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You Asked: I Hate His Friends

Dear Sugar,

Things are really great between my boyfriend and I right now except for issues we're having surrounding his friends. We used to all be friends but when my boyfriend and I first started dating, they decided they didn't want to share him and blamed me for taking up all his free time. They would talk badly about me and whenever he and I were alone, they would send him text messages guilting him into hanging out with them. Eventually they convinced him that he wasn't happy and he broke up with me.

A few months later, he came begging for me back, saying he was wrong to have listened to them. He told me that if they weren't OK with us being together then he'd cut ties with them. According to him, his friends have come to accept us and have promised to be nice to me, but I just don't want to spend time with them! Why should I be friends with people who are only nice to me because someone made them be? I'm happy with my real friends but he gets upset that he spends so much time with my friends, and I don't spend time with his. What should I do?

—Not So Friendly Nat

To see Dear Sugar's answer

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Dear Not So Friendly Nat,

First of all, I think it's important to recognize that while his friends may be a negative influence on your relationship, they did not force your boyfriend to break up with you. Notice how once he put his foot down, they started changing their ways. While often times it can seem like outside influences are causing issues in a relationship, it's often the problem between the couple that comes first.

That said, it certainly seems like your boyfriend is trying to change both himself and his friends. He's obviously told them how he expects them to act towards you, and he's made an effort to spend time with your friends, which are both steps in the right direction. I can understand why you're not thrilled at the prospect of hanging out with his friends, but I think you're hurting your relationship by not giving them a second chance.

Put your best face forward and try divvying up your time with both sets of friends. Do your best to be the bigger person and kill them with kindness. If their behavior hasn't changed, I don't think you should have to spend time with them, but before you make any rash decisions, try giving them one more chance. Good luck.

