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You Asked: I Don't Enjoy Sex With My Boyfriend

You Asked: I Don't Enjoy Sex With My Boyfriend

Dear Sugar,

For the last eight months or so, I haven't enjoyed sex. My boyfriend tries hard to please me and helps me in every way possible, but I just DON'T want it. Well, actually I don't want it from him. I want sex all the time but when it comes down to it, I get turned off by the little things — him not being shaved down there, it being too late, I'm too tired, I have to work tomorrow — I give him every excuse in the book.

I have tried to figure out ways to make myself want to have sex with him, but I am tired of it because it's so boring. It's the same thing every time. I can predict his every move and what will happen next. I feel like I would have more fun masturbating alone (and usually do).

I have a common fantasy that I have wanted to share with him but don't
know how to bring it up without sounding weird. We're pretty open with our sex life and love to try new things, but I think this is one of those things that has to be handled delicately. I want him to be my "masseuse" and "trick" me into sleeping with him. I want him to use sly hand movements, no speaking, and just touching. I'm nervous about him messing it up though, with a lot of talking or rushing in to it. Should I bring it up to him?

—Wanting More Mandi

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Wanting More Mandi,

You say that you are bored with your sex life because it's the same all the time, but then you also said that you two are really open to trying new things so I'm a little confused. Does he know that you're restless? If so, is that why he tries new things? Or does he try new things and it still leaves you unsatisfied?

All good and solid relationships are built on respect and openness. You've got to be honest with him about everything and trust that he'll listen and be supportive. Sex is a really important aspect of a relationship because it's a special way that you can express how you feel for one another and he should know that you are wanting more. It's great that you have this sexual fantasy and you should definitely share it with him. Be specific about what you want and try not to be so strict about it, or have such high expectations. Just let things happen and try to remember that this is all about sharing love and being together. I'm sure he already knows that he hasn't been pleasing you lately, and he might even have a complex about it, so you don't want him to become any more self-conscious than he already is.

