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You Asked: I'm a 25-Year-Old Virgin

You Asked: I'm a 25-Year-Old Virgin

Dear Sugar,

I recently turned 25, and I'm still a virgin, which really frustrates me. It's become such a big deal that it causes me anxiety on dates and with men in general. I think that if I can just get it over with, I'll be much less worried about it.

I have this good guy friend that I dated about four years ago but never had sex with for several reasons, the chief one being that I moved away to go to grad school before we got that far and the distance broke us up. This friend and I still hang out once a month and he always makes comments that lead me to believe he'd jump at the chance to sleep with me. I'm thinking about asking him to have sex with me just so I can get it over with. My friends say that it will ruin our friendship — it might, I suppose, but if that happened, I think I could handle it. I trust him, and I care for him as a friend, so I figure, why not? I am starting to feel like a freak. Do you have any advice?

— Really Ready Rachel

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Really Ready Rachel,

I completely understand why you feel awkward about still being a virgin. In our society, there is a lot of stigma around the age at which you lose your virginity, but it's upsetting to know that it's causing you so much distress. Try to remember that any guy that likes you will not suddenly like you less when you tell him that you're still a virgin. He might ask why you've waited, but it's unlikely that it will affect his opinion of you, and if it does then he's not the right guy anyway.

However, you sound very confident that you're ready to lose your virginity, so if you're determined to have sex now, I agree that a friend is a better option than some random guy at a bar. Keep in mind that while you may be willing to lose a friend over this, it's possible that he won't feel the same way. In fact, he may have feelings for you that he hasn't revealed, making sex something very different for each of you. The point is that things may be more complicated than just getting it over with. If you're going to do it, be ready for any consequence, and don't be afraid to embrace who you are — flaws and all. Good luck and be safe.


