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You Asked: I Can't Trust Him

You Asked: I Can't Trust Him

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my boyfriend for about six years now, five of which have been spent living together. For the past year, we have been staying in different cities due to work, although we'll be getting married in a couple of months. He really loves me, and we have never had any problems regarding another woman previously; however, when I went to visit him recently, I found out he was lying to me about a girl. I found two ticket stubs for two movies that he said he'd gone to by himself. When I pressed he confessed that he'd taken a girl from his office. He lied because he didn't want to hurt me or have me overreact, since they're just friends.

As it turns out she no longer works with him. But I asked him to introduce me to her, since they were friends. He wouldn't so I asked him to cut ties with her because it was causing me anxiety. Now he says he's not in touch with her anymore, and still loves me very much. However, since I'm in a different city, I can't be sure. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but concerns like this coming up right before our wedding really worry me. What do I do? Should I be worried?

— Mistrustful Melissa

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Mistrustful Melissa,

There's nothing wrong with your fiancé befriending someone at the office, and many people enjoy friendships with the opposite sex even when they're in a healthy relationship. The problem is that he lied to you about it, and now you're unable to trust the man that you're about to commit to for a lifetime. If he was so concerned about hurting you, he should have asked you whether you were OK with him going out with another woman.

But now that the damage is done, you guys have to learn to move past it if you want your relationship to work. That means that you need to decide whether or not you can let go of this incident. Otherwise, worries about trust are sure to plague you into married life. Talk to your fiancé. He can't change what he did, but he can make sure to be more open with you in the future. So take some time and determine if his reassurance is enough for you to forgive him, and if it is, then let it go. Either way, start communicating before the wedding, and not after.


