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You Asked: I Want More From My Affair

Dear Sugar,

I have been in a monogamous relationship for the past 10 years. We've had two children, but have never been married. The truth is that I don't get along very well with my partner, but simply manage because of the kids. He has serious anger issues, and in turn, I have problems with the way he handles himself.

Last year he left me in a huff at my 20-year reunion, and one of my male classmates ended up taking me home the next morning after we spent the night together. He and I have continued to hook up since, but we've never discussed a potential relationship. Right now it's "just fun" but I want more. The problem is I'm not sure where he stands; he says that he's undecided. What should I do?

— Looking For More Melissa

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Looking For More Melissa,

I can't help but feel a little confused after reading this. You want to create a relationship with the man you're cheating on your boyfriend with, but you haven't even mentioned the prospect of ending your own relationship. It's clear to me that if your old classmate wanted to be with you, he'd be with you. His indecision is a decision, so end things before your significant other finds out and your children get dragged into the drama.

While you're at it, it's time to figure out what you want to do about your own relationship. From your actions, it seems obvious to me that you want out so if that's the case, make your break. Splitting up a family is difficult on children, but if you and your partner work to make it as smooth as possible then there's no reason why they won't make it through. If I'm incorrect, and you do want to stay with your partner then you're both going to need to do some changing. So consider looking into couple's counseling and individual therapy


Join The Conversation
MissJules5x MissJules5x 8 years
i agree. just because youre unhappy doesnt make it okay to cheat. if youre unhappy then you will make everyone else around you suffer as well including your children. staying together for the children is never a good reason when you'd both be better off separated. anyway back to the affair. an affair is never okay. you need to talk to your significant other and let him know how you feel and whats going on, and honestly, i think what you need is to spend time alone. this isnt the type of guy you want and he's already expressed his doubts. i say its time to be single and figure out who you are without a man.
TheEnchantedOne TheEnchantedOne 8 years
You really can't have anything more than what you have right now, because really, it's just that, an affair. Nothing more and nothing less. The only beneficial and right thing to do is GET OUT.
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 8 years
g1amourpuss brings up strong points. I agree 100%. I hope you take the questions she raised to heart and really think about what you're doing, not only to yourself, but to your whole family. What you do next will have a strong effect on your childrens' future.
sarah100682 sarah100682 8 years
Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free? Sounds like he is getting everything that he wants from you... But maybe your concern should be with your kids and your long term boyfriend, and not your "friend"??? You sound quite selfish to be honest. Your priorities are completely twisted! You are with the father of your children because of them to make there lives easier? How is it going to be for your kids when they find out mommy cheats on daddy?
lilCROAT03 lilCROAT03 8 years
we'll it's not an affair technically. secondly, you have 2 men in your life now that emotionally mean nothing to you since one you're cheating on and the other one is just using you for sex. so while you'd think this is a situation for a 20 something, you're 40. get your life together because you're not giving your children a very good example. and everything comes out into the open one day. it won't be your secret forever.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Please grow up for the sake of your kids.
g1amourpuss g1amourpuss 8 years
I'm sure I said TOO much, but my husband is always like "TELL ME before you cheat - don't hurt me". I could never do that to him. He lets me get away with bloody murder as it is. And then, his previous girlfriend before me cheated on him. I had to pick him up and put him back together. He was with her for 7 years (same time I was in my previous relationship).. and he stuck with her through her going to jail and everything.. and then she cheats on him. His parents are still together, no extramarital affairs. So that gives me hope for my cheating father. I just feel SO strongly about this. More than I have on any other post I've commented on. I went to the kitchen earlier to get some water.. in between commenting, and my husband said "What's wrong?". I was like you know.. let me tell you... It's just so upsetting, things like this, when your mother's sitting in the dark with a gun to her head because her marriage was shot to sh!t because after 25 years the love her of her was cheating. Thank god my mother never went through with it. But one of those other comments after me was dead on about his anger issues too. What about your children's safety?
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
g1amourpuss said exactly what I was thinking, but much better than I would have. I only want to add that while there are two sides to every story, I'm afraid that the person cheating on her ten-year partner shouldn't really be complaining about the way her PARTNER--the one being cheated on--"handles himself."
mnp mnp 8 years
I agree with richandfamous10 and lickety split. No how bad a relationship, cheating will never solve the problem. Not only you have a children in the picture and indirectly involved but you have a boyfriend who has serious anger issues. (I'm assuming the worse here.) Are you freaking nuts?! How do you know that man isn't going to go ape shiet on you or the kids when he finds out you've been cheating on him? And, that man you're screwing...he's no kid. If he wants to be with you, he would've made it happen.
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
what should you do? you're about 40, living with someone you don't really care for and you're screwing someone who doesn't know how they feel about you. i think you should get a clue (and as mean as that sounds, i toned it WAY, WAY down). lady, you have 2 kids you are dragging through this emotional landmine. you are spending too much time on men who don't really have a place in your life. move out into your own place and start over with your focus on the kids.
g1amourpuss g1amourpuss 8 years
You need better for yourself, not better for either relationship. ..Not to mention: How would you feel if your children found out you are cheating on their father? Are you prepared to present to them a step-daddy? (..that doesn't sound like he wants to be there for you probably because of your children and your angry bf.) A ten year relationship is a very long time, regardless if you are married or not.. And considering your children are under 10, right?.. are you ready to be a single mother? If your boyfriend has anger issues - what would he do if he found out you've been cheating? I'm not saying it is okay for him to leave you at your reunion, but you need to cut it off and not count on settling down into a new relationship so soon. Your children will tell their friends and teachers what you are doing, no doubt. They probably won't understand. You really don't want to look like a whore to your little ones in the long run, do you? Are you prepared to break it all down to them? (For example, when the time is right when my daughter wants to know why mommy likes men and women, [I never flaunt this in her face, but] I am prepared to explain this to her and own up to it... in your situation, are you prepared to explain your actions to your children?) If you're going to date other people within a relationship or marriage you really should have rules about how to handle it. Has your boyfriend ever cheated on you since you've had children together? Relationships aren't easy, especially with children in the mix.. but ten years together WITH children is practically like being married. And are you ready to be a single parent? Is your boyfriend financially capable of providing for your children without you living with him? Can you really make it on your own or are you hopping bed to bed for your own sense of security?
cubadog cubadog 8 years
Its been a year and he can't decide. Obviously he is in it for the sex and nothing more. You need to end your current relationship if you can not remain committed to your family.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
You've been hooking up with your old classmate for A YEAR. He says he's undecided. He's not into you. He's screwing you for sport. Right now, you want more. Truthfully, I don't think you will get more. Either be satisfied hooking up "just for fun," or stop seeing him. You're not asking about your partner. That's a separate issue, so I won't comment about that.
richandfamous10 richandfamous10 8 years
You aren't being fair to your partner or your children, and although your partner has anger issues and may have hurt you, cheating is never okay. You need to figure out what you want for your life, and who you want to be with. Take some time to clear your head and decide, but stop cheating on your partner. Remember that if you do leave for the other man, you are bringing him into your childrens lives. They are innocent and don't deserve to suffer from your actions if you change your mind again, so make sure you are 100% sure with what you want to do in life and stick with it. One last thing - evaluate whether you want to be with this other man, or actually be single again. There is a huge difference.
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