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You Asked: I Think I Want Out of My Marriage

Dear Sugar --

My husband and I have been married for almost two years. We have been very unhappy most of that time due to his family not liking me, me having a hard time getting pregnant, sexual incompatibility, violence from me, money issues and so forth.

We have since moved past most of that, but I recently had a baby, and I am still so troubled. I stay home all day and when my husband comes home, all I want is some one on one time with him after he plays with the baby. He usually plays with her and then they fall asleep and I am left awake lonely. I have been battling an overwhelming sense of emptiness, and I don't think my husband even listens. I have even thought about suicide.

Today, I think I have had it though. Before he came home I sent him a text message letting him know that I was thinking of getting out of the marriage (something I have been thinking about for months). He called me about something completely unrelated, and he mentioned the text message. He said I almost gave him a heart attack, but then he didn't ask me what was wrong or anything. Then when he got home, he scoffed at the dinner I had cooked.

I told him that tonight I wanted to spend time with just him without the baby, so he put her to sleep. I looked up and as usual he was asleep as well. I didn't flip out because I was on the internet anyway. But I did flip out when all of a sudden he was looking at me and said "I need to get my own computer because you are always on that one doing nothing."

Unfortunately for my husband today was the same day that I got back in contact with a recent Ex, who I still have feelings for. I have slept with this Ex before while being married, and I know that I should not do it again because it is adultery. But, I really have feelings for the other guy and my husband is not listening to me even when I come right out and say I am leaving or thinking of going back to that guy.

Overall my husband is a good guy. He is a good provider and father to our two kids, but I don't feel sexy or important to him or like a wife or life partner. I feel like I am just here with no one to share with. Please help me. --Lonely Lila

To see DearSugar's answer,

Dear Lonely Lila --

You certainly have a lot on your plate right now. It sounds like you are going through a rough patch in your marriage and in your personal life, and a major lack of communication is partly to blame. All these issues can be worked out if you are both willing to be honest with each other and put forth the energy and time to re-build your marriage.

First off, you need to sever ties with your ex boyfriend. As long as he is in the picture you are never going to be able to mend things in your marriage. Secondly, talk to your husband. Don't text message him and then respond in a passive aggressive manner when he fails to respond. Choose a time, perhaps over the weekend, when you are both at home and have the time and energy for a productive conversation. Be open and honest with him; let him know how lonely and unhappy you are and that his mean-spirited comments about the dinners you cook and your time on the computer only make matters worse.

Have you entertained the idea of marriage counseling? Since you are home all day while he works, perhaps a weekly "date night" is in order so you can spend quality time together and get back on track. It also sounds to me like you could be suffering from some postpartum depression. Have you gone to see a professional about your overwhelming feeling of emptiness? Many new mothers go through a tough transition after giving birth so I suggest seeking help. Do you have a family member or friend that can watch your baby a few times a week to give you some time for yourself?

