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You Asked: I Can't Get Over His Infidelity

You Asked: I Can't Get Over His Infidelity

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend cheated on me several times with the same girl. I was six months pregnant at the time I found out. He would say he was working late or going out with the guys for a drink, and when he didn't come home he would tell me he was too drunk to drive and didn't want to wake me up. When I found out about this other woman, which is a friend of ours, I called her, and she told me that she didn't love him but that they were just having sex, which didn't make me feel any better. I confronted him, and he lied to me.

One night I decided to drive by her home and see if he was there. I went to the door and caught him in his lie. He ended it with her and told me he was sorry and that he wanted to make it work. I forgave him and things have been better. Now we have a beautiful daughter, but I can't seem to get over the pain he caused me. Every time we have sex all I think about is the other woman. I just can't trust him, and I'm not sure if I can be with him anymore. Should I try to make it work for our daughter, or move on with my life?

— Trying to Move On Melissa

To see Dear Sugar's answer


Dear Trying to Move On Melissa,

Wow, what a horrible situation to be put in. There's really no excuse for your boyfriend's behavior, and I can't say I blame you for not being able to trust him; he damaged your relationship at a very vulnerable time for you. It sounds like you've forgiven him, but you're having a hard time forgetting, which is very common when someone is unfaithful. Have you thought about couples counseling or just talking to him about the resentment you still feel?

I can't say whether or not you should leave him, but if you can't re-establish trust then it's unlikely you guys will be able to maintain a healthy relationship. From what you've written, it sounds like you don't want to be with him anymore. If that's the case then I don't think you should stay with him simply for your daughter's sake The fact is that your daughter can have a happy and healthy life even if you and your boyfriend are no longer together, but you may not be able to. Good luck to you.


