful than death. Why sit their until you die, in the meantime your children is sufferinng silently, eventually their minds will erupt like a volcano, afterward an empty dark hole sink into their hearts. At the end they would only resent you for staying with that idiot. Anytime a person cannot accept kindness, compassion, love and respect from his or her mate always be alarm because he a ticking time bomb, bound to snap any giving moment.
tinyspark tinyspark 9 years
The kids will THANK you for trying to make their situation better. He also already shirked responsibility for his marriage so don't be surprised if he does the same for the kids (or he might step up and be a of luck.)
CoMMember13630786602261 CoMMember13630786602261 9 years
Part of his abuse and control over you is making you feel like you have no other options. Of course he wants you to feel that way, because then you'll stay. But you DO have LOTS of other options. I was raised (basically) without a father (only seeing him for a few weeks every summer) And I turned out fine, children can be incredibly resilient to these kind of situations, as long as you give them stability. Being raised by a single stable mother is far better for children than witnessing physical/verbal/emotional abuse. Do the children see this? How privy are they to the situation? If they are being caught in the middle, then you need to get out NOW. If he doesnt want to be a part of the kids life, thats his loss, he doesnt sound like someone I would want my children looking up to anyway. If he refuses to help support them...well...we have family courts for a reason, and they can (and will) make him support his children.
Martini-Rossi Martini-Rossi 9 years
Millions of women raise their children alone, you can do it. Staying in that marriage will kill you. You need to leave for the sake of your sanity and children. You deserve to be happy and I am sure your kids can sense you that your unhappy. Leaving will be hard but in the end you will be a better, stronger, and happier person which will be awesome for you and great for the kids. You only have ONE life to live so Live it to the fullest.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
he isn't living up to his responsibilities now, so why would he suddenly start doing so after you leave him? you need to accept this as fact, as part of your life and move on. as much as i hate divorce i think you should start preparing to leave. 1) try and get together as much money as you can in either a separate bank account or a place where he won't find it. 2) make a list of what you need before you go (shelter, job making x amount). 3) get an accurate assessment of community assets/debts (all bank accounts with account numbers and their balance, investments, properties and how they are held, his income, that type of thing. 4) go to an attorney that specializes in family law, your local american bar association can refer yo to someone. you will need to give them a retainer up front, probably $5k at least. i'm thinking this might take a year. get your plan together and don't do anything that will make the situation worse (threaten or tell him you're leaving) you to to surprise him to get the best outcome (don't want him hiding assets). life will be tough when you leave, but it's tough now. it will get better after you are out of there and you can put a happy life together for yourself and your children. good luck to you.
MsWalton MsWalton 9 years
Sister, you're story is hitting home. My mother is in your same situation. After 30+ years of being married to my emotionally abusive father, she's finally reached her breaking point. Trust me, you're children do NOT need to be around someone who treats their mother so badly. You and your children will be okay.
Andergirl Andergirl 9 years
I'm so sorry to hear about your story. My mom went through the same thing. It seems like he has no intention of making the relationship better. Like you said, just think about yourself and your children. But brace yourself, in every way. Especially financially because as we know as women we can't rely on a men. Hope everything works out for you.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
Wow, I can't believe you've put up with that man as long as you have. Maybe you and I have different personalities because I don't identify with your "tolerance" at all. It's time to give that a**hole his walking papers. Fire him from being your husband due to his poor performance evaluation. You deserve to be happy, and your children deserve a happy mother. That's the best you can do for yourself and your children.
remedios remedios 9 years
In getting out of the marriage, just don't make it about forcing him to do things or taking things away from him. Try to make it an amicable arrangement. He might be a jerk to you, but he's still a father. Don't assume he won't want to play a role, or that he'll try to avoid obligations. Don't try to take away time for the children with their father. If you start off assuming the worst, it will definitely be that way. It might still anyway, but for the sake of your children, try to make it as amicable as possible.
emalove emalove 9 years
Daisie, excellent advice...I couldn't have said it any better.
trésjolie1 trésjolie1 9 years
I want you to know that this is more emotionally scarring than a divorce would be to your children. I've been there. I thought my mother was never going to leave, and she and I were held in an emotional strangle hold by my stepfather all through growing up. Please, please get out. You've tried everything, and when there is no more to fix then get out. I never told my mother to leave because I just told her what I thought she wanted to hear; but I wish I had back then or that somebody else had. She eventually left him when I was 17. Seeing how my mother dealt with conflict has shaped me so much and I have to try everyday not to fall into what is familiar to me. Show your kids you are one to be respected and tell them that your relationship was destructive. I know just too well how it is when a mother doesn't leave because she wants to stick by her marriage and provide stability. Please get out.
sarah-lynn sarah-lynn 9 years
This man sounds awful! you do not need to instantly feel depressed the moment you enter your home, that is supposed to be your sanctuary. I know the thought of divorce is hard to deal with, especially with children involved, but you need out (and they deserve a happy mom!). i say get out immediately. it should have happened years ago ("get over it" is not a response that one should give when acting like a total dog). even if he does not hold up to his end of responsibilities of care of the children, from the sounds of it i would want them around him anyway. he sounds like a cruel cruel pig with a heart of a pebble, and i would not my children taking cues from a dirtbag like him.
leeluvfashion leeluvfashion 9 years
Your children can sense that their parents aren't happy together and that can leave a scar on their mental state; the best thing would be to seperate and go for a divorce. It's easier to help kids heal their feeling of divorce with therapy than to have them suffer by having their parents stay together and by doing that it makes the children depressed and/or have anger towards their parents for putting them through that. You are doing the right thing by taking care of yourself by working out and treating yourself, however you can seperate and be okay. It's a tough decision however the right one.
murdock99tx murdock99tx 9 years
AMEN, hotstuff!!!!!!!!!! AMEN.
