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You Asked: I Want More From My One Night Stand

Dear Sugar,

I was in a serious relationship for six years and I am now single. Up until last week, I hadn't had sex in eight months! On Saturday night, I met up with a guy I used to have feelings for. I invited him over and we had sex. There wasn't much flirting, kissing, or any kind of lustful passion. We did it and then hung out for an hour afterwards. I thought that would be the end of that, but he called me the next day and came over. We just hung out that time, but the following day he texted me and we started flirting. It's clear to me that he's looking for a hookup and that he's used to this lifestyle. He's incredibly sexy and I could see him getting girls easily. I know I was wrong for sleeping with him so quickly, but I like him now. Is there anyway to change the direction of our relationship at this point? He obviously sees me as a sex buddy, but I want more. We've been hooking up almost every day now.

— Hooked Up Hilary

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Hooked Up Hilary,

It sounds to me like you and your one night stand have become friends with benefits, at least in his mind. I can't say whether or not you guys can have a more serious relationship — that's up to the two of you — but of course it's possible to try. In order to do so, you're going to have to tell him that you have feelings for him and put an end to the booty calls. But keep in mind that because of how your relationship has been established, your friend may not share your feelings or desire to embark on something more committed. If that's the case then I think it's in your best interest to avoid continuing the friends-with-benefits deal you have going on because it's likely that your feelings will grow, but unlikely that a relationship will blossom. The sex might be nice, but not at the sacrifice of your emotional well-being.