hopefulkind hopefulkind 8 years
I am sharing your suffering. Ever feel like, nobody seems to understand? Everyone has their opinions - especially why you should leave. My husband cheeted on me, and the shock of discovering the the women and one coming to the house caused me to misscarry. Traumatised, irreal, and at my age of almost 45, all I know is I want my baby. I waited all these years, and deserve my child. Starting all over and hoping to have a baby. ... .. I still feel shell shocked. And I can not tell you how to remove these immages from your mind, because I live with them also. I can understand your ambivalence because I live something similar. And one does not just get on with life - easily. That is in the movies. In real life, it is more complicated, and if you are not super rich to have therapy 2x per week etc.. ... then, wake up world, reality is hard, and confusing ! So I empathise with you. I want the pictures, the questions in my mind, the pain to go away, and to simply have my relationship without the torture. I immagine it is possible, but I don't know if it is. Some people who say "it was just sex" have a real problem. That is the thing, it was sex, intercourse with another person, which is wrong outside the marriage. SEX which is Sacred, intimate, and in a couple relationship (married or not) when you have an understanding of fidelity - One on one, this physical relationship is the most importent, sacred, important special event, and the man should not put his p... anywhere else, and the woman should not either, - you have lived the results - breaking that is a violation, it is like a rape. Your ex friend needs a therapist. She could have sex just like that ? For an activity? (I shouldn't talk, my husband had sex durirng 2 years, and said, it is not important, it was an activity. No it is not acceptable that.) When you are in a comitment of fidelity, the sexual activity takes a different dimension, and for you who's also been cheeted on, you live the hellish suffering, even though you try to let go. You do your best to forget, to not think about it, to make it not important... But it is. And for you insane carrol tuttle lovers, you don't "choose" to dwell on the pain, because it serves you. (that witch is making billions telling people they are the problem.. ..!) Nobody seems to be there to help deal with the Today fact. You are still together due to your bleeifs perhaps? I am married, he's my husband, infidelity or not. I took the vowe of marriage for life, and fielity. ... And it is living a nightmare sometimes. It does not help to hear people ask why you are still with the idiot. I can't understand what I am doing with my husband. How can I still love him? He does not deserve me and I do deserve better, yet, I am still here ! So I undertand you. Either we'll get over it and it'll be just "sex" like a swinger thinks of that act, or we'll leave when we've found the real reason to leave, or the strength, or the ability to do that - if it is what we choose. I agree with some posts. Infidelity does not stop. He did it once and he will do it again, especially if he said it was just sex. I can not beleive my husband when he sais he will never cheet again. Liars lie, and they don't stop, and cheeters cheet. Maybe a few years he won't, but then ? I understadn you because as I write this, it is not enough for me to en the marriage. If the marriage ends, He has to spend the money and pay. I did not destroy the marriage, he did. And If I get pregnant, and he split, he will have to take his responsibility. Single parents raise great kids too. I have spoken with several struggling mothers and they all tell me that it is worth it, or it was worth it.... (only my married friends with kids say "you don't want to raise a child alone... it is not X it is Y .... !!! " So lets know - If we want to, if we end without this cheeter because we can't stop the movies in our mind. We are better than him ! And we will find someone who is better and who deserves us !
JessiShaye JessiShaye 9 years
i agree that the child will be happy if she has a happy mother but to automatically say that once a cheater always a cheater i don't think is true. i used to cheat. it was my way of keeping myself somewhat distant from my SO. i did end up finding someone though that i really cared about and would never cheat on him. never know. it is a decision though that needs to be made with your head and not your heart. your heart will keep you in this thing forever and you have to think of what's best for you and your new baby. be rational and be honest with yourself.
goesmyheart goesmyheart 9 years
you need to get out of this relationship. everyone keeps saying you need to give it your best shot for this child? well why doesn't he have to? your boyfriend should at least have the decency of leaving you before he cheats on you. get over the loser and respect yourself because no one else will.
ESPNgirl ESPNgirl 9 years
I am really sad for you - this is unimaginable, as so many have said before me... the fact that you had to catch him in a lie in order for him to confess after you talked to the friend, got details, and then confronted him already tells you enough about the level of respect he has for you - it's barely there, if at all. You (and your daughter) deserve a better life than that. If you still have doubts and don't want to walk away, I would at least suggest living apart from him for awhile (It sounds like you live together? I could be wrong). I would pack up and get your own place - gain some independence from the situation. It probably would be best if you turn off all physical connections for awhile and work on building up that trust again. See how he chooses to treat you then - if he really wants things to work in a relationship setting, then he'll get his act together - but right now he has you in every which way. He needs to see if he's lost something, and honestly, I think you need to see if you're losing something too - it won't be easy at first, but hopefully you'll realize you aren't losing much of anything and you're better off as co-parenting / w/o him. Trust is a hard thing to gain back - and although this relationship may be important to you w/ him, ultimately, you have to start building that relationship with your child (and potentialy him and his child). Good luck! *Hugs*
Minou Minou 9 years
