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You Asked: I Don't Understand Why He's Rejecting Me

You Asked: I Don't Understand Why He's Rejecting Me

Dear Sugar,

A friend of a friend asked me out about two months ago. We had known each other for a while, but we really hit it off at our mutual friend's birthday party. He pursued me and made me feel connected to him in a way I hadn't felt in a long time. Things were great for a few weeks; we talked on the phone and texted every day, went out a couple times a week, and we even started sleeping over at one another's apartments.

Then he started to pull back all of a sudden, telling me that he wasn't looking for anything serious and didn't want our relationship to affect his other friendships. This crushed me, and I have a strong feeling that our mutual friend had a hand in this. I've tried to talk to both of them about it, but I can't get a straight answer. Now the guy I was dating barely acknowledges me, even as a friend. I have to initiate every conversation and he always has an excuse for why he can't hang out. I really like him and don't understand how or why things changed seemingly overnight. I just don't know what to do — help! — Blindsided Betsey

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Blindsided Betsey,

Without getting a straight answer from the guy you were seeing, you'll never know the motivation behind his decision to pull away from you. Sure, your mutual friend could have a part in it, but that's just speculation until you get the truth from the horse's mouth, so to speak. Since he's not taking the initiative to spark conversation with you, you have two choices. One, you can let things settle down for the time being, or two, you can ask him to coffee or to meet for a drink in order to talk everything out and understand his change of heart.

At the end of the day, not all relationships work out, and if he continues to avoid you, I'd close this chapter in your life and move on. Fighting for someone who doesn't want to be with you never feels good so hopefully you'll be able to get the answers you need sooner rather than later.


