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You Asked: I Can Only Orgasm Alone

Dear Sugar,

I seem to have problems orgasming during foreplay or sex, especially when my significant other and I are being romantic. I can have an orgasm usually every day from masturbating, but have to put so much effort into having one when I'm with a guy. When he gets all romantic, it's even harder for me. I feel mushy and sweet instead of turned on. Any suggestions?

—Sexually Frustrated With My Man Marci

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Sexually Frustrated With My Man Marci,

When you are masturbating alone, you know exactly what to do. It sounds like your man is a little clueless when it comes to knowing how to please you sexually. I know it can be difficult and a little embarrassing to have to get into specifics about what you need, but it's the only way your man is ever going to know how to turn you on. I suggest that you tell him exactly what you like, where to touch you, and how to touch you — how fast, how slow, etc. You can also try showing him how to excite you, either by guiding his hand, or letting him watch you touch yourself.

If you don't think it has anything to do with his technique, then maybe you've got something on your mind, or you're stressed out, which is making you unable to fully let go. If that's not the case, maybe you need sex to be a little bit more about hot passion and less about tender romance. Keep the lines of communication open and hopefully you'll be able to work together so you're both sexually satisfied. I hope this helps.


rubyji rubyji 9 years
I don't agree with Dear but I agree with comment 15 above. This sounds psychological, not physical. The letter talked about feeling mushy, NOT SEXY. What would make you feel sexy? What do you think of when masturbating? You might have to ask your partner to say or do things that would make the experience FEEL more sexy or stimulating for you. It doesn't have to be role playing, it could just be a sort of language, or maybe not doing something that turns you off.
chakra_healer chakra_healer 9 years
Relaxing is the key. Once you are relaxed, experimenting to find the right combo of activity is easy. But, I have a few tips :) Start more erotic than romantic. Perhaps you need a buildup? A little kissing, groping, and dirty talk a few hours before you actually see each other or while out to dinner? Have sex somewhere other than the bed. You can take control by being on top... reverse cowgirl is usually a winner. This is going to sound so stupid, haha... but have you tried making noise? I found that sound puts me in the right frame of mind more than anything else. Try an odd "Ahhhhh" or "Mmmm" sound while you're having sex and encourage him to talk to you, tell you what he's feeling, make him moan, etc. and see if it adds a new element of pleasure to your lovemaking. Another thing to try with intercourse, is squeezing. When you're having sex, throw in a few kegels... I like to give him one each time on the out movement or sometimes a long squeeze while during and it gets us both off quickly. There are so many things to try and a lot of books available with extensive advice. I recommend "The guide to getting it on" and since masturbation works for you, maybe a little betty dodson (or dobson?), she wrote "Sex for one" and a follow up book "Sex for two". Good luck!
Princess-Rebecca Princess-Rebecca 9 years
I have the same problem.. But i'm quite sure it is his technique chich "fails"... But I dunno it's so weird to say like "Honey, like that not like this.. " I've tried subtily but I don't think he gets the hints. I'll tryo to make some work of it
telewyo telewyo 9 years
I was thinking the same thing as ashcwebb...that photo is a little creepy because the girl looks really young!
TFS TFS 9 years
ive never had a orgasm during sex, and ive had about 30 sexual partners. masterbating is fine, i can have multipul orgasms no problem. i always thought something was wrong with me but ive fount that lots of women have this problem. i blame the guys, they only think about themselves when it comes to sex.
clareberrys clareberrys 9 years
for a while i could only cum with a vibrator, then i learned how to do it with just my fingers, and now after practice my boyfriend gives me amazing orgasms! he might just need a little coaching! tell him where you like it, how fast, how hard, etc and just play around and it will happen....but just be in the moment and enjoy the pleasure that you are receiving because if you focus too much on having an orgasm it's not going to happen.....oh and one other thing - do you have any fantasies? if you do, try to imagine those fantasies while he is performing and it will get you more revved up! don't forget to have fun and don't be too serious
TidalWave TidalWave 9 years
what if he uses his hand or a vibrator on you? then it'll be the same stimulation as though you were masturbating. also, what if instead of him telling you something romantic, he talks more 'dirty'.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
maybe your should masturbate while he he into that? do YOU first and then HIM.
alltherage alltherage 9 years
wow i have this same issue. i did have sex very late and so far only with two partners. i was in a long termer and NEVER o'd. after it my good friend went with me to get a bunny and it was AMAZING. I am about to start weening myself off. but i stilldont get off with a guy.... hmmm
Lovely_1 Lovely_1 9 years
Ummm is it just me or does that girl in the picture look like she is 12???
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
Explore and try new things . . .what is it that makes you orgasm when you masterbate??? is it the penetration, stimulation of the clit?? think about it, and work it out with your guy . . .use some toys with him . ..
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
It takes a WHILE-- trust me and be patient! Make sure you are 100% comfortable with him. Try to relax as much as possible. I also agree with the above about "re-training" yourself-- so much of sex for us ladies who masturbated (and especially those who started having sex very late!) is re-learning sensations. It feels different for a little while, yes. But really try to relax into it and don't get upset when you can't come. One day it will happen. It probably took me YEARS, though, and a few different long term partners. It's not easy but it will be easier if you can let go of some of your habits and hangups.
plasticapple plasticapple 9 years
You also need to relax! If you're trying too hard it won't happen.
foudini foudini 9 years
Look at it this way: if you are only used to doing something one way, your mind will resist any change to the formula. This is true of almost anything in life. Generally speaking, people probably masturbate the same way most of the time, such as in the same position or with the same technique or tools. So the idea is to slowly move away from the "comfort level" and get your mind comfortable with orgasming in different ways. Your body also has to be comfortable because a new position means different angles and muscles are being used. To that end, you can try masturbating on your own in new positions and tempos until things "feel right." :-) Change is always awkward so it might not happen right away. You can also use your regular techniques then switch right before you orgasm to a new one so your mind and body connect the two. If talking to your boyfriend is disconcerting, absolutely use his hands or whatever else and pretend they are yours. LOL, I think I thought about this answer too much! Whatever you choose to do or with whom, eventually things will click. Promise!
letsgetloud21 letsgetloud21 9 years
Maybe you are masturbating to much.Why are people so damn horny all the time..:ROTFL:
spiceG spiceG 9 years
i agree with Dear, you are going to have to school your man. the best way to ease into this is to 'help him' by helping yourself when you are with him. first show him how you like it, and the next time let him in on the pleasure. the first few times it is going to have to involve some communication. this may be a little awkward, but keep it sexy. soon he will know how you like it and the blissfulness will be unspoken.
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