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You Asked: I'm Heart-Broken, HELP!

You Asked: I'm Heart-Broken, HELP!

Dear Sugar--

I feel devastated. My boyfriend broke up with me today. He was my first boyfriend and honestly the one that I thought I would end up with. We met in our last year of high school and broke up two years later. A year later we got back together, and now today we broke up. A 5 1/2 year relationship - done. Initially, I had decided to take a break, just because I was beginning to feel like he wasn't appreciating me anymore, not being romantic, calling me or going out with me as much. We had a talk and he confessed that yes, he felt like he needed to date other girls to make sure that I was really the one. He said that he still cared for me, and that even during this break, he would feel jealous if he heard that I went out with other guys.

Well, he emailed me today to tell me the devastating news, that it was really over. Overall, I still believe he is a good guy, and his rationale makes sense to me, but I honestly thought that we would just end up happily together. My question is, how do I get over him? Will I get over him? How do I move on? What do I do? And then, he still wants us to keep in touch, to maintain a friendship. Can that be done? I am honestly too hurt to even consider a friendship. I'm just really upset, devastated, and just feel really empty. Cheer me up, Sugar.

--Heart-Broken Heather

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Heart-Broken Heather--

Breaking up with someone you love is probably the worst feeling you can have. It's going to take a lot of time to "mourn" your relationship, and my best advice is to surround yourself with friends who will make you feel better. Do the things you love to do. Keep yourself busy with a new hobby or with work. Go to the gym, to the book store, to the movies, or shopping! Get a massage, get your nails done, get a new haircut. Remember that you need to take care of yourself right now.

If he still wants to be friends, and you find that much too difficult to bear right now, then maintain your space. Don't see him, don't talk to him, don't email him. Do what you need to do to get him out of your mind. At least you can feel good knowing that he obviously still cares for you deeply if he wants to stay in touch with you, but please don't just sit around thinking he'll want you back because then you'll never get over him. Move on by deciding to move on.

Know that everyone has felt as sad as you feel right now. Without heartache, true love wouldn't feel so amazing. With some time apart, it'll give you a chance to think and reflect on your relationship and your own future. Remember how you didn't feel appreciated or loved as much as you thought you deserved? Well, maybe once you feel ready to date again, you'll meet someone who will give you what you need. You're still young and now you have the chance to date and experience new relationships. Think of this as a welcome opportunity to find even deeper love. My heart goes out to you but I know you will get through this and be a stronger woman because of it.


