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You Asked: I Hate My Boyfriend's Friends

You Asked: I Hate My Boyfriend's Friends

Dear Sugar,

I recently moved to be closer to my boyfriend, and it's been really hard on me. All I have is work and him, and haven't been making any real friends. My boyfriend on the other hand gets to have me and his friends close to him, and it's just not fair. I don't like to hang out with him and his friends because all they do is drink and get wasted. They're totally immature and not the kind of people I want to spend time with.

When I want to do things on my own we end up in a lengthy discussion because he gets upset that I want to do things without him. It made me realize that he's really insecure. We're completely compatible when we're alone, but since I don't want to hang out with him and his friends, it causes problems with our social life. How much does that factor and is staying with him holding me back from being fully satisfied as a person — with both a social life and a romantic life?

—Can't Stand His Friends Fran

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Can't Stand His Friends Fran,

Although you are dating your boyfriend, in a way you are also dating his friends because they come with the whole boyfriend package. There's nothing wrong with not liking them, but you shouldn't feel like you have to hang out with them or that you're not allowed to make your own friends.

Your boyfriend has to understand that your feelings for his drinking buddies have nothing to do with how you feel about him. You should be able to hang out with other people, and do the things you love and want to do without him getting upset. He wants you to be happy right? How fair is it that he gets to do what he wants with his friends, but that he gives you the guilt trip when you want to do the same?

