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You Asked: I've Never Had an Orgasm

You Asked: I've Never Had an Orgasm

Dear Sugar,

I've never had an orgasm. Not with another person or on my own. All the advice I find just tells me to relax and spend some time alone getting to know myself. And I've been trying that all these years with no luck. I am frustrated beyond belief! I get so stressed out about it that I often end up in tears. I know stress can be a factor, but knowing that doesn't help. I've discussed it with my various boyfriends over the years, and they have felt bad about it, but have no better ideas than me. I've read that some women go their entire lives without ever experiencing one. I don't want to be one of those women. Please help!

— Feeling Awful About Orgasms Alice

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Feeling Awful About Orgasms Alice,

Alice, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Sexuality, especially that of females, is incredibly complicated. Everyone is made and develops differently. While it's true some women out there are unable to experience an orgasm, just because you haven't yet, it doesn't mean that you never will. Orgasms are nearly impossible when you're distracted, and there's nothing as distracting as the pressure of trying to climax.

As much as I know you want this, you have to stop making an orgasm the be all end all of your sexual encounters. Let your body remember what it's like to enjoy sex without the stress of something that may or may not happen. Instead of trying various positions and movements to see if they'll elicit the response you're looking for, focus on the sensation that you're actually feeling. If you can learn to enjoy the moment, it will help relieve all the stress and disappointment you're coping with.

Though it sounds like you're already doing it, don't stop communicating with your partners about what you like and don't like. And be sure to use lubrication, which can turn a dismal sexual experience to an extremely sensual and arousing one. Give yourself a break for a while and just let your body do what it naturally does. Sometimes the moment you let go is the moment things turn out, but in any case, you'll be ultimately more satisfied if you can find the pleasure in sex without an orgasm.