Join The Conversation
Frank-y-Ava Frank-y-Ava 9 years
it doesn't matter how old u are if ur not ready or haven't found the right person WAIT!! don't pay attention to ur loser friends who say sex is wonderful and they really wish they had waited. Don't do it till ur ready, marrying a person isn't necessarily the right person. so don't rush into marriage either, i've heard of 28 and 32 year old virgins, ur fine rachel!!
Zammaneh Zammaneh 9 years
I was in your position EXACTLY!!! I was 25 too. My best friend was also 25 and a Virgin and all of a sudden she was on the prowl to "lose" her viginity. Suddenly, everyone around me was having sex and people would tell me "don't do it. You can't miss what you've never had". Truth is, I lost my virginity to someone who didn't know I was a virgin, and I was kind of happy I lost it to someone I had no emotional attachment to but then I dated someone who was a horrible person and I became so emotionally attached to him because of sex. We were friends are first and I wish it had not gotten to that point. Don't do it for the sake of doing it because you think it's bad to be a virgin. If you feel like you're ready, or you are with someone you're SURE you want to do it with then go for it. Don't it because you're 25 or because you're a virgin, because those reasons are not good enough for the emotional roller coaster sex is attached too.
thegiraffe thegiraffe 9 years
Seriously, why feel so bad about it? As much as some people fuss about STAYING a virgin, why fuss over BEING one? It's just something natural that happens when the time and person are right, and when it does, it's so beautiful. It shouldn't be something you check off your list: Today: Lost virginity. +10 points. or something like that!
la2006 la2006 9 years
well i just turned 25 last month and i am still a virgin. I don't feel so good about this as i feel like the most uglish women alive. i'm black and of african descent livng in london and find that most men just don't find me attractive. i have no idea how to find love, i met a irish man over a dating wesbsite over the last year, he's lovely, but i doubt it will happen with him - for me he would be worth the wait. - wish it could happen with him so badly. but were are just good friends. i know he losted his virginity at 20 hes now nearly 31 - so he might understand. i told him that i have never had a boyfriend so i don't know if he knows i still a virgin. I have no idea if i should tell him. he did write me a e-mail saying 'pyure gals are the best and i want a pyure gal - i ask who he was talking about and he just said a gal that is purer than pure which i thought was so sweet of him. in my heart i want him to be my first it would be so perfect. anyway i have to go get some sleep, its great that theur are 'others' but i don;t want to be a 26 virgin.
kathynyc kathynyc 9 years
That's exactly how i felt but i was 19. I was ready to get it over with...but i ended up meeting my first real love and lost it to him, which made it all worth waiting for. I don't suggest you give yourself to this friend of yours because it could ruin your friendship.
sunshowers83 sunshowers83 9 years
trixiefire, I 100% agree with you. My virginity was not this precious thing that I had to choose a special guy to "give" it to. Haha, noooooo way. My sexuality belongs to ME. I OWN IT, always have and always will. Women need to realize that sex is for them as much as it is for men. I understand that everyone is entitled to their own reasons for doing it or not, but I don't think all reasons are necessarily beneficial or worthy of support. For one thing, as long as women continue to hold the belief that men are "taking" a part of us away, we will always be trapped within this pathetic victim mentality. Don't believe me? Just look at the words you use when you describe sex: "he took my virginity," "losing my virginity," "giving it up," etc. These terms all frame sex within a context of a power struggle between men and women, with the underlying assumptions that women are the weaker and men are the stronger, that women must lose in order for men to gain. These terms also characterize women's sexuality as a thing for a man to have and possess, instead of an innate and natural part of who we are. Come on, lades... obviously, this isn't doing women any favors. Some people equate remaining a virgin with maintaining control, but having sex doesn't have to mean losing control. In fact, it can be the opposite, and for me, it is. I never felt constrained or unable to enjoy sex simply because my Prince Charming had yet to come along. And when he did come along, I was more than ready. Some of you are proud of waiting - well, I'm proud of being completely at ease with my body and my enjoyment of sex, and I'm proud of being friggin amazing in the sack - trust me, my boyfriend definitely appreciates my level of experience. ;) So now some of you will think, "Okay, so you have a lot of fun in bed, but sex with your significant other should be special. How can it still be special when you've done it with a dozen other guys before?" I can assure you that it's not any less special - we should all know by now that it's not the act itself that possesses any significance, it's the connection that we have between us that makes it special. :)
Mythandariel Mythandariel 9 years