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
You BOTH are not living up to your responsibilities when it comes to your children. He's teaching your children its ok to treat your spouse like trash. Your teaching them to stay in a dysfuntional mentally abusive relationship. Your not doing your children any favors by staying. I wish more mothers would stop using the EXCUSE of 'oh I'm staying for the kids'. Your setting your kids up for a future of dysfunctional relationships and years of therapy if their lucky! Growing up in a household like this is pure hell for a child. Don't think that children aren't smart enough to know exactly what's going on. Will your children be upset that their parents are getting divorced, yes they will but you will be showing your children the example of the type of life they should lead as adults. Do you want to teach your kids that they can get out of a bad situation and still live a wonderful, loving, happy, and productive life? Or do you want to teach your children to stay in a bad abusive relationship no matter how bad things get? If you don't believe me just talk to women who grew up in homes like this. When this is your example its hard to lead a healthy productive adult relationship and good luck not having any emotional scars. Maybe you grew up in a similar situation and that's why your still there. Maybe he grew up watching his dad treat his mother like this. The point is that this is a cycle that needs to end. Trust that you can do this! Anyone going through this with children has every right to be afraid but your in a loveless hurtful relationship and you need to get out. Millions of women have found a way out before you. You can do it!!! The question here isn't whether he is going to live up to the responsibility of his children. The question is are you going to live up to the responsiblities of your children?
plasticapple plasticapple 9 years
He'll have to pay child support, there's not really a way around it these days. So don't worry about that, just get out! You and your kids will be much better off away from him. Trust me, I've been there too.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
I am just going to agree with everything lemassabielle said, since she put it so well. A lawyer can help you out with ensuring your husband lives up to his financial responsibilities, and if you are worried about emotional, fatherly responsibilities to his children (which you might not have been referring to) that is his choice and you shouldn't have to stay married to him to ensure that he fulfills those. Skip marriage counseling, but family counseling for you and your kids would not be a bad idea. They've done studies that have shown marriage counseling doesn't have the greatest success rates at preventing separation and divorce, so I don't think you should delay it if that is what you want.
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
He is trying to lower your self esteem to keep you around. It sounds like this marriage hit a dead end and you should turn around and find a new destination instead of staring at a sign that won't move. It doesn't sound like he put any effort into fixing the marriage and you have come to a healthy realization. Try to come up with a plan of action. If you have to move in with family until you can get back on your feet. Get into counseling with your children so they can understand why it didn't work out. Realize it's better to be from a broken home than living in one.
TheMissus TheMissus 9 years
Um... You are much more empowered than you think... Get a lawyer... If he refuses to live up to his commitment as a father to his children, have a lawyer help you ensure he lives up to his responsibility to them financially. Good for you for recognizing you deserve better and need to get out.
Sweet-as-Sugar Sweet-as-Sugar 9 years
Wow, I really identify with your situation. You're living my mother's life. Most amazing woman in the world but stuck with a man that she (and quite frankly, I) can't stand. She stayed out of my best interests when I was really young, now I'm 24 and she's still there. As the child quite frankly, I would've been happier with them apart. Your kids will want you to be happy to and if you aren't w/ your husband, one day they'll recognize that. Please please please, if you'd be happier without him - act on it. If you wait too long you may never. I wish you worlds of happiness and all the best - I hope you make the best decision for you and your children. :)
Meike Meike 9 years
He's an asshole. He cheated. He can't tell you to 'get over it'. There is no remorse in that. If he were a better man, he would be asking for you to forgive him and reassure he won't cheat again for as long as it takes. As for your children, depending on their age, it might be hard for them to accept the separation. However, it's much healthier for them to not see two fighting parents. If you're worried your husband won't be there for your children emotionally, don't be. He seems like a very bad example of a father, imo.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
No wonder you're depressed. You're living with someone who only cares about their feelings. Get out! You wont do yourself any favors by sticking around, especially with him. Get counseling. I wont suggest marriage counseling because that takes 2 people who care and respect each other, not just one that's willing to do the effort and the other who's willing to say, "get over it!" In the mean time, love yourself and work on yourself. Take care of your kiddies.
almost-famous almost-famous 9 years
You are letting this sad ass piece of sh*t take away your meaning of being an important woman. Men like this I hate and truly can't stand. I'm not going to sugar coated this one for one bit! ITS TIME TO GO... I'm sure your kids will understand if you left him. If they don't just go to family counseling...(just you and them). I'm sure this "man", will be understanding when it comes to his own feelings. If you stay with him sweetheart, you deserve all the things this inconsiderate BOY say to you! You're his punching bag and I don't think a (more than likely), beautiful woman should take it.
Marci Marci 9 years
I say get out. He's cheated more than once and then dismisses your feelings as stupid with a 'get over it'. You only have one life to live, and I think you deserve a better husband than the one you've got.
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