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You Asked: I Want to Wait Until Marriage

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating this wonderful guy for about three months now. We always have a great time together and the chemistry is undeniable. He has initiated sex before, but I told him I wasn't ready yet. My problem is that I lied — I'm a virgin and I don't plan on having sex until my wedding night. From past experience, I've learned that telling guys right off the bat scares them off, which is why I haven't come clean yet. I want to be honest but I don't know how to tell him the truth without freaking him out. I know that sex is important in a relationship, especially for someone that's had it before, so what should I do? — Waiting Until Marriage Melissa

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Waiting Until Marriage Melissa,

If the guy you're dating is as wonderful as you describe, he'll be understanding with your news, but you're right, sex is an important part of a relationship so if he's not willing to wait for you, he's simply just not the guy for you.

Keeping secrets from your significant other is never a good idea so I'd come clean ASAP. Since I don't know anything about this guy, I don't know what his reaction will be so the only advice I can give you is to be honest. Yes, he might freak out, and yes, things might not work between you two, but if waiting until marriage means that much to you, it'll be worth waiting for the right guy too. Good luck.

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witchbaby witchbaby 8 years
just tell him also, is this the type of girl who refuses all sexual activity before marriage? I don't think there is anything wrong with foreplay as long as its understood you aren't going to take it to the next level-which would be sex.
Spectra Spectra 8 years
I waited until marriage with my husband and it's one of the best decisions I made regarding my sexuality. However, I did tell my husband that I wanted to wait VERY early in our relationship because it was important to me and I wanted to make sure we were on the same page. Turns out we were...we were both virgins, so it took a huge load of pressure off of the relationship so we could focus on getting to know each other better. My guess is that if he's already initiating sex, he probably doesn't want to wait until marriage, but you do need to talk to him to be sure you're both on the same page.
Advah Advah 8 years
Well you don't have many choices - either you decide you still want to wait, or you don't. But don't think that lying to him will help; yes you want him to respect the choice you made to not have sex until marriage, but think that he might want you to respect the choice he's made to NOT wait. So be ready to accept that no matter what you both decide, one of you will have to make a compromise. So just for that, have some respect for the guy and tell him what you want. I understand you're worried, but being lied to because the other person thinks you can't take the truth is pretty insulting imo.
geebers geebers 8 years
Agree with everyone else - while I don't think choosing to not have sex makes anyone "better" or more respectful - I do think this is an important value and a relationship that works is one based on shared values. If he does not share your value/beliefs on sex before marriage than he is clearly not the right guy. That doesn't mean he is a bad person but it's a big deal and his choice to move on. You are better off finding someone that agrees with you.
LoveSarah LoveSarah 8 years
You should have told him from the beginning. If that isn't what he wants to do, then you are just wasting both of your time. You should never hide or lie about your values or who you are to some one you are dating. The truth will always come out!
kiwitwist kiwitwist 8 years
I think princess said it the best. :) I also commend you for wanting to wait. From my experience, I waited until I found the guy I was going to marry. So I might not have been 'married' at the time but we are now. :)
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
In all honesty, I don't think that telling guys this too soon 'scares them' as you say. I think that the fact is that the large majority of men (and women) do not want to wait until marriage to have sex and are not willing to wait. I think that if this is part of your value system, which I am assuming has some basis in religious belief, then you would be better off dating men that are of the same faith as you and would be happy that you are waiting. You need to realize that most men out there simply will not share your value system and will not be willing to wait until marriage for sex. I have also heard of men who love the woman and agree to this, but then secretly get laid with other woman on the side because they can't wait. I think that you are being deceitful not telling the man this. He probably thinks that he is going to get sex soon and you are totally leading him on. If I was dating a guy who did not tell me this fairly soon into the relationship, I would be pissed off that I wasted time with someone who is not as sexual as I am. That is my honest opinion on it. Good luck to you.
LilLucyT21 LilLucyT21 8 years
ditto from princess eab and plus you should tell a guy from the start as that outlines the relantionship and you will save yourself some time and heartache.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
I don't think it has anything to do with right or wrong, it's just that her body is hers to decide what sort of relationship it has with others. I did wait for a much longer time than most (probably), but as an adult I'm a huge believer that sexuality and the body is a crucial part of a relationship. Everyone has to be responsible though and I think that people should be up front about what they want or don't want. And I don't think it's "sad" that sex is expected; sexuality and the sex response is a natural, god-given feature of being human, and everyone has it. Sex is a natural consummation of a romantic relationship and it can be a beautiful thing. But it's ours to choose how or whether to express it, and with whom.
plus_2_kid plus_2_kid 8 years
I mean, it's great that she's being true to her values, but would you "applaud" me if I told you I was experimenting with sexuality b/c I wanted to go into marriage knowing myself, and being better prepared to communicate on that level with my husband? Would you applaud me?
plus_2_kid plus_2_kid 8 years
Excuse me for being a bitch, but why is everyone applauding her for waiting until marriage?
So-what So-what 8 years
