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You Asked: I Don't Want to Keep Waiting For Him

You Asked: I Don't Want to Keep Waiting For Him

Dear Sugar,

I am a single mother with four children. I have been dating my current boyfriend for five years, and although I love him dearly, I can't help but feel like our relationship has hit a standstill. We're currently living in separate towns a couple of hours apart. I'm ready for us to move in with each other and get engaged, but he just won't do it. He comes to see me often and spends a few days but nothing more. Half the time he says he can't see himself living in my town permanently because it's so far away from everything, but the rest of the time, he says he just needs more time. I know he loves me and my children, and I love him, but I'm just not sure I can wait for him anymore.

I feel completely brokenhearted, and I just don't know what I can do. Do you have any advice for getting through this? Can I make it work?

— Tired of Waiting Tamara

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Tired of Waiting Tamara,

There's nothing more difficult than wanting something to work that just won't. It also seems nearly impossible to walk away from a five-year relationship with a man you love and who cares deeply for your children, but currently there's a huge level of dissatisfaction that you're obviously unable to ignore. If he needs you to wait, and you're not willing to wait anymore, then to me the answer is clear.

Sit down with your boyfriend and tell him that you've hit your limit. Perhaps there's something specific holding him back that you guys can work through together — maybe he really doesn't want to move into your area or perhaps the idea of marriage is scaring him away from the move. However, if he's unsure if he'll ever be ready, then no matter how much you might want him to marry you, you could end up in the same position another five years down the road. Focus on talking with him for now, and hopefully you'll get the answers you need to make your decision.


Join The Conversation
MissChita MissChita 9 years
Hello, If you have been dating a guy for 5 years and still hasnt made any bigger move than coming to see you often, then you really need to let him find someone who lives in his town and you find someone who is local as well. Also, as a mother with 4 children, dont let you children see the heartache you go thru and seeing some guy come in and out of their homes. Sure, you want to be married. That's cool, but if dude is telling you straight up that he doesnt want to leave his town, then how do you thing anything more than a few visits is going to happen. Sounds like, he is enjoying the way things are going with you. And sure, he cares about you and the children, but not far enough to put a ring on your finger and make you all a family. Dont try to make something work that is not meant to be. Let it go. Focus on your children first and if God willing, the right man will come along, and you wont have to go thru all of this mess. Best of luck to you!!!
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
Just tell him the truth, not in an ultimatum kinda way just the honest truth. He'll either get it and tell you what it is that you can work out or he'll tell you that he can't do it and you can both move on.
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
I know this might hurt, but I'll be straight up with you. It sounds like he does not want to be a father to 4 children that are not his. That is a lot of commitment to ask of a man, to move in with you and get engaged when there are 4 children involved (who I am assuming all live at home). Also, maybe he does not want to assume financial responsibility for your children. I know that you have been with him for a long time, but I am just wondering why you never talked about this issue before? Did he know your ultimate goal was to get married? That seems like a long time to not have a clear conversation with your partner about this issue. Obviously you have to decide for yourself, but I would suggest to you that he may not be the right guy for you if he does not want to marry any time soon and that is what you are really focused on. I hope that you find happiness, good luck! :)
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
wow. BEYOND special. that is some kind of love. sounds like a wonderful man.
Amelie074 Amelie074 9 years
Yeah, actually I know a guy who took on a lady with 4 kids - my Dad! He married my Mom who had 4 kids from her first marriage and then they had me. They were married for 30 years until my Mom passed away. So yes, it can happen but it takes a very special guy! :-)
Jude-C Jude-C 9 years
5 years seems a long time to invest in a relationship and still not be ready. I'd say that if it's really important for you to marry, then perhaps it's time to move on--this guy sounds like he's likely to be wasting your time. But if you love him, enjoy his company, and are all right with the relationship continuing as it is, that would be different.
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
"not heard of; known. and 4 kids?" I guess I should say heard of AND known, and these women are some of the worst people you'd ever wanna meet! It happens. P.S. Men really aren't as hung up about kids as women are, in my opinion, from what I've seen.
BeautyXRush BeautyXRush 9 years
5 years is long enough like hotstuff said, he's scared of commitment. Oh, and isnt uncommon, people divorce and they have kids, and remarry and have more kids. I don't see the bid deal about it.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 9 years
Simply said: He's not that into you. He may love you PART-TIME, sweetie, but not full-time. He may not want to father 4 children who aren't his. Want to call his bluff: Tell him you're willing to relocate your whole family to be with him. And tell him that 5 years is enough time to figure out for YOU what you want to do with him. What's going to happen: Most likely he's going to break up with you. 5 years is enough time to know if you want to be with someone in a long run (as in marriage in your case) or not. I'd say that you probably need to move on.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
not heard of; known. and 4 kids? no, i don't see that happening. what man is going to take on some other mans 4 children? that's crazy.
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
I've heard of plenty of men marrying women with a lot of kids. This guy just doesn't seem like the right one. You'll find someone who wants what you want OP. Your just not going to find it sitting in a doomed relationship!
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
has ANYONE on here ever known any man that married a woman who already had 4 kids? that's all i needed to read.
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
You want to be married, he doesn't 5 years is long enough for any man to figure that out! The man who will truly love you will move to the ends of the earth to be with you. WAKE UP!
cvandoorn cvandoorn 9 years
Maybe he's not ready to play daddy yet. Right now, everything is cool for him. He sees you and your kids a few days a week, but that's about as far as he goes. It must be hard for him as well, and that could be the reason why he's asking for more time or stalling. And even though you say you can't wait for him...when it comes down to it, if you guys break up, you'll have to start all over again, and you'll end up pushing the next guy even more (and maybe even sooner) to get married. Plus, how does it look for your 4 kids, to keep having a new guy in their lives?
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Geez! You have four kids. Stop worrying about some guy that obviously doesn't want to be with you and focus on them. Show them a good example.
chicaparati17 chicaparati17 9 years
ditto jillerin457
jillerin457 jillerin457 9 years
The DearSugar answer is a reeeeeallllyyyy nice way to put it! I'm sorry, but as they say, "he's just not that into you." He likes you fine, but not enough to commit. Five years is plenty of time for him to figure that out! Maybe now is a good time to focus on yourself and your children, and a little later you could find a guy who takes you more seriously.
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