Join The Conversation
eastcoastgirl eastcoastgirl 8 years
Could your mutual friend have a problem with your dating him? Maybe you could have a heart to heart with that friend!
Simone-Grant Simone-Grant 8 years
Sorry, hun, it really sucks when relationships end. And it doesn't get any easier as you get older. The thing is, it NEVER matters why. We all drive ourselves nutty trying to figure the whys out but in the end they never matter. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. It doesn't matter what reason he gave you or whether or not that reason was the truth. It's over for him.
vmruby vmruby 8 years
You've gone as far as you can go with this situation.You need closure and it's sad that he's neither willing nor mature enough to give it to you. It happens all the time. What goes around, comes around, and someday he's going to really care about someone and the same thing will happen to him.As hard as it may be for you, there's no other choice but to let it go and move on.......Good Luck!
hope2be hope2be 8 years
He's not that into you, unfortunately. But Betsey sweetie, it happens though in the world of dating. Most of us have had to deal with the same thing at a point in our life. It's more common than you think. I'd strongly suggest of moving on. Don't bother pursuing him for an explanation or trying to get your friend to fess up to whatever. If you do, they'll have more reasons to call you names behind your back and give you false explanation instead of the truth.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 8 years
Look at it this way....even if he does answer you with an "explanation", you know it's going to be something you don't want to hear, so why are you so concerned about hearing it? Explanation or no, you are going to be unhappy. Everyone's right...let it go. He sounds immature and doesn't deserve you. The two phrases that describe this type of guy are "on and gone" and "hit it and quit it". Harsh I know, but these assholes are out there...I am sorry you had to deal with one, but we all have in one shape or another. You'll be ok, trust me.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Im going to call this the hit and run. He got what he wanted and now is on to the next. He knows what he's doing though, so i suggest you stop contacting him. He's a coward.
bellafashionista bellafashionista 8 years
I am also going through the exact same situation now. I'm replaying all the little things and good times over and over in my head wondering what happened. I just don't understand. The sad part is that I actually reconnected with this guy after agreeing to start seeing him again (after no communication for 3 weeks and starting to move on with my life)... big mistake. Now he pulled another disappearing act. I find myself making excuses for him and wondering if and when he'll contact me with an explanation because I'll be damned if I contact him after being made into a fool for letting him back into my life. I just re-read "He's Just Not That Into You" and it makes me feel even more sure that if he truly cared about me he would not leave me hanging like this. It's hard to accept but I'm doing my best to not think about it. One of the things I realize also is that he has a lot of his own problems, definitely an immature man scared of commitment. It helps if you realize it may have nothing to do with you. So if he doesn't like you enough to give you a straight answer and set your mind at ease..why do you want to chase him? I'm asking myself the same thing sadly and seeing everyone's advice to move on really helps....
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
You still like him after he's been treating you like this?
ig586 ig586 8 years
I speak from my own experience: You don't want this guy. He's afraid of relationships. You are better than that and you deserve a guy who wants to be in a relationship with you. But you won't find a guy like that if you are still hung up on this loser, so get over him. stay away from him and the mutual friend while you're at it (he'll only remind you of him and increase your chances of running into him). should you run into him accidentally, pretend he doesn't exist. Warning: the whole ignoring him act may have the side effect that he comes crawling back to you, and if he does, do yourself (and your self esteem) a huge favor and tell him your interested in somebody else.
sourcherry sourcherry 8 years
I've been there too, and I know it absolutely sucks to not know the reason why he changed his mind. But the fact is he's not interested anymore, and has made that clear. Forget about trying to get an answer from him or your friend, it won't happen, and it will hurt even more. Move on.
stumbler02 stumbler02 8 years
For whatever reason, he doesn't want you. Trust me, if he really liked you, then he wouldn't give you up for some lame excuse like "protecting friendships" (I really doubt you were such a huge threat to his friends, but whatever.) In any case, it's done, and you should just move on. Oh, and don't take it personally. Just because you didn't work out for him doesn't mean you're not desirable or capable of maintaining a great relationship with someone else.
L7amiguita L7amiguita 8 years
Oh boy. Going through the exact same thing. Is your guy named....? lol jk The only advice I can give to you is to let him go. Trust me, there is no point in trying to figure out what went wrong, if you did anything wrong, or to think about all the things you could have done differently. Unfortunately, these things just happen. I know it hurts because you felt this connection with him, but there is obviously something going on with him that he doesn't want you to know about. Don't try to push him into being your friend because, honestly, someone who could just drop you like that without giving you an explanation doesn't deserve your friendship. Go on with your life and keep yourself busy! Time makes the pain go away, trust me. You'll be okay :)
lindssaurussss lindssaurussss 8 years
sorry to hear. i've been going through the same thing. its hard not to worry about this and its a definite blow when you thought you had a connection. but you just need to step back and forget about him. easier said than done, it takes awhile, takes time but you soon realize how worthless it is to think about him. and if you thought having such strong connection with him was great just wait until you meet the one who will be there for you! what helps me is reading articles like this and seeing how your not the only one with a problem like this. good luck!
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
it doesn't matter why he's doing it. he's moved on and you should too. being clingy and sounding desperate are really unattractive. i've been where you are, almost EXACTLY. it hurts to think everything was going along great and then WHAM it's over with no explanation. even more hurtful to think a fried had a part in it. maybe the real answer is that he's not ready for a grown-up relationship. there's a man out there that will love you for you, and who won't be influanced by others. but this is not that man.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
Sorry to say it Dear, but suggesting that she contact him yet again is pretty terrible advice. She's already been doing that, as noted in her letter. And he's made it abundantly clear that he's not interested. Don't humiliate yourself any more by not getting the message and backing off. I know this stuff hurts, but it will hurt more if you keep getting rejected over and over and over by the same guy. Just try your best to make peace with it.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
I really think there's only one feasible option here and not two - move on. He couldn't have made it clearer. Regardless of what his issues are, do you respect yourself so little that you'd want to be with someone you need to convince to like you?
macchiatolove macchiatolove 8 years
I agree with the others. I would pull back myself and start to move on. Knowing what human beings are like, just as you've moved on and start to feel confident again, he'll want to initiate contact again! As Ster said, whether or not you choose to do this is completely up to you. I don't think though, that even if you sat down with him, you'd get a straight answer. He'd have given one by now if he was going to. I'd let it go. He sounds like a jerk!
GScott86 GScott86 8 years
Take it from me, it's pointless chasing after someone that doesn't want you. It'll drag on until you destroy yourself. No one's worth your life (literally nor figuratively).
Fallen85 Fallen85 8 years
He's just not that into you, drop it and move on
MissJules5x MissJules5x 8 years
your "friend" and this guy you were seeing are clearly being very immature about the whole situation and theres really nothing else you can do. if you keep pushing the issue then they are just gunna get annoyed and think you are being annoying even though you do have a right to know whats going on. if this so called friend of yours has anything to do with it and is being shady then you need to just drop he/she and forget about this guy and find someone that won't play games. forget about him. youre clearly not getting anywhere with this.
Miss-Senorita Miss-Senorita 8 years
I agree if you have already tried to get to the bottom of it and still got no answers then you should move on and find someone that wants the same things as you.
Ster Ster 8 years
Seems like you already tried to talk to him, to no avail. There's not really a lot you can do here, except move on. I know this is (a lot) easier said than done, but you can't force him to be straight with you. And do you really want to be serious with someone that fickle anyway? Regardless of what spurred him on to give you the cold sholder, someone who drops you like a used tissue without a clear reason or an explanation doesn't seem worthy of your time. Chances even are that when you pull back, he'll suddenly start paying more attention to you. Whether or not you'll still want it at that point, will be up to you.
frieddumpling frieddumpling 8 years
You're already trying you're best to find out what's really going on with the situation and also trying to reach out to him to sustain a friendship with him. I say you've done your part and if he doesn't make some kind of an effort, either wait til he come around eventually or just write him off because he's not worth it - as a friend or a boyfriend. Sad to say, but you guys maybe were just not as close as you thought.
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