First, good for you for waiting. The previous commenters all make good points. I agree that you should make it known from the start about waiting till marriage, I'm not saying on the first date but definetely before you become boyfriend/girlfriend. It's highly likely that you have had talks about sex prior to becoming exclusive and that would have probably been the best time to bring it up. But anyways since u haven't, the sooner you do it the better. Also, like it's been said, either he shares your values and is willing to try to wait or he isn't. If he doesn't from the moment you tell him then cut your losses and separate because it will cause unnecessary problems and there guys out there that will wait with you. However, I disagree with the first commenter who suggested that you should meet guys in church since they are more likely to share your values. Being a religious person and regularly attending church every week, I've interacted with many men in church from recently saved to born in church and most of them are the same. I came to the conclusion that some of them are worse than those not in church. In fact, most of them have engaged in pre-marital sex and are sexually active, and may be engaging in unprotected sex, having kidds out of wedlock. I'm not saying all men in church and there are many different kind of denominations too, but that's just how i feel. Basically, tell your guy soon and continue to stick to your decision, it's a goof thing. If this guy does leave, don;t get discouraged there;s some guy out there that will wait, just tell him sooner.
notinthemood notinthemood 8 years
I agree that you should tell them within the first few dates, before you're "bf/gf"... it's kind of sad that sex is expected of you, I think, but that's how it is. So yeah, if you're scaring them off, good for you! Now go try to meet people who have the same values that you do, and don't get emotionally involved with people who don't... you're risking compromising your values to keep a guy you're attached to, but who doesn't want to wait for marriage.
hithatsmybike hithatsmybike 8 years
Just tell him, and in the future date men that share the same values. On another note, I LOATHE how everyone thinks this is some sort of "respect" issue. It's not. At all. Think about it: those of you that are currently in or have had sexual relationships in the past, imagine dating someone that swore off the deed until marriage. Would you be okay with that? I know I wouldn't. Does this mean I don't respect the decision? Of course not, it only means I don't want a sexless romantic relationship. This isn't "disrespectful", it's just a different decision. People have a large variety of individual ideas and opinions about sex and marriage. For some people the two go hand in hand, but for many others they can happen separately or not at all. If someone never wants to get married, does that mean they don't "respect" you if you do? If he is scared off, then that's what happens. That's a consequence of your decision of waiting until marriage. If you plan on keeping this vow, you should get used to the experience OR start dating people with a different reaction.
GScott86 GScott86 8 years
If you can't tell him that's what you want to do, and if you do tell him and it scares him off, he's not the right guy for you. Period. If you can't be honest with a significant other, it won't work.
SeaAre86 SeaAre86 8 years
I agree with so many things people have already said - especially princess_eabs. I also want to applaud you for wanting to wait. Unfortunately, I agree with popgoestheworld in that sex seems to be expected in a long term relationship. However, I say stay true to your beliefs and make the right choices for YOU. I agree that you should tell him ASAP. Good luck! A guy who is scared of you wanting to wait isn't the right guy for YOU... because this is obviously something really important. If he respects you, he will understand. If he doesn't, his loss.
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
i agree with Pop -- obviously a guy who is scared by that isn't the guy you want to be with!
miss_english miss_english 8 years
You need to tell him as soon as you can... and I'm sure it will still be uncomfortable for you to do it. But, if he doesn't share your values and isn't willing to wait for you, then you probably can't have much of a future together, sadly. You deserve a companion who will accept and respect your decision because he cares for you! And I'm waiting for marriage too... I've been in a relationship with my guy for four years, and I was blessed to find someone who wanted to wait, too. Not to say it's easy... but I am totally convinced it will be worth it and that when the moment comes it will be wonderful. Good luck!!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
Your logic makes no sense at all. When you tell guys right away, they get scared off, therefore, you want to wait to tell them. Why wouldn't you want the wrong guys to run off as quickly as possible? Meanwhile, your trying to get them attached before giving the news is a double-edged sword. It's going to hurt YOU that much more when they bail. I hate to say it, but once you reach a certain age, sex is expected in a long-term relationship. It's in YOUR INTEREST to get this information to potential men as soon as possible to save everyone time and heart ache.
avantgardeology avantgardeology 8 years
I respect your choice to wait till marriage!!! If this guy TRULY respects you as a woman, and as a girlfriend, he will wait for sex. Three months isnt long at all to be dating. Do not ever be shy about confronting your bf or someone about your beliefs on waiting till marriage. I have always told my bfs before we had sex that I prefer to wait a while until we do it, because I want to be ready. Any man that doesnt respect your beliefs and choices on having sex till marriage, doesnt need to be with you. Sex is important in a relationship, but you can only have respect for one another by respecting your choices as individuals. Tell him, and if he is really the respectful guy that he should be, he will understand. If he turns his back on you, then you deserve better than that!!
brindey brindey 8 years
First, good girl for waiting. I am, and you are right- it is super hard to tell someone you really like that they aren't getting in your pants. I think, though, that you will be surprised at the answers you get. I have dated several amazing men and not one of them thought that my waiting until marriage was a bad thing.
tyffi tyffi 8 years
Waiting till marriage isn't my thing, but I always want to test things before I buy them. *lol* Seriously, though: you made your decision and you should stick to it. So, wait, but tell him you won't have sex before marriage. Be straight and honest, and stand to your decision. The worst thing that can happen is that he thinks your decision is stupid, but then he isn't the right guy for you anyway. However, you need to tell him ASAP - like others said before. Respect doesn't work one way. ;)
ang1885 ang1885 8 years
Tell him asap!
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