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You Asked: I've Fallen Out of Love With My Husband

You Asked: I've Fallen Out of Love With My Husband

Dear Sugar,

I am 37 yrs old, have been married for 15 years and have two children with my husband. My problem is that I haven't been in love with him for years. I have told him that we need to divorce — I left him for a year, but came back due to financial reasons — but he keeps telling me that he loves me and begs me not to leave him. He thinks we can work it out, but I have tried, and faking it is just not working for me anymore. He's a great guy, but I'm absolutely miserable right now.

I know this has been hard on our kids and part of me wants to stay for their sake, but the other part of me desires passion and love again — I want more out of life and I feel like it's passing me by. What should I do? — Wanting to Leave Laura

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Wanting to Leave Laura,

I feel for you that you're struggling in an unhappy marriage right now, but you're right, if you don't make a move here, your life will pass you by. It's a common desire to want to stay for the kids' sake, but remember, you'd only be doing them a disservice — you can't give them what they need if you're unhappy in your own life.

While I'm all for trying to work it out before calling it quits, it sounds as though you've already mentally checked out of your marriage. If couples counseling isn't an option for you, and if you really feel that divorce is the only course of action, I think you should follow your instincts sooner rather than later.

I'm not surprised that faking your happiness isn't working for you anymore so do what you need to do to be truly happy again. This won't be an easy process, but after everything is said and done, I have faith that you'll feel good about the decision you made. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
chic2 chic2 8 years
And I dont think it is right to say that she's only back with him because of the money. Some women give up their carriers to look after their children, so if things dont work out, what is she expected to do?
chic2 chic2 8 years
well, I have come to realise that we outsiders can not and will never know what happens in a marriage. One can never tll exactly what is going on. They are the ones going through it and they know how it affects them. We on the outside will encourage them to try, we dont know how hard or how long they have tried. So we cant say they are just giving up esily. I dont think one can come up with the decision to divorce just like that. I am sure by the time they decide to do it, the have thought hard about it, and the repurcussions and they feel its the best decision. The only advice I would give is, think about it, why you fell in love with him in the first place, the years you have spent together what has happened and what you have buit together, and then decide whether its worth fighting for.
munchies munchies 8 years
You are with a 'great man' who loves you, who supports you even when you left him. Are you seriously considering giving this man up? The way I see it is you are currently being uttery selfish, easily done when you feel like you are lacking something but in reality you're kids should definatley come first, and a proper family which can only benefit them. Even you admit they aren't taking it well. If you actually care and love your children then you will atleast try to make it work. My reccomendations are to see a marriage councelor to try and get the 'spark' back into you're marriage do not expect an overnight fix though, it will take time and work for both you and your husband but I'm sure it will be worthwile in the end. good luck.
searchingwithin searchingwithin 8 years
It amazes me how easily people will throw up their hands and quit, which is what I believe you have done. You appear so consumed in yourself that there is nothing left to put forth into the marriage and commitment you made. The grass is always greener, is a fallacy. The grass is greener where you tend it. You want to feel that passion, which only lasts the first couple of years in every relationship, but you aren't willing to attempt to re-capture that passion within your marriage. Instead, you are looking for your happiness outside yourself, rather than within, which is the only place you will find it. If you are unwilling to work at re-creating passion and love in your marriage, leave, so that he can find a woman who will. He deserves that, at the very least. Good luck in hunting for your "greener pastures".
Marci Marci 8 years
Never, ever live a lie. Ever. You get one life; make the most of it.
erikadee erikadee 8 years
There is a deeper type of love without all the butterflies. Its unselfish and committed. Marriage is a pretty sacred covenant. You can't just break it when you're not feeling the passion.
SeaAre86 SeaAre86 8 years
I totally agree with richandfamous. You should seek counseling. Think about your children and the commitment you made. None of us have the right answer for you..
geebers geebers 8 years
Abbigail -your grandma is a smart women. It kills me how marriage has so little clout nowadays.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
Marriage has its ups and down, and you commit to that good or bad. My favorite quote to go along with that is from the movie "parenthood" (Gil has been complaining about his complicated life; Grandma wanders into the room] Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster. Gil: Oh? Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride! Gil: What a great story. Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.
Pistil Pistil 8 years
"You will always always ALWAYS fall back into love." Aww, what a great role model! I'll remember that.
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
"you can't give them what they need if you're unhappy in your own life' WRONG. you made your choice when you married your husband. suck it up and tend to your marriage. stop feeling so sorry for yourself. and btw, kids don't give any thought to whether their parents are happy UNLESS their parents give them a reason to think about it. i know a woman who is dying of cancer right now and her daughter is doing just fine because HER needs are being met by both of her parents. "faking it isn't working for me", it doesn't need to work for you, it needs to work for your children. you said it yourself "he's a great guy", now YOU need to be a great person yourself and work on your marriage.
Abbigail Abbigail 8 years
