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You Asked: I Want Him Out!

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend has been living with me for over a year now. He is unemployed and a generally nice guy, but I'm no longer in love with him. I constantly tell him how I feel, but he just brushes me off — I think he thinks I'm joking. He stays home all day but never looks for work, he hasn't helped out around the house in months, and while I don't want to leave him high and dry, I just can't do it anymore — he's starting to drive me nuts! What should I do? — Over Him Hayden

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Over Him Hayden,

If you're ready to end this relationship, end it, because you'll only be doing your boyfriend a disservice by staying with him out of fear or obligation. Since he isn't taking your words to heart, it's clearly time for a serious talk. Figure out what you want your next steps to be and let him know where you stand. I understand that you don't want to leave him in the lurch, so perhaps you can put your heads together to come up with a temporary plan until he can get his feet back on the ground. This won't be easy, but if you're unhappy, something has to change. Good luck to you.


Join The Conversation
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
lol CaterpillarGirl. So so true.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
reason #233 to not move in together.
Spectra Spectra 8 years
He's a total freeloader, that's for sure. He's not even trying that hard because he figures you'll take care of him. If you don't break up with him soon, you'll end up with a son instead of a boyfriend...not a good situation.
Muirnea Muirnea 8 years
^ hahahaha. Yeah, I wouldn't give him much time...maybe a week. B/c he doesn't respect you, he is just using you to get a free easy life. Why respect him? Tell him to get out, give him a time limit. After that, throw his stuff out on the street and change the locks. I would only care about leaving him high and dry if he had been caring about you. But he wasn't. He found you to pay for his life...he will find someone else. I wouldn't worry about him. Now is one of those times when you need to start taking care of yourself.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Come home, throw out his $hit and tell him to go find a spot next to a homeless man.
Bodhar Bodhar 8 years
Give him an ultimatum to leave in a certain amount of time. If he doesn't leave, either leave yourself (this is what I did) or change the locks and direct him to a storage facility where he can find his things.
elizabethsosewn elizabethsosewn 8 years
Leave him High and Dry honey! Leave him high and dry
Ac2366 Ac2366 8 years
I have no patience for freeloaders. I would tell him to get out immediatley and that he has a set amount of time to get his things. You have put up with him longer enough and you are by no means obligated to pay his way. Do you ever wonder if you would still love him if he was responsible and had a job? It's so easy to get resentful towards a person who seemingly refuses to better themself and be self-sufficient.
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
I went through this. I "broke up" with him several times and he, too, laughed it off. I had to just come out and be stern about it. Pack up his things and tell him that things are not working out and he needs to find another place to live. If you want to be nice, ask one of his friends if he can stay there while in transition.
Allytta Allytta 8 years
girls here are right, my guy found a job in two days after i kicked him out. and now he founded his own business. and we are still great friends.
dm8bri dm8bri 8 years
This guy is a classic freeloader. I disagree with other people saying you should give him time to get on his feet. NO - he had time while you were still together and obviously didn't do anything, so why give him that time now when you really don't owe him?? Break up with him and give him a deadline (no more than a week, PLEASE) to get out. After that pack up his crap and change the locks. Make sure he's not on the lease, either. Get friends or the law involved if necessary - I have a feeling since he's been so determined to keep mooching that he ignored your earlier talks, he'll probably put up a fight when you really lay down the gauntlet. Good luck.
Allytta Allytta 8 years
i had the same problem. and one day i just birst. i just told him he has two days to move out. and he has, he just got it right then and there that it was over. i went balistic, but only because i never talked to him about the situation.
margokhal margokhal 8 years
I don't know how long you've been together, but until he had a steady job and a record of paying bills [you know, things that he would have to be on top of if you guys had stayed together longer and possibly gotten married], I would have never let him move in. NEVER. Anyway, what's done is done. Talk to him again, straight to his face - "This relationship is over. You need to leave. You have a week." If he thinks you're joking, put his stuff out and/or change the locks on the 7th day. He'll get the picture.
jauntycap jauntycap 8 years
Girl don't worry about him. He's a survivor. Right now he's taking care of himself very well. he's got you to do everything. Believe me, if he leaves, if you put him out, he'll find someone else to do his dirty work. It's not mean to ask him to leave. You will actually be helping him to make it on his own. And if he bounces to the couch of a friend or the bed of some other chick, he'll no longer be your problem. And you'll have fewer dishes and less laundry to do. don't be afraid. Tough love woman. it works.
bengalspice bengalspice 8 years
And once he gets a job ... give him a month deadline to find a place ... or you're changing the locks on him. If you need help paying the rent, post an ad up for a roommate and show people the space. He'll take the eviction seriously if you make it clear that someone is going to take his place in the apt at the end of the month.
bengalspice bengalspice 8 years
What about telling him he needs to move out, but that he can stay until he finds a new place ... and that in the meantime he needs to find a way to pay a percentage of the rent ... or you'll throw his stuff out at the end of the month. That will force him to go get a job.
Annie4385 Annie4385 8 years
ummmmmmmmmmmmmm. kick him out. today. his avoidance of your problems with the relationship mean he's probably aware that you're unhappy but doesn't have the motivation to 'deal with' a break up: meaning moving out and finding his own source of income. give him 30 days but make sure he's taking you seriously. if he's not, change your locks. that'll send a direct message.
lizrocks lizrocks 8 years
I agree with ski 100% and while I'd likely give him more time to get out (30 days max) I'd also remind him every other day or so that 'hey, you have X more days until you have to be out. How are things going with that?'
lolak lolak 8 years
what do you mean what should you do? you're the one with the money, the job, the apartment, the authority. He's not a child you're waiting to turn 18, he is a grown man with no responsibilities. Step up and take charge, that's what you should do. He's not your kid! Talk with authority and stop maintaining him!
skigurl skigurl 8 years
he hasn't been taking you seriously which leads me to believe that you're being flippant when you tell him how you feel tell him you need to talk to him, sit him down without distractions, and tell him seriously that you no longer want to date and that he has to move out of your place...give him a deadline (like "by sunday i need you gone") and make sure he knows you're being serious. if he doesn't take it seriously even then then get people into the apartment to start packing up his stuff and then change the's his fault if he isn't taking his life seriously by that point
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