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You Asked: I Keep Sabotaging My Relationship

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. Most of that year has been spent in petty arguments that I have created. I love him very much and we are great together when we aren't fighting. I have promised to change things many times, but I just can't, even though I desperately want to. I'm afraid I've damaged things too much. I just want to show him that I can treat him well and that this relationship means the world to me. — Wanting to Change Chanel

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Dear Wanting to Change Chanel,

The fact that you're aware that you're the cause of these arguments, yet you still start them, leads me to believe there is a whole lot more going on here. Are you rocking the boat to get attention from your boyfriend? Are you doing it because you like making up with him? If there really is no good reason, I advise you to try harder to put a stop to them because if you don't, you just might push him to the breaking point.

The only way he'll know how much you care is by you showing him and putting forth the effort to change. Tell him how much you love him, and do whatever you can to avoid those petty arguments. If you need help figuring out why you pick these fights, I suggest talking to a therapist, as there could be some deep-rooted issues going on that you're completely unaware of which are manifesting through these fights. Additionally, keep the lines of communication open with your boyfriend. The more you talk through any issues that come up, the less likely an argument will ensue. Breaking a pattern isn't easy, and it won't happen overnight, but hopefully he'll see that you're trying and in time, things will fall into place. Good luck.

Join The Conversation
Kat-E Kat-E 8 years
I started therapy too. It's been good for helping me sort out what's actually a legitimate thing to discuss with my boyfriend and what needs to be dropped/accepted. I am a full-supporter of getting therapy just so you can talk to someone else who is unbiased (and not one of your single girlfriends) before you confront him about it too.
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
i feel like sometimes i do instigate fights as well and i'm not 100% sure why i do it. my fiance tells me that sometimes i do things for attention which i don't think is the case and since i dont' realize that i'm doing it while i'm in the moment, it just makes things worse. lately i've been trying to change, but i wonder if this is my way of saying that i'm better off on my own.
ESPNgirl ESPNgirl 8 years
3 months into* therapy, I should mention ;) I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 1/2 years. :)
ESPNgirl ESPNgirl 8 years
Please, go to therapy. I started going to therapy back in June because I felt like I was sabotaging my relationship and myself (and I don't think my boyfriend would disagree). Since then, our relationship has been BETTER THAN EVER. It's nice to have someone to vent to about things - they really give you an unbiased perspective and I am able to dissect what it is my boyfriend is saying to me from someone who doesn't know him but also how to respond in a more constructive way. It seems so simple, but it's so much harder to do. 3 months in, we are happier than we've been in months :)
g1amourpuss g1amourpuss 8 years
Girl, if you like this guy so much why do you want to treat him like sh!t? Would you want him to do the things you're doing to him to you instead? You can't take back the bad things you to or say in a relationship. If he means the world to you then treat him like it.
Seka21 Seka21 8 years
I used to do this only thing is he didnt know i was.. it was so sad because everyone was telling me bad advice..'dump him, you clearly dont love him' but i do. I was just scared of being in a relationship that basically ment i would never date again Sometimes we resent the people we are with (especially when young) because we know they are the last person we will ever kiss. Its scary so you star behaving like a real $hi+ !
lilCROAT03 lilCROAT03 8 years
wow did i write this while i was sleepwalking? i feel like i wrote this post- seriously. bc of all the pettiness it's been really hard for us. however, i have changed A LOT. i've been doing a lot better bc i just count to 10. the thing is now that he keeps bringing up past arguments and won't let us move forward. just try to cool it as soon as you want to argue ask yourself if you're going to regret it in 5 min.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
I agree - seek therapy. Basically, you're mistreating him. You're treating him like your emotional punching bag. If you truly love (or value) him, you will resolve your psychological issue, and stop abusing him. Be motivated by your love for him. Put your love first, not your issues. Good luck.
theflyinghorse theflyinghorse 8 years
I agree that therapy will definitely help you. I agree that it might be something that is deep seeded since you are having difficulty stopping yourself. The same is going on with me and my boy. I see myself starting fights over the dumbest, tiniest things that bother me. One thing that helps me is to think whatever is bothering me through before I react or say anything to him. This usually works.. but it is hard to apply this, lol. Good luck!
Lovely_1 Lovely_1 8 years
I do this a lot too with mine :( I feel so bad...and I love him SO much. I know why I do it too...I still have a lto of baggage and issues from long long ago that I haven't dealt with yet. Right now, I am in process of going in to talk to someone...I need to make me right so that we can work.
quitecontrary quitecontrary 8 years
One thing- therapy. I don't want to sound mean at all, but I really think that you might have something going on inside that even you don't know how to control. If you truly love him and you really want to change, if you haven't been able to do it by now- you might be harboring some issues that go much deeper. There is no shame in it at all- it just might be the best thing you'll ever do for yourself to ensure that you don't sabotage all your future relationships! Mental health is like physical health- it must be maintained and if there are even small problems, they must be looked at. Good luck!
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