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You Asked: I'm Having a Flower Girl Dilemma — Help!

You Asked: I'm Having a Flower Girl Dilemma — Help!

Dear Sugar,

I'm getting married in December but I'm having a major flower girl dilemma. I had first asked my cousin's oldest daughter (she's 10) but when I recently visited her, she asked me if she could "pretty please be a junior bridesmaid" because she felt she was too old to be a flower girl. I said yes without thinking about who would replace her. My dad who has actually been very active in helping me plan my wedding is dating a very sweet woman with two young girls. I have had the chance to bond with them multiple times and I think her oldest (who is 4) would be perfect for the job, but there is a small problem — my mom would be heartbroken. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but at the same time I want to include my Dad and his girlfriend in the wedding, too. I'm totally torn, do you have any advice? — Frazzled Bride Brenda

To see DearSugar's answer


Dear Frazzled Bride Brenda,

While this is your big day, if asking your father's girlfriend's daughter to be your flower girl will cause more harm than good, it might behoove you to ask someone else or skip out on having a flower girl all together. Since you're clearly close with your dad and his girlfriend's family, perhaps you can ask them to participate in another aspect of your wedding — they could pass out programs or hold your bouquet while you take your vows.

If your heart is set on having her in your wedding, talk to you mom and ask her how she'd feel — you might just be making an assumption here. With that said, your wedding day is a big day for your parents, too, so if in fact she's not too keen on the idea, I advise you to not extend the offer. Your wedding is going to be stressful enough as it is, you don't need to add more pressure to yourself by worrying about your mom's hurt feelings. I hope it all works out at the end and congratulations!