I know how you feel girl. We all have raging hormones and sex drives that don't stop so we can catch our breath. I am 28, and I am still a virgin. Why? I am too darned picky to just give it to even a friend. I have to deem this man worthy of my body and if he does not view me as the treasure that I am he is not worth the effort to respond to. I had a boyfriend a few years ago who I had dated for three years. He started pressuring me about a year and a half into the relationship about having sex with him. He seemed to be offended that I would not give myself to him. Finely he gave me an ultimatum, either have sex with him or he was out. I told him not to let the door hit his rear on the way out. The next week I got a little 'Helper' to deal with those times that I just want to chew the drywall off the ceiling. My mom recommended the vibrator. It works and you don't have to feel guilty about not calling it the next day. LOL Talk to your parents too. If their not religious sticks in the mud, they will help you with this issue. It's what parents are there for. Best friends are one thing, but your parents have been in this situation too believe it or not and they might have some good insight into what is really bothering you. Then could be the hormones. But we always have more batteries for that. :D
thegiraffe thegiraffe 9 years
I forgot to add:.. who will be turning 27 this year! So she's older than you and a virgin. Also, I think it might turn a lot of guys on to be with a virgin. Again, us girls can afford to hang on to this much longer than guys.
thegiraffe thegiraffe 9 years
Oh my god. DON'T do it. You're doing it for all the reasons. Seriously, virgin is not equal to freak. Also, feel lucky you're not a guy and a virgin; I think that's where the stigma in our society is even worse. For a girl, virginity is still considered a virtue by quite some people. If you need a popular role model to make you feel better and not like a freak, think of Adriana Lima.
trixiefire trixiefire 9 years
@PhatE: Yeah I know what I said sounds "bitter" but I'm just sayin'. I dont mind how I lost my virginity, but honestly, I think its archaic to put such a high value on it. Your pussies aint made outta gold, ladies.
boobalore boobalore 9 years
I was 20 when i lost my virginity. and now i'm glad i waited until it happened naturally in the course of my relationship, and didn't push for it. also, my bf was scared of taking it, because he didn't want to ruin it for me. silly, but i appreciated his waiting and being slow and making sure that i really wanted it. don't lose yours just because you feel weird. find a nice guy, that you want to be with anyway, and see how you feel then. i don't think it's necessary to wait, unless you aren't ready. you seem unready, and just feeling the pressures of society. don't worry about it. when i stopped worrying about not dating someone, it happened. find a healthy relationship, and it will make it that much better. good luck, and please do be safe. get whom ever you decide on tested. better safe than sorry.
smoochiez smoochiez 9 years
i just lost my virginity to this guy i have been dating (not together) for a month. I chose to have sex with him because i felt ready and also thought he truly cared about me. It wasn't till we were having sex that i realized that I probably should have waited. He seemed so focus on pleasing himself and was hardly paying attention to my needs. I am still sore and I was freaking out that I was bleeding a bit for two days. Now he never calls like he use to and ONLY texts me that he "misses" me... Its not like i regret it, i just wonder if I waited to have sex with him things would be different.... maybe a better experience...
Advah Advah 9 years
phatE, you have a very good point, but I see what Trixiefire means. A lot of comments directly *advocate* virginity, while I don't think any of the people who said it wasn't a problem to have sex said it in the same way, like "you should really have sex, it's ridiculous not too!!!". I feel personally offended by those who say one should wait to make the experience "special"; I understand their view, but I feel pointed at because I didn't "wait". Because you have sex with more than one person or even someone you are not in love with doesn't mean each time is not special, or that you don't respect yourself or your body. I feel quite the opposite. I completely understand and respect one's choice of not having sex, whether it is for religious or personal reasons. But as someone who made a different choice, I often feel uneasy expressing it here, simply because I'm afraid people are gonna judge me for my decision. Again, I definitely see there can be a social pressure to HAVE sex, but I don't think the answer should be in creating another social pressure NOT TO have sex, and that's sometimes how I feel towards some comments. This being said, I'll admit it's easy to misinterpret or feel offended by Internet comments, instead of talking directly to the person for instance, and I'm certainly guilty of that. :) I couldn't agree more with Kellylicious. Sex is a beautiful and personal experience, go with what you feel the most comfortable with. :)
Kellylicious Kellylicious 9 years
Rachel: You probably already know what you want to do - you just want to hear it from someone else. Read through everyone's answers and listen to their experiences. We don't know you well enough to tell you what to do, but I'm sure that some of these responses really hit home and are exactly what you are thinking for yourself. Best wishes with your decision - if you go for it, be safe. Some of the respondents: Every woman here has a different story, and we shouldn't judge each other about them. If you have chosen to be sexually active, and you are happy with it, so be it. If you are a virgin, and you are happy with it, so be it. We can use our stories of mistakes and good decisions to help others be wise and strong - and never do anything they feel like they HAVE to do in any aspect of life. Belittling each other about our choices can be women's worst quality. This is what makes us insecure and indecisive, which can lead to poor judgment. If you are proud of anything, be proud that we can make our own choices when it comes to sex. Not everyone does.
phatE phatE 9 years
