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You Asked: I'm Dreaming About My Ex!

You Asked: I'm Dreaming About My Ex!

Dear Sugar,

I have been in wonderful committed relationship going on three years, but recently I've been having very vivid sexual dreams about my ex-boyfriend. I think this might be linked to the fact that I just started birth control and my libido has virtually vanished. I long for the earlier times when sex was uninhibited and exciting like it was with my ex. Every time I have these dreams, I am aware that I'm in a relationship, but choose to cheat with my ex anyway. My boyfriend and I have always had a healthy sex life so what do you think these dreams mean and should I be worried? — Dreaming Deirdre

To see DearSugar's answer


Dear Deirdre,

First of all, starting a new method of birth control can definitely cause sexual side effects, but give your body some time to get adjusted. If things don't get better, ask your doctor for a new prescription — sometimes it takes some trial and error to find the right method for you. Not that that's out of the way, let's get to these dreams of yours!

I think it's perfectly normal to dream and fantasize about other men, but if you're jumping at the chance to cheat on your boyfriend in your sleep, your subconscious might be telling you something you're not ready to confront during your waking hours. Without reading too far into this, I'd first do some investigative work: How long have you been having these dreams? Do they happen after a fight? Do they happen after a certain topic of conversation? Did they start right after starting birth control?

Since your relationship is lacking in the bedroom, turn your attention on spicing things up behind closed doors — just because you're in a committed relationship doesn't mean your sex life has to suffer. Set the mood for romance, experiment with new positions, take sex out of the bedroom and get busy on your couch, your kitchen counter, or even in your shower! Simply getting out of your sexual rut could make your dreams come to an end just like that but if all else fails, talk to your boyfriend and let him know what's going on. Perhaps getting the guilt of these dreams off your chest will help you sleep easy. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 8 years
I hate the feeling I get from these dreams, I feel sad all day. I would follow the rest of Dear's advice but I wouldn't mention it to your bf unless he's really understand and not at all a jealous person. If you joke about it to him he might understand but it's not worth the risk. You can't control your dreams.
xoxoxx xoxoxx 8 years
Chill. Just a dream. So what if its your ex? As long as you don't try to actually fuck him, its not that major.
divinedebris divinedebris 8 years
Eh, dreams are dreams and will be safe as long as you don't act on them in your real life. Sheesh, I dreamed about Noah Wyle last night, circa John Carter on ER.. :) Fun, but I'll never act on it. Don't worry too much about it, if all is going on great in life, then don't worry.
citizenkane citizenkane 8 years
I agree with AnnaLove about not mentioning it to your current bf. Its just a dream. Good grief, if I read into all of the crazy sh*t I dream about, I would need a million years of therapy. Usually when I have dreams similar to the ones you're describing, it was right after something happened that triggered a memory about the hearing a song on the radio, or a movie line, etc. I say it is no big deal.
AnnaLove AnnaLove 8 years
I would NOT tell your boyfriend what's going on. His self esteem would be crushed... This sounds pretty normal to me. Throughout my pregnancy I've had all kinds of crazy sex dreams, so changes in chemistry are a definite factor.
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