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You Asked: I'm Ready For a Ring!

You Asked: I'm Ready For a Ring!

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. We are high school sweethearts and 24 years old. We both agreed that once we finished our master's degrees, we would get married. We graduated in May and while there has been talk about our engagement, there's been no ring! Recently, our good friends who have been together almost as long as we have announced their engagement. Even though I am happy for them, part of me is really angry, jealous, and upset. Seven years is an extremely long time to be with someone, and I am ready to take the next step. As I said, we have communicated about marriage and I know it's what he wants too, but I am feeling more and more frustrated that he hasn't asked me yet. He is caring and kind and I know he loves me, so I don't know if I should say something to him, or wait a little longer, in hopes that he is planning a special engagement. What should I do? — Ready For a Ring Rachel

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Ready For a Ring Rachel,

Being ready for the next step in your relationship when your partner isn't can no doubt be extremely frustrating, but sometimes being patient is well worth the wait; you don't want to pressure him into a premature engagement that could lead to resentment down the road. I can see why you're jealous of your friends' news, but try not to compare your relationship to theirs. From your tone in this letter, I can tell that you're extremely anxious about this entire situation, so the best thing you can do for yourself is to talk to your boyfriend about how you're feeling. If you keep all your frustration bottled up inside, it's bound to come out in other ways.

Since getting engaged is something that you've talked about before, don't hesitate to bring it up again. Don't act pushy or angry when you broach the subject, but do make sure you're on the same page. If you think there could be some sort of surprise up his sleeve, I advise you to hold off, but if your impatience is getting the best of you, getting the answers you need is the only thing that will put your mind at ease. Good luck!


