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You Asked: I'm Dating TWO Men and I'm So Confused

You Asked: I'm Dating TWO Men and I'm So Confused

Dear Sugar--

I broke up with my boyfriend of 16 months because he cheated and was not respectful to me about it. Soon afterwards, I happened to hook up with my best friend from childhood with whom I have always stayed in touch and I knew he always wanted me. I feel this strong profound love with him, and we decided to start a relationship two months ago. He is so committed in the relationship, but lately I feel a strong pull towards my ex. He lives near me and has been coming onto me, giving me attention, etc. while my current boyfriend lives far, in a different country.

Another reason I am feeling this pull is because I have been having financial problems. My ex does very well for himself and always helped pay my domestic and personal bills. Even if I try hard to keep away from him, I end up giving in because I need his help financially. When we get together, we always end up having sex which has always has been very good, but just confuses matters.

This morning my ex was telling me he wants to do whatever it takes to make things right with me. He is coming on strong and asking me to move in with him at whatever cost. I feel like am stuck and can't make a decision, and yet I know I can't continue being with two men and giving them hope. HELP!!

-- Stuck Stephanie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Stuck Stephanie --

It sounds like you just don't like being alone. Your ex betrayed you. Your best friend just happened to take his place and now you're betraying him???? Did you conveniently forget that your ex cheated on you and was disrespectful to you?!

It's pretty clear that you need to get a little bit of alone time to figure out who and what you want in a relationship. This should be the person you love deeply, connect with, and respect the most, not the one who pays for things or who happens to live the closest. You also need to figure out your financial situation so you can make enough money to pay your own bills - you shouldn't have to rely on your ex for financial stability.

I'm not sure what your arrangements are with your current boyfriend, but if he is committed to you (although in another country) and you are having sex with your ex, well, then you're both on different pages about the relationship. After you figure out who you want to be with (please do this soon!), you've got to be honest and break it off entirely with the other person. It's not fair to lead both men on just to suit your needs, especially since your current boyfriend clearly has no idea what's going on back at home. I wish you luck Stephanie in whatever decision you make.


Join The Conversation
maplesyrup maplesyrup 9 years
My advice is sound. Stop screwing your ex and stop relying on him financially.
cgmaetc cgmaetc 9 years
So it's money or love, huh? You know you want the ex because you want to "win" right? Rather than learning to support yourself, you want to lean on your ex. You like his cash and you think he's going to change (psst, he's not) but you can't see that because you just want him back. So get back with your ex, and send the nice, faithful, loving guy to me. Don't be selfish. let the good guy go to a good girl because that's what he deserves.
Dating-Coach-1 Dating-Coach-1 9 years
I learned personally that "like attracts like" - confusion, betrayal and fear attracts (you guessed it) confusion, betrayal and fear. You will continue this cycle until YOU do something about it! When I took some time off from dating and worked on getting my act together, two months later I met my husband and got married for the first time at age 43. (Yes, even in Los Angeles there are great, single available men). I'm sure it's hard to resist great sex and financial help, but ask yourself, "How's this working for me so far?" Good luck... You can do it -- it will be tough at first but worth it with your better future!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
You want to be with your ex for all the wrong reasons - financial support, the comfort of having someone nearby. That's not fair to him or to you. However I agree with the others. How can you break up with someone for cheating on you and then turn around and do it to someone else? It doesn't even seem like you are concerned about what you are doing to him. I vote with the others to be on your own, but I doubt that will happen since it seems like you need money and attention too badly.
sarar855 sarar855 9 years
it is difficult... i feel u girl... i think u should let both go... ur x because he cheated on u and from experience once a cheater always a cheater... ur current boyfriend because he is faithful and u are betraying him.... nobody deserves to be treated like that... but ive been there and i cant judge... its hard to be alone i no im alone and not used to it... take ur time figure out what u want to do and take it from there... it takes time... ♥ sara
LaLaLaurie06 LaLaLaurie06 9 years
i agree with dear. you broke up with your ex b/c he cheated on you, which you obviously didn't like, but then you turn around and do it to your new guy? maybe you and your ex deserve each other.
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