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You Asked: I Don't Want to Be Used Anymore

You Asked: I Don't Want to Be Used Anymore

Dear Sugar,

I have been hooking up with a guy for about a month now and he continues to surprise me by how genuinely sweet he is every time we hook up. Unfortunately though, he doesn't want a relationship — he has considered it many times but something always changes his mind.

I continually get angry at myself for allowing him to, for lack of a better word, use me. On many occasions I tried to just be friends with him, but we always end up going back to the same old thing. He's been very vocal about not wanting a relationship, but I'm left confused because his actions tell me something different. Is there hope for us? — Wanting More Maureen

To see DearSugar's answer


Dear Wanting More Maureen,

While actions speak louder than words, I think you should take what he says to heart this time. A month is a pretty long time to hook up without taking it to the next level, so if you're left unfulfilled with the relationship you have, I suggest you cut ties and move on. If he does come to the realization that he wants something more, revisit the situation, but until then, put yourself first. Feeling like you're being used will eventually wreak havoc on your self-esteem.


Join The Conversation
mochalatte233 mochalatte233 8 years
I'm actually in this situation right now. He's my best friend and he really seems like someone so trustworthy, and then next thing you know, he makes out with me then talks about the girls he has crushes on. It's so frustrating, but reading many of the responses, I need to man up and tell him to stop, or I'll keep feeling like crap.
betty86 betty86 8 years
i feel d same way 2 cos somethin like dis is actually happenin 2 me 2 and i am so confused bcos we both like each other so much but i guess he is jst scared 2 move 2 d next stage and i wnt dat 2 happen so much, yes d sex is great but i wnt more than dat or am i askin 4 2 much
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
All I see here is "I'm putting out for nothing and he's only using me for sex!" Um... what? =) You need to stop having sex with him if you feel your casual relationship should be more than um... casual.
penguinee13 penguinee13 8 years
I also have been in this situation, and I foolishly let it last for 9 months. 9 months of pure agony and heartbreak, tears and low self-esteem, just misery all around. He was telling me it would never get serious but I refused to let go. I kept going back to him even though I knew deep inside he would never come around. This guy is definitely using you but you are also letting him do this to you. I know your heart tells you different but please, please listen to your head. You can't be friends with this guy either, because you'll always let it go back into a physical relationship and you'll be stuck. It's been 2 years and I'm still trying to get over it. If you let it last longer, it'll be that harder to get over.
fashionplate525 fashionplate525 8 years
I have been in your shoes, girl! It is definitely a tough situation, especially considering that a few times he openly has considered having a relationship. I would be confused, too. I think the best thing to do is either stop hooking up/hanging out with him and find a man who is ready to commit, or take it for what it is as a hook up. Good luck!
GScott86 GScott86 8 years
He's not using you, or maybe you're 'letting' him use you? But not really. He told you what he wants, not it's up to you to decide what you want. He obviously doesn't want anything more form you than sex and pretend friendship. Why don't you keep your dignity and cut him out of your life. Unless you just want someone for sex on the side, then get rid of him. It really isn't that hard.
lindssaurussss lindssaurussss 8 years
you know what hun i went through the same thing. some of the replies are right your feeling like he is using you but its because you are letting it happen. he has already made it clear he doesnt want a relationship, having sex when he wants isnt gonna change. im sorry. your self-esteem is so low you feel like you cant do better and feel like you have to put up with it. your addicted to him and his charming ways. i was seeing someone for 2 months and became FWB for about a few months and felt he wanted to be with me but stringed me along. when i would try to stop seeing him i was just so miserable i ended up hooking up again, I got pulled into his strong personality. i was angry at him for a long time. but alot of it was my fault too i was head over heels for someone who didnt fully appreciate me. you need to stop making contact with him, see if he starts making contact after you stopped. i would just take time to yourself. he knows what hes doing if you are the one talking about relationships with him. your letting him string you along. go out with new people.
KadBunny KadBunny 8 years