lolliriots lolliriots 9 years
rossinaross - You're right, but I'd rather not be bitter over the fact that I had to do it. So, I guess I'll figit while waiting! Besides, he flat out told me, if I did propose to him, he would tell me no. I guess he has his own plans about proposing, which gives me hope. I do bring it up every few months, just to see where he is at, and what he is thinking about.
rossinaross rossinaross 9 years
lilliriots said "I'd rather be his fiance for three years than a "girlfriend". The term is so replaceable" Which, if you think about it for two minutes, it's totally true, but the fact that he hasnt propossed yet doesnt mean that he's gonna replace you with a new girlfriend. I think that you should deffinetly talk about it again, don't go nuts on him though, just talk about it, and if you think he won't propose for X reason, then you propose to him. I know it's not movie/book/serie like, but the important part is yall being together for the rest of your life right? Then it doesnt matter if there's no ring [and a girl that wants a ring is telling you this]. The Love between the two of you, is A LOT more important than a ring.. so I say you do it.
ilanac13 ilanac13 9 years
it's definitely hard when you're in a relationship for so long and you're waiting for the ring and you see people that have been together for less time getting engaged. i found that i got really upset when my friends were getting married and they started dating after my fiance and i did. i think that the first thing you should remind yourself is that you and your boyfriend HAVE been together for so long that you know what you're getting and you're more likely to stay together...and well, it sounds like you're both on the road to getting engaged. you've talked about it, and you know that it's going to happen, so don't stress about it. know that you will get the ring - and if you worry about getting it every time a holiday or birthday or anniversary comes around then you'll make yourself crazy.
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
Perhaps he is currently making payments on a ring and has not paid it off yet! And if not, why are you priotizing marriage over your relationship? If he is the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with, then it really does not matter if you have a ring on your finger or not. If you pressure him, then he might think that marriage is more important to you than actually being with him. That being said, I do think it is important that you communicate how you are feeling, just be careful how you do it. Don't be confrontational or naggy. I don't understand the mentality of many women who seem to think that marriage is this prescribed thing that you should have 'accomplished' by a specific age/amount of time into the relationship. And why would you even want him to propose/get married if he isn't ready yet?????????? Isn't this supposed to be a mutual decision? You REALLY should watch this funny video on Youtube called "I Guess You'll Do"-it really puts things in perspective: Also, stop comparing yourself to others, because everyone is different and it is just not productive to do this. Good luck to you and you should really watch this video.
ckeller825 ckeller825 9 years
I agree with runningesq completely! You guys have it made...both completing your masters and have been together for all that time. Girl..before you know it he will propose to you. There's nothing really standing in his way at this point (other than finances) but how do you know he doesn't have a stash of cash hidden somewhere? ;)
likeomgbecca likeomgbecca 9 years
Men have this certain thing about their pride that determines what decisions they make. Don't push him, just be patient. You never know he may be looking for the most romantic way to propose, or he may be finding ways to prepare himself for the commitment. You're already together... ;)
runningesq runningesq 9 years
Oh good god, enough with thinking the OP just wants a ring and is inpatient and will not have a good marriage because she is "too impatient and out of sync." They have been dating for a while, both have advanced degrees, and she's ready for the next stage of her life. And really, most women want an e-ring (cue the: "oh, god, that's SO superficial!" now) Nothing wrong with that! OP, my advice to you is just WAIT. If you know he IS going to propose and it's just a matter of when, wait. It will come, and prob when you are least expecting it ;)
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
I don't even believe in living together. Anyway, op, why don't you ask him?
pumpkin81 pumpkin81 9 years
@princess_eab I totally agree - I have no problem (not that it's my business anyway) if people want to live together for whatever reason. I just think you should be on the same page with your SO before you do it For instance, if the woman is thinking, "We'll move in together and then get engaged within the year!" and the guy is just thinking it's nice to live together and get the benefits (sex, meals, cleaning, reduced expenses) but has no plans to get married... then you are asking for heartbreak or bad feelings. Besides, for me personally, I think living together has lots of the disadvantages of marriage (no privacy, less romance/going on dates, too much domesticity and chores) without any of the benefits (security, establishing a family).
School247 School247 9 years
Ok, i changed my mind. 7 years. it seems like ou sould be married because of how long youve been together. but your age, your mental age and where you are in life is differnt story. would you rather be 25 and married and on your way to divorce lan (Im not saying all 25 year olds or younger get divorced. but look at our divorce rate) or would you rather be 25 in a healthy relashinship and still wating? in the end, you have to be happy with what you want, not what your friends are doing
216amyc 216amyc 9 years
I think she should be patient and wait until Christmas. Alot of men propose around the holidays. She should wait a little while longer.
fantome14 fantome14 9 years