I'd never forgive cheating in the first place, no matter how I still love him. I'm very sorry about the situation, but if you have enough conditions, leave him and raise the daughter alone. Of course he could visit her as a parent if he wants, but make sure to set the boundaries. And never once again forgive cheating (I know somebody could, but it means they have to completely get over it). I myself cannot do it and many people out there can't either. You deserve someone who RESPECTS you, and whom you can TRUST.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
Also from what we have all learned from many different people high up and the down and dirty.....being a husband doesn't keep his Sh*t in his pants. BUT it makes it easier/Cheaper to walk away from his A**
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
Sass317, There isn't much difference now days between a husband and a boyfriend. OR rather MY BF isn't much different than being my husband. We've been together for 11 years and have 2 children. Also I don't think she was asking for your opinion on who she should have children with OR whether or not she should seek birth control.
mondaymoos mondaymoos 9 years
Leave him before he becomes the husband that cheated on you. I can say that because you are a past version of me... When we got together, he was seperated from his ex wife. They finally divorced, we moved in together a few months later... things started to get questionable... and sure enough, he was sleeping with her again. I didn't talk to him for 8 months. For some far out reason, we ended up back together... 1 year later... same old stuff... and the bewildering part?? I took him back AGAIN... and MARRIED him... what was I thinking??? After a two year marriage that included physical and emotional abuse on top of the cheating, I finally left him. Even now, I still think about all the times when it WAS good and wonderful... but with time, I'm getting better... Let the man go. He's going to keep switching back and forth between the two of you because he's not happy no matter what he has. Don't let YOUR happiness suffer because of it.
petite42 petite42 9 years
Oops, left out one crucial thing he needs to do for you: 6) fully, honestly, truly understands and acknowledges the pain he has put you through. Does he recognize how awful this was on you? Does he understand that you may take awhile to process and move past it? Does he sincerely regret his actions? Does it pain him to see how much pain he's put you through over this? If he's in any way dismissive about it, then you may just want to cut your losses now and move on to building the co-parenting relationship instead.
petite42 petite42 9 years
I guess I differ on this. I think when you bring a child into the world, you owe it to that child to give it your absolute best shot to make the relationship work. If it's only been 6 months, that is not long enough. I would recommend you hang in there awhile longer - but DO use birth control and DON'T get pregnant again! If you find you can't make the marriage work, then continue to work on the co-parenting relationship. Either way, you see, you need to make the relationship work *somehow* - whether as a marriage or as a co-parenting relationship. As for his cheating, does it help to know that the most common times for affairs are as follows: 1) before marriage; 2) birth of a child; 3) death of a loved one; 4) loss of a job; 5) cross-country move; 6) retirement. What do all of these have in common? It's when your relationship is naturally becoming more intimate, because you are becoming more dependent on each other. As for moving on from the affair, if he has done the following and continues to do them, in another 6 months to a year, you may find that you are in a better place: 1) cut all contact with this woman; 2) tells you where he is at all times; 3) is a complete open book to you - gives you access to his email and cell phone messages, etc - no secrets; 4) answers every question you have about the affair without getting defensive; 5) understands that you will need time to heal this and get past it, and doesn't react defensively when you bring it up again and again. If he is doing all those things, then there is reason to have hope for the future of your marriage.
getstinko getstinko 9 years
Staying together isn't the answer. Leave this fool, try to find happiness and show your daughter what it's like to be strong and alive. He deserves no forgiveness and you need to find your strength so your daughter doesn't grow up in a house with "false" love, watching you suffer.
Advah Advah 9 years
Allourregrets and Marci make excellent points. Don't try to make it work for your daughter only; she'll be way happier if her parents are happy even if not together, than if they have a relationship that 'works' but is not based on love and mutual respect. I don't think anyone can tell you whether you should stay or leave since we don't know you or your bf. But for your and your daughter's sake, don't stay in this relationship the way it is. If you still love him, there's nothing wrong with going to couple counselling and see if you can manage to forgive him - and if his attitude towards you changes. But if you're staying with him only out of duty, just move on with your life. You deserve to be happy, and chances that that'll make both your daughter and your bf happier too (for instance if he stayed with you 'only' because you were pregnant at the time). Good luck. :)
Bookish Bookish 9 years
You are much, much better off without this man. He is not the type of man you want your daughter growing up looking up to, and you deserve to be happy- not anxious that he's going to do it again, or that he already is doing it. He's proven himself to be unworthy of your trust- and unworthy of you. You can do so much better for yourself!
kiwitwist kiwitwist 9 years
I say move on and be happy with your daughter. He can still be in her life but you do not need to be with him. You want to raise your child in a healthy, happy household.
sass317 sass317 9 years
Look at it this way, what would you tell your daughter to do if she was in this situation? Would you want her to stay "for the baby's sake" with a guy that had no respect for her or their child? Wouldnt you want her to have more confidance and self respect than that? Well she isnt going to learn either of those things from you in the situation you are in right now. And get on some birth control, dont have any more kids with boyfriends.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
