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You Asked: I Need Closure

Dear Sugar,

For the past few months I had been seeing this great guy. He said and did sweet things for me the entire time we were dating. However, I recently discovered through a text message that he accidentally sent to me, that he's been in contact with another girl. We had already been intimate and it shocked me to find out he was seeing someone else — especially since he denied it early on in our relationship.

I was really hurt since he was the first guy I've liked in a long time. I wanted to stay strong and stand my ground, so I confronted him about the text message. He initially denied it, but eventually fessed up. I never got an explanation as to how long his two-timing has been going on or why he decided to see other girls behind my back. Instead, I just stopped talking to him. He kept asking that we meet in person to talk about things. He told me that he truly missed me and wanted to "get past the situation." I agreed to meet with him after a few requests, since I wanted to explain how much he had hurt me.

But as soon as I agreed, he became unreliable and difficult to reach. In the end we never talked about it. I'm not sure why, but part of me still wants to tell him how he wronged me. I'm worried that if I told him in a voicemail or email, I'd never hear back from him and only end up feeling foolish. I could really use your advice for some peace of mind.

— Bothered Beth

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Bothered Beth,

Though I don't want to devalue your feelings for him, I think in the long run you'll be happy this guy accidentally let you in on his two-timing ways. Learning to let go is difficult, but you might be surprised how a little bit of time will do the trick. I think you're right about calling or emailing him — it's unlikely that you'll hear back. And as satisfying as you think it might be to let him have it, in the end, he'll still be the same guy and you'll still feel wounded. Instead, try writing a letter with everything you've had building up inside you. Write until you can't write anymore, but don't send it. Sometimes getting it all out is more important than having an audience to get it out, too; plus, next time you're feeling wistful about him, you can read your letter to remind you why you're better off without him.


cowgirlredd cowgirlredd 9 years
i'm with cubadog and K is for Kait. this guy's idea of dating someone seems really different from your idea of dating someone, and it's important that people in a relationship have a very similar idea of what it MEANS to be in a relationship. i promise, you will find someone who thinks like you do and there won't be a lot of second guessing and mystery. hang tough!
K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 9 years
I think everyone wants closure after a relationship, but nobody really gets it. Even if you did get to confront him, it wouldn't change how you feel about the sitatuion as a while. Real healing can only come from the inside when you realize that it's no fault of yours, you're better off without him, and choose to let yourself move on. It may not be easy, but you can definitely do it.
oliveoyle625 oliveoyle625 9 years
Some jerks are just not worth your time. Move on, you'll find someone better!
rabidmoon rabidmoon 9 years
I agree, I was mad for a guy I knew a few years ago, and after a great few weeks together he inexplicably freaked out and started acting like a jackass...not returning calls, being evasive, and yet denying anything was a problem. I should add that it was he that said the "L" word, he that talked about "being together"...I was really un-pushy and just let him figure out what he wanted. It appears, however, he had no idea. After about a month of it, I finally told him I had enough and wasn't going to hang around where I was not wanted, and he had the nerve to say "You sure assume a lot." I said "You gave me nothing else to go on." In retrospect, this ball-less wonder simply didn't have the guts to face me, and let me break it off instead. If a guy wants you...and really cares.. TRUST ME, you will never doubt it. My current boyfriend is lovely, far more brave and sensitive and honest...he is a constant reminder to me that no woman has to put up with that crap from lesser men!
cubadog cubadog 9 years
Stop waiting around for an explanation that you will never get. If he cared that he hurt you he never would have given you the run around when it came time to get together to discuss what had happened. Delete him from your life and find a new hobby.
winniecooper winniecooper 9 years
Delete him from your phone and email to make it harder for you to hit SEND!!!
tomatoshirt tomatoshirt 9 years
whoever this guy is, needs to grow up...
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
This guy sounds like a slimey liar and a coward. He doesn't care how upset he made you. If he cared about your feelings he wouldn't have done what he did in the first place. None of this is your fault. You just ended up with the wrong guy. If he was in any way sorry or regretful of his behaviour, he would have at least had the common courtesy to talk to you about it. The fact that he did not tells me that he was either too cowardly to hear what you had to say, or not really sorry about it and didn't value you enough to hear what you had to say. Either way, HE is the loser here, not you. Also-it sounds like you had suspicions early on about what he was doing. Next time, trust your own gut instincts and you will be less likely to get hurt. I would say that if you try to contact him, it will first of all: make him think that you are not over him and he might have a chance at getting back with you and screwing you over again or: he will think that you are feeling sorry for yourself. Trust me, I tried to contact my ex because I had some unresolved feelings and this is what happened. You will probably regret it more if you do talk to him then if you don't. It's just kind of maschoistic to want to talk to him again, you will just get hurt again by him, as well as give him power over you again. Just pick up the pieces and move on. Living well is the best revenge. Also: does it really matter how long he was two timing you or why he was doing it? Undoubtedly, it was not anything you did wrong, he is just a loser. It will not make you feel any better to know the details, trust me. Good luck to you.
sundaygreen sundaygreen 9 years
Mkls6044, what a nightmare. Guys are just such dogs sometimes.
mkls6044 mkls6044 9 years
Haha...this totally sounds like my ex-boyfriend!! If he's anything like that guy, you are lucky to be rid of him! I actually did write the email telling him how I felt and not only did he not respond, but he forwarded it to his friends to show them how "crazy" I was!! So I agree with Dear about writing it but not sending it. This guy sounds like he is a jerk and he would have done this to anyone- dont take it personally and when you find someone who is not a jerk you will forget all about him! Good luck :)
appreciated appreciated 9 years
haha I didn't even read sugar's response til after I wrote mine...Great minds think alike!! :)
appreciated appreciated 9 years
I wouldn't contact him...I think it may not work out well. I'd just write out your feelings in a letter to him (hand written!!!) then burn it. After you write it out you feel a lot better.
ilikeatea ilikeatea 9 years
Ah ya...agree with GlowingMoon....he's an assholes and don't waste anymore time on him.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
I agree with DearSug, too. Don't contact that jerk anymore. Your time and heart is valuable. Don't waste anymore on him.
iamangiepooh iamangiepooh 9 years
I agree with Dear. Don't contact him. I didn't have "closure" with my ex, but I had closure within myself because I began to move on without having to actually talk to him. I wrote an e-mail out expressing all my feelings towards him, but I didn't send it because I saw no point. Even if I said I didn't want a reply from him, I think deep down inside I wanted an explanation, but what would it accomplish? If he told me the truth, it would only make me feel worse, and if he lied once again, it would probably have made me feel angrier. He got the message that I wasn't ever going to speak to him again when he texted me one last time, telling me that he was upset. After spending three years with someone, you think you would know them, but in the end, I realize that I never knew the person he was. Good luck to you!
zabrow zabrow 9 years
i think totally ignoring him & not calling or emailing to tell him how much he hurts you, shows him that you're better off without him. he knows he hurt you, that's why he's unreliable now & not really wanting to meet up to talk about it. just take the high road & don't say a thing. "the best revenge is doing good & looking good" right?
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