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You Asked: I Despise My Boyfriend's Mother!

You Asked: I Despise My Boyfriend's Mother!

Dear Sugar,

I literally cannot stand my boyfriend's mother. She's a loud, flashy, selfish, ignorant, stuck-up princess, and to top it all off, he's a bona fide Mama's Boy. He lives with his parents (at age 29!) because she still does everything for him, including doing his laundry, folding it, and delivering it to his room — she even makes his bed! She makes me feel completely alienated because I didn't grow up the same way they did. She only values people with money and people who will gossip with her and feed her ego. She doesn't listen when other people talk, but my boyfriend thinks she's a great mother and a wonderful person. I love him, but how can I be with him if I despise his mother? We've been together for a year now and things are just getting worse, in fact I hate her more every time I see her. Is this something we can get past or do I need to sever this relationship? — Second Fiddle Sadie

To see DearSugar's answer


Dear Second Fiddle Sadie,

This sounds like a really miserable situation but I'm sorry to say that you're stuck with this woman as long as you continue to date your boyfriend. The fact that they live together does make things worse, so does he plan to move out anytime soon? Could you limit the amount of time you spend there in order to avoid contact with her?

Biting your tongue and killing her with kindness is the best advice I can offer you. Since it's not likely that she'll change, you're going to have to come up with a plan B. Try to find a way to connect with her — do you have any of the same interests or hobbies? Though you have different relationships, it's clear that you both love the same man so if you want to continue dating him, you're going to have to find a way to make peace with his mom. You don't have to be her best friend, but try to be a little more accepting even though you don't agree with her disposition. You're both grown adults so once she sees your effort, hopefully she'll follow suit. This probably isn't something you can just get past. If all else fails and you just can't make it work, you're going to have to ask yourself what matters most — your relationship or your strong dislike for his mom.


