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You Asked: I Don't Know What to Believe

You Asked: I Don't Know What to Believe

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of five months just told me that he has chlamydia. He swears he hasn't cheated on me, but after researching STIs, I found out that symptoms usually surface within a week or two. I talked to a doctor and was told that while it's possible for symptoms to show up months after being infected, they usually show up within seven to 21 days. We are together all the time, so his response to my accusations was, "When would I have had time to cheat on you?" As it turns out, he was out of town about a week and a half ago, visiting some college friends, which makes perfect sense time-wise. I am in love with him and things have been going really well so I don't want to mess things up by being jealous or paranoid; however, I won't tolerate cheating and/or lying — I just want to know the truth. What should I do (besides getting treated for chlamydia!)? — Skeptical Sasha

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Dear Skeptical Sasha,

I'm really sorry to hear that your boyfriend has put you in this situation. Since I don't know anything about his character, I can't say if your boyfriend is lying or not, but the doctor you spoke with is correct — chlamydia doesn't necessarily appear right away and it can often be asymptomatic, which is probably how it got passed to you. With that said, it sounds to me like you're pretty certain that your boyfriend cheated on you (very irresponsibly, may I add), in which case you need to decide if you're willing to forgive him and rebuild the trust that's been lost.

Your first order of business should be taking care of yourself and seeing your gynecologist. Once you've done that, sit down with your boyfriend and have a serious heart-to-heart. Ask him to flat out tell you the truth. If he swears yet again that he didn't cheat, you're going to have to make a judgment call. This could be a case of coincidental timing or he could be lying through his teeth. Unfortunately, you may never know the truth, so the only advice I can offer is to trust your instincts. Good luck.