I don't see why people are always in such a big hurry to be married, but.... Monkeyinabarrel said, "Most guys want to be financially set before they ask. " I think this is true. Guys want to be ready to support a woman and to buy her a nice ring before they ask, typically. It's hard-wired into their DNA--the whole provider thing. If he's just out of school, you need to give him time. If what you want is the ring and not necessarily the person attached to it, then you need to rethink your relationship entirely. If it's him you want, then give him some time to get it together. How would you feel if you were the one who had to save up to buy the ring right after school? You could just ask him yourself. I know we women want to be proposed to and get the ring and all that, but it's all old-fashion social conditioning that we can reject if we really want to.
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
pumpkin - actually, as someone who just got out of a living-together situation of 2 years, I'd agree 100%. It sounds old-fashioned but it's true in my experience. I'd warn anyone considering it now. That said, I know people who it's worked out well for, but those people were either engaged already, the living situation was temporary and brief, or they just didn't want to be married anyway. I've had several friends who've dropped ultimatums in live-in relationships in order to get engaged because things just got too comfortable...
School247 School247 9 years
Well, you could do the asking without asking. Have someone else ask him if you guys are ready. Or you could muster up the guts and ask him if hes the kinda guy who is okay with relashinship talks. Or, you could do what your doing and waite it out. Or what ive done in the past with my ex-fiance. When your at weddings, give him the "look" and see what happens I did it twice and after the second wedding, i got asked. but then we broke up, for different reasons. Best of luck, keep us posted
Lele777 Lele777 9 years
Why worry about it? Be happy that you are in a healthy relationship!
kpdunne4 kpdunne4 9 years
Be patient! I just got engaged a couple months ago but was waiting for almost 6 months for it to happen. We have been together 5 years and talked often about committing to the next level of the relationship. I had TONS of conversations with my girl friends, trying to figure out what was taking him so long! The night he proposed, I was not expecting it at all, was completely surprised and that made it that much better. Just be patient and know that if you are both in agreement about it, it will come soon! Good luck!
pumpkin81 pumpkin81 9 years
It's probably too late for the OP but for anyone else, if you want to speed engagement along I'd recommend not living together. Marriage tends to be more important to women, while if the man already has you in the same house and loves you, he feels no discomfort with that situation and is likely to be happy living together indefinitely. I suppose if you really thought he was stalling or going back on his word (to get engaged when you finished the Master's), instead of just waiting for a special occasion/ring money, then you could move out. Hopefully your knowledge of your bf would tell you which one of those it was. And you can always talk to him again. Or propose yourself - having a ring and an engagement story are not important in getting married, agreeing on a date for to get married is. Otherwise, you are just throwing a party and getting a piece of jewelry, what you want is a marriage.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
I would just talk to him and say you're getting impatient and that you want to make sure you're on the same page. I'd try to make it a happy talk, not a sad talk. You know, more along the lines of "I cannot wait to be married to you!" Rather than, "if you don't propose I'm outta here." Ultimately, though, you need to feel confident that you are on the same page. It sounds like you are worried there might NOT be a ring, or that the ring might not come for a while.
ohkate ohkate 9 years
not to sound like an old lady but "the time will come when it does" why hurry it up? maybe he's saving up and that's why you don't have pretty sparkles on your finger yet. be patient!
Mesayme Mesayme 9 years
"Seven years is an extremely long time to be with someone, and I am ready to take the next step"... thinking like this and you want to pledge til death do we part. If he were in an accident and put through physical rehab. for a year waiting for him to make it to the next step, you'd never make it. Too impatient and out of sync. You feel you're owed the rest of his life, a return on your investment. Or maybe he thinks you're happy the way it is... men really only get married to keep a woman from leaving altogether or for fear she'll leave him for someone else who will marry her. Otherwise...they'd date and live together forever. If he isn't ready and you are... then you should leave the relationship. Robin McGraw did and it worked for her. may not work for you, but you have no right to bully him into marriage.
geebers geebers 9 years
I should add that I would not leave him until I got to the point where I felt we no longer see eye to eye on marriage. At that point it would be clear that one person really wants one thing and the other is not willing to give it. So you should be really sure about what it is you really want.
geebers geebers 9 years
I think you should not disregard how important marriage is to you. If you want to be married and he doesn't- that is a big deal to me. Some woman are able to separate relationship from marriage and are happy to be with the person they love but some aren't. I don't really care for the engagement or the wedding but marriage is important to me. Even though I do not want a wedding I definitely plan to at least be legally married to my boyfriend because that is what matters to me. At the same time, if he wasn't ready I would not leave him. I value the relationship over the marriage.
JustSomeChick JustSomeChick 9 years
Is there something about your relationship that will change if you get married? Will you love him more or will you be happier together? Personally, as someone who has been married and divorced (and I know it has left me a bit jaded), I don't see what the rush is. You love each other and are happy, just embrace that.
laluna laluna 9 years
If your'e so desperate to be engaged, propose to him. It's the actual marriage you're wanting right? Who cares about a special engagemensts unless you just want bragging rights. Yes, i have a friend who will not shut up about this very subject haha.
cjmara805 cjmara805 9 years
If he hasn't proposed by Febrary 29th 2012, you can always propose to him :P Or why wait?
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