If everything else is great about your relationship, keep working on this and have some patience. As long as you are willing to discuss what you want and need from him, and he's willing to try, I'm sure you'll be able to improve your sex life. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
michelleannette michelleannette 9 years
i love to roleplay and my guy was pretty timid. i shared this with him and it opened him up. it was pretty easy for him to play along because we both understand that we are playing. if the fantasy gets to be too much or is too drawn out---we go back to being us. roleplaying is a great way to enhance your sex long as it doesn't get out of hand. we do it on occasion and he loves it because he gets to see different sides to my personality.
Holly-J Holly-J 9 years
Just be honest, but also be nice and do it in a time you can both talk...these things can be traumatic to a guy. Also, if you don't like a guy unshaved, just causally say to him, "so honey, what do you think about guys who shave?" I find making general statements about your turn ons and offs give guys insight about what you want. For example, I like my man to trim, and so I let him know when I was going to get waxed. I was like "having less hair down there is better and for guys, it makes their think look bigger." You best believe my man took some scissors to his lol lol. Just be honest. If you are nice about it, honest and gentle. If he freaks out and can't get over it, dump him. Also, have you considered that you are just not into the guy...I mean, even when I am exhausted or whatever, I want my man. Maybe you guys are ready to split.
bettyboutique bettyboutique 9 years
Alright every is saying tell him tell him... BUT you could also SHOW him what you like... i mean boys aren't the smartest and you know what you want and how you want it. So guide him. Not just with your fantasy but with sex! take control of it and you'll get what you want.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
Having been married now for 7 years, i have realized that my sex drive wavers, sometimes i am little miss missionary sometimes i dont even want to think about sex, sometimes i am a hindu goddess and the kama sutra is my mantra. BUT i also communicate with my hubby so he knows what i want, when i want it, and when to ask me or not. we are so in tune its scary.
lintacious lintacious 9 years
I don't understand. You say that it is boring and you know his every move. You also say that you have an open sex life and both are willing to try new things. It sounds like you do not have a sexual connection with him. If you really like him a lot and everything else is good in the relatonship but this, I would suggest talking to him and telling him exactly what you want him to do - what feels good to you. If this is just another thing you dont like about him in a long list of things, then it sounds like you're not really into him.
Jinx Jinx 9 years
I agree Dear!
chancleta chancleta 9 years
take an active role in making it better and i think you'll find you'll both be happier for it
chancleta chancleta 9 years
spice it up! break the mold! take him shopping for accessories and watch dirty movies together buy a wig! play dress up! make it fun!
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
You need to talk to him and tell him these things. I'm sure he's got a lot of things running through his mind right now as it is considering that you don't want to have sex with him. I'm sure he also knows that he is not satisfiying you. But you need to talk to him about it or it's not going to get any better.
i-am-elle i-am-elle 9 years
Hmm this can be a very touchy subject between lovers. I can understand feeling uncomfortable about sharing how you feel, but if you want to enjoy your sex life, it's best to speak up! Like Dear, I'm a little confused about the discrepancies you pointed out. First you said you're bored with sex, then you said you both like to try new things. So, then why aren't you doing it? Don't be afraid to tell him what you want. Even better, show him. Guys aren't mind readers. I'm sure he wants to please you & would gladly accept any advice on how to do that. Just be open with him. :) Good luck to the both of you!
miz-roz miz-roz 9 years
Well for starters lets look at the scientific aspect of this situation, it could be the time of the month or an imbalance in hormones. But you say you want sex all the time just not with him, do your best to spice it up as long as it doesn't cross yours or his comfort level. You aren't going to see him naked and be like "Oh yeah baby come here to me" LOL women aren't like that. We need to be touched and seduced every time. Your fantasy doesn't seem bad at all! I'm pretty sure he won't refuse. I strongly believe that communication is key in a relationship and being able to talk openly about sex leads to a better sex life. Next time you two are "busy" let him know how much you love when he does this or that to you and lead him to what you have been wanting him to do. Good Luck to you.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 9 years
I'm with no. 8 and no. 12. It seems there are some more issues outside the bedroom that seeped into the bedroom... The way you're already 'giving up' on him without even talking to him about it, the way you already expect him to 'fail' to please you even if you're sharing your fantasy with him, etc etc. The way you're treating sex as something oh so serious as opposed to something loving and FUN to do with your couple. I mean, enjoy and learn to laugh it off even if it didn't go exactly the way your fantasy wants it to go. And it doesn't seem like you're too keen on working this out with him because you're beating him down as you go along in your question...But nevermind that. Like the others said, he can't read your mind, you have to TALK to him about it, and tell him the fantasies you want done, and do one of his in exchange. But the problem here is, you seem to expect him to rush in and not do it right...if you want your fantasy done EXACTLY the way you want it to, then give ALL THE DETAILS to him as to EXACTLY how you want it done, blow by blow. Even better, write it down for him so that he can remember the instruction or put up a cheat sheet if he forgot a step or two...If even that fails...uh, maybe sex therapist? (This is if you're interested in continuing the relationship with him..I think) Good luck to you.
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
Do you think you could be suffering from depression/emotional ambivalence? If you have fantasies then you need to share them with your partner. If you can't be honest with the guy you love then who can you be honest with?!
reeeeka reeeeka 9 years
I'm assuming there is bigger issues than just not wanting sex. You don't want sex WITH HIM...inparticular. That says alot...and maybe it has nothing to do with his predicablitiy? Maybe you just arnt in it with your heart?
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
argh! bad sex is no bueno . . . well i'm assuming you two are serious , so you should tell him. i don't like the whole being sensitive about sex thing, because if you were the one with the bad legs, he's make sure you knew or modified your performance. so just tell him,"look, we need to try some things. sex is not exciting or inticing. let's (fill in your fantasy)." he should be up for it. if he weenies out, then you have deeper issues to deal with ( look at all the red flags) . . .
niagra_girl niagra_girl 9 years
well, you need to talk to him wt the true . he's probably want the same as you, but if you dont talk to him u will never know. just bring it out your fantasy and u might get surprise!!!!!
Marlovestar Marlovestar 9 years
If you still have feelings for your guy try bringing it up in positive way. Guys egos are SUPER sensitive. Tell him you've been having this dream and that you want to act it out in real life. He will be more likely to oblige if he thinks it's just something new to try.
njau njau 9 years
There is a slightly bigger issue if you are not enjoying sex with him. Sex is suppose to be wonderful with your guy, and yes we can make every excuse in the book when we aren't exactly in the mood, but when it does happen it shouldn't be blah. And you shouldn't be making excuses if it is blah. You don't have to say it point blank that his sex isn't the greatest but doing like the girls have said above and just talk to him about the fantasy should start the ball rolling into some hot sex for you!
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
"My boyfriend tries hard to please me and helps me in every way possible, but I just DON'T want it. Well, actually I don't want it from him." Great idea, send him this article. He won't be offended at all! lmao. Seriously, it sounds like you expect a lot from your sex life and I'm sure the poor guy has no clue that he's not filling your every sexual desire. Actually, most men have no clue until you bring it up to them and sometimes it's an ego crusher.
ThePerfectScore ThePerfectScore 9 years
He's not a mind reader... you gotta tell him
kia kia 9 years
talk to him if you handle it right it can be a turn on when you give your partner some directions also offer to trim him if that is an issue
Marseeah Marseeah 9 years
Just email him the link to this article! Hopefully he'll get the idea!
clareberrys clareberrys 9 years
THe best thing you can do is to TALK to him. If you just keep this inside nothing will get better and then you will start taking out on him in other places besides the bedroom. Sex is an important part of a relationship because it is when you are the most intimate with someone. It means letting your guard down and showing yourself whether that be telling him your fantasy or just telling him if you would like it if he did more of _________ (fill in the blank). It may not change at first, but I'm sure he loves you and wants to make you happy. Give him a chance to change. Heck Go to a porn store and buy a vibrator or dildo or PORN and tell him youd like to try it with him. This will definitely change things up! Or buy a porn and tell him you want everything that is going on the porn to happen in your own bedroom! I'm telling you if you make the suggestion I feel that he will be more than open to it! The hardest part is initiating the conversation, but once you start talking it won't be that bad! IT will show your maturity if the two of you can have a conversation about your sexual wants and needs without getting into an argument. If you don't believe boyfriend was not going down on me as much as I would have liked (hardly ever!) and I talked to him about it and it didn't start right away but he has gotten SO much more into it since we talked about it. I know you'll be able to spice it up again!!! Good luck ....have fun and just RELAX!
SusanTeufel SusanTeufel 9 years
Is this a fantasy that has been played out in a movie somehow, or that you read sometime? Have him watch/read it. A guy loves to be told what would make his lady go loco for him - At least mine does. I say tell him, demonstrate on him how you want to be treated. Take charge. Express to him the things that would make sex fabulous for you. Good luck, Mandi!
markitaluvcd markitaluvcd 9 years
just tell him to be mor eagressive or just tell him u like it rough
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