Join The Conversation
immagirl143 immagirl143 9 years
high-d high-d 9 years
"without heartache true love wouldnt feel so amazing" :)
viridiana viridiana 9 years
I FORGOT SOMETHING... for healing purposes you should try not to be friends with him, for a while. Seeing or talking to him might remove feelings.
viridiana viridiana 9 years
time will heal you up!!!! Sometimes it will be very difficult not to think about him... but you will have to let all the feelings go pass by, so you wont have any hard feelings towards him or the relationship. It's the beginning of a new "era" for you, try to have fun with yourself, sometimes in a relationship that strong, you usually tend to forget that the most important person in the world for you must be YOU. Lots of hugs and kisses
windynini windynini 9 years
I was the one that wrote to DearSugar and I just want to thank all of you, sincerely, for your encouranging and positive words. Its difficult to move on, but I know that I have to, and all of your advices have really touched me and comforted me. Its really nice, especially in this moment, to know that really good people care. Thank you. And Thank You Dear, for your honest words and for having this really helpful feature on your website. I'm relatively new to the whole Sugar features and I would really love to add all of you guys as friends. Thank you.
Auntie-Di Auntie-Di 9 years
Oh! and keep BUSY doing anything you possibly can to occupy your thoughts, it WORKS it truly does. Hold on to the fact that TIME and someone NEW can be your healer.
Auntie-Di Auntie-Di 9 years
Well BEST you found about his CHARACTER FLAWS now rather then later, any man, decent man that is, would not have put that kind of cold/heartless ending to a relationship after being with you for that long of a period of time, it is a ENORMOUS RED FLAG, so if I were you I would start focusing on what you feel you truly deserve, because no lady should EVER be treated as though they are someone's doormat. If he was capable of that sort of treatment he most likely is capable of a whole lot worse. Things happen for a reason, perhaps THIS was your WAKE UP call to find someone BETTER suitable for you. Let him go and find out that the grass is NOT always greener on the other side. What goes around comes around and think of it as HIS LOST NOT YOURS. Good luck in finding true happiness. :-)
Elite-Lady-Cathleen Elite-Lady-Cathleen 9 years
I believe everyone woman goes thew this. No matter how old you are, when your in love with someone and committed to a relationship you can't help but be devestated when it stops. Even if it gradually stops, once its over your at a new point in your life. Like everyone has stated being busy and going out and enjoying life is what you need to do. But don't be afraid to feel hurt. It's normal, I wouldn't exclude myself from my friends or curl up with ben and jerrys for a month but maybe the first 2 weeks. I would put together a list of things you want and want to do. The reward yourself. Get that mani-pedi special, buy a new slamming outfit. Your less likely to concentrate on him or the past if your enjoying what your doing now. And when you get the new Hot Outfit and guys start checking you out -you'll realize that life goes on and You can be out breaking hearts. As far as being friends from experience it CAN'T work. Theres too much knowlegde of the other person. You know what he looks like naked! Bad idea you know too much. And for that reason tension will be there for a long time. And remember the 3rd times a charm! Good Luck Honey!
nourche nourche 9 years
Hey I really feel for you, I went through the same thing not too long ago and it's the worst feeling in the world. About your staying friends with him: I think maybe it's best to totally stop communicating for a while until you feel better. I kept contact with my ex and we just kept falling back into the same old things, problems etc. In the end I really think it did me more harm than good. There were still too many feelings involved in order for us to function normally as "friends"! (ugh!) Anyway that's the way it happened for me, but maybe your situation's different. Good luck!!!
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
He emailed you?! I'm sorry but I think that is all that needs to be focused on here. Five and a half years of relationship and he doesn't even respect you enough to tell you to your face that it's over. He sucks and he won't be very difficult to move on from I would imagine!!!!!!! There are plenty of decent guys out there. First take some time to yourself though. To heal, to get over this guy and to look after yourself.
ginghamgirl ginghamgirl 9 years
To answer your questions: How do you get over him? How do you move on? Well, nobody can really give you an exact answer, but being around friends and taking on a hobby or something like that will help. Don't dwell on the past because that's not going to help you at all. Feel free to cry, but give yourself a time limit. Don't go wallowing in your sorrow for days on end. That's just not healthy. Will I get over him? If you want to, you will! But in due time. Things like this can't be rushed. Can you still be friends after that? Well, it may be difficult in the beginning but it's not impossible. It's just a matter of putting things into perspective and setting all your ill-feelings aside. If you were friends aside from being boyfriend/girlfriend, then it shouldn't be too difficult. I hope this helps! :D Good luck with everything, dear.
rubialala rubialala 9 years
Time will heal your pain. Everyone here has good advice. :HUG:
Marci Marci 9 years
Aw, that's really rough. I feel for you. But it sounds like things were kind of shaky for awhile, even from your end. It just seems to hurt more when we get broken up with rather than doing the breaking up. And he did it by email after 5-1/2 years, which I think is pretty low. Dear and demonkitty and Mae are all right that time does heal all wounds, and you need to just keep busy. It's not always easy, but turn to your family and friends and do the things you love. And 'It's Called a Break Up Because IT's Broken' is a great book, as Mae said. And come to the Sugar site. It's fun, there's a great support system, and you can laugh and cry on here.
Mae Mae 9 years
I really relate to your question. About 6 months ago I posted a similar story. But trust me, it WILL get better. Hanging out with your friends and family will make getting over it so much easier. You'll realize that your ex was not the only person that loves you. Keep busy, let it out to your friends, cry, vent, but remember to move on. Holding on to the past only prevents you from truly getting over it and getting on with your life. I really know how hard this must be for you and a lot of these things are easier said than done. But time will heal. You will be happy again. And like Dear Sugar said, its a great time to treat yourself!! One more thing, if you're really down, you should get "Its called a Break Up because its broken". That book helped me out a LOT! hahah even though it was a tad embarrassing buying it :)
demonkitty18 demonkitty18 9 years
Dear Sugar is right- you need time, friends and activities. Trust me- you will get over him and you'll always have a special place in your heart for him since he was your first bf. Focus on you and get yourself used to being "you" not "we" anymore. Men are like ice cream- try different flavours before you decide which one's the best flavour for life :D
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