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You Asked: I'm Not Ready to Meet His Ex

You Asked: I'm Not Ready to Meet His Ex

Dear Sugar,

I’ve been seeing an absolutely great guy for about a month and a half. We’ve made it clear that we’re both crazy about each other, and I am absolutely certain that this is going somewhere. We haven’t talked about it officially, but through different conversations we’ve had, it seems as though neither of us are seeing other people. I'm just excited to see what happens.

Last weekend we talked about going to a party where some of his friends were going to be, whom I've never met. He also mentioned that his ex-girlfriend would be there. While he didn’t think anything of it, the thought of meeting her made me extremely uncomfortable. All I know about her is that they dated for a couple years, broke up eight months ago, and are still friends. Fortunately we didn’t end up going to the party for other reasons, so I didn't actually have to confront the issue head on.

I don’t care that he has an ex or that he’s friends with her, I’ve just never been in a relationship where an ex was even an issue (I'm only distant friends with one of my exes) — clearly this is all very unfamiliar territory. I feel like it’s a pretty big deal and that we’re just not ready to venture into that realm of our relationship yet. We should be having fun, enjoying each other’s company, having sex three times a day, not meeting exes yet! Is it wrong of me to not want to meet her? I know this is going to come up again, and I don't know how to handle it.

— Looking to Avoid Her Leila

To see Dear Sugar's answer


Dear Looking to Avoid Her Leila,

The ex factor is different for every couple. Some people want to know everything there is to know about their significant other's ex and would be thrilled for the opportunity to meet them, while other people are more like you and just don't feel comfortable knowing that kind of information. If it's something that bothers you this much, I think you should discuss it with the guy you're seeing.

Next time she comes up, casually broach the subject and let him know how you're feeling. It definitely sounds like this is a conversation that needs to be had. It's likely he'll both ease your worries and take a step back on the ex introduction. Keep in mind that it's possible that he was just very excited about introducing you to his friends, which isn't necessarily a bad thing just because his ex is one of them. He might be so over her that he doesn't even see this as being a potential issue. Even if your relationship is undefined, it's never to early to start the process of communication. I hope this helps.