I think richandfamous is right, we can't give you the perfect advice. For everyone involved you should seek a counselor. I also was reading another blog today where someone said this, The best marriage advice I ever received was at my wedding shower when my grandma looked at me and told me, "You will fall in and out of love with your husband many many times during your marriage. The only thing that matters are the choices you make inbetween those times. And don't worry during those 'dry spells'. You will always always ALWAYS fall back into love." It was so interesting to hear her say that. Her 50th Wedding Anniversary is coming up soon, and I have to tell you that advice coming from a woman like her isn't anything I would take lightly. I have only been married for just over 2 years, and already I see evidence of what she's saying. All she was getting at is that love isn't a feeling, it's a choice. What you do when you aren't feeling 'lovey dovey' is the measure of your integrity within your marriage.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Become financially independent and get a divorce.
lolak lolak 8 years
It's fine that you want to leave, but do it on your own dime. Stop taking advantage of the poor guys wallet and take your unhappiness somewhere else. I kind of think you would be doing him a favor by taking yourself and your finacial burden out of the picture. As for your kids I hope they are at least old enough to understand what is going on. Think about what you are doing to everyone else and evaluate what is best here. richandfamous said it, we can't give great advice on this decisio, but at least don't take advantage.
RunninginBoston RunninginBoston 8 years
crayolasky--She said herself she couldn't support herself. She wrote she went back to him after leaving for "financial reasons." I think that is seriously taking advantage of a "great guy" she says she wants to divorce. And I asked about resentment about sacrificing a career as an example of what may be one possible real underlying cause of dissatisfaction in the marriage. Giving up your career while your husband works is fine, but only if you really want to. Otherwise, it's going to cause frustration and unhappiness.
richandfamous10 richandfamous10 8 years
I just don't see how any of us can give advice on this one. This woman has been in a 15 year marriage and is wondering whether to divorce her husband who still loves her. And there are kids involved. I really hope she doesn't make her decision off of our comments. My advice would be to see a professional marriage counselor. You either have everything to lose or a lot to gain from your decision. Seriously, we have no idea what went on for 15 years and what the situation is I don't feel that I have a good answer either way except seeking professional counseling. Good luck!
GScott86 GScott86 8 years
It sucks that as human beings, we blame everyone else but ourselves for our lack of happiness. No job, not in love anymore, no friends, no where to hang out anymore because the bar or club is now boring. Happiness comes from yourself. Basing your happiness on one thing will only lead you to searching for more happiness once you've obtained it. Rather than seeing life as black and white or gray, view it in color. Understand why. Other than understanding what. Consider the meaning in everything. Understand what changed. Have you tried? Is it worth it? Basing happiness on that "in love" feeling will only lead to eventual dissatisfaction. Happiness starts with you. You haven't given one reason why being married to him is a bad idea. All you've said is that you're unhappy. Why? He's a great guy, but you're bored and don't want it anymore? This is where the vows are meaningless. Anyway, hope you find your happiness one day. Ponder this: what if you and your husband were the only people left on this planet? What would you do?
khadeekiinsz khadeekiinsz 8 years
I dont think it has anything to do with being married at 22. It does sound quite selfish, but idk. I do know that marriage is hardwork, no matter what age. W/e is going on there is lack of detail to judge
crayolasky crayolasky 8 years
RunningInBoston - who says she can't support herself? Who says she doesn't have a job? You know, there is a recession and she didn't even say she was unemployed. A lot of women focus on their children and may or may not work, while their husband works. I see nothing wrong with that. Don't be so quick to assume.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 8 years
This is why people shouldn't get married at 22.
Pistil Pistil 8 years
Oh, and I hope you have tried counseling, or some kind of therapy... have you ruled out depression?
Pistil Pistil 8 years
What I wonder is, what more do you want out of life? What's missing? What are you hoping to find? I feel like you believe that after a divorce, everything will be sunshine and roses. If it's a new partner you're looking for, that seems like a temporary solution. That passion will fade too... You can't depend on other people to make you happy. You are responsible for your own happiness. If it really is a divorce that's going to give you that, then go for it. But make sure you make your every intention clear to your husband, and do not use him for financial stability...
geebers geebers 8 years
I feel like this question is upsetting. Marriage is hard work and there will be times when one of you WILL check out for a bit. That means you aren't taking the steps necessary. It sounds to me like you didn't do everything BECAUSE you are mentally checked out. Time to put yourself aside for a minute and ask yourself if you really tried to make everything work? IT sounds to me like you have fallen out of love because of other deep rooted issues. The truth is, if you really truly were done with him - you would never have let your financial situation stop you (unless you are an abused woman). You would have left and that was that. You need to speak to a counselor and see what it is first before you make the drastic decision to end your marriage.
notinthemood notinthemood 8 years
Sorry to judge without all the facts, but it doesn't sound to me like you've tried everything to make your commitment work... you just sound bored and eager for something new. You admit that you're using your husband for his financial stability and I think that's wrong and totally unfair. If you were really motivated to leave the relationship because you knew it was absolutely the cause of your unhappiness, I feel like you'd take the necessary steps to become financially independent... what's the root of your discontentment? I really hope you talk to a therapist about this, both with and without your husband, because I suspect leaving your family like this will only cause anger and resentment down the road.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
Ask yourself one question: Are you better off with him or without him? Depending on your answer, stay in your marriage or divorce him. Yes, I believe your decision can be that easy to make. It's all about your answer to that bottom-line question.
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