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You Asked: I'm Having Major Cold Feet

You Asked: I'm Having Major Cold Feet

Dear Sugar,

I have a serious dilemma. My fiancé and I have been together for four and a half years, living together for three, and engaged for five months. We set a date and everything was great, except I started to get very nervous — I have major cold feet! I love him dearly and our relationship is awesome except for a few things: I wish we had a better sex life and I struggle with having more of a social need than him. I want a little spontaneity in my life, I am only 23!

Though I'm having cold feet, I don't want to lose such a great person by letting my fear get the best of me. I decided that I needed to be alone and live by myself for a while so I could figure this all this out. He moved out a week ago, and I am not missing him that much. I see him everyday and we are still together, we're just living separately.

I am completely confused and need advice as to what to do. Does age really matter when it comes to marriage? Does hot sex really matter? Please help! I'd rather not get married then get married and get divorced. — Cold Feet Courtney

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Cold Feet Courtney,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having second thoughts about your upcoming wedding, but for the record, I think you're doing the right thing by making sure you're ready for this major commitment. If you're feeling like this relationship is holding you back in any way, you have to decide if you think you can grow as a couple or if you'll only be able to flourish on your own. All couples are different and while some feel marrying young is a bad idea, it works for others. This is a personal decision you're going to have to make for yourself, but if you're not openly talking about your feelings with your fiancé, I suggest you do so immediately.

The fact that you're not missing him is a red flag to me — most of the time distance makes the heart grow fonder — so if you don't feel the time is right to take this next step, call off the engagement. If you truly love him but you're just scared, consider postponing the wedding so you can work through the issues that are making you doubt your future. At the end of the day, you're going to have to follow your instincts and your heart. I wish you luck.


