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You Asked: I "Cheated" But Does It Count?

You Asked: I "Cheated" But Does It Count?

Dear Sugar,
My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for about a year. All the times we were on breaks or broke up it was because of jealousy. The second month into our relationship I was in another state visiting my best friend. We went clubbing and I danced with one of her guy friends the whole night. He asked if I had a boyfriend and I said no (stupid I know but things were on rocky ground) and he leaned in to kiss me. The night is such a blur and I can't remember if I kissed back but I decided not to tell my boyfriend. He's so jealous and even me dancing with another guy would set him off enough to break up with me. The problem is I still think of this night all the time and I am completely guilt ridden. My question is it was so early on in the relationship so did it even count as cheating? — Kissing Bandit Kassie

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Kissing Bandit Kassie,

To answer your question, yes, your kiss was cheating, and I have a feeling your boyfriend would agree with me. Now, with that said, it sounds like telling your boyfriend about this drunken kiss that happened almost a year ago could lead to a breakup. If you had written me right after it happened, I would tell you to be honest with him ASAP, and although I'm not one to advocate lying, in this situation I would advise not to tell him, as long as that kiss was a onetime mistake. Since jealousy is the main point of contention for you both, what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

At the end of the day, if you're not going to be able to get the kiss out of your head, I would own up to your mistake, but if this bit of advice helps you have a little more peace of mind, I would try to just put it behind you and work on making your relationship stronger for the future. Good luck to you.