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Join The Conversation
luxington luxington 9 years
You can still get married without unnecessary crap like a flower girl.
ShePirate2010 ShePirate2010 9 years
I agree with the lot of them...sit down with your mother and explain the flower girl dilema.....if she is any mother she will understand that it is your wedding, that you love her and that you want a flower girl to make 'YOUR' wedding memorable and having included everyone!!! :) you can do it sweetie!!!!!
rebelde816 rebelde816 9 years
Your mom shouldn't be the one to decide whether or not because it's YOUR wedding. But tell her at least, you want to make sure that she won't get mad anyway.
xoxoxx xoxoxx 9 years
I'd do whatever the hell I want on my wedding day...its good to consider others feelings, especially your mom's; but its YOUR day...if you want the wee one to be your flower girl, then have at it. I'm sure she wouldn't create a fuss, and if she did - she'd certainly get over it. Also, good luck with the junior bridesmaid thing...I hated being in weddings when I was 10 [I just went for the food, sorry Aunt], so I don't know how that'll really work out.
emalove emalove 9 years
I'd skip the flower girl's not worth upsetting your mom and causing any unnecessary tension on your big day. Trust me, you'll have plenty of other things to think about. And I highly doubt your father's girlfriend would be mad at you for not asking her daughters to be in your wedding.
K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 9 years
Talk to your mother about it, but don't let her control your decision. I imagine that your father, his girlfriend, and her little girls will already be at the wedding. Would it be that hurtful if one of them were your flower girl? I'd hope your mother would be more respectful of you and your husband-to-be than to cause melodrama over the role of one girl who will undoubtedly already be at the wedding.
looseseal looseseal 9 years
I'd go without the flower girl. Even though everything might be fine, why open yet another thing up for the possibility of disaster (or even awkwardness)? Especially something that's not all that essential in the first place. It's just not worth it, imo. You probably have plenty of other things to worry about as it is. (I say "yet another" because... 10 year old junior bridesmaid? Yeah, good luck with that. I understand, 'cause I would have wanted to be a bridesmaid at 10, too. But that would have been because I wanted to have a pretty dress and get some attention. I would have cared more about what I wanted than the fact this is other people's special day, you know? Cause I was 10 years old. Okay, maybe this isn't representative of how all 10 year olds think, but it's likely... yeah. Good luck.)
lawchick lawchick 9 years
your mom is going to be hurt, but she will get over it, and your little flower girl will be adorable! my parents had a nasty divorce, too, and it was very hard trying to include both in my wedding plans. they managed to get along "ok" on the actual day, but there was a lot of grumbling by my mom along the way. I empathize with you. Your mom cannot help how she feels, but hopefully she can control her reactions in such a way that it won't make you feel bad, too. Good luck.
nikecold nikecold 9 years
Honestly I think you should just skip the flower girl. I know you want your father to feel included but you don't need his girlfriend's daughter to be in your wedding to do that. I think if you really want the kid in your wedding then talk to your mom, but I can't imagine her being to happy about it, and I can't say I'd blame her but it is your wedding after all. That being said I don't get why you would want this woman's daughter in your wedding however sweet she may be...then again I may be biased because my whole stepmother situation is bad.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
I would do as the others said. Bring it up casually and acts as if it's not a big deal. I'm sure if your mother is mature and cares about you, it won't be a big deal to her either. Even if at first she doesn't like it, I'm sure the day of your wedding she will be so overwhelmed with happiness she'll let it go easliy.
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 9 years
i would only want ppl who are definitely family or friends in the wedding. since your dad is just dating the woman, no matter how great she or her daughters may be, i wouldnt ask, but thats just me. Also, im sure this day is VERY important for your mom... are there no little girls on the groom's side?
Berlin Berlin 9 years
Your mom would be heartbroken? She needs to step back and realize it's her day! (I think she may have a bit of control issues here, as well as being highly emotional due to 'losing' her daughter) It just all comes out at wedding after all. Once she realizes it is special to you, she should be supportive. She may just be worried that she'll be pushed away especially if she has no S.O and your father does and his gf's daughter is in the wedding. Just make everyone feel included and special. And again remind them it is your day that you've been looking forward to and this will make you really happy!
hautepink7 hautepink7 9 years
Sit down, talk to her about it, and see how she feels about it... You're all grown ups, and hopefully this isn't about some kind of power struggle. Just remember, it's YOUR day and you should have everything YOU want. By the way, I was a flower girl for my aunt's wedding when I was four or five, and apparently I forgot to toss the flowers on the big day... lol xD
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
My niece was 3 and she did fine at my wedding, that said, You need to just sit down with your mom and tell her that you are going to have your dads gfs daughter or daughters as flowergirls and see what she says, if her feelings are hurt, ask why, if she thinks its tacky ask why, ultimatly its YOUR DAY not your moms and although you want to spare her feelings, THEY decided to get divorced not YOU and thats the bottom line. Before my wedding my father who was remarried at the time, wanted to bring his new wife and stepson, I asked my mom if she was going to be okay with that and she said "its not about me, I want what you want" and i wanted him there. (not a happy divorce by the way) She had a good time and so did they,....its called being amicable and grown up.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
why would your mom be heartbroken? give mom some credit. did she raise you to be kind or hold grudges for other people? would she want you to embrace the woman who loves your father or is she stuck in the past of their former relationship? doesn't reflect very well on your mom to say she would be "heartbroken". jmho, 4 is too young to be a flower girl.
jillerin457 jillerin457 9 years
Yeah, you really don't need a flower girl. But this could've been avoided if you had been able to stand up to a 10-year-old. When did our society start letting kids call the shots, anyway?
WhatTheFrockBlog WhatTheFrockBlog 9 years
I agree that you don't need a flower girl. Most of the weddings I've been to haven't had one. If it's going to cause that much drama, I'd just go without.
Rozenaut Rozenaut 9 years
I didn't have a flower girl in my wedding. There just weren't any little girls in the family. And it didn't make my wedding any less wonderful. But yeah, if you feel like you really want a flower girl, it would be best to talk to your mother before asking. If it's going to be a problem, it might be best to just not have one at all.
Beaner Beaner 9 years
I say the more the merrier. I'm having 5 flower girls, because I wanted people to feel included, and not leave anyone out. It's very sweet that you're thinking of your mother's feelings, but this is your wedding. And I think it's great to include your father's new family. I'd have a talk with your mom and explain that you don't want to hurt her feelings. And on your wedding day, give her a special job to do on your wedding day, so she feels important. Of course, she will also be the mother of the bride, which will make her so happy, she'll forget about anything that's upsetting her.
kikidawn kikidawn 9 years
I agree with skigurl. Just bring it up casually. Don't make this any bigger than it already is.
snarkypants snarkypants 9 years
you don't NEED a flower girl. i agree with dear. if it's gonna cause drama, go without a flower girl. i've been to plenty of flower-girless weddings!
Kimpossible Kimpossible 9 years
I agree with jaxon.
skigurl skigurl 9 years
i don't think that the mom would be any less hurt if you had the dad/girlfriend help in other ways. frankly, if the mom is going to be hurt (because she's obviously hurt from their divorce) then she is going to be hurt anyway, regardless of their involvement so i would say, sit your mom down, and start off by saying "i dont have a flower girl, i dont know what to do, im a bit stressed about this. what do you think i should do?" and then casually throw in "the only little girls i know are girlfriend's two girls....the oldest is 4, and super cute, she might be good, but would that be weird for you?" and see what she playing it off casually she has the ability to say "oh god no" or make a face or show her displeasure and you can be like "yah you're right...maybe i just won't have one" and move on.
jaxon jaxon 9 years
I would not worry about it too much. Sit down and talk with your mother BEFORE you ask them to participate. That way she is not blindsided. If she will be too hurt my daughter is almost 3 and really cute! She could your flower girl lol Your mom will understand, she may not like it be she knows this is your special day and you have to do what is best. Treat her to a make over and help her find a date to your wedding. That way dad and his gf will be there but she will have someone as well
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