If you have to ask someone else if they think you should stay and you can't find enough reasons on your own, then you should leave. You probably feel like you will never be able to be happy without him, but you will probably be MUCH happier. Stick around for what? To torture yourself every time he leaves the house or is on a phone call and you don't know who it is? It's not worth it. You being stressed and feeling depressed isn't going to make it easy for you or your daughter. Plus you never know what will happen down the line. Was he cheating because you were pregnant? What if you stay and then have another child with him? Will he do it again? And if he does, you will hate youself for staying and not leaving when you had the chance to now and save youself future heartache. But that's just how I feel. I hate men that have no respect for their wives/GF. It just sickens me.
karlotta karlotta 9 years
Who is this douche? My God, I'm so sorry for you. Now hold your head up high and leave that undignified, dishonest, disgusting asswipe - he doesn't deserve an inch of you, and I hope you often look in the mirror and think how beautiful and smart and strong you are, and how he's just a friggin' maggot. Don't let him touch you anymore - it's too sad! He is one of mankind's mistakes. Please trample him good with contempt when you're passing the door. He cheated on his pregnant wife - he deserves to spend the rest of his life KNOWING HE LOST THE AMAZING YOU BECAUSE HE WASN'T WORTH A SECOND MORE OF YOUR ATTENTION. We're all with you. Good luck - stay strong. Get the hell out. You will be so happy you did, and so will your daughter!
Sad to say, probably sadder to hear. If you can't truly forgive and forget his cheating, you need to dump him. If he can cheat on you when you're 6 months pregnant and extremely vulnerable, he's soooo untrustworthy. It won't do you or your child any good to stick around when you have this eating at you constantly. That doesn't make for a happy home... BTW, it's completely ok to forgive and forget and work it out. But, it requires a lot of effort on your part to be able to do so. Also, I hope you ditched the other woman as a friend. It just sucks when "friends" show their true colors, doesn't it? This case is rather unique in the fact that he had a continuous affair with someone you considered a friend. That means, it will be extremely difficult for you to ever trust him around your friends again.
atablackbelt atablackbelt 9 years
I agree with Asia on this one...I had a boyfriend who cheated with his babymomma and I forgave him and we moved beyond it all for me to find out six months later he was doing it again....i used to not want to generalize by saying once a cheater always a cheater....but really once a cheater always a cheater....get out now while ur daughter is too young to see u in a dysfunctional relationship
kaenai kaenai 9 years
You owe it to baby girl to get the hell out. Now. whether he's still cheating or not (and I happen to agree with Asia that he probably is), the fact that you haven't gotten over it, and that you still don't trust him is reason enough. There needs to be trust to build a relationship, and you obviously don't have that.
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 9 years
avettafawna avettafawna 9 years
So, let me get this straight...You confronted both of them, and after she admitted to the affair she continued to see your boyfriend? And after he lied about the affair, he continued seeing the other woman? So basically, they both continued to carry on the affair while they knew you knew about it, blatently disregarding your feelings, while you were six months pregnant? Neither of these people seem to have even the slightest amount of respect for your or your feelings. Don't you think that if he was really sorry he would've ended it when you first confronted him, instead of lying to your face and continuing to see her? I'm sorry for being so cynical, but it sounds to me like he is more sorry about getting caught than for hurting/disrespecting/humiliating you.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
You can't make it work for your daughter, you have to make it work for you and lets face it, you're relationship is broken. It takes two and you already know what he was doing(and who). And i don't believe that he stopped seeing her just because you caught him. He betrayed you in the worse way and only wanted to "work it out" once you confronted him. I also suggest you get checked, if you haven't already.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
NEWSFLASH!!!! HE'S STILL CHEATING! i'm sorry, cheating in my book is unforgivable. it's one thing if he hooked up with some dizzy broad at the club. (which is STILL grounds for bustin' heads) but he was cheating on you continuously with THE SAME GIRL, who happens to be a mutual "FRIEND". and homegirl had the nerve to make it all hunky-dory with the "it's just sex" like it's all gravy!!!! AND you were pregnant with this m*tha-f*cker's baby!!!! you are SOOO much better than me girl, because i can almost guarantee you that i would've gave birth to that baby in a maximum security prision! you have every right to feel the way that you do. but i'm gonna keep it reall with ya. he's probably still hooking up with her. they have already established lies and code words. when people have affairs, it's not over that simply. especially when they knew each other PRIOR to the sexual relationship. like right now; you're waiting on him to get home from work? he'll get home about an hour or 2 late, due to traffic. but guess what and hour is just long enough to pump homegirl, and leave. i say 2 hours if she begs him to stay. and you know it's true, because you have already caught him in these lies. look, now you have a daughter, and i don't think this will be the last of your man cheating. and with you being the forgiving, understanding baby-mama (that's another problem), you're gonna send the message to your baby-girl that she should allow men to do as they please and she should just get over it. THAT makes me angry. don't use your baby as an excuse for taking abuse. and even if he isn't screwin' homegirl anymore, your insecurities (understandably so) will only drive him away and have an excuse to cheat again. with no trust, there is NO relationship. so you know where this is going . . .
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