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You Asked: I Can't Accept His Sexual Past

You Asked: I Can't Accept His Sexual Past

Dear Sugar,

I recently ended a very long relationship and marriage. My husband was my first and only sexual partner, and I was his. We started dating in high school and we lasted 16 years. I've started to get back out there again, but everyone I encounter has had much more of a past than me.

Having recently discovered the number of partners the guy I'm currently dating has had (over 30), I was shocked and crushed. How do I get over this and not have it affect my feelings for him? — Virginal Virginia

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Virginal Virginia,

Choosing to be with just one person was a decision that worked for you, but that's not to say it's the right choice for everyone. I understand that having 30 sexual partners is foreign and maybe a little scary to you, but it doesn't make the guy you're dating a bad person. You have to remember that you were in a committed relationship with someone for 16 years — think how differently your life would be if you were single all those years?

There are men out there who aren't as sexually experienced, so if that's a quality you desire in the person you date, this guy just might not be the one for you. With that said if you're willing to look beyond this number of his, ask him whatever questions or concerns you have about his past and hopefully he'll be able to curb your apprehensiveness.


Meike Meike 8 years
Everyone is within their right to be with someone whose moral standards match their own. If his sexual history is something you 100% know you won't be able to get over with, then you need to move on. Personally, my partner and I love that we each have had only one mate -- each other. We had a lot of learning to do together and it's what we value. Others value more partners to gain the sexual experience up and front when they do settle with the one they want to spend their lifetime with. If it's the fear of STDs, then have him go get check to erase that fear.
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
i guess i can understand the perspective that too many partners is a bad thing, but as long as the person was doing it safely and they are clean, i'm not sure that you should really have anything to worry about. i know that for some people they are a 'mate for life' type, and i think that it's commendable, but the number of people that someone's slept with doesn't make them any less of a person from an emotional or personality side.
gbychan gbychan 8 years
I understand how you feel, girl. I'm 28-year-old virgin. Men with sexual histories used to scare me too. But I soon realized that someone's past doesn't always reflect his current outlook. Find someone whose morals match with yours. Focus on whether or not this guy will be committed to you. Demand to see his medical records if you're concerned about STIs. And remember that you have every right to stay away from men who scare you...for any reason! :)
khadeekiinsz khadeekiinsz 8 years
She cares about how many woman he slept with. As I would too, I wouldn't want o be with a guy or girl who used to be a tramp. "Well i used to screw alot of guys, bcus i was young, but I don't now". Im sorry, its not a total deal breaker, but its something I'd keep in mind, and always be a little uncomfortable with.
BeachyAthlete BeachyAthlete 8 years
Why would you ever ask him how many sexual partners he's had? That's private and really, none of your business. As long as you've both been tested for STDs and are safe, what matters is how he makes you feel and how you feel about him. I have been dating my boyfriend for three years. He's 40 years old and has had plenty of sexual partners before me I'm sure -- but I don't want to know and I'm not going to ask because IT DOESN'T MATTER! He's also never asked me! It's rude and awkward! If I asked him, he would probably be offended because as I mentioned before, it's none of your business! I can understand being curious, but don't go there. Because now you're juding him when you really liked him before you found that out, right??
karlotta karlotta 8 years
I just think you're being judgmental. I had a flurry of lovers (more than your new guy) and my boyfriend's only been with 3 women. So what? I was young, I experimented, I acted trampy when I was 18, and all that's in my past. I'm a good girl who loves my BF and would never cheat on him. I don't like thinking about the other 2 women just as much as he doesn't like thinking about the other guys before him - I don't think the amount of them changes anything to that. Not everyone can show up after a divorce in her thirties and proudly announce she's only had one lover. Maybe he spent a lot of time searching for the right girl. Maybe he was a slut for a while. Who cares?
cfp cfp 8 years