Join The Conversation
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 8 years
I'd just tell him that I'd rather be with someone who can tell me the truth even if it's not what I want to hear then someone who lies to spare my feelings. Make him tell you the truth until you're convinced that he didn't cheat on you if he still claims that he didn't. This just seems like too big of a coincidence time-wise. If he can tell you the truth you may be able to forgive him as long as it doesn't happen again.
Autumns_Elegy Autumns_Elegy 9 years
Get it treated and use a condom from now on. I agree with getting your past partners tested, not only does it give you your answers, it takes care of them as well! I can't tell you what to do with this boy, but if he did lie I'd probably give him a firm punch in the face and drop his lying ass.
K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 9 years
I know many of guys who have used the "When could I possibly find time to cheat on you?" line on their girlfriend and guess what? They found the time, alright! I'm not necessarily saying your boyfriend is one of these guys, but I understand why you're skeptical. Only you can be the judge of his character and decide if he's worth the trouble. At the very least, make him wear condoms for a while. If he can't handle that, then it may be time for the boot.
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
My comment is just to always, always use condoms unless you have looked at your partner's recent test results and know for certain. Also, if you are not 100% certain that he will never cheat on you, then still use condoms. Every single time you have sex! If you also have this, then I agree with others that you need to check with your last couple most recent bf's. Get them to get tested, and find out the results. You could have had it for awhile and not known. Also, have you always used condoms with your partner and recently did not? Then it would make sense if you got it, because the condoms may have prevented transmission before. If you are going to stay with this guy, then always use condoms. But trust your instincts, since you have no evidence either way, that is the only thing you can do here.
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 9 years
Hey sweetie, I am sorry that you are going through with this. A talk with your guy needs to be had. I also think you need to speak to your doctor about getting checked yourself and how you can prevent the spread of an STD to yourself. Love is always important - however your HEALTH should be NUMBER ONE. GOOD LUCK! XOXOXO
pixelhaze pixelhaze 9 years
chocolatine and the missus make good points - you should both ask your previous partners to get tested, and go from there. That's about as far as logic is going to take you, though. After that it really is a gut thing. Good luck!
Vsugar Vsugar 9 years
Oh wow - this is a tough one - I'm so sorry to hear about this. I suppose one way to look at is that AT LEAST he was honest with you, and gave you the information you need to know to protect your own health. Do you know any of the people he went away with? Do you have a good relationship with any of them? There ARE ways to, well (I can't believe I'm saying this) manipulate people into giving you a hint. If you know one of his friends and you say - I need to know what happened on that trip, you just might get a "Look, that's between you and him, I don't want to get involved." TRUST ME, that means something happened. I don't think this is the HEALTHIEST way to handle things, and will likely completely destroy your relationship if he's NOT lying to you, but I think you need to protect your health. Did you ask him why he went to the doctor? How was the chlamydia diagnosed? Did he go in for a physical? Did he go in because he was in agony and needed to know what was going on? I mean, if it was "silent" for so many months, how come it suddenly sent him to the doctor? I would ask if that can happen and get more information from him. And I think he's lying. Just for the record.
cubadog cubadog 9 years
I also agree with chocolatine, but there is no way to know if any of his past GF'S will be honest with him and tell him if they have been treated or are infected some people are too embarrassed to admit it. A lot of men ignore symptoms until it becomes unbearable than go to the doctor and find out they really are sick. I am not trying to make excuses for him but all you can do is go with your gut and if you feel he is lying than you have to decide if you want to stay with him.
Mykie7 Mykie7 9 years
Unless you catch him, you may never know. I am a firm believer in trust in a relationship, and if you don't have trust, you don't HAVE a relationship. But Chocolate is right about the incubation period. When you got involved with him, did you ever have that discussion? If not, you need to now, and yes, if he doesn't cooperate and give you full disclosure it is definitely time to move on.
Lily-Inferno Lily-Inferno 9 years
Oh I love the "When do I have time to cheat excuse"..theres always time. Anyhoo, I agree Chocolatine. Best of luck!
rabidmoon rabidmoon 9 years
I am with Chocolatine as well on this one.. ..and if he is the least bit uncooperative, then ditch him. Sorry, but if he is worth keeping he should not only be cooperative, but embarrassed AND apologetic. If you have to fight him on this at all, walk away. I may sound harsh but it breaks me up to see women worrying and doing all the thinking for someone when in fact, they may have caused the situation.
karlotta karlotta 9 years
Chlamydia is silent in a lot of people, so it's totally possible he had it before meeting you. Chocolatine had a good idea; ask him to call his ex (or exes!) to get them tested, and if one of them has it... then you'll know he's saying the truth. Apart from that, you know him better than us, so you're the only one who can judge whether he may be a cheater or not. Be very honest with him that the nagging doubt will always be there unless he figures out a way to prove his innocence to you (please, how would HE react if the situation was reversed!) If you guys are very in love, I don't know how he could keep up the lie forever. He would have to feel guilty at some point or another, and it would show. Do you have any other reason to think he may have been unfaithful that week with his friends? And is there a friend of his who was on that trip and whom you trust, with whom you could have a confidential chat? Anything goes, at this point - you do just need to find the truth. If your doubts are too strong, then by all means, leave him. If not, decide you want to give him a pass on this one, but watch his future behavior! Good luck - and sorry!
skigurl skigurl 9 years
trust your gut on this one. and if you honestly cannot tell if he's lying or not, then play it out. keep dating him, if you're truly happy, and if you ever getting a nagging feeling or feel insecure or feel like you just can't trust him, then you can make the call at that time to break up. but if he honestly is telling you the truth, and he can tell you by looking you in the eye, and he's never lied to you before, then you have to give him the benefit of the doubt
TheMissus TheMissus 9 years
I agree with Dear... But we should also consider the possibility that you may have given it to him... You could have contracted it in your last intimate relationship months ago too. But if this whole thing has shaken your trust with him, then you do have to trust your instincts.
chocolatine chocolatine 9 years
According to this website, the incubation period for chlamydia can be up to six months: If your boyfriend didn't cheat on you, he must have contracted it from his last sexual partner before you. He should contact her and tell her to get tested. Her test result will give you your answer. If your boyfriend isn't forthcoming about his sexual history before meeting you, that would be a strong indicator that he has something to hide and did indeed cheat on you.
sonya-ina sonya-ina 9 years
I completely agree with DearSugar, and though I also know nothing about your boyfriend, it certainly sounds like he cheated on you and just doesn't want to fess up. He probably got drunk, did the deed, and regrets it. Just ask yourself... do you REALLY trust him? 5 months is a good amount of time, but how well do you really know him, do you think he's truly capable of cheating?
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