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You Asked: I'm Having an Affair

You Asked: I'm Having an Affair

Dear Sugar,

I have been having an affair with my boss for almost eight months. I've been married for five years, and we have a son together. My boss is married with two daughters, and his eldest is almost my age; yes he's 43 and I'm 25. My husband travels a lot for work, which is how I found myself in this predicament. I can't seem to get my boss out of my head or my heart. If I don't see him, I feel restless and I take out my anger on my son. My boss has a 101 reasons why we have to keep our affair a secret, even though he was the one who said he loved me first. Now I don't know what to do. I don't love my husband anymore, we haven't had sex in months, and I always have my boss on mind. Please help me, what should I do? — Having an Affair Hannah

To see DearSugar's answer


Dear Having an Affair Hannah —

I don't need to tell you that having an affair is wrong, so let's get you out of this situation ASAP. The main thing that alarms me here is the fact that you're taking your aggression out on your son. He is not at fault and neither is your husband's travel schedule. You've gotten yourself into a horrible love triangle, so take the anger you feel as a sign that you're in way too far over your head. The thing about affairs is that they typically never end well. He has made it very clear that nothing can come out of this relationship and you need to believe him. Although you no longer love your husband, it's time to end this affair.

First things first — you must quit your job and come clean with your husband. Perhaps he could make an effort to cut down his travel schedule so you can spend more time working on your marriage. Couples counseling would also be a great help, but at the end of the day, if you feel your relationship has run its course, it might be best for everyone involved if you go your separate ways. Be true to yourself Hannah, and remember that you deserve more than being someone's little secret. You have a family that I'm sure adores you, so take some time to yourself if you need it and reassess your priorities. I hope everything works out and good luck to you.