Join The Conversation
sadwrigleatode sadwrigleatode 8 years
TINA_MARIE i agree with yiou. some bfs mums are like that- tell you how you should raise your kids etc. ive seen my bfs mother in action and its a bossy creature. unnatractively bossy. bossy with everything and opinionated to! oh my GOD shes anti everything. dont do this dont do that eat this eat that etc.....shes a cheap sh*t queen who buys crap as she itight to wow im turing into a right bitter girl ! shes making me feel like that. i think il be single next year. i cant stand my bfs mother and its making me hate him now
sadwrigleatode sadwrigleatode 8 years
i cant stand my bf's mother. she controls him so much so, that she wont even allow him to sell his house, rid his debts and geta hosue for both of us. why dont i move in with him? simple- he lives literally on the llap of the B***H i cant stand her shes pushy, forceful, i mean he works, and hes not allowed to live where he wants! a few years ago we were looking at getting a nice place by the coast. but that crow stepped in and said he cant sell his place. hed never be allowed. AND HE EFFING WELL JUMPS WHEN SHE SAYS!! im in two minds to really leave. i HATE him becos of his weakness. yet hes shitty with me if i suggest we live in a house 3 hours away from her. atm im not picking up his calls and i avoid him - we have a long distance relationship and his mother who he may as well be living back home with, he sees her almost every day as he goes round there after work. so you can imagine- his cupboards are bare...he goes to MUMMy most days for dinner. he is obviously happy living alone, and living under MUMMYS rules. he may as well move back ! he takes me for granted to. on valentines day all the men in the store were buying roses , real nice bunches and all i got a was a crappy bunch (real cheap ) white daisies. and his mother would get anything she wanted com eon guys please give advice. shall i bail out. weve been dating for DARE I SAY IT 7 years. the gifts stopped after5 years. now im seeing how controlling she is and how it affects simple things liek valentines day now! btw his mums so mean with her money. i told him off for being like her. he said nothing. hes going to end up a lonely lonely old man living in a dump, controlled by mummy, if hes not careful. the mor ei think about him the more my blood boils. i so desperatly want to be loved by a man who spoils me, loves me, wants a future....... my 'bf' cares about MOTHER HIS CARS HIS CAT HIS HOUSE then im below the cat food somewhere im due to have an operation soon,. in 10 weeks time. wil he visit me? hell no way! will i get flowers? PFFFFFFFFT MORE CHANCE OF ME WINNING THE LOTTERY so, my point is, that depite when we first dated he vowed 'i never want to be like my mum' and in a twist if weirdness, he IS. as for me, i have family and they care and love me. and at the moment all i can do now is help MYSELF and look after number 1 sadwrigleatode
porkypocky porkypocky 9 years
oh, i hate my boyfriend's mom too. in fact, she's kind of like yours. i'm lucky my boyfriend sees her the way i do though...she is a really unpleasant person. unfortunately for some reason she's taken a liking to me and now i have to be extra nice to her. -____- since you're dating HIM and not HER, i don't think she should affect the status of your relationship. just keep your distance, don't talk to her if you have to, and if she really pushes your buttons, pick your battles wisely. definitely limit your time with her because if you don't, she'll drive you absolutely batty and you'll end up being rude if only because you can't stand her anymore.
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
If you didn't have to see her that often, I would say that it wouldn't really be a big deal. My question is: is he STILL living at home or did he move out for awhile? Does he have any capacity to take care of himself? I agree with the others, if you move out with him, he will expect you to do all of the things that his mom now does for him. Do you really want that? Also, she is used to being very involved in his life and obviously he likes it that way. Even if you move out with him, she will be around a lot. If he was 19, 20 maybe even 24, this would not be a big deal. But he is almost 30 for godssake! Does he have no pride or dignity??? Isn't he embarassed? Is he trying to move out? Is this a temporary situation due to financial constraints? Or is it a 'failure to launch' kind of situation? If I were you, I would be much more concerned about the fact that he still lives at home than anything else here. At least if he had some independence, then your relationship with his mom wouldn't be such a big issue. Good luck with this guy, I think you're going to need it.
xxkrist24xx xxkrist24xx 9 years
crackaddict -- Guess I'm one of the lucky few. I love my boyfriend's family! But I've found that most people I've become close to have families that I have loved as well and become a part of -- at least in their opinions :)
Vsugar Vsugar 9 years
HOLY OH MY GOD, you MUST be dating my ex. Seriously, as I was reading this, I was ABSOLUTELY sure this was my ex boyfriend you were talking about. It. Did. Not. End. Well. And his mother was to blame. I think the people who are questioning why on earth you want to be with this guy are spot on. Don't you want someone who doesn't choose the easy way out? Don't you want someone who is independent, who can do things for themselves? Who takes pride in having some semblance of life ethic????? Get out. Run. Let his momma have him.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Errrr, before you get to his mom, how could you be okay with this grown a$$ man living with the 'rents at that age?
Greentea1203 Greentea1203 9 years
I loved my ex-boyfriend's mother because she would always say I needed to dump him because he was a bum and she said she loved me more than him haha :P I've only met my new boyfriend's mom once when we went to Florida to visit. She is super religious, conservative, etc, etc, everything my family and I are not. No fun! I'd be happy to never see her again.
pippins_halfling pippins_halfling 9 years
I'm surprised you were still attracted to him once you knew how old he was and STILL living with dear mum...
crackaddict crackaddict 9 years
Honestly, no one likes their boyfriends mother and if they do it is rare. Any other woman with their claws lodged in your boyfriend is the enemy some times. If you love him convince him to move out.
TheMissus TheMissus 9 years