Talk to him about how you're feeling and work out a compromise. When he hangs out with his friends, then you can spend time making your own. The only way this relationship will be holding you back is if your boyfriend's words or actions prevent you from doing what you choose to do. If he is constantly convincing you not to live your life the way you want, then that's a controlling behavior and a form of emotional abuse. If that's the case, then you're never going to be happy, and I'd get out of this relationship ASAP. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
Blackwood Blackwood 8 years
he sounds so controlling. and you not making any friends because of his insecurity is your fault... you're grown up enough to move in with your boyfriend but not to stand up for your own bloody self?? wtf?? and the fact that he's comfortable with this situation, trying to keep it that way, and not preoccupied for your happiness and you adapting in your new place rings some alarms too...
Cassandra57 Cassandra57 9 years
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you don't like his friends, he's probably not a good match for you. If they're his friends, it's presumably because they share common interests. I would seriously reconsider the relationship and the relocation. And don't blame him because you took the leap to follow him--apparently without a firm commitment--that was your choice.
Gdeeaz Gdeeaz 9 years
Men are always different when they are with their friends. If you think they are immature, news flash your boyfriend is also immature. If you really care about this guy, you will accept his friends for who they are, because they are always going to be there. You can join clubs, or go to a gym and meet people on your own. Maybe your boyfriend doesnt like the idea of you going out alone, because its not safe. Plz do not be one of those girls who makes her boyfriend choose between them or his friends. Most of the time they will pick their friends. most guys live by the saying "bros before hoes"
klandrach klandrach 9 years
Stop pouting about how unfair things are and get out there and do something for yourself. Join a gym, take a class, volunteer, there are a million things to do where you can meet people and not be so clingy. His friends are his friends and he obviously likes them for a reason.
cubadog cubadog 9 years
It is not his fault that he has friends and you don't. You made the decision to move closer to your boyfriend who is already established so of course he is going to have guys he drinks with. If you want this relationship to last than you need to start making an effort to get to know these guys I am sure there is more to them then drinking. You might even discover they have girlfriends that you want to get to know. Find your own life soon otherwise you will drive your boyfriend away with your dependence on him.
red4bonez red4bonez 9 years
do those guys have girlfriends or sisters? maybe you could make friends with them? And why not hang out sometime just you and your boyfriend alone without his friends? I mean his friends came with him. I dont like some ofmy boyfriends friends but i got him to understand that while he is hanging out with his friends i would like to do something on my own as well. Hm I guess talk to him, even tho you most likely did already.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
so if you think they are "totally immature" wouldnt that include your boyfriend? and how mature is it to move closer to a boyfriend and than complain about the lack of friends and how "unfair" it is.
chakra_healer chakra_healer 9 years
No reason to hate people who will always be there. It is best to make them your friends or at least allow them to like you as a person. Because when and if you guys ever have problems, he will go to these very friends for support and if you have alienated them, your relationship is doomed. As everyone said, you need to find your own friends and activities. No one relationship fulfills every need, If you moved to be closer to the BF because this was your thinking - this situation is a welcome dose of reality.
runnergeek runnergeek 9 years
i agree with getstinko. let me tell you, i was in a very similiar situation with my boyfriend, several years ago. he was constantly wanting to hang out with this friends, who were hard core was truly a way for him to not grow up, IMHO. fast forward to today..he is no longer, clinging to friends the way he used to, but the point that getstinko makes is a valid one, he never grew up. he replaced partying with friends with other types of childish behaviors and to be honest it is ultimately what led to our divorce. i am not saying this will happen to you, all im saying is best to be aware of these issues upfront..
sugarbritches sugarbritches 9 years
I think you need to take a step back and make decisions based on what is good for YOU. Find your own interests and be content and confident in yourself. Maybe he will come around, but if you keep disagreeing, hit the bricks and don't look back.
getstinko getstinko 9 years
men who just want to hang out with their pals and get drunk are clinging to some immature college reality, an acceptable convention is the Sunday football game or Saturday golf - even those should not be weekly. This fellow isn't a man yet, he's still a boy or a teenager - men move past getting drunk with pals and focus on building a future.
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
You made a HUGE decision to move to be with your man. I can't believe you didn't know all this BEFORE you moved! This is pretty simple information which leads me to believe that you didn't truly know your man all that well before you made such a big decision. You also can't blame him for having friends you knew this before hand also...right? If your all of a sudden figuring out that he and his group are so immature and get wasted a lot maybe he's not who you thought he was. He should definitely be putting his woman before his immature friends so I would really re-evaluate this whole thing. Maybe you just made a mistake, by moving, and that needs to be fixed! Good Luck!
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
I don't agree with the friends take place before the girlfriend. My boyfriend used to hang out with a really shady group of friends. It took him awhile to see that they were negative influences and that he outgrew them. He always tells me that he would choose be before any friendships because I'm the one that will always be there for him. It really depends on the relationship and how long you have been together. My boyfriend still hangs out with a few select friends and I let him hang out with them. I rather not because they are just not people I would like to be around. So we compromise and hang out with our own friends. I still like to get clued in on what he did and who he hangs out with.
TFS TFS 9 years
hmm i agree with the post above, if he ever had to choose between you or his friends, he'd probs pick his friends. i know how hard it is to try and get along with your boyfriends friends because their always different with you when he is around his friends. which is totally annoying. good luck though!
NdHebert NdHebert 9 years
His friends were there before you, and will be after you.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
It's not "fair" that he has friends and you don't? You make it sounds like it's his fault or something, like you weren't part of the decision to move closer to him. How often does your BF hang with his friends? Nightly? Weekly? And what does your BF do? Does he drink with them, or sit there and watch them get drunk? Personally, I wouldn't date a guy who got wasted with his friends every night. But if he went out with his buddies once a week while I did my own thing, I wouldn't see a problem. You'll make friends in time and you'll be able to go out with them instead. As for not being fully satisfied as a person, I think that's on YOU to fix. Go out and make your life what you want it to be. You'll know soon enough if he helps or hurts the process.
lilwildone1202 lilwildone1202 9 years
its a shame that none of his friends have girlfriends. i moved three hours to be with my boyfriend for his last semester of college and it was all his friends and girl who i knew from before i moved up there. luckily, his group of friends had a corresponding girl group and i got along with them awesome and when my boy wanted to go out with the guys...i'd be happy too bc i knew my girls would be showing up later.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Nothing to argue about, you need other relationships of your own. You can't nor should you live and breath for him and his. If he decides he needs to "fight" you on this, id say you should reconsider your relationship.
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