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CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
I blame technology
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 9 years
Wow...sleepless and kristin... People write in for advice...not to have the advice given dissected into a thousand pieces serving only as more confusion than they had to begin with. I think it's smart to read between the lines a little because usually we don't get the whole story and you kind of have to read between the lines. Sometimes it's beneficial to relate a personal experience to what the poster is going through...even if it isn't identical to the original post it will give some real-life perspective for the poster to relate to.
sleeplessly sleeplessly 9 years
I agree that the ideal would be to have the whole story, but we'll never get it. And trying to figure out what it is might do a disservice to a person who is actually asking for help in the situation. These aren't friends, or people we know personally. We don't know their personality or their attitudes toward the other people in their lives. I just think that maybe we should just take the post as the whole story and try to deal with it that way, and not look at these posts as ways to judge other women. I don't mean to say that's what you were doing here. I guess I've seen it a lot and don't really understand why some people will take a simple request for advice and turn it into some sort of "I'm better than you because..." type thing. Again, not accusing you, I'm just frustrated and ranting. I'll get off my soap box and show myself out now.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
Yes I agree, but I think that's the investigative instinct that women have. I have a hard time NOT trying to read between the lines (and not meaning I'm looking for blame or something to point out wrong). The story is never the whole story to me and sometimes you need the whole story to give an opinion/advice.
sleeplessly sleeplessly 9 years
Well that's a much better explanation. But not everyone's situation is the same. I just think that sometimes we start trying to read between the lines in these posts, searching for things these women have done wrong, instead of just addressing the issue presented.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
I wasn't projecting anything on her. Maybe I just didn't word what I was trying to say correctly or to your liking (I was kind of in a rush too). I was trying to explain that maybe, his friends really do want to try being friends with her, but it takes both sides. And in my opinion both sides of this group sound childish, but Sh*t happens. Just because she doesn't like that they were being stupid and childish in the beginning doesn't mean she shouldn't try to put forth some effort in the end, be the bigger person. I have a lot of male friends/family and they all tend to mess around with eachother about being "whipped" and their GF running their lives and they aren't allowed to do anything, blah blah blah (even if it's not really the case). I just don't think there is any reason she can't try to get to know them. They might feel bad about talking badly about her.
sleeplessly sleeplessly 9 years
You have to be willing to compromise. He seems to be putting some effort into making things work, you should be willing to hang out with his friends for at least one night, just to see how things go. It could be a little uncomfortable at first, but it would show your boyfriend that you're committed to making things work with him. If its too uncomfortable or completely unenjoyable for you, then talk to him about it and try to figure something out. And Kristinh1012, I think this poster should only remind you of your brother's girlfriend if at first your famliy didn't like her monopolizing all of his time and decided to be jerks to him about it for awhile until he grew a backbone and told all of you to knock it off. I seriously, from the post provided, see absolutely no reason for you to project your family issues on this (assumingly) young woman who is just asking for some simple advice.
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 9 years
This guy doesn't have any backbone if he allowed his friends to persuade him to break things off with you. Do you want a guy like that? How old are you? I agree with the commenters above who stated this seems like high school BS.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
You sound just like my brothers girlfriendof 9 1/2 years. Most of the reason we don't like her is because she never does anything with us. We are all very close in my family and friends circle. My brother is torn between us and his GF. We've all just accepted the fact that he loves her and that's who he wants to be with. And we would like to try to have a relationship with her, but she puts forth absolutely NO effort to get to know us at all. She actually bought a house directly across from us and we NEVER ever see her, she NEVER comes over with my brother (she's always welcome and knows this) and we NEVER go over her house. To us, we just figure she's too much of a self centered bitch to try to get to know everyone so we stopped trying all together.
7kimba7 7kimba7 9 years
Let's pretend that all the stuff the friends said are baseless and that they were just being jerks (since we don't have any info on what happened there). I would hang out with them once or twice and see how it goes. if you still don't like them, then hang out with friends separately. I have friends who don't like my boyfriend, so I only make plans to see them when my boyfriend has other plans.
mlen mlen 9 years
ok so the bf was dumb to begin with but he's obviously trying to make an effort now and has apologized, so maybe its time to meet him half way- or at least 1/3 of the way. if you are going to be dating him for a long time, eventually you are going to have to hang with his friends. and its obviously important to him that you hang with his friends. so explain to the bf that they make you uncomfortable but you are willing to try it. maybe start small at first- like a night your bf is going out with them, meet up with them later in the evening- that way you aren't forced to spend the whole night with them. or bring a friend of yours along for support- that way you are hanging out, but not forced to converse with them the entire time. also, just tell your bf that if you are feeling uncomfortable, that he respect your wishes if you want to leave. he'll prob appreciate that you are making an effort.
kandisantonette kandisantonette 9 years
whatever vibe you send them, they'll pick up, and vice versa. so if you be the bigger person and send them love(in your mind), give them positivity in your head, I'm sure hanging out with them wont be so awkward and unpleasant.
Rebekaaahh Rebekaaahh 9 years
This is a really sucky situation and I'm sorry, but just remember to take the high road. Chances are, if you're sharing him with his friends for a decent amount of time, and you are acting civilly when you two are with your friends, they will eventually come to accept you. Good luck, and just remember to kill them with kindness. :)
cvandoorn cvandoorn 9 years
Doesn't high school just suck?? Lol. It's simple. Since he left you for his friends first, take him back and then dump his ass the next day. Or, take the high road and just ignore him. But wait, you're already back with him and are now having issues with the fake friends. If he's being a good boy and treats you right, then just ignore the friends and enjoy your time with him. No need to be fake nice to his friends, after all, they're not being genuine with you. I mean, you're hanging out with HIM right, and not his friends.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
this is wack, high school, bull. obviously he doesn't like you all THAT much if he dumps you because of his friends. he's a follower. that's a major turn off. secondly, you say that you are sooo bothered by them not liking you, but you don't wanna try to get along(although they are being fake, so i can kinda see your point). i just feel like this is silly kid stuff. i didn't have these problems when i was in high school . . .
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
Wow, tough break. I was in the same situation and younger men seem to find it hard to choose between friends and love. Especially when they have immature buddies who make fun of them and nag at them to break it off. It's awful that your boyfriend listened to them but it sounds like he is trying to change what happened. I can understand why you would be so uncomfortable hanging out with them, especially since they have made it known that they don't want you around. I think that you should hang out with them once in awhile so your boyfriend doesn't feel like it's one sided. He should also understand that you have every right to be uncomfortable and he should tell his friends how unwelcome they have made you feel.
wiciltd wiciltd 9 years
I was going to ask the same questions that irose asked, but she already posed them.. My fiance has a best friend that he's had since he was wee.. When him and I got together this friend used to call me up and cuss me out and tell me that a fat ugly thing like me isn't good enough for him and blah blah blah.. It all boiled down to him being jealous that my other half didn't devote all his attention to him.. They stopped talking for a few months and his friend apologized and now we're all civil.. I dislike this friend immensely, but I had a huge conversation with my other half about it and how I am not comfortable with him.. So I am not expected to hang out with him, and when he is here I am civil.. His friend in turn understands why I am not comfortable with him.. and we are just polite to each other.. I also do not stand in the way of their friendship, encourage my other half to spend time with him I would just have a conversation with your other half, explain to him how it makes you feel to be around his friends and he should respect that...
Berlin Berlin 9 years
I think that you should grow and be the mature one here and stop playing games. You think they will ever come to like you truly if you are too immature to take a step towards fixing the problem? Then you will be playing into their complaints! Make the move, suck it up and try to be all friends, if you make an effort then they will see that you are good for him. They may be just as immature, but if you love your boyfriend and want him to have both you and his friends, then you need to bend a bit.
iRose iRose 9 years
Well what I want to know is, did you use to monopolize your boyfriend's free time in the first instance? Were you the type of gf that threw a fit everytime he wanted to go out with the boys, making him feel guilty about it thus staying home with you? You said that they didn't like you but you never gave a specific reason why they thought you took up all of his time. Now it's not fair that he has to spend time with your friends but you don't want to spend time with his. Put the shoe on your foot, would you like it if you spent time with his friends but he didn't want to spend time with yours? Infact why can't you just go out with your friends without him, and he goes out with his? You have to make up your mind about this one, his friends seem willing to meet you half way, are you willing to meet them. From what I've seem with men, girlfriends come and go but friends stay forever.
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