Join The Conversation
hissing-fauna hissing-fauna 8 years
For one thing, just because your engaged does not mean you have to be on cloud nine. When I was engaged I never got cold feet, but I was stressed out and me and my fiance faught a lot! I kept expecting it to be a perfect, happy time, but that comes after marriage I've found. I got married at 21, and it was the absolute best choice for me. I was sad to read your question! I feel for you, with my husband, I never knew he was the ONE like some people talk about, in fact, up until he proposed I didn't even know if he was the right man for me to marry! I'm glad we did get married though and it is the absolute best decision of my life, I just love being married and I never feel like I'm missing out on anything. Anything I want to do in life I plan to do it with my husband right by my side. Sex isn't always fantastic for us either, but I think that's really something you can work on. Sex is important but great sex does not make a good relationship at all. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you!
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
Like I said in a previous post, the top 2 reasons couples fight or divorce: sex and money. You are doing the right thing. You are still so young, you need to have some more experiences before settling down. If you are not happy with him now, getting married will not suddenly make things great. Trust your own feelings.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
Sex matters. If he won't work on your sex life then this is a major red flag. Sex is not difficult and it's not hard to learn what you like in bed. If he is a lazy giver then this is going to move into other areas too once you are married. It begins in the bedroom and it moves it's way out to the housework, the KIDS (COULD YOU SEE YOURSELF PREGNANT BY HIM??) and everything else. Sigh. It sounds like this is just not meant to be. I'm sorry that you are going to break his heart but it's for the best. :( I would consider counselling first to see if you can resolve your issues because 4 years /is/ a long time but it's not a /lifetime/ of resentment!!!!!!!!
pixelhaze pixelhaze 8 years
the not missing him is a red flag, depending in what you mean. Do you not miss living together or just not miss him at all? Even if he is the right person for you maybe you're just not ready to get married, so perhaps a long engagement is the way to go for you. Definitely get counseling.
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
i've lived with my fiance since about 2 months into our relationship and there are soo many times that i think that it would be nice to have time away from him and to live on my own. ...yet i haven't had that luxury. i'm staying at my moms this weekend and i'm thrilled with the space but hs's calling me all upset that he misses me. i don't know what to say about that since to be honest i don't miss him that much. i think that part of knowing what's right for you is knowing what makes you feel good about things, and if you think that maybe this is more than just cold feet then it's something that you need to talk over with your man. i wish you the best of luck though - it's a hard decision to make.
clareberrys clareberrys 8 years
Honestly, do what you feel is right. Follow your instinct. Maybe go to therapy to work on your own issues. Also, sex life is easy to improve upon, but you need to be willing to work on it. I started dating my boyfriend at 19 and I am now 22 and I know that we will get married one day. We are living together now, but are not ready to get married yet. Maybe that is the issue. Marriage does change things. I dont know your previous relationships, but if this is your only boyfriend that could be the problem. I had a long term relationship and several other short term relationships/ partners before I met my current bf and I was able to know what I did and did not want. I also partied VERY hard before I met my bf and still continued to party when we got together. If he loves you he will understand that you want to make sure that you are making the right decision and he will respect that. Good luck!
gLam-shortie gLam-shortie 8 years
uh, I'm SOOO THERE WITH YOU!!! I'm currently 20, and I have been with my boyfriend since 19...(we've been dating for 15 months) and I am curious to how I am ever going to figure my future out. I do love my boyfriend, and I think he and I will be together for a very long time. BUT. If he DID end up being the "one" and if we do end up getting engaged later down the road, i would wonder the same thing. I have NEVER been single in college, and will never be as long as i keep dating him, and i feel like I'm missing out on a major component in my life. (I LOVE partying and meeting new people) It's a never-ending you stick with a great man and miss out on all the fun you could be having in your 20s that you could never get back, or leave him to go have the time of your life, but could potentially end up letting go of your best friend/lover?
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
Listen to me: SEX MATTERS. No, of course it's not an occasion for divorce, but you should definitely pay attention to your feelings right now. 23 is really young. I recently got out of a horrible breakup from my 3-year live-in relationship, and I'm very happy I'm not chained to someone who was completely uninterested in even trying to have sex. Being passionate about the other person is absolutely essential. Can you see yourself having great conversations with him in 50 years? Does the idea excite you? These are things you should think about.
baybelle baybelle 8 years
I got married at 29 - and I totally loved my 20s and was ready to give my marriage my all at that time. Plus I'd had a few relationships and knew what *didn't* work. I think it's good you're being cautious. Perhaps a longer engagement would help? But don't stay with the guy just because he's a great person. Stay with him because you WANT to. There are plenty of great guys out there who could be better for you.
Jessiebanana Jessiebanana 8 years
I definitly think it is great that you're being cautious. In this day and age 23 is early. My motto is if you're going to be together forever, what is a couple of more years to be sure. I think you should continue living apart, see a counselor, and postpone the wedding. You've been with him since you were 18/19 so it doesn't sound like you've had a lot of sex partners. You have to ask yourself if this is a chemistry problem or a technique problem. Technique can be improved upon, but you're stuck with the chemistry you have. Sex isn't everything in a relationship, but when it's a problem it can take on a life of its own.
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
