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You Asked: I'm So Nosy!

You Asked: I'm So Nosy!

Dear Sugar,

Whenever I meet new people, I completely obsess over them. I look for them on social websites, I Google them and email/call way too much. I know that I shouldn't do this, but I cannot stop myself! Curiosity killed the cat, I guess. I have ruined three relationships over the past three years with some really cool people. I don't have many friends, so I think this is a reason why I do this. I know this sounds rather ridiculous, but I don't know how to stop — what is wrong with me? — Relentless Rachel

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Relentless Rachel,

In all fairness, I think most women obsess about new potential mates, but if your constant probing is breaking these relationships, something's gotta give. You say you don't have many friends, so I think it will behoove you to find an outlet to talk about these men — write in a journal, or talk to the few friends you do have, a family member, or even a therapist so you have someone to share that excitement with.

There's nothing wrong with surfing the Internet looking for information on him; we're all guilty of that. But try not to overcontact him — remember, distance makes the heart grow fonder! Though I'm not one to play games, there is something to be said about giving someone enough space to miss you — being too available can be a turn off to some men. So going forward, Rachel, whenever you get that urge to contact him, call anyone else, take a walk, bake something, or read a magazine. When you have too much time on your hands, it's easy to overobsess. Breaking your cycle won't happen overnight, so just do your best to make baby steps until you've reached a comfortable place. Good luck!


Join The Conversation
K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 9 years
It's fine to look up people on the internet (where they don't know you're looking them up,) but the constant communication will only drive people away. I too have had friends that just didn't give me any space and it was such an uncomfortable situation that I didn't even want to be their friend anymore. Don't be that person!
mtothawhat mtothawhat 9 years
I really think you need to seek professional help over this. If someone I just met did that to me, I'd be freaked out and cut them off as soon as possible. And I agree with another poster above me that when you first meet someone, you're more considered an aquiantance rather then a friend.
emalove emalove 9 years
This made me think of someone I used to be friends with...I find behavior like this to be obsessive and creepy.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
sounds like you have too much free time on your hands. get a hobby, pick up a good book, spring clean your house. in other words get your own life and stop obsessing over the lives of others.
citizenkane citizenkane 9 years
I see what you guys are talking does seem in the post like this is not strickly with men....hmmm. That changes my advice a little.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
Yeah what's the deal. You have some issues. If I met someone new and she did this to me I would be a bit aggravated if not a little frightened. Then there's the whole, part where you say you can't control yourself. Plus you have to realize when you first meet someone and the relationship is faily new, you probably aren't considered a friend to this person yet, but more of an acquaintance. And then you go all psycho on them.....
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
Yeah, I was super surprised when the advice was about men... from the post I actually thought it was about women as friends! Anyway, to the poster... I think it's good that you have acknowledged this as a pattern - that is the first step! Now you just have to figure out a way to stop yourself from getting too involved too fast. The best way I can think of is making your life really full and busy and then you just naturally won't have time for stalking! Or maybe come up with a reward system where if you go 5 days without emailing or calling a friend you get a little present for yourself. I think the issue is you are needy, and that's a bad cycle because the needier you are, the more you latch on to people, and the more you latch on to people, the more they pull away.
lms lms 9 years
I agree to that she is talking about everyone and not just men. She doesn't have very many friends b/c she scares them away. Maybe you should think about if you felt abandoned or let down in your past. This may explain why you try so hard and cling to people so quickly. Most people have a certain amount of personal space that they like to maintain in order to feel comfortable. If you are trying to "get in to it" too soon. You will definitely turn them off. You have to make a conscious effort to back off and give them a chance to contact you. Whenever you feel like contacting someone for the millionth time think about when last you did it and did they respond. If they haven't responded leave them alone for awhile. Someone is bound to come around and reach out to you if just give them a chance to.
cubadog cubadog 9 years
I am with the last few posts she does not say that she does this with just men she meets it sounds to like she does it to everyone she meets. Did you edit Sugar? This is definitely something you need to get control over. You will continue to destroy relationships if you don't. I know if someone was doing this to me I would be really creeped out and cut them out of my life. Get some therapy to help you deal with this behvior.
AujahAcorn AujahAcorn 9 years
Its not just men she is doing this to, its all people.
geebers geebers 9 years
I also read this as if she is doing this to people in general and not just men. I definitely am with hotstuff. This behavior sounds really obsessive and clearly you are requesting help because you cannot stop yourself right? You should see a professional - a therapist or a counselor. I am sure there are some deep-rooted issues that you cannot seem to face or address. Good luck!
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
Why are we giving her advice like she's talking about a man? She's talking about people she meets in general. This is pretty scary IMO because you lost not one but THREE relationships over this behavior! I really think you should seek some type of therapy. What do you mean you can't control yourself? I think after losing friends over this in the past you should be able to back off, but clearly you can't. I know some people will gigle and see this as cute and maybe some people do things similar, but I feel there's more to this. I know this sounds extreme but this sounds like true excessive obsessive behavior and you should seek out a counselor to talk to and figure out 2 things why you do this and why you can't stop yourself from doing it.
citizenkane citizenkane 9 years
I agree. If there is one thing that would turn a guy off, it would be a girl he just met doing these things. And there is nothing wrong with it, its just going to end the new relationship really fast. Always leave THEM wanting more...
jaxon jaxon 9 years
Is the OP only talking about men? Is seemed to me she does this to everyone. I can relate, while my tactics are not so extreme I cant help but WANT TO KNOW!
syako syako 9 years
Good tips Dear! I especially like the one about doing something else when you really want to call him. My husband was always very independent (still is) and when we were first dating I was so giddy about him that I always wanted to be with him, but thanks to some pretty smart friends, I tried to just take my giddiness out while reading a book, going shopping or even working out. I got to see him and talk to him plenty, and I got a new-found sense of independence and appreciation of alone time.
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