Join The Conversation
beachbaby45 beachbaby45 8 years
The harder you try, the more elusive it is. Trust me on this, I lived it. I was married for 20 years. I can count the orgasms I had on one hand (YES, really). Circumstances change... I have been separated for 16 months now and have discovered that I can orgasm. I thought my parts were made on a Friday (defective - haha). I learned on my own. Ya gotta relax... orgasm can't be the goal. Figure out what you like, and what you don't. Experiment... direct clitoral, vibrators, oils, fast, slow, firm, soft, rub, squeeze, whatever. Take your time. Get close... and back off. Recall how it felt, bring yourself up again. You'll get it. You have to KNOW your own body. Hang in there... it's worth it!
stellarseller stellarseller 8 years
This is just something I read about and wanted to share with others. It's all the craze in "Hollywood" but I don't know how safe it is but desperate times call for desperate measures.
pixelhaze pixelhaze 8 years
oh too funny, both of the books mentioned in this thread (for yourself and becoming orgasmic) are being offered together on Amazon so it's cheaper. I think I'm going to go ahead and get them.
HonestMuffin HonestMuffin 8 years
Justing think about something that makes you really... 'randy'. Keep thinking about it the whole time. I think an O isnt just a physical thing, it also has a lot to do with your mental state.
bluebellknoll bluebellknoll 8 years
I have a Hitachi Magic Wand and for me it's almost too powerful. It shakes all of the happy out of me! My hubby bought it for me because I was complaining about how weak battery powered vibes are. Well, I learned that you CAN have too much of a good thing! ;)
pixelhaze pixelhaze 8 years
yeah I'm 23 . . . I own a vibrator . . . I watch porn . . . I like my body . . . . I masturbate pretty regularly . . . . and still nothing. It used to bother me but I don't really care that much anymore, since whatever I'm doing feels pretty nice most of the time. But I would like to know what the big O feels like, since everyone makes such a big deal out of it. Maybe I should look in to a hitachi, haha! what's so special about it anyway, what makes it different? Honey693 can you now have an orgasm without it?
gsteinhauser gsteinhauser 8 years
I'm 25 and recently had my first. You're not alone on this. I realized it was actually taking a toll on my relationships (which sounds stupid and shallow but I think if the tables were turned and I couldn't get my guy off, I would be mortified, angry, etc) so I decided that I needed to take care of it. (not that I hadn't BEEN trying, but you know what I mean) I bought every book has on the topic. Started off with one called becoming orgasmic. It was corny, and I though it was a bunch of crap but by the time I got to around chapter 5, I had one! I think maybe it worked better because I decided I was going to dedicate at least 15 minutes 3 times a a week to experimenting with myself and if nothing happened, it didn't matter; I was at least fulfilling my commitment to trying. That worked to take the pressure off of reaching the goal of having an orgasm. I'm a little worried that you're thinking the guys will have ideas for you on how to get off. I think it might be better for you to do this on your own. I know whenever I got close with a guy I started getting worried that I might pee or something equally embarrassing might happen which killed it. Watch some porn instead ( has some good free ones, and a couple actually have a plot) or read a corny romance novel, or go to which will point you in the direction of some steamy blogs. I hope this helps some (at leas you know you're not alone!) and best of luck!
skigurl skigurl 8 years
i'm 25, i don't think about it too much, i have lots of practice, and i've tried a bunch of different things, to no avail. but vibrators i have yet to try, so i guess i better get on that.
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
Stop thinking about it so much :)
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
Try reading Lonnie Garfield Barback's 'For Yourself' or a similar book, which guides women thru orgasm who have difficulty with it. I would also recommend a detachable shower head or a vibrater, like a metal egg, and then just put it on your clit. And lots of masturbation, because it's unlikely you will be able to orgasm with a partner if you haven't done it alone first.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
My ex dated a girl who STILL hasn't had an orgasm and she's like 22? 23? Worrying! Maybe it'll turn out that the only way you can have one is by a guy softly stroking your clavicle wearing a velvet glove as Mozart plays in the background... ;p Nah, it'll be fine. Just RELAX and try doing some pelvic floor exercises. :)
caryatid caryatid 8 years
shower head?
zabrow zabrow 8 years
if you're young, it might just take some time for it to happen for you... i didn't have my first O until i was about 20 & then it got a lot easier.
girlnone girlnone 8 years
I'm in the same (sad, frustrated) boat. I think part of the problem is that the orgasm is pretty much regarded as the be-all, end-all of human existence. Your world is supposed to rocked, and if you aren't having them then you feel like there's something seriously wrong with you. For me, I think a major factor is that I'm not happy with my body. I try to get into the groove with videos, stories, or just fantasies, but in the back of my mind I'm thinking about how much I hate my stomach, and how I wish my thighs were thinner. I'm not trying to imply this is the same situation for you, but do you feel preoccupied by non-sexy things while you're trying to get off? Regardless of whether we get the big-O, stimulation is still fun (why else do I still break out the Magic Wand, AKA my Japanese Boyfriend, on a regular basis?), and we should both try to be more zen about the whole experience. Enjoy the journey instead of ruining it with the expectation of the destination.
honey693 honey693 8 years
I didn't have one until buying a Hitachi Magic wand. Other vibes, my hands, my boyfriend, nothing worked. Then I got the Wand and *bam* I can have one just from breathing practically now.
njau njau 8 years
I was just going to say, probably about time to purchase a vibrator if you haven't already as this can- hopefully - speed up the time and give you the moment you are looking for.
Berlin Berlin 8 years
You need to find out what turns you on and go all out on it. It'd be far easier just to try it alone rather than worrying about your partner trying to get you go orgasm. If you are visually stimulated then find a porn that you like to view or a racy story that just gets you all in the mood. Try really working at the clitoral stimulation which is what most women will orgasm from anyways...and you can couple that with a vaginal vibrator as well! The Berman female sex toy line is awesome (made for and designed by female sexuality doctors:) and just sitting in your room, with something visually stimulating as well as physical vibrations can really help. Sex with a partner is harder to have an orgasm b/c you are basing it on another's performance. Even if you orgasm all the time it can be difficult to achieve this with a partner. Remember that's it's pleasure, not something that needs to have any associations with negativity, frustration, complication, etc! For me, if I ever am turned on and my sweetie is off at work or something, then turning on one of my fav porns and grabbing one of my toys...just does the trick!
lauraxtc lauraxtc 8 years
just relax!! Enjoy the moment don't think too much when you are having sex. I sometimes feel that way but I have felt an orgasm. Sometimes I start worrying about dumb things and that is when I loose my mojo. Enjoy yourself. Get on top, rub yourself gently. Use a little vibrator if that helps. Tell your bf that you need to take your time. Its easier when you are on top and your man helps you by putting pressure in you. GOOD LUCK!!!
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