Join The Conversation
kiranjesh kiranjesh 8 years
hey dear... quit all ur relation with ur boss n with ur husband too.. start a fresh life... if ur husband want a kid.. ,give him.. or he dont want, u only take care of it.. but came out of all this.. take care
pasrfirst pasrfirst 8 years
You've fallen for the oldest line in the book! You're young and confused and you need to sort your life out. 1. If you don't love your husband, leave him. 2. Your boyfriend is most unlikely to leave his wife for you. He's found a younger woman who gives into his every need (besides the needs his wife fulfills). End it! I know it's going to be very difficult, but the longer you hang around, the more hurt you're likely to end up!
pdchsr pdchsr 9 years
I understand completely i am in a similar situation, i have been married for almost 5 years and have been having an affair with the same man for 2 years, i love my husband but we are so different, at times i wish he was having an affair and would go to her, but i dont think he is, my partner is also married with 2 children, we have never discussed leaving our spouses for one another, so i am not i a situation where i am expecting something that i am not going to get, it sound however like your marriage is over, i know its hard to leave but maybe you should do i for yourself and your son!
dmg923 dmg923 9 years
Affairs are the best example of "gray area". I cheated emotionally and physically on my ex for several months with a man I thought i wanted to leave him for. The guy I was cheating with ended up ending it with me and was married to another girl 4 months after that. I felt like an idiot and went back to working on my relationship with my boyfriend and even though things didn't work out in the end with him I learned so much from our relationship and my unfaithful actions. Advice...get out while you still can. Come clean. And decide if you marriage is worth fighting for. If it isn't try and make a clean break and support your son through it all.
yadiet yadiet 9 years
You NEED to leave your job. And you NEED to come clean with your husband. It's not fair to him what you are doing. Put yourself in your husband's shoes. Working crazy hours to make a living for his wife and son; while his wife is screwing around. Very wrong. And the fact that your taken your frustration on your baby is not good. You have placed yourself in a perdicament that is not easy. But your best bet is being honest with yourself and your husband.. and btw? if your boss is cheating on his wife, what makes YOU think that if a relationship were to come out of all of this he won't do it to you??
petite42 petite42 9 years
People have affairs because they are avoiding intimacy in their primary relationships. So your boss is having an affair with you, to avoid intimacy in his marriage. And you are having an affair with your boss, to avoid intimacy with your husband. And *also* with your son. Maybe you have good reason to want to avoid the relationship with your husband, but you've got a little innocent guy there who doesn't deserve this. My suggestion is that you focus on that son of yours. You are cheating him by not being the best mother you could be. Your energies and thoughts and focus are in the wrong direction. Your son is getting ignored or yelled at. That is very sad. :-( Being a mom is hard, and it's particularly hard when you have an absentee husband who's always traveling. I do get that. But absenteeing yourself too.... being emotionally unavailable to your son, because all your emotions are going towards the affair, that is just so unfair to your son. It breaks my heart.
the-dude the-dude 9 years
youre a real garbage bag.People like she should not breed.
oh-cecilia-baby oh-cecilia-baby 9 years
ooooh hannah. my heart goes out to you :(
teesa teesa 9 years
Well... I was involved with a married man. We met when he and his wife were separated. It didn't work. Kids were involved, the main reason we didn't last. I can tell you that living a lie will get you nowhere. You will end up losing your self worth and that boss of yours will not be around to pick you up. Just leave your husband if you don't love him anymore. If you don't love him, there is no sense in wasting his time as well as yours. Not only that, try to make sure you don't hurt your son anymore. He deserves a stable and happy life. The truth is the best solution. It may not seem like it now but trust me it is. Good luck.
mecita mecita 9 years
Many of these posters sound young, naive, judgemental and very, very unexperienced. Of course, just because some have compassion; not all are cheaters - maybe they've just been married a long time and have lived and seen much. I don't want to be the one to break it to you all but............. life is not a fairytale. Spouses mess up, sometimes badly. Maybe not with cheating but there are a whole bunch of ways to ruin a marriage and a family (many worse than cheating). My hope for you all is that you have the opportunity to experience a real union - between two real, human people. To the poster, you are so deep in this situation that you no longer have any perspective. If you have the desire to continue to be selfish, disrespectful and really, really hurt your husband, then tell him about the affair. If not, then do not tell him this. Quit your job. Go to counseling (and maybe to church) to figure out why you cheated in the first place. Your lack of love for your husband is probably due to your obsession with this other man. Once you seperate yourself from that situation you may have more perspective. Be very careful of how you treat your son. Reading between the lines: sounds like you resent your son. Check yourself on that and quick! Marriage is a forever commitment. Keep that at the forefront of your mind as you attempt to untangle yourself from this situation. There must be a small voice that's telling you that what you're in is .... stupid. Real happiness is on the other side.
Aristotrash Aristotrash 9 years
Um, you are making a lot of bad decisions right now and the fact that you are posting this question indicates that you know that. But there is nothing you can do other than STOP. Stop having an affair with your boss because it's wrong on so many levels: because you're married, because he's married, because it's affecting your relationship with your kid, because the situation could get very messy very quickly ... you know what you have to do and only you can do it. Stop reading these messages and fix the situation like a grown woman would. (Whatever you decide to do with your marriage after that is secondary.)
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 9 years
I am trying to work on being compassionate, but you are saying that it is not your fault and you are in a predicament cause your husband goes out of town. let me give you a clue, you chose to cheat, you are to blame now take it like a woman. What your boss is doing is illegal and unethical and the fact that you believe him is bad. Anwyay, get out of the situation by finding another joband get a divorce. The way you mention, you do not love him anymore so spare him the hurt of telling him and the couseling. Just move on an start elsewhere. Oh and make it a priority to work on your anger, your kid is not at fault for your sucky decisions so do not take them out on him.
Fantastikja4 Fantastikja4 9 years
im really sorry for you. this is a very delicate situation that you are in.try to think and do what's best for you and your kid also try to be honest with your husband and talk to him.i would like to tell the people who judge that they should be in a situation to talk about can happen to everybody or are we talking with all angels here?!
Msmarie07 Msmarie07 9 years
Apparently nobody ever told you that they never leave their wife! Especially not for the loose girl at work that gives it up to a married man. All you did is prove a point. To him you have no morals or standards, nor do you value your self. So WHY SHOULD HE! You are the perfect "side piece" because you dont even realize that you should be demanding more. Start kissing up to that husband but I hardly doubt he wants your leftovers. And like someone above me said I'm sure he has a piece just like you already anyway. And one last word of advice.. dont get married unless you take the vows seriously and can keep your legs shut regardless of what man comes around throwing the "L" word at you.
Alia-Miller Alia-Miller 9 years
I know it's hard, but you've got a long list of responsibilities. We loathe HUSBAND-stealers as much as we loathe cheating HUSBANDS. Think girl, think. And good luck.
chancleta chancleta 9 years
pps very well put vmruby
chancleta chancleta 9 years
ps i don't agree with almost famous just because he travels does not mean he's cheating lots of men have jobs that demand travel and extra time it's unfair to make the assumption that travel = infidelity this young lady needs to accept not deflect
chancleta chancleta 9 years
this may sound mean but: i think you're not ready or mature enough yet to be a wife and mom. kindly divorce your husband and give him custody your husband needs a different kind of person your son deserves better care and you need to be single once your single talk to your boss straight up and see if he's willing to be with you or if he's only interested in affairs
cittypark cittypark 9 years
you're boss obviously does not want to leave his own marriage even if he does love you. so you can either carry on like this or you can try to start over. do it for your kids. why would you do this to them? don't be selfish.
Jenna-Marie22 Jenna-Marie22 9 years
"I can't seem to get my boss out of my head or my heart. If I don't see him, I feel restless and I take out my anger on my son." Thats the most disgusting thing I have ever heard.
elmendoa elmendoa 9 years
people make mistakes, and everyone has weak moments. i think it's sad that people are attacking this woman...maybe tough love is what she needs, but a little compassion never hurt...
elmendoa elmendoa 9 years
25 is a hard age. it's like you are re-discovering yourself and a different person than you were when you were in your early 20's. have faith in yourself that you have the strength to get through all of this, and don't rely on the superficiality of an affair. it's always the "honeymoon" when it starts, remember how you and your husband were when you first started dating. the grass isnt always greener on the other side. either way, u should go talk to someone who can help you asses the situation in person...
vmruby vmruby 9 years
What a terrible thing to do to a child (it's abusive) and IMO you don't deserve him .Your husband is out traveling constantly, earning a living for you and your family (which by the way I'm sure you were aware of before you married him)and you're trying to blame him for your lack of respect for yourself, your marriage, and the marriage of the man you're sleeping with who is also married.Lady you're a piece of work.My only wish for you and your idiot lover is that you both get caught.......
sunlake sunlake 9 years
I just think this whole situation is so sad. Your actions are so selfish and all for your own pleasure, and yet you cannot see how many people's lives you've affected: Your husband's, your son's, your boss's wife, your boss's children. Neither your son nor your boss's kids deserve the hurt that you and your boss are creating. Do you not have the foresight to see this? Do you just not care? I dated a wonderful man for a couple of months who had, unfortunately, been married to a woman who did the same exact thing you're doing right now. She made excuses for why she was having the affair-- "My husband works too much. I don't have any friends." B.S. She ruined his life-- not only marriage-wise, but emotionally, socially. He has such major issues now because of her. He is such a wonderful person. You are just as selfish as she is, especially since you have your son. Get some counseling, break it off with your boss, quit your job and find something else, fess up to your husband, and really work on your relationship with your son. It sickens me how selfish people are.
Blessed2x Blessed2x 9 years
well put brown_eyed_grrl. Wonder what advice she expected.
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