pixelsugar pixelsugar 9 years
If you both knew you were together, then cheating is cheating my dear, even if you were in a rocky patch. Try to look at it from his point of view. Imagine he was the one who kissed another girl, how would you feel about that?
Lulu1981 Lulu1981 9 years
I don't think it's really that big of deal. It takes several monthes of dating before you are serious, so you weren't really serious at that point. I can understand how you would feel guilty - I've done this before, but the guy I was seeing wasn't really my boyfriend yet. We were just getting to know each other. I would say forget about it.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
The first year into our relationship my boyfriend DID kind of kiss another girl (long story) and he felt so bad about it, he told me a week later. I was a little angry for a couple of weeks, but glad he told me. Four years later, I really trust him now, simply from the reaction he had when he told me. I know he knows he can tell me things now because it was something we got through just fine, and if it happened again (hopefully not, but things happen) we'd figure it out. It does not sound like you are in that sort of relationship at all.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years were in the second month of a rocky relationship, and you have been dating on and off for a year, often breaking up because of jealousy. This is an awful relationship, not worth it at all, don't worry about whether or not you cheated, just get out. If things stabilize in this relationship, don't bother telling him, it's not going to change or help anything. If my bf kissed another girl two months into our year long relationship, and he thought it was a huge mistake and he never has done anything like that since then, I would definitely NOT want to know, what would be the point? Honestly, when you're in a relationship, you aren't going for a "good month" or a "good week," but a "good year" with a few fights here and there.
tinyspark tinyspark 9 years
Listen sweetheart, if it's bothering you that much that you have to write a letter about it, you already know the answer. And who is the jealous one in the relationship that keeps causing the aforementioned breakups? I'm guessing that it's you.
Let's not be too naive with "just dancing." Everyone knows that the way people dance these days is rather similar to having sex on a dance floor. I'd be pissed if my man was dancing with another female, because dancing these days is closer to having sex than laying next to someone in a bed!
Ok, let's take a look at the basic facts. You feel guilty, and your guy would be pissed. It is cheating! If you think your guy is too jealous, don't be with him. At the same time though, you cheated, so he's jealous for a reason.
mlmoreno47 mlmoreno47 9 years
Don't tell him, all it will do is hurt his feelings. It happened so long ago that it doesn't even matter anymore. Try to put it behind you! Good luck! :)
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
You guys are extremely touch and go and just looking for any excuse to break up so what are you still doing together? You gotta know when to let go. If you're continually breaking up, have enough respect and get out for good.
JessBear JessBear 9 years
I think Dear missed pointing out that this guy has some classic warning signs of an abuser. He's so jealous he'll break up with her over dancing with a guy! It sounds like he's controlling and she's scared. It seems like the bigger issue isn't whether or not she cheated, but that it's been a year and she's still obssessing over it. She should have told him or made peace with it by now, but she hasn't, and I think that has to do with this guy's controlling personality.
0danielle0 0danielle0 9 years
It obviously felt like cheating to you, so that means it probably was. That's not to say you should tell him or anything. Do what you need to do to move past it, and don't do it again! :)
TheMissus TheMissus 9 years
I COMPLETELY DISAGREE with Indigo4320... It was NOT cheating. It was just a kiss. A kiss at the start of a rocky relationship. Tell me though, why do you want to be this guy if it is a rocky relationship and he is overly jealous?
jenintx jenintx 9 years
yeah, i think the 'iffy' kiss is the least of your problems. a little bit of jealousy is healthy; to the point of freaking out over dancing with someone else is absurd. imho, you should spend less time worrying about that kiss and more time worrying about a lifetime coping with such extreme jealousy.
michelleannette michelleannette 9 years
i don't think you need to tell him. yes you did "cheat" but it was over a year ago...and in the VERY beginning of your relationship. i think the bigger issue is your relationship. you've been on and off for year? why would you break up and get back together multiple times? there are obviously some real issues here that you need to address. you two need to get to the root of the jealousy issues, not add to them.
chancleta chancleta 9 years
hum it was wrong you're sorry about it don't do it again and don't tell your man
kissmesteph kissmesteph 9 years
I wouldn't tell him - the relationship was still really new. And honestly, if you're boyfriend is that jealous that he would break up with you for dancing with another guy, he doesn't sound like much of a catch.
sass317 sass317 9 years
You said that if he even knew that you had DANCED with another guy that he would be furious and break up with you- why do you want to be with someone like that? Your setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery staying with someone who is so jealous and insecure.
maggieg86 maggieg86 9 years
I agree that the issue is not whether you "cheated" or not (I say not, or at least, not relevant any more), the issue is that he would be jealous even if he knew you just danced with someone. Not sure how old you are, but my first relationship was just like this. I spent all my time suppressing all the life in me (not talking to guys, not being friendly, etc) just so my bf wouldn't get upset or threatened, and hid innocent things from him for the same reason. Not healthy, not worth it! What it taught me is that I never wanted to be in that kind of relationship again! Get out and find someone more together and more secure, someone who LOVES the fact that other guys want you, but that he has you!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
I think you remember perfectly well that you kissed him and are just trying to make excuses! But just get over it already and put it out of your mind. What's done is done. This is like the other cheating post recently where I wonder why the relationship is still going because it sounds so unhealthy!
WhatTheFrockBlog WhatTheFrockBlog 9 years
I don't know. Had you guys even claimed "exclusivity" two months into your relationship? Well, whether or not it's cheating, I still don't think you need to tell him. I mean, honesty IS the best policy and all, but by confessing, all you'll do is upset him. If you're sure that this was a one time thing with this guy, I'd let it go.
1QTPIE 1QTPIE 9 years
I doubt that you really need to tell him. Just seriously think about being with someone so jealous. They usually take a turn for the worse. So rather then saying anything get over that night or call your friend and ask if kissed the guy just to ease your mind. If you didn't then hey... if you did then get over it and move on. It was a rocky start you said anyways so how do you know he didn't kiss someone on one of the "breaks." If it's only gonna bring problems to your already somewhat questionable relationship just leave it alone. Now if you do want to tell him just try and put it in the nicest way you possibly can... (i can't really thing of a nice way) but lay it on him easy. Just so he won't try to get out of control with you. Being his jealousy level is high.... Good luck on your decision.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
Don't tell him. Put it out of your mind and stop feeling guilty. Then, leave this unhealthy relationship.
ur_momm ur_momm 9 years
I don't think you need to tell him. it's not gonna make him happy and it wont make you feel any better about it, you will probably end up feeling MORE guilty... my advice... dont tell him, but you might want to evaluate your relationship and figure out if you can be with someone for the rest of your life who is so jealous. or try to get him to change that.
Berlin Berlin 9 years
Uh maybe it is just me but HELLO you were in your second month of a rocky relationship? Hell no it isn't cheating! If you are having trouble that early on it is a good sign that it isn't going to work, and seldom are relationships so committed that early on anyways, you are still in dating mode really and getting to know the person. A drunken kiss that you don't even know if it happened or not does not mean that you cheated, sorry Dear! And if you are breaking up so much because of jealousy, I'd say just let the relationship fizzle out, especially if you are becoming obsessed with what may or not have happened a year ago. It's too long ago to let it come up, and the reason you are thinking and fearing it is because of how he'll react...which sounds like a dangerous situation anyways. I say this b/c I used to be in that type but I was with the guy for 3 years and it turned violent towards the end. Jealously that is that bad is like a disease, it only gets worse with time. You should be able to dance with other men and he not get raged...if you have to hide things from him or are doing it in a sexual manner, then that's a different story and will lead to worse times ahead, but there's nothing wrong with dancing with another guy and vice versa when you are in a relationship that is secure. Jealousy is based on insecurity and control....get out now.
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 9 years
Being drunk is not an excuse to kiss other guys. It is still cheating even if you were under the influence. My honest opinion is you do need to tell him. It is obvious your relationship isn't a healthy one. Jealousy is a hard emotion to control...especially if one of you has given a reason to be so jealous. If you think you can work through the jealousy and start trusting each other then by all means try that, but it sounds to be like you two are on a dead end path until your jealousy issues are solved. Best of luck to ya.
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