Ummm... If the fact that he lives at home and his mother does everything for him bothers you (and it would bother me too), then why are you with him? My personal opinion when it comes to dealing with mothers of significant others is, "They are their mother... And you have to accept them for who they are. You don't have to be BFFs with them... But you have to respect the relationship that they have, and hope that the mother respects the relationship that you have with the offspring." If the mother doesn't respect you, and you really can't stand it, then it is a valid reason to break up with that person. Like it or not... When you commit to someone, you are committing to the people they want in their world. If you can't handle it, then get out. I sure as heck wouldn't tolerate a woman like that. Especially since it affects your relationship so significantly since he lives at home. Why would you want a "Mama's Boy" anyway? Typically, "Mama's Boys" tend to have a hard time breaking away from mama and going out on their own. Why waste your time with someone like that? Get someone who is more independent.
AmandaKrups AmandaKrups 9 years
You all need to stop judging people who live at home in their late 20s so harshly. My husband lived at home until we got married, when he was 26. He's not academically inclined, so it was taking him a long time to finish college while he lived at home and had a bunch of part-time jobs. He didn't have the time for a full-time job so he couldn't afford to move out. He only got a full time job a couple of months after he proposed to me. The first time he moved out of his house was to move in with me after we were married. On the other hand, I had lived in dorms during college, studied abroad one semester and lived with a roommate for three years before I got married. But everyone is different. Just because my husband still lived at home and his mother cooked for him and did his laundry or whatever does not mean he needs therapy! Now that he is married, he doesn't expect me to do all the chores, but I have no problem doing most of them because I get home from work around 6:30 PM, while a lot of days he doesn't get home until 10 PM (or later...last night was after midnight). However, he knows I don't really cook. In fact, he hates it when I act too "motherly." However, I am in a different situation from the poster, because I do have a very good relationship with my husband's mother; she's a sweet woman and we luckily get along well.
MissJules5x MissJules5x 9 years
Her being loud and flashy and obnoxious doesn't mean she is being mean to you or treating you badly. Just because you are both different people and disagree doesn't make her an evil person. If you really are that annoyed by her then stop hanging out there... and that leads to the real problem. The issue here is your boyfriend. He is 29 years old. Still living at home and clearly not contributing in any mature adult way to his household. she cooks, cleans, does his laundry etc... She babies him because he's still showing her that he is incapable of doing anything for himself, and some families (especially traditional ones) the mother does take care of her child regardless of age as long as they are living under the parent's roof. as far as i'm concerned she's just taking care of someone that she loves that has shown that they are incapable of taking care of themselves. If he moved out and acted like an adult, took care of himself, and made his own decisions then maybe she would start treating him like he was an adult and not a spoiled child. Right now she is treating him like hes 5 years old because that is how he is acting.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 9 years
I do believe that when you marry a man you marry his family, they are part of the package, at least to me is very important to have a great relationship with my in-laws.
tina_marie tina_marie 9 years
Gosh, can you imagine how she would be if you two got married and had children. Talk about someone who would give unsolicited advice. You'd constantly be told how you are doing things and raising your child the wrong way. NO THANKS. This is a situation you definitely need to put into check now.
zabrow zabrow 9 years
i'm with everyone else that says that him living at home & being pampered by his mom at 29 years old is a WAY bigger problem than you not liking her. he will not grow up & you will always be second best. get out while you're ahead & MAYBE eventually he'll become an adult & cut the cord & you guys can be together. until then, i'd cut my losses. you & your feelings will never be his priority.
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
Would he ever move out and into somewhere with you? How would that work? Would she need an apartment over the garage (close to the washing machine) or something if that happened? I'm sorry but they all need therapy. Lots of it. Lots.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
I'm with Linb & Jaxon. I would be far more concerned about your boyfriend than his mother.
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
You have to realize that the fact that he lives at home and lets his mother operate as his maid is NOT solely her fault. He's a grown man and this is how he is choosing to live. Of course things have only gotten worse. How are they going to get better? He moves out and expects you to wash and fold his laundry and make his bed...? You are either going to have to deal with his mother and his momma's boy ways or find a man who has chosen to grow up.
jaxon jaxon 9 years
The mother thing you can push aside... What you need to realize now is that if you stay with him and live together/get married he WILL expect you to be that woman. Do you really want a "man" who cannot/will not do anything for himself?
linb linb 9 years
I'm with geebers - you have a much bigger issue on your hands than his mother. He is used to being taken care of - as you said, his mom does everything for him, even makes his bed. What do you think he is going to expect from you if/when you two live together or get married? YOU will be expected to replace his mother and take care of him. You will be the one to make his food, fold his clothes, clean the house, etc. Are you willing to do that for the rest of your life? If not, let him know that now. At 29, it is time for him to grow up, but he's the only one that can make that happen.
sundaygreen sundaygreen 9 years
If a person is in their late twenties (going on thirty!!!!) and earns their own money, there's no reason to live at home (unless they have to take care of their elderly parents or something....) Honestly, just try to convince him to move out! Things would be 110% better then, because you wouldn't have to see the evil mother so often.
geebers geebers 9 years
Look - I know different cultures (mine included) accept that living at home with the parents until marriage is OK. BUT we are not in that culture here. He is 29 and lives at home...? Isn't that a FAR bigger issue than his mom??? I don't know... that really bugs me.
blondiegirl1012 blondiegirl1012 9 years
You really want to be in a relationship with a guy who is 29 going on 5?
RadishSalad RadishSalad 9 years
I also agree with Kristenh. Just try to be the nicest you can be! It's all you can do. Don't break up over a person you don't like. :)
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