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You Asked: I Don't Want to Ruin My Parents' Friendship

You Asked: I Don't Want to Ruin My Parents' Friendship

Dear Sugar,

I have been really close with one of my friends since we were about six years old because our parents are childhood friends, too. About five years ago I hooked her up with my best male friend, and they really hit it off. I also started dating someone and we all became a group of friends; we used to double date and do everything together.

About a year and a half ago they broke up — he dumped her. It was a really nasty split, and she was left deeply hurt. Of course, me and my boyfriend were there for her and tried to make her feel better. At one point she got really mad at us because we were hanging out with him too. We tried to explain to her that we didn't want to take sides, but she didn't seem to care. She decided to stop talking to us. At the beginning of this year my significant other and I broke up, too, and a month later in a drunken stupor, I ended up having sex with my friend's ex (my closest male friend).

It's been six months since that night and it actually developed into a beautiful relationship. But sometimes it's hard because in public places or in front of common friends, we have to pretend that we`re just good buddies; we can't let my ex or friend find out. Honestly, I don't really care about what they think but I'm afraid that her parents would get mad at my parents for what I've done. I really don't want to ruin my parents' friendship if this gets out. What can I do? We're sick of hiding it.

— Hiding Hannah

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Hiding Hannah,

This is a very complicated situation so I can see why you haven't been quick to reveal your relationship to your circle of friends or family. However, hiding your relationship doesn't solve any problems, it simply delays them. I think it's time to let the cat out of the bag and deal with the consequences, whatever they may be. As far as your parents' relationship goes, I think it's fair to say that both sets of parents, hers and yours, may end up disappointed in the way things have turned out for their children's friendship. But if her parents really think that ruining their adult friendship over a riff between their daughters is worth it then that's something you have absolutely no control over.

The best you can do is try to avoid getting defensive if other people make judgments about your relationship, which I'm sure they will. And though it's easy to say that you don't care what your ex or your friend think, I doubt that's how you really feel. It's normal to worry about their feelings, and I think instead of feigning disinterest in their opinions, it's better to be sympathetic to how this situation might make them feel. There's no need to directly speak to them, but as your relationship comes out, do be gentle with how you handle it.


Join The Conversation
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 8 years
You did nothing wrong if both of the couples were broken up when you two hooked up. If you had feelings for each other while you were coupled up or if you cheated then there would be something to be ashamed of. You will have some negative things said about you but you're going to have that anyway especially if you are in a small town like it seems you are. As far as your parents relationships; if they are that stupid to ruin a friendship over the fact that their children aren't friends then let them. My ex BFFs parents and my parents are still friendly with each other and don't really get into what their kids relationship is. If they have been friends since they were kids they have more things to talk about then their kid's love lives.
Mykie7 Mykie7 8 years
At some point you have to decide that what is good for you is good, period. You haven't broken any morality laws. If you ask me it's your friend being unreasonable, and if your parents have all been friends as long as you say, I seriously doubt that what YOU and your friend fight about will affect THEM.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Oh, High school.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
I say hold off on telling everyone. The relationship will be much less exciting once it's not illicit. You might as well enjoy it while it lasts.
mmac2 mmac2 8 years
You're both adults, so it's safe to reveal your relationship. Your friends will be hurt, but hey--you find love where you find it. Tell her the truth, and hope she'll be understanding. Her only option is to accept it or lose a friend, right? Forget about the parents. If they have something to say, respectfully proclaim your adulthood.
Beastiegirl5 Beastiegirl5 8 years
Be tactful- don't show up to a function all over each other. But if you've been seeing each other for 6 months, then by all means, go to that function as a date and behave yourselves. If her parents and your parents have been friends for years, then they'll continue to be friends. I'm sure they've survived other smaller spats. I think you're still more concerned about her. Guess what- you slept with your best friend's ex, even if he was your friend first. That's going to hurt some feelings. However, it sounds as though she has an inkling that the two of you were more compatible anyway. And if she stopped talking to you two ages ago just for speaking to each other, then maybe she has gotten over it. Either way, it sounds like your friendship with her can't be salvaged. So buck up and go out with your guy. If she makes a scene, smile, don't rise to the bait, and gracefully exit. Maybe she'll be indifferent about it. Don't make drama where there isn't any. As for your parents- they're are adults, so they'll sort things out.
CYL CYL 8 years
Your parents and her parents are adults....and will handle it in that matter. I don't think her parents would get mad at your parents for you hooking up with her ex...they may think not so great thoughts about worst but I don't understand how it would ruin their friendship?
Berlin Berlin 8 years
Are you kidding me? How old are you? Sorry to sound harsh but I think it'd be very childish to think that her parents would care about what you're doing with their daughter's ex. I mean they do have more important things in life to deal with and I'm sure their world does not revolve around you. It is very rare for young 'love' to last anyways so I'm sure they don't even factor you into their lives, even if you have been friends with their daughter since childhood and you are all close. I think you're thinking a bit to highly of the impact you have.
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