Join The Conversation
thelorax thelorax 9 years
I completely agree with karlotta - feeling a little nervous about meeting the ex just makes you HUMAN. And I can totally relate - my now-husband had tons of female friends, many of whom he was romantic with and it was really hard for me, because they were all part of the same social circle. The best you can do is look fierce as already suggested, and be sweet and gracious and don't give them any reason to say anything bad about you - if any awkwardness does ensue, it won't be your fault and they, not you, will be the b*tch. One or two of my husbands' girl_friends truly did turn out to be jealous, two-faced, back-stabbing b*tches so once it was clear that we were serious he gladly dismissed them. Since you and you guy are just starting out, don't give him the ultimatum quite yet. Hopefully things will work out such that he adores and admires you so much, and has so much respect for you, that he wouldn't dream of doing anything to make you feel awkward, like a third wheel, or anything less than his #1. Good luck!
Sydney-C Sydney-C 9 years
I'm with the question-poster Leila! Having to meet a bf's ex is one of the most excrutiating things ever! I've been fine with it in the past in some cases, but my bf now has this perfect looking, blonde bombshell ex that always asks us over to dinner and stuff...I'm like Hell to the No! I realize that yes, he is with me, and not with her, but still I don't wanna go feel like chopped liver in the looks department for an evening if I don't have to!! Although I did end up being a bridesmaid in one of his kinda-dated for a bit friend's wedding...but she wasn't cute so I was okay with that. Yes, I am that shallow :)
red4bonez red4bonez 9 years
you need to just talk to him and tell him how you feel. By the way I don't understand how people could be friends with their exs. I dont know that is just me :-). okie well I guess talk to him. Maybe when you two will be introduced you might become good friends. She has to have a good friend quality to still be in his life. So you never know.
KrisSugar KrisSugar 9 years
i like what PJPJ said. They are exes for a reason, and also they're friends for a reason. you may end up getting along! I dated a guy in college off and on, and when we weren't dating he dated this other girl. He was always terrified to think of us meeting. Well, one day we did run into each other, and she was SUPER cool, and we chatted it up. He just stood there looking horrified! :) he ended up marrying her, which i'm happy for. she seemed like a great girl.
KrisSugar KrisSugar 9 years
eh, i wouldn't worry about it. the problem here is comparing yourself to someone else. don't ever do that. you'll feel either better or worse, depending on what she's like, but your relationship is independent of her, and what she thinks or how she acts. just be cool, even offer a friendly handshake or smile. Then don't linger.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
I cant spell today :(
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
*would my baad
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
I wuld be honest and say "i really dont feel like being anywhere where your ex is, cuz it makes me feel uncomfortable" and that's it. why does she have to *act* a certain way? I'm looking good for ME, not for HER.
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 9 years
Or you could go with Karlotta's advice and look pathetic and insecure...
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 9 years
Sure no one really wants to hang out with their man's ex. I wouldn't want to...b/c I think it'd be uncomfortable for all. BUT if you don't meet her, the commenters above are'll look insecure and scared. So what if you are insecure and scared, you have to at least act like you aren't. He's with you...or will be officially soon, it sounds like. So go meet the girl! Think of it this way...he obviously wants her to see him with you, he wants to flaunt you a lil. So let him!
karlotta karlotta 9 years
I don't know why we have to pretend not to be insecure. What is that? We sure shouldn't hang ourselves to the window treatments screaming like chickens, but having the humility and honesty to admit that, "yes, I know you were in love with that person for two whole years and it makes me feel like a small thing, and I have pictures of you in my head of you fondling her breasts while you're giving her an orgasm, and I'm afraid some day you'll remember why you were attracted to her in the first place" only makes us look human. And it doesn't sound passive-aggressive. And any guy in his right mind would understand! Mine does anyway... and says the same thing when I hang out with an ex myself! I'm always all for being honest. Pretending not to have emotions you're having for the sake of not looking like an annoying nag is just plain... dishonest? This is you, and you want him to like YOU. So say things like they are. Again, without the window treatments.
pandatron pandatron 9 years
I don't know of anyone who would be thrilled to meet a significant other's ex. Apathetic, perhaps. But thrilled? Just saying.
PJ-PJ-PJ PJ-PJ-PJ 9 years
Also, Asia84 & Berlin are right. Always look good & never show fear, just in case she turns out to be a nasty person!
PJ-PJ-PJ PJ-PJ-PJ 9 years
I had to deal with that ex thing when my hubby & I started dating. I tackled it head on, because it seemed a bit awkward at first. (It was a lot less than 8 months since they had become exes.) All I did was treat her like I would any other of his friends. I was super nice to her & it turned out we got along great. In fact, she & I ended up being better friends than the two of them ever were. Just treat her like you would when meeting any of his friends for the first time. They are exes for a reason. You might be over thinking it.
Berlin Berlin 9 years
Whenever you DO meet her, biggest advice is DON'T SHOW FEAR!! Walk up with a head high, smiles about, and make yourself seem extremely comfortable with the fact that she's there, then there is no room for drama and she sees that he, and you, are happy and not threatened. When another female sees the g/f as being threatened by her appearance, then it's almost instinct to use it as your advantage and watch her squirm (hell, we're bitches). It's a power play, but if you show that you aren't worried about her friendship with him, then she'll see that you two are happy together and will more than likely respect the relationship even more. She'll see you as "a great girl" instead of "ditch that clingy freak" :) Realize it will be better if you just meet her and trust your boyfriend that he'll make you comfortable too. Actually by his reaction to it all, you can truly see the person you are with and judge where the relationship is going. And you'll only be able to trust him more too!
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
This is why you have to look firce 24/7; you never know when you're gonna run into one of those Ex/chicken heads. i wouldn't show fear. but i know that i would feel like crap if we ran into her at Blockbuster (even if she had a guy with her) and she was all cute AND nice, and i looked like i just got done cleaning toilets at home. lol i can understand how you feel. but don't trip. they are over, and now he's bangin' you three times a day. well, that is unless he's still hanging out with her, and when you do meet her she's extra touchy feely because they are "coo like dat", and you feel like WTF, but you have to trust your man, and not look insecure. or if she tries to be cool with you and you guys sit and talk about how he likes doggy-style versus on top because he likes to do that washing-machine thing. . . see THAT can be weird.
kaenai kaenai 9 years
I've had guys say they didn't want to meet my ex, but he and I were together 8 (almost 9) years, so it's more understandable that someone would be a bit weirded out by the fact that we're still close. I think DearSugar is right; bring it up - but casually! You don't want to seem like you're making a huge deal out of it. Next time he asks, let him know you're willing, but you're not entirely comfortable with it. Chances are, he'll understand.
Marci Marci 9 years
Half of my social life is spent with women who were involved with my fiance on some level or another. Seriously! I know a lot of people find it strange, but he keeps on good terms with most of his exes, and they are all creatives so tend to move in the same circles. I certainly understand the nervousness and concern about it, but as ccsugar said, she is his ex. If he had any feelings left for her, he would not be bringing you anywhere near her. So if it comes up again, just go and put on your best face. I agree that meeting the friends is actually a bigger deal, so try to put it in some kind of perspective to make it easier on yourself.
emalove emalove 9 years
Personally, I don't think I'd be that concerned. But if you think it's too soon and you feel uncomfortable, just tell him! It's understandable that you're not ready for that yet.
ccsugar ccsugar 9 years
I would be more worried about meeting his friends!!! The ex is just that: The Ex. They won't get back together, and if she doesn't like you, who cares?
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
I wouldn't make a huge issue out of this because you'll end up looking jealous and insecure. Are you jealous and/or insecure maybe? Seems like you are reading this as a huge deal, like that there is a "meet the exes" stage in the same way that there is a "meet the parents" stage. My take is that his ex is still part of his friend group on some level, he wants you to meet those friends, and she's part of the package deal. I just showed this to my BF to see what he thought, and he said "it seems like she hasn't known him long enough to be this territorial." I'm not sure when he thinks it's okay to be territorial but that's a discussion for another time :) Anyway, I don't mean to be putting you down for feeling like this, but I do think you need to just suck it up and meet her and not burden him with a big talk.
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