Right! 'then I would say make up your mind and don't waste his time.' that's what YOU would say... but MY comment was... "She appreciates her own space...trivial in the scope of problems. Talk to a woman who's fiance cheated or is stuck in Iraq. Make up your mind and don't waste his time." I meant exactly what I said and it didn't need an appendix.
designerel designerel 8 years
I think you made the right choice by deciding to live apart, and I hope your fiance was very understanding about it. You don't need to break things off-- just have a prolonged engagement, get counseling and communicate with your fiance. Marriage is a huge step, and you want to be sure and fully committed before going through with it.
graylen graylen 8 years
Trivial to those people, not to her. I don't think she should be looked down on for being cautious about a decision as big as marriage. Now if she dragged this on for months and months, then I would say make up your mind and don't waste his time. The only thing about this is that it seems he's been your boyfriend since you were 18/19. 18 and 19 to 23 harbor a lot of big changes for most people. I don't think it's unusual for you to be unsure. I would call off the engagement and take it slow. He's only been gone a week. I don't think that's enough time to be able to tell if you miss him. I do think you should work on your sex life and also having a life outside of him (with close friends, etc). Maybe work on trying to make some couple friends so that you and him could do social things together that would be fun for both of you.
runningesq runningesq 8 years
Pre marital counseling may be really helpful for BOTH of you guys ... to talk about what you want and expect in a marriage, how you'll deal with problems -- and also, the concerns you are dealing with NOW. Good luck with whatever you decide to do !
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
She appreciates her own space...trivial in the scope of problems. Talk to a woman who's fiance cheated or is stuck in Iraq. Make up your mind and don't waste his time.
zcoral zcoral 8 years
Thank you for posting this Cold Feet Courtney! I am in the exact - EXACT - same situation, I am even the same age as you! As a matter of fact, I am wondering if one of my friends wrote this posing as me... =) I will be reading the advice as well and am glad to see I am not the only one going through this.
bchicgrl bchicgrl 8 years
I couldn't even begin to imagine getting married at 23 and I'm sorry but if you haven't been able to enjoy being in your early 20's which imo is when you party and party hard (i surely did) then it sounds like your holding yourself back and trying to settle too soon. I know not everyone is into the party scene but I really think that is the time when you truly get to know yourself and grow as an individual. I would suggest talking to him about putting off the date for another yr or so, just because you have been together for 4 yrs doesn't mean you need to get married next week. As for the sex life, talk to him, try new things in bed, watch porn (hey it sometimes works) or go to a sex therapist. You might just be stuck in a rut.
sass317 sass317 8 years
I wouldnt have wanted to be married that young personally- but the thing is that when you are married you want to marry someone who is both your lover and your friend. There will be times when you are more lovers and times when you are more friends- you want to make sure that you can stand the person your with when the "less than lovers" part comes around. You can always spice things up in the bedroom, but you cant fake the intimacy that comes with your spouse being your best friend. That being said- if you truly dont miss him (but that would be difficult since you said you see each other every day) and you cant see yourself growing old with him, then let him go. He might be a great guy, like you said, but maybe hes not the RIGHT guy for you.
CoMMember13630786602261 CoMMember13630786602261 8 years
(of course this is his side of the story)
CoMMember13630786602261 CoMMember13630786602261 8 years
I also agree with Skigurl. If you feel like you still have alot of living to do before you settle down, then please dont get married. My boyfriend and his ex wife got married young and they have a 2 year old son together. She was NOT ready to be a mother or a wife. She was always out partying with her friends, leaving him alone with their son, sometimes for the entire weekend (while she was breastfeeding) She eventually ended up cheating on him with a few different guys, and then asked him to give her a divorce and told him he could keep their son, because she just didnt want to be a wife or a mom anymore. For all parties involved, its better, if you are feeling this way, to get out now.
CoMMember13630786602261 CoMMember13630786602261 8 years
While having sex isnt the most important thing in a relationship, it can quickly rise to the top of the list. Granted, it can be something that can easily be worked and approved upon. But if you have tried talking to him about spicing it up in the bedroom and nothing has changed then this might be an indicator. I dont want you to freak out and call of the wedding because of this. You should definatly try spicing things up before you make any rash decisions. BUT, I think having good sex really is essential to a good marraige/relationship. You dont want to be 35 and completely bored with your sex life, that will most likely lead to a very unhappy marriage and possibly even affairs. Its not going to get better unless you talk to him about it and work on it. When sex is boring, really the only person to blame is yourself. It doesnt take much to take command of the situation and kick it up a notch, and Im sure your fiance would be totally down for whatever you throw out there.
skigurl skigurl 8 years
if you're not missing him, yes, that's an issue, like dear said and the fact that you ended your letter with "i'd rather not get married than getting married and divorced" signals that your feelings about this are very strong. most engaged couples don't mention the word "divorce"! you should be over the moon and crazy in love and think you'll never be apart! if you can't be like that now, you never will be! you could probably use some individual therapy and possibly sex or couples therapy if you feel like you want to make it work. if not, break off the engagement and give yourself space. if you find you're able to move on pretty quickly and become a free spirited 23 year old party animal without him, and enjoy it, then you'll know marriage isn't for you. but remember, true love doesn't come around every day and most people would die to be in love and engaged to a great man, so don't let him go just because you wish you could party more!
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