trixiefire, you said: "I honestly dont know why people place such a high value on their virginity. Its just sex. Not having had it before doesnt make you some kind of better or morally superior person." and "being a virgin, and losing it "the right way" is still a high held task bar that women use against each other to feel superior." comments like that show you're insecurity towards the issue.. no one here has said these things, and I personally am not living my life to one up anyone, seems you're missing the point... morality, and religion is the issue for a lot of people, but that doesn't mean they think they're better.. it means it's personal..
leztnerp leztnerp 9 years
A lot of men would be thrilled to be your first, so don't think you have to lose it for someone else's sake. But as far as wanting to get it over and done with yourself, I think with a friend is certainly the best way to go, doing it with someone who really cares for you. Do what you want and don't let anyone tell you not to, whether that's keeping your pants on until you meet someone worth it or just getting it over and done with so you can stop fretting.
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 9 years
For the most part, I agree with these girls about waiting but I bet you've heard enough of that answer so here's an alternative: Even if you just want to have sex, don't think of losing your virginity as something you to "get it over with." Sex should not be a chore to complete. If you're willing to skip the emotional aspect and just want to get laid, at least try to think of it as a need for physical pleasure. You're never going to enjoy sex if you think of it the way you do now.
frimpled frimpled 9 years
I think it has everything to do with whether or not you are ready & comfortable with the person you're having sex with. I lost my virginity at 14 and I know most people freak out cause that's really young, but I don't regret it at all. We lost our virginities to each other and stayed together for 2 years after. We're still friends and I'm glad that I lost my virginity to someone I trusted and loved. He was my best friend and it was totally comfortable. I think that's the most important thing. I don't judge anyone for having sex early or late or whatever, just as long as they're being safe & comfortable and can communicate with their partner. It doesn't matter if you're in love/married/single/whatever as long as you're both ready :)
julie090583 julie090583 9 years
I've been there. At 23 all my friends were having sex and I felt like the odd one out. I couldn't relate at all when they talked about guys they were sleeping with, and I was constantly aware of the fact that I was a virgin, because I wasn't waiting for religious reasons or anything like that. I'd felt ready for a while but had bad luck with dating. It seemed like a ridiculous problem to have, but it plagued me. No one can tell you what the right thing for you is, but maybe hearing stories from other people will give you some insight. I almost had sex with a friend for the same reason as you, but ended up deciding against it at the last minute. It just didn't feel right. A week later I met a guy and after a month of dating I slept with him. I wasn't in love but I'm so glad I waited. I had no qualms about it and he didn't care at all or make it a big deal that I was a virgin. And the thing is, say I had slept with my friend- I still would've felt nervous and inexperienced with the guy I was dating- it took me a month or so of having sex to not feel like a novice, so just be warned that it's not a magic solution. I don't think there's anything wrong with sleeping with your friend but just be warned that things could get messy, and if you just wait a little longer the problem just might solve itself.
ufshutterbabe ufshutterbabe 9 years
I agree with Geebers and Advah - There's nothing wrong with being a virgin, but there's nothing wrong with being an adult who wants to experience sex either! I think you're past the teenage romanticized notions of what sex is and isn't - if you want to do it, go for it. If you feel it will help ease your anxiety about "dates and men in general" - thats an added bonus. I see nothing wrong with asking your friend to do this with you, as long as you are on the same page emotionally about it. Choosing this approach for your first time doesn't mean you are disrespecting yourself or that you aren't "worth the wait." Sexuality is one aspect of who you are, don't let it become a defining characteristic of how you view yourself, regardless of if you decide to remain a virgin or not.
trixiefire trixiefire 9 years
OOOoh wait I get it now: being a virgin, and losing it "the right way" is still a high held task bar that women use against each other to feel superior.
trixiefire trixiefire 9 years
I think you should go for it! You're making a conscious decision, its not like you're going to be used by this guy; if anything you'd be using him. If you're attracted to him, and want to have sex, then dont let anything else stop you. I honestly dont know why people place such a high value on their virginity. Its just sex. Not having had it before doesnt make you some kind of better or morally superior person.
brown_eyed_grrl brown_eyed_grrl 9 years
Just to note, there isn't anything wrong with being a virgin, but it sounds like this person wants to experience sex, and hasn't held off for religious reasons...
ElizabethRae ElizabethRae 9 years
Being a virgin is so FREEING!!! I don't get why people think it is bad. I waited until I got married and I NEVER had the stress of worrying if I was pregnant or if had an STD. I also LOVED being able to go on a date and not have to worry if we were going to have sex or not, I always knew the answer was 'No.' I also never worried that a guy was using me for sex. I still got my heart broken a time or two, but I never felt like I had lost it all because I never gave it all until the time was right. Enjoy life without the pressure that sex brings!
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