Join The Conversation
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Quit spreading it so much for him and make him work for it.
LOL She spread it, he didn't have to work hard for it, and he will no longer have to.:P
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
Yeah, I really don't appreciate women calling other women "ho's" on this board. Rude and very unhelpful. Anyway, to the OP: I definitely think you should either get used to the fact that this is sex only, or stop having sex with him. There's no middle ground here.
Ster Ster 8 years
To everyone calling her a 'ho: oh please. Not true and not constructive. To the OP: Your intuition is probably right in telling you he's not really interested in anything serious. However, I've never seen you two interact, so you never know ... My advice to you would be to take a bit of distance. Don't jump on him declaring your feelings, this will probably only freak him out and scare him off. You can tell him you're not really into this sex-buddy thing, but you'd like it if you two could just give being friends a try. If he's a nice guy and his interest in you goes beyond the purely sexual, he'll agree and maybe you have a chance to start over on a different note. In any case, stop sleeping with him, even if it does mean he looses interest. It's clearly a route to heartbreak and low self esteem. Good luck!
Lele777 Lele777 8 years
Eight whole months you poor dear...NOT! If you give it up the first night, don't bet on some serious deep lol connection to be made. All you are is a piece of *** that he thinks is easy. Why wouldn't he hook up with you daily? You've already shown him that he won't have to work for it!
moonwater moonwater 8 years
You realize that he is your rebound guy, right? It has nothing to do with how he treats you. After a long term relationship and an 8 month hiatus, you shouldn't start something serious with the first guy that comes along. If the sex is good, enjoy it for it really is and be safe, always.
g1amourpuss g1amourpuss 8 years
Quit spreading it so much for him and make him work for it.
lilCROAT03 lilCROAT03 8 years
it depends on how he views girls- some as 'bad' as they are still have traditional standards when it comes to having a 'girlfriend' so if you gave it up right away- you might have a little red X mark next to your name. at this point bc it's the first person you've slept with in a while after a long relationship you might want to make sure you're really building feelings for this guy or falling for the sake of falling. you know?
looseseal looseseal 8 years
I understand the "human needs" thing, but sometimes it's used so much as a reason for everything it makes me go "hmm..." And it makes me wonder if people forget how to masturbate or maybe never learned? Okay, it's not the same as having sex with another person, but it works well for scratching itches. And no fear of STDs, pregnancy, or unreciprocated emotional feelings, how awesome is that?
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Sure, of course he's going to want to date you now.
designerel designerel 8 years
If you just want the sex, he's your man. But you clearly don't. So cut off the ties, and look elsewhere for your next relationship, because he isn't it.
CYL CYL 8 years
You need to stop sleeping with him ASAP if your feelings are getting invovled. DearSugar is right you are now in a friends with benefit relationship..cardinal rule of that is when anyone starts developing feelings you need to stop and walk. If you want with will have to talk to him. But judging from what you have have to brace yourself for him to run the other way. BUT do NOT stay with him and just have sex with him as a friend because that is the only way to keep him. You will only get more hurt in the future! If this one doesn't work'll find someone don't settle for some lukewarm relationship that doesn't sastisfy you emtionally and mentally.
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
Read... "I was in a serious relationship for six years and I am now single. Up until last week, I hadn't had sex in eight months! On Saturday night, I met up with a guy I used to have feelings for. I invited him over and we had sex." They weren't together for 8 months...she wanted to have sex because her clock was ticking and she accepted the first reasonable offer and now she feels wait next time and act on your accessed value of your body and time... I can't ever get away with a quickie! not even verbally. :ROTFL: Shut-up Shopa! LOL :OY:
rossinaross rossinaross 8 years
'somewhere warm to stick it' Sarah_bellum might sound crude but I LOVED IT! haha :D
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
you may have tangled yourself up a bit - but the thing to remember is that at least you can say that you didn't have a one night stand :) i don't know - a lot of people think that it's taboo. as for your fear of sleeping with him too soon - i think that there's really no such thing these days. yes it might make sense to wait a bit, but you had an itch that needed to be scratched and you took care of it. i would have done the exact same thing. don't stress bout it - see how things happen, and maybe you'll find that you have a great friend and maybe you'll have more.
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 8 years
Ew. I just read that last line and realized how crude that sounds... Sorry folks. :OOPS:
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 8 years
"if it meets your needs now that's what matters." Ah... the life philosophy of Jeffrey Dahmer. Seriously though, there is something to be said for delayed gratification, and saying so doesn't make someone uptight/judgemental, etc. The OP is probably in for some hurt because of the "do what feels good when it feels good" mentality. Anyways, I suspect that this guy knows you have feelings for him and is manipulating that fact to get in your pants. Men are often oblivious to the feelings of others unless told, but the more unscrupulous seem to have a sixth sense for when a girl is in a vulnerable spot emotionally. I suggest just casually asking him, "So, I'm beginning to want a little more out of this and was wondering if you felt the same," or something like that. But if he says no, stop sleeping with him because your feelings will deepen and it's going to hurt so much more when it eventually ends. And you are worth a man who wants ALL of you, and not just somewhere warm to stick it.
rossinaross rossinaross 8 years
lickety split. girl... her feelings are getting involved and his feelings aren't. She's gonna get hurt.
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
8 months of no sex after being in a relationship for 6 years, i see where you were coming from. this isn't a one night stand, but i'm not sure what it is. you are enjoying it and he's coming back for more so i think you should just see where it goes. you might be rebounding and just enjoying the freedom of having sex with someone other than your partner of 6 years. or it could be the joy of sex after so long without it. it's healthy to want to have sex and here's a willing partner that you were interested in for awhile before you hooked up. is it ideal? no, but so what? if it meets your needs now that's what matters. and despite what others might say, having sex with someone after 8 months w/o does not make you a whore. it makes you human.
lexichloe lexichloe 8 years
He's looking for a hookup only. If he wanted more, he would have communicated it to you in one way or another. Either cut things off, or keep doing what you're doing. Deep down you know.
rossinaross rossinaross 8 years
Yes you should deff let him know whats going on through your head, and down there, every time yall hook up. Clearly he just wants you as a sex toy, and if you keep that going just to be with him, you'll get hurt.. unless he magically falls for you, but I don't believe in magic, so.. I'll say, don't go for it.
Shopaholichunny Shopaholichunny 8 years
:rotfl: Mesay. "Ho interstate" I know I few girls who could live off of that road! ;) But, I agree with Nonny. Maybe try to be honest with him and let him know how you feel. Don't be surprised if he says no or breaks your heart. He sounds like a player. Good Luck.
a-nonny-mouse a-nonny-mouse 8 years
"No hard feelings." Heh. That's a really terrible (unintentional) pun. Sorry.
a-nonny-mouse a-nonny-mouse 8 years
You wrote, "He obviously sees me as a sex buddy, but I want more" and "It's clear to me that he's looking for a hookup and that he's used to this lifestyle." When you ask, "Is there any way to change the direction of our relationship at this point?" it seems you already know the answer. No. There isn't. (Rather, there's no plausible method of changing your no-strings-attached sex buddy into a more committed boyfriend. If he has a habit of exercising his freedom to indulge in free-agent sex with multiple buddies, it is hugely unlikely that he will want to change direction for you.) It might be in your best interest to stop seeing him. You are becoming emotionally tethered to him, while he lacks emotional investment in you. Not a fortunate combination (for you). But at least he isn't being deceitful about his preferences. No hard feelings.
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
Eight whole months!! :o please... Sounds like she got off the girlfriend road and connected to the ho' interstate. Not for me. Never had one. Never will.
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