Join The Conversation
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
Why would he lie about something if there was nothing to hide? That is my question. Lying always makes me suspicious. Don't marry this man until you know the truth! Postpone the wedding if you have to. If he was telling the truth, I see absolutely no reason for him to not let you meet her. Trust your instincts here, because from what you said, I think he is hiding something. I hope things work out, but please don't get married to someone that you cannot or do not trust.
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
i think that sometimes we withhold the truth when we know that it's going to hurt someone - and in this case i wonder if that's what he was doing. i know that i've been in this position where i thought that my going out with a male friend was harmless so i didn't share it with my fiance, since i knew that he was in a different state and it would just upset him. it was ONLY a friend thing and the guy that i went out with knew about my fiance, so it was truly harmless. i hope that you guys are able to kind of move past this. just talk about it - if you've been together for this long, then don't let this be a catalyst for things to come when it's really highly probable that it's unnecessary worry.
LoveSarah LoveSarah 8 years
Going to the movies always seems like a date thing to do. Lying about going with another girl makes it seem like it was a date to him. Not wanting the two of you to meet, even though he is just her "friend" makes it seem even more like a date. I think he is hiding something. Probably from the both of you.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
I have very neutral male friends who I will hang out with/go to lunch with/go to the movies with without there being any sexual undertones (at least not from me) and I will always tell my boyfriend about where I am going and who with. I would freak out if he did the same in return of course but that's because he generally doesn't socialise which would mean he would be making an exception. ;p Since he felt the need to lie and he won't introduce you to her then these are massive red flags. It's possible that he was just lonely and a bit of female companionship was what he needed whilst you are away. I'm not sure living in different cities is such a good idea if he NEEDS this connection with another woman (it's deeply psychological) and if you are OK with being apart. These are two fundemental differences in your make-up which may come to be a problem later on. Maybe you two need counselling?
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 8 years
- if what he was doing with this girl was completely innocent he would not feel compelleed to lie to the person he supposedly wants to spend the rest of his life with about it. He's making his girl out to be a fool in the eyes of the girl hes taking on movie dates.
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 8 years
Why are you with someone you don't trust? Its impossible to have a healthy, loving relationship without trust. You're wasting your time, and his. You deserve to be in a relationship with mutual trust. Move on.
LikeThoseShoes LikeThoseShoes 8 years
why wont he introduce you to her? that just throws up a red flag for me. if she is just a friend he has nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. 2 movies together... i dont know about most people here. but the only time i go to the movies anymore is when me and my bf feel like having a date night.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
Lying is a terrible sign. He'll do it again. Maybe I'm jaded because I dated someone who looked in my eyes and lied several times about cheating himself, but it's going to be nearly impossible to restore your trust given that it's long distance. I would seriously put marriage to this person on the back burner.
quitecontrary quitecontrary 8 years
He lied. Talk to him about it. Ask him to tell you the complete truth, ask yourself if you believe him. If you do- then let it go. Seriously. Marriage is already complicated, don't go into it with baggage. And mommaof2, I disagree. It IS possible- 2 of my best friends are men and my husband has no problem with it- but I don't lie about them. That's the key. ANY lies are poisonous.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
This is bad. Try to maintain your cool and ask him why he felt the need to lie to you.
macchiatolove macchiatolove 8 years
I would also be upset. It could well be a miscommunication, but I would discuss it with him without a doubt. I'm currently single and I MAY be going through a cynical patch, but in my experience, lying is a really bad sign. He might just be a fool, but why lie even if you WERE to get upset? in all honesty he shouldnt be doing things that he KNOWS will hurt you, and his lying seems to indicate he knew it would! I hope it gets sorted out!
Poster-of-a-Girl Poster-of-a-Girl 8 years
Jeeezus, don't do anything drastic here. People make mistakes. I'm sure he made many mistakes before this and I'm sure he will make many when you get married. I get the sense that things have probably been a little strained with the different cities thing so he didn't want you to freak out over what he felt was probably no big deal. I would have a serious talk. Make boundaries crystal clear. Forgive and not bring it up again. If it ever happens again, then you can throw a shitstorm.
HeidiMD HeidiMD 8 years
If you can't trust him, then you probably shouldn't marry him. Even if his intentions were innocent, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of doubt and suspicion. Neither you nor your fiance deserve to live like that.
mammaof2monsters mammaof2monsters 8 years
I'm Sorry But I don't believe men and Woman who are in a Committed relationship Can or should have Friends of the opposite sex. For just this reason. The Fact is He lied. Most likely Nothing happend. How Ever there was probably the thought on one of there minds. If I were you. I would Make a new ground rule. "No Single Friend's of the opposite Sex. For you or Him." Then Go on. You probably will Never Know one hundred percent what went on or there intention. It's best to forgive Not to forget and learn. You have put to much time into your relationship to throw it away over a might have. Just Make sure you and your boy friend Learn From this situation.
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
What bothers me is that he hid it. And lied. That hurts deeply. It's less about trust I think than it is about a broken bond between the two of you. He made you feel like the outsider and that's hard to forgive if you ever truly can. He needs to understand that he made you feel like the third wheel on a two-wheel bike and if he still doesn't see it as a problem. You may have to take a break to rethink how you want to spend your life. Babysitting his poor decisions or being single or with a man who knows how to treat a woman better.
babysoftpink babysoftpink 8 years
This does sound very suspicious. I won't do anything just as yet (or make major decision such as breaking it off etc) and probably will communicate with him about how you feel with regards to him lying to cover up his movie trip with her. After communication you can observe to see if this happens again, granted that you guys are at point of marriage. If it happens again after you guys clearly communicate of your expectations of him and etc, then I would definitely not be able to trust a guy like this again, let alone sharing the rest of my life with him.
MissJules5x MissJules5x 8 years
yeahhh i wouldn't be able to deal with that. for me... lying is just as bad as cheating. the fact that he lied about going alone then lied about her just being a friend then hiding her from you so you wouldn't meet her is all kinds of shady in my book. idk if he was lonely because you were in different cities and he went out with her once or just that time or even if there were other people he did similar things with. idk him or the entire story but this smells foul. i wouldn't buy his bs. he lied to you. plain and simple.
Sugasuga12 Sugasuga12 8 years
oh man that sucks. Well true if he didnt want to hurt your feelings he would have told you about it so if you did find out you wouldnt think the worst. If he didnt want to introduce you to her well maybe he is still seeing her just because they do not work together does not mean that they have to stop seeing each other if you have access to his phone account check his calls and well call that girl and ask her yourself since he is lying to you.
Kelliegrl Kelliegrl 8 years
well, he lied about it, so that she be an indicator...I agree with Dear Sugar though, if he cared about hurting you, he should have said, "Hey, mind if I go with so and so."
bluesteyes bluesteyes 8 years
And to be going to the cinema with a co worker-boy, It's something I wouldn't do myself. And If I did, I would tell. I don't see the point in lying. It's not appropriate to be going to a cinema with a girl when your girlfriend is in another city. And to lie about it, it is wrong. He is so very wrong.
bluesteyes bluesteyes 8 years
Oh boy! It sounds very troubling. I wouldn't trust what he says at all. i would make a surprise visit myself and see how it goes. This doesn't look good.
cravinsugar cravinsugar 8 years
Yikes. Luckily, my fiance willc ommunicate things to me even when he KNOWS i will over react (e.g. "Honey, how would you feel ifI were to be roomates with Mallory?" lol). I say def talk to him. Hopefully it was just a communication thing with him, but I have also learned that in instances like this, you should go with your gut. If your gut tells you this is a warning sign...heed it. IF not, continue on into wedded bliss!
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