If it's just about being nervous about experience, then I think it's worth talking to him about and trying to move past it...but I'm kind of bothered if you're upset that someone has had a lot of sexual partners as a "moral" issue. Just because someone was with many partners in the past does not necessarily make him a bad person today, just like someone who has had very few partners is not necessarily a good person today. Obviously if you started dating him before you knew his sexual history it must be because you liked him for other reasons, why does the number of women he was with have to change that? I just don't think you should judge someone if he is genuinely a good person based solely upon decisions he made in the past.
graylen graylen 8 years
I totally understand where you are coming from. However, for me, none of the replies quite hit the nail on the head about how I felt. I am a virgin (waiting for marriage) and my SO had SO many partners I couldn't believe it. He was a bit of a man-w*ore in college ;) I had a hard time knowing that THAT MANY WOMEN had shared that much intimacy with my boyfriend. And, not to be graphic, that his junk had been inside a heck of a lot of people. I just have too good of an imagination and it bothered me. However, he respects my sexual decisions so fully- which really helped me to get over it. Here was someone who'd slept with so many people willing to put that on hold because he thought I was worth it. I eventually got over it, but it just took time and understanding (and a clean blood test!) on my part.
khadeekiinsz khadeekiinsz 8 years
Wow, first of all I must say that 16 years is a long time. I have to commend you for that. 30 partners is a lot to me too. I happen to think its kinda gross, if you really think about it. I don't take sex as a small thing you do with just any ol one. If you think that this guy is just too much. I totally agree, don't lower your standards. It doesn't make him a bad person, but I remember learning about STD's and such, and they said when you have sex, you have sex with every single person your partner had sex with. Not literally, but figuratively speaking, thats' a lot of sex. So anyways you don't have to accept it if you dont want to.
livline livline 8 years
Everyone here is making SO much sense! I agree that if it's a moral issue, then you'll have to double-check your self. But if you are just worried that you are inexperienced because you were with just one guy, then I bet too if this guy is totally into JUST you, he'll be more excited at the fact that you are 'naive' about much that he can 'teach' you. I think the best lovers are the ones who get more pleasure out of pleasuring their lover... Well, in my humble opinion.
Sweetytart Sweetytart 8 years
I also agree with what Dear said. I am currently dating a guy who has had a lot more sexual partners than I have and I was very taken aback when I found out the number. However, I was already in love with in when I found out so I decided that I had to move past it. If its a deal breaker for you than don't feel bad about moving on, it's not worth putting your morals aside for.
brielleblonde brielleblonde 8 years
Although he has had 30 partners, he's prolly has had much less sex then you. I have friends in relationships and i have friends that are single and i know for a fact that the people in relationships have much more sex then the people who are single. although the single people have more partners (duh), so i wouldn't be worried that he's had people in the past. he's with you now. if he wanted the girls from the past wouldn't he still be dating them?
myystque myystque 8 years
I agree with Dear. And if you can't get over his past, there's definitely guys out there who haven't had that many partners.
GScott86 GScott86 8 years
Find what's right for you. If you're not comfortable with this, find someone else you are comfortable with. Just be fortunate he was honest with you right? (Not to mean it in a bad way)
kiwitwist kiwitwist 8 years
I agree with Dear... and I completely understand the posters concerns. If she cannot get passed it then she must move on. :-D
jazzytummy jazzytummy 8 years
I wonder if she is just concerned because she doesn't have the experience that he has, and she is nervous about how she will be sexually with someone who has been with so many people. I know I would feel this way if I had only been with one guy my entire life. It would be too bad if the OP didn't date a potentially good guy just because of her own insecurities. If it is a moral issue, different ball game of course. Just sayin'.
Kelliegrl Kelliegrl 8 years
I agree with Dear too. But she should ask herself if she's worried about diseases or if it's more of a moral issue. If it's diseases, ask him to get tested, and if it's a moral issue, she might want to think about dating someone with less experience.
candace87 candace87 8 years
I agree with Dear also. But to me, it wouldnt matter if it was 5 or 50, before I'm getting into that with anyone, they're getting every STD/other communicable disease test available:P and showing proof of a clean slate or completed treatment if necessary.
austerity austerity 8 years
Yes, Dear :)
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
Absolutely perfect answer, Dear!
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