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You Asked: I Have Feelings for my Best Friend

Dear Sugar

I am in my 3rd year of medical school. On one of the first days of getting to school, I met a guy who was very nice, shy and geeky. He just came right up to me and said I looked normal and we became very close friends, studying together, watching movies, hanging out in school, etc. I was in a relationship that was very bad, and he was always there for me, although he did not like my boyfriend at the time. He expressed his dislike often and it was very hard on him to watch me continue my relationship, which I now realize.

While I was still with my boyfriend, he would always tell me he thought my buddy had feelings for me. I ignored his accusations, but then slowly started to see the signs; in fact they were quite obvious. Towards the end of my relationship, I developed feelings for him as well. I found myself wanting to see him and be with him, and every time I wasn't with him, I was very distracted. I tried to block this out of my head, because I would never want to lose our friendship. That was 7 months ago, and these feelings have come back, and really bad. I have dated people, which he has known about, and I have tried to fight this, but it wont go away.

To make matters more difficult, we are of different cultural backgrounds and while my culture and parents wouldn't mind us being together, his would. This only adds to my problem, because I know this makes it even more impossible for me to even hope of one day being together. I feel like to be his friend I need to respect this aspect of his life, at the cost of my feelings. It has gotten to the point where I am losing sleep and am at a total loss, please help! --Tongue Tied Tanya

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Tongue Tied Tanya--
Ok, while you are preparing yourself for the worst case scenario, I think you would be doing yourself a great disservice if you continued to fight your feelings. It sounds as though you have a real connection with this guy and from what you have told me, it is pretty obvious he feels the same way about you. With that said, make sure your feelings are just, as we oftentimes mistake love with loneliness.

Keeping silent is clearly eating you up inside. Fear of the unknown is usually worse than taking the risk so I think you should tell him how you feel. Since you are bound to catch him off guard, make sure you talk to him in a setting where you both feel comfortable. Be yourself and be honest. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable. Let him know how concerned you have been about potentially changing your friendship, but at the same time, express that it has gotten too difficult to suppress your feelings any longer.

Many couples overcome obstacles far worse than cultural differences, and while it may seem like a no win situation, if your bond is strong enough, I have faith you can overcome anything. Good luck-- this could be a great new chapter in your relationship!


Join The Conversation
nathalhya nathalhya 10 years
I have been there.. ten years ago i had the best friend you could have, he was my everything, we were in high school, and our friendship was so naive, so simple, we love our company.. but my best friend fell for him and she actually ask me to introduce her to him and i did, and after seeing them together i realize that i was soooo jealous because that girl could be me... then we go to college and she was far away from us, in the weeks he was the person i hang out with, he was in another college but every afternoon he was there waiting for me to go somewhere..i was in love with him and i couldn't tell him.. she was so bad with him , she cheated on him twice, she wasn't the best girlfriend..then i meet someone and that relationship ended...i missed him so much he was my other half.. years later they married and they had a kid and i actually saw them in the medical office and the things that i feel for him i felt it again, and i felt so bad and every time i saw him i felt the same thing.. and then i found out the he was in love with me all time since the beginning and we never told each other about our feelings NEVER..he told my sister the he was ready to risk our friendship telling me that he loves me... I'm married to a wonderful husband but i always thought about how things could turn out if i had said to him that i was in love with him... i regret not tell him at that time.. that's something that he is never going to find out .. so forget about his family or whatever, if your are not tight go and tell him your are gonna regret it like i do..
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 10 years
I think the best relationships are those that start out as friends. When I met my husband I didn't feel a connection with him right away even though he always wanted something romantic it wasn't until 2 years later we became really good friends, best friends and I realized he was the one I wanted to share my life with I could not imagine spending my life with someone else or him with someone else. I don't think you have any doubt about your feelings for him you might be scared to lose his friendship if something goes wrong but you'll never know what could've been unless you're actually toguether and you'll always wonder.
nessabum nessabum 10 years
you two sound like you get along well together. whatever hardships you will face, it sounds like you guys have a very strong relationship and will be able to get through them. best of luck.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
come on here! you are both intelligent, educated people and are respectful of each others feelings. ask him over for dinner or out to a ball game and tell him flat out how you feel. don't say "i think you feel...." or "even my ex said..." just how you feel. here's the thing, and you must be thinking about this in the back of your mind. each of you will soon be considering post med school options. do you want to limit your choices based on where he will be going for the next couple of years? or have him limit his choices based on the same for you? long distance relationships are difficult. add the schedule of a medical resident and you got yourself a super stressful situation. think about that.
a-gentle-rain a-gentle-rain 10 years
I say go for it! Lots of people can bounce back into friendship, even if one pereson's feelings are not returned. You guys get along very well, and it sounds like the feeling is smmutual. I wish you the best of luck and hope it works out better for you than it did me (they guy wassn't my good friend though. and he had a meanstreak I mistook for a strange sense of humor)
SU3 SU3 10 years
I couldn't have said it any better than grl in the world. Don't ignore your feelings for him. If you want this to work out - don't let anything get in your way. Be honest him and take chances! :) good luck
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
You really need to talk to your friend and be honest about your feelings. Since it sounds like he feels the same way I'm sure he wont be surprised by what you say. Cultural difference don't have to be a dealbreaker, if you really want to make it work you'll find a way! This guy could be "the one"!! Don't let your chance for a wonderful relationship slip away!
pixiechick pixiechick 10 years
I also aree. You should go for it! If you dont you'll always wonder what if...
Marci Marci 10 years
I can't say that I really understand why you're fighting your feelings towards this guy at all. Strong feelings like you describe towards someone you know so well are few and far between, and I think you'd be crazy not to explore it. I agree with Dear: There are greater obstacles than cultural that people have overcome, so don't shortchange yourself. Go for it!
andaman andaman 10 years
Sorry I misread your post, it seems you don't have a boyfriend anymore, well in that case i think you should tell your friend you have feelings for him. I honestly do not think you two will end up ignoring each other after you've told him. You need to talk to him openly and I have a feeling he's feeling something too. If he says it makes him feel uncomfortable you need to back off. But if i were you i would definately tell him.
andaman andaman 10 years
Someone else had this problem not so long ago here. I would forget about the idea of being with him romatically altogether. I think sometimes we want what we can't have. You have a boyfriend also my dear. I would spend less time with him and go out more with other people. No you shouldn't go for it at all. Have strength.
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