Let your husband know you are not getting the respect and love you need from him which in turn is making you want to give up on your marriage. Feeling alone in your own home can't be a good feeling so you need to ask yourself if this man is worth fighting for. All couples go through tough times, so hopefully with some hard work and effort from both of you, your rough past will soon be behind you. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
fatherof2 fatherof2 9 years
Let me get this straight. You are physically abusive towards your husband. You have been unfaithful. You sit at home all day while your husband supports you and your children. You are jealous of the time your husband spends with his children. You get upset when your exhausted husband comes home and falls asleep after working all day and then coming home and playing with his children. And you really feel that you are the victim? I feel sorry for your husband. Every single day since you chose to open your legs to your ex, you have spat in the face of your husband. You have violated the very core of the much required trust that must exist in a marriage for there to be any hope of success and all this only after 2 years of marriage? My advice, yes please if you have not done so yet, get out of your marriage for your husbands sake. Let him continue on with his life and be happy with a woman who would be overjoyed with the life you have. The real tragedy is the fact that you chose to have children with this man when you were never serious about him at all. I know you probably expected some comments that would support you and your theories but I hate to be the one to put it so bluntly, but it sounds to me like you are the problem in the marriage, not your husband. At the very least, come clean with your husband about your extra-martial affair[s].
andaman andaman 10 years
I have been in your shoes more than once. Men are terrible at talking you need to sit him down and make him communicate properly. I totally think he doesn't realise you are feeling this way. He needs to know how to respond to you and you need to know how to get the best out of him. You also need to have more sex. Try using porns, sex toys, different places in the house, a lot of foreplay. Make effort to have a good time in bed. Ignore his family for now. You need to focus on your relationship. If they don't like you then tough. You are with him not them. My heart goes out to you. I hope it works out for the sake of your baby.
andaman andaman 10 years
I think you are suffering from depression. If I were stuck all day in a house by myself with a baby I would be very down too. Can you ask someone to help while you go for a jog or for a swim once a day for an hour or so? You also need to learn to meditate. It helps enormously. As for your marriage, I think how you are feeling is quite normal. Marriage is hard work. Don't believe anyone who says it is a bed of roses and they get on all the time (they aren't telling you the truth). It seems you two don't know how to talk to one another at all. Going to a therapist is a good idea but if you can't afford it I suggest you spend an hour writing down what you both want from one another. Then set a date to talk about it properly over dinner. Don't raise your voice. Keep your cool. Negotiate and put it into practice. Forget about your ex darling. You need to save your marriage.
katie225 katie225 10 years
if there's physical violence in a relationship, the person being abused should leave. he deserves better than to be hit by his wife. i don't stand for domestic abuse against ANYONE, female or male. you think YOU want out of your marriage? imagine how HE feels.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
ha ha! I'd get in too much trouble. :-)
Lucky-Penny Lucky-Penny 10 years
popgoestheworld, you should write an advice blog!
pinkangelmonkey pinkangelmonkey 10 years
this is very great advice from the girls...i couldnt add anything. i strongly recommend you going to get professional help if not for you both than atleast for yourself. there is a child involved and now you have to be strong enough for them! please get some help because i agree that you need more help than this board could offer.
a-gentle-rain a-gentle-rain 10 years
I am sure your husband is very confused right now. Please decide if you want to ruin your entire marriage for this ex bf. All marriages have rough patches. Perhaps couples' counseling? Please get help. They know what to do, and how to help you turn your life around.
a-gentle-rain a-gentle-rain 10 years
I am extremely concerned by what you mean when you say 'violence from me'. I find that troubling, and I second Lickety's reccommendation of getting some sort of counseling. Perhaps print up this letter, and bring it in. Please do not be offended when I say YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP.
lolak lolak 10 years
Lila, I totaly understand what you are going through and I really have to strongly encourage you to stop and think hard about what you are doing. Ending your life because you are sad is selfish beyond belief, there are children who didn't ask to come into the world and to leave them motherless is unfair to them. You need use that violent strength towards being a better mother, a better woman and a better person over all. If you are not happy in your marriage then leave, but don't try to hurt your husband in the process, be kind, helpful and understanding. Nothing and no one will make you happy but yourself, you are the only one with that power and it's all about choice. Look at your self and evaluate YOURSELF. No one is harming you, you're harming yourself, and for crying out loud be happy for your children. They are a blessing, they should be ENOUGH for you to be happy, nothing should matter more than them now, make yourself happy life is short as is and no one is goig to use up their time to look for what makes you happy when they themselves have enough on their plate. you alone are responsible for your happiness and now for your children's happiness. While I do recommend that you see a therapist, that alone won't do if your mind is not set on yourself. Good luck, Ill be praying for you and hope you do the same
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 10 years
Listen to Lickety and popgoestheworld, that basically covers all I have to say on this point.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
calibabi calibabi 10 years
what a tough situation. everyone has given really great advice. my heart goes out to you, and i hope that you get the help that you are needing.
cubadog cubadog 10 years
There was one that was similar but it was more geared around the baby and needing help from her husband not I am going to leave because of all the issues she listed!
simplybe1 simplybe1 10 years
DearSugar, I could swear I read this exact post just the other day..Could I be mistaken?
cubadog cubadog 10 years
I do agree with the advice given. I do think you would benefit from your own individual counseling as well. I think you have your own issues to deal with and they have filtered over to your marriage. Mind you I am not blaming you marriage is 50/50 but to me there is a lot more going on here than just problems in your marriage. Finding something to do while you are home all day with the baby is another good thing whether it be spending a couple of hours at the gym, most of them have child care or dropping the baby with a trusted individual to have a spa afternoon or an afternoon of shopping. You just need to start talking and opening not texting your husband that you think the marriage is over.
pixiechick pixiechick 10 years
I cant say it any better that popgoestheworld so I'll just strongly agree!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
I'm sure you are both under stress with a new baby. I think it's common for couples to feel strain during times when they don't get a lot of alone time. It sounds like your husband is just exhausted at the end of the day. I can relate that my boyfriend falls asleep when we're hanging out at night because he gets up 3 hours ealier than I do and no matter how much he tries to stay awake it just doesn't always happen. Quite frankly, if you have been violent towards him and cheated on him, I imagine that you have done other things that cause his family not to like you very much. Those are not things that should be tolerated in a marriage. And honestly, if you had any respect for your husband or your marriage, you wouldn't send him text message threats to end the marriage. It's like crying wolf, and he's not going to take you seriously. It sounds like overall your husband is a good person who is exhausted in the evenings. It sounds like you have some major problems that you should seek immediate counseling for.
snowdaytoday snowdaytoday 10 years
Great advice, Dear. I also think she needs to find something else in her life that makes her happy and gives her a full and wonderful feeling. We can't always rely on other people to fulfill that role. I was engaged and my finace broke up with me and I was so depressed. I started taking yoga classes and really immersed myself in it, and it was a kind of therapy. Spending time with friends can do the same thing. Good luck to you. Talk to your hubby. I wonder how they're feeling about the relationship...
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