So do I itsme. Anyways, I'm sure the girl is aware on some level that she's not being used. Like she said she just can't think of a better way to describe it. I felt the same way when I was in her shoes; I felt used and I was angry for feeling used at all because the guy was forward about it as well. It was just hard to stop. Maybe you're still holding on because it's just plain hard to give up the sex or you hope that maybe there's a slim chance it will go the next level. If you want to know what happened to me: it didn't go further. I just stopped talking to him. It was extremely hard, yeah, but not as hard as it was playing that guessing game (that wasn't supposed to be a guessing game in the first place when he laid his cards out on the table from the very beginning). Good luck to you.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
Stop! Get a hobby - I suggest knitting! seriously! forget about this guy!
itsme3683 itsme3683 8 years
Just sounds like another guy who knows how to play the game and tell you what you want to hear. Wish I could say I hadn't been there.
khadeekiinsz khadeekiinsz 8 years
Um, he's not that into you. And he's being honest.
Marci Marci 8 years
He's not using you. He's telling you he doesn't want a relationship and you keep giving it to him anyway. Stop hanging out with him completely.
dm8bri dm8bri 8 years
He's being sweet so you keep giving him sex. His words tell you what's really going on, so if you want more that just sex about of a relationship, move on (fast) to a guy who wants to same things.
queenlizzie queenlizzie 8 years
Wow, I think people are being a bit harsh. My current boyfriend (of 5 1/2 years) was just a FWB for about 9 months before we made it official, and he had the same concerns about commitment during those 9 months. Sometimes it DOES work out if you wait it out, and sometimes men have commitment issues that go beyond "he's a jerk" or "he's just using you." Geez.
karjofas86 karjofas86 8 years
i was in the same situation.. i can totally relate to that...but once i took a step back and cut every string attached.. i felt much better and realize i am so much better than that, i had the right to the full package!!!
sprinkibrio sprinkibrio 8 years
Call him up and tell him you don't think you should see him anymore. Break it off, girly, on the phone NOW. He is using you and you will not be in a relationship with him for whatever reason! It's happened to me and ditching the guy was the most empowering thing ever. Get used to breaking up with guys, it makes you strong.
chatondeneige chatondeneige 8 years
Well said, spiderlove! And I agree with Pop, you're not being used at all, honey. He's being honest with you, which a lot of people wouldn't be in the same situation. You're a grown up, it's time to make choices. Either stay with him purely for sex, or leave him and look for someone who wants a relationship with you. He's told you what his expectations of the relationship are, and if you choose not to live with those, you can choose to leave.
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
everything popgoestheworld said plus, you don't need to be his friend,either.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
This is a non-question. You're being "used" (which you aren't) by a guy who has been abundantly clear about what he wants (and doesn't want). If you don't like it, leave him! And yes, you can. It's as easy as saying good bye and having some backbone.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 8 years
He's not using you if you're allowing him to do this to you. No one can use you unless given a permission by you. At least, he's honest about not wanting a relationship with you, just move on and send him on his way (tell him you want a real relationship, if he doesn't want it with you, to stop calling you altogether). Your giving in to him every time will not sway him, he's not going to magically want a relationship with you. No one can sway a guy with great sex, I mean, he can have great sex too with other women. Please just cut it off, and if you can't, don't come crying and moaning how he's using you. You know better.
vmruby vmruby 8 years
It's not his fault it's yours.Stop making yourself the victim because you aren't.Grow a pair, tell him it's over and stop allowing yourself to be used as a f*ck buddy.
Smacks83 Smacks83 8 years
If you are letting do whatever he wants to, he isn't using you. You are allowing yourself to be used. Don't let him walk all over you and then cry because you don't like it. And I agree with Ski, be thankful he is at least being upfront and saying "I don't want a relationship" instead of saying he wants one and cheating on you.
Spectra Spectra 8 years
Of course he's being really sweet to you when you hook're giving him no-strings-attached sex, for cryin' out loud. He doesn't want a relationship; just sex. So if you want a relationship, look for a different guy. If you want to just keep randomly hooking up with this guy without taking it to the next level, that's your choice.
kismekate kismekate 8 years
If he liked you enough, he'd be with you. Bottom line. I'